[Carissa02]

Hello all. I'm new here so here's a little back ground. DH and I have been ttc #1 for over 2 years and have dx unexplained infertility. We did 3 IUI's and cancelled our 4th. DH had a varicocelectomy last year and I was slated to have a lap this summer, but after the 4th's cancellation I deceided that I couldn't handle ttc anymore and we deceided to begin the adoption process immediately. We have been talking about it since the first year of trying and always agreed that we would do it at some point. This summer it finally became a reality and we were both super excited.

We deceided to adopt from Korea for a multitude of reasons but we hit a few small roadbumps. We are miltary and DH is about to go away for training in July, then after that we'll be moving out of state. This are all good things, but because of this, we can't begin the process until we move to SC in November.

We were ok with all this and deceided to start telling our families about our plans. They were, of course, a little shocked and surprised, but ultimately happy. Then, they big blow came. My 20 y/o unmarried, only been with the guy like 10 months sister got pg by her "fiancee" who is currently deployed to Afganistan for a year. She didn't even try to protect hereself and this wasn't an accident. We had many converstaions about her protecting herself. Now she's living with my mom and dropping out of college. I just can't be happy for her. And the worst part is, she came out with this news THE SAME DAY I called to tell my mom!! To top that off, some irresponsible friends of ours just found out that after only 3 months of trying they're pg too! This past weekend at a party, there was no time to share OUR happy news because everyone was too busy rubbing her belly and "making way for the pg woman." (groan)

Add all that to my SIL getting married this summer and buying a house, and we're pretty much being ignored. It's not that I'm not happy for everyone, well, everyone but my sister, but after two LONG agonizing years we finally have something good to share and no one cares! It's almost like they don't even take us seriously because we can't start until November. Well, we ARE serious and it IS going to happen! They even keep saying things like, "now that you want to adopt you'll get pg" ect ect. Well, we're so serious about NOT ttc anymore that I'm on the pill. We both want this to happen more than anything and couldn't handle some sponaneous pg ruining it and causing us to loose $ or a referral.

Even my old friends from my ttc bulletin baords have been unsupportive in our deceison. They all told me how sad they were that we were stopping and how we should just keep trying and if we get pg and loose a referral, $, ect, to just chock it up to a loss and move on!!! How could I do that if I had a referral?! How I could I do that now when I believe that somewhere out there right now, God had chosen a birthmother who will carry my child?! HOW??!?!

I just wish people would be happy for me and at least try to understand where I'm coming from. Why I'm so upset (at my sister), depressed (that no one cares), and ecstatic (that we're ADOPTING OUR BABY!) all at the same time.

Is there anyone else out there going though something like this? Please say yes because I'm really starting to loose my mind here.

Carissa

[mrsdatabits]

Hi Carissa...

My heart goes out to you. I've been in some of your spots and know how frustrating and depressing it can be. I even had my doctor get all huffy with me when I told her we were going to stop IF treatments and adopt. She told me "We can get you pregnant... besides, adoptions can take at least 7 years." When I told her the agency we were working with has an average of 9 months, she stopped trying to convince me.

I had times I felt like I was the only one excited about adopting. There were times I felt sure my hubby didn't even care (now I tell myself it was probably just my depression talking). And it felt like no one was happy for my good news... like they all just kind of put it on the back burner for someone elses good news.

I'm still not sure how much of the stuff was in my head or how much of it was just people not knowing how to react. I was so sure my mil wouldn't really care when we brought our baby home, but now I see how she acts with my nephews and my daughter and I realize that she did care but didn't know how to respond at the time (she's a very "whats in this moment now" kind of person instead of thinking about the future). And as for my parents, I think they just didn't want to get excited too soon knowing what all hubby and I had already gone through.

One of the hardest things I had to deal with while going through ttc and then our adoption journey was hearing "so and so is pregnant" or "so and so is having a baby, when are you?", etc. I was happy for these people, but at the same time it reminded me of all I wanted but didn't seem able to have.

So, if you want my advice, hang in there, keep your head up, cry when you need to, but know that there is a child at the end of your journey (which is just the beginning of a new one. )

[McNally720]

Hi Carissa--

You've come to the right place. Congratulations on your decision to adopt!! It's a big one, and so intangible at times that a lot of times people don't "get" it.

In many ways I've been where you've been (lots of us here have)--just wanting to be a mom, wondering when it will be my turn, watching everyone around us get pg by just looking at each other, and so forth.

What to do about it?? Vent here, of course!!

For me, I decided not to waste energy worrying about what was fair (my hubby and I are far more "stable" than many people we know who've had kids recently), and we tried to keep ourselves busy doing fun things together, knowing that our time as "just" a couple was lessening every day. We did a few baby-oriented things (looking at name books), but not many.

Chin up--I can't promise the wait will be easy, but it will be worth it!

[DeafSiren]

Carissa,


I have a very knowing smile after reading your post and these excellent replies. We've been down your road for quite some time. TTC for almost three years before deciding to adopt--add to that that our IF is male factor, and both DH's brother and father have it and WERE able to conceive with treatment, well, let's just say his side of the family really doesn't "get" why we're adopting. That we *want* to adopt, it isn't a "last resort," etc., etc. Even now, as we've been waiting for 19 months, they still are just quietly supportive. I'm really hopeful for when we can bring the baby home and they will finally be excited and happy for us.

We've probably all been there with the pain of family/friends getting pregnant, many of whom seem completely unprepared. I don't think you *need* to be happy for them. I think you've got the right attitude of focusing on your own joy at the thought of your future child. Hope is an incredible thing. And my mantra is a line that the Grandfather says in "The Princess Bride," "who said life was fair? Where is that written?"

Anyway, my wishes go out to you and DH for the incredible journey you have started! May it be a dream come true for you!

Oh, one more thing...about the fertility chat site...I can totally relate. I used to go to one of those when we were TTC, and I myself at the time thought, "it just isn't the same to adopt as it is to give birth." I could go back in time I would smack myself for ever thinking that! They are caught up in the TTC world and all those emotions. I wouldn't be a bit surprised if you went back a year from now and found several had chosen the adoption journey for themselves. They may be influenced by you letting them know of your decision!

Good Luck,
L.

[Carissa02]

Thank you all for your quick replies! DH and I were out on a walk and got in a huge fight about him not getting "involoved enough." Mrsdatabits, what you said about DH really did hit home! LOL It was so right on target for what we were fighting about at nearly exactly the same time you were writing it! You're probably right, I'm being to hard on him and I'm just letting my depression leak out on him.

McNally, Yes, I can totally relate to being "more together" than the people having kids. Sometimes we joke that we need to run out and charge tons of stuff on our credit card, buy a really expensive car, and not pay any of the bills! LOL Thanks for letting me vent

L, thank you too! I've beginning to feel like a freak on the very thread I've been on for almost 2 years! And did I mention one of the girls who was about to do her 2nd IVF ttc for 3+ years got a spontaneous BFP today!? I am totally happy for her too, I truly am with all my heart because I know all they've been through, but good grief! How many BFPs must I hear about in such a short time!

Anyways, thanks again for letting me vent! I appreciate it.

Carissa

[sanielsen]

Hi Carissa,
I am so sorry that you are going through this situation! My DH and I have been waiting to adopt for over a year now and started the process almost a year before that. In that time, my sister had her 3rd baby (her and her hubby live with his parents in a 2br home, baby #1 sleeps in grandparents room, now #2 & #3 sleep in her & her hubbies room, her hubby makes minimum wage and she doesn't work), my really good friend had a baby in that time and another friend's baby is due in September. Oh, and we had a failed placement.

At 1st, I had a really really difficult time dealing with everything and felt as though the world was unfair. I have since realized that the right baby is out there for us and have faith that God put us in this situation because that baby is out there.

[ChristieS]

Hi Carissa and welcome!

Yes, we have "been-there-done-that" as well. I used to walk in the baby section at Wal-Mart and just stand there and cry. Every time I got pregnant we would buy baby things, and then every time I lost the pregnancy I would donate them all away. We never were successful with IF treatments and when we finally made the decision to stop trying and adopt (it was just really too heartbreaking for me to continue getting pregnant and losing the pregnancies over and over) - I knew one young woman in our family who was crying because she was pregnant for the FOURTH time in six years. My brother and his wife got pregnant for the second time the first month they tried - well, you know how it goes - all those people having babies and it seemed no one cared about our decision.

I found myself having NO pity for pregnant women complaining about being pregnant or morning sickness, etc. They had no idea how hard it was for me to listen to them complain. My patience was gone and my desire for a child was real but it seemed most people did not care to understand.

When we finally adopted I had someone close to me tell me not to go buying too much because "these things don't always work out". Some members of our family it took a while for them to accept that we now had a child. I just say that to let you know that even after your sweet blessing comes you will still have some nay-sayers, only you won't give a **** because you'll be so wrapped up in love.

So hang in there - know that this is something a lot of us have been through. In fact, our son is four and our adoption is STILL in jeopardy - but he is so special and so sweet that everyone has fallen in love with him.

BTW - my husband and I had some tough times as well. We made it through and learned a lot about each other in the process - which has helped us to become better parents. Hold tight to your dreams, your love, and your husband - it is all worth it.

I'll say a prayer for you and DH tonight. Best wishes.

[danhanan]

Oh Carissa..... I can relate to some of your feelings. When DH and I were ttc #2, we ran into some fertility problems (mine). I knew at that time that if we couldn't conceive there would be no #2 as we never would have been able to afford adoption back then. After 3 years of tests and attempts...friends of ours who already had one child announced that they were going to have another to see if it would help their marriage. Needless to say that I felt only fury at that point but I bit my tongue. Sure enough.... 4 weeks later they announced that they were expecting, then they had the daughter they'd hoped for and then they got divorced....BIG surprise huh?!
We eventually did conceive #2 and 19 years later we adopted #3.
What I finally came to realize is that the spirits that are meant to travel through life together will find their way to be together.
Good luck on your journey...I am excited for you and will be watching anxiously for updates.

[Leigh131313]

First of all, CONGRATULATIONS!!!

Adoption is an entirely different type of pregnancy, with it's own labor and everything!! but it is so worth it.

You should come join us on the waiting to be matched thread!!

Here's a link

waiting to be matched (and I dont mean missing socks)

[StorkWatcher]

Carissa - Congratulations on being an expectant mom! I hope that as you begin this journey, even though parts will be stressful, you will also have some peace knowing that you are, at last, really on the road to starting your family!!!

You're VERY understood here. Eventually, people will get more excited. It's just hard for some at this point. Once you have a picture of your referral, I bet you'll see some family members really get on board when they can "see" their niece/nephew/grandchild/cousin. It will be more real for them.

Try to make it very real for yourself right now - enjoy all the parts of "expecting". Daydream a little about being a mommy, have fun going over baby names and looking for baby things in the store. At some point, you may want to register for baby items in anticipation of showers - it is so much fun!

Good luck. Feel free to come here any time you need to vent or want support. We're very excited for you!!!

[Fran27]

I pretty much feel the same way. I'm really bummed by the lack of excitement from family. It just feels like we were saying 'oh yeah we will have a baby in 2 years'. Because everyone knows it can take that long, so it definitely doesn't feel the same way as if we had got pregnant and only had to wait for 9 months. No monthly OB updates etc sure don't help. The only news we ever get is that we're still waiting.

It probably doesn't help for us that 3 of dh's brothers already have children. So I guess even if we had a bio child it wouldn't be much of a novelty. Add to that that my inlaws don't seem to be comfortable nor relate to the children much (except to make comments about their manners), it sure doesn't help. For my family, they live overseas so it's not like they will see the child more than maybe twice a year anyway.

I'm just hoping that once we actually have a child, things will go better. It will surely help you once you have the referal too. But I can say that for now, the thing I wasn't really considering about adoption would be the lack of enthousiasm around us.

[Emster]

Hi Carissa! Welcome! Again, like others have said, I read your post and so many things sounded familiar. Two years ago, I was fuming at the nurse at the RE's office, trying to figure out how to pay for all the labs not covered by insurance, TOTALLY absorbed into the whole infertility treatment process. Needless to say--that does something to your head after awhile...You can't often see any other options. Once we decided to adopt,I felt like I gained a little of my life back. People didn't know how to react to our news we were going to adopt. DH's family never talked about it, or if they did, verbalized their fears and prejudices. Our friends and various family members had to be educated, but still didn't believe things wouldn't be the worst case scenario.

FAST FORWARD to today. I am sitting at my desk missing my Woobie, whose sweet face is looking at me from his picture on my bulletin board. We finalize next week. My WHOLE family is totally gaga over this wonderful creature. I no longer hate pregnant people , and can participate in those hated conversations about babies that I used to avoid because I didn't "belong" there. I swear sometimes, I forget I didn't give birth to this child myself.

Use this board to help vent about all the stuff it takes to go thru the process and to gain hope for what is to come for you and your family. eventually, all the BS you have to go thru becomes somewhat a memory, but it all helped you to find the child that will be yours. And you will be so glad.

[Carissa02]

Wow! Thank you all for the warm welcome!! For the first time in months I feel like I am not a freak and that there are people out there who understand. THANK YOU!!!

[scdogs]

Hi everyone

I was reading Carissa's post and I had to reply. Your post sounds exactly what my DH and I have been going through. And, it's been quite a roller coaster. Just when I think I am feeling better, it gets worse. We've been TTC for 2 years. My best friend and I tried at the same time, and now she has a 14 month old and is pg with her 2nd. My SIL is now pg with her 4th child, and is NOT happy about it. And that just pisses me off. She is pg and miserable and is not at all nice. We were at my niece's birthday party last weekend and she was complaining how she feels like crap, etc. and I told her (in the most jokingly way I could) that I would love to be sick and miserable right now and she threw me a napkin and said, "cry me a river." Aughhh.... if she wasn't my SIL in don't know what I would have said or done. Sticking needles in my *** (sorry ladies) and going through mutiple uncomfortable procedures, and now she is telling me to cry her a river????? Not to mention that her 16-yr-old niece just has a baby and I was a nervous reck that I would have to see her. Thank goodness she was not at the party, but my SIL does not have ANY sympathy and is quite miserable about the whole thing. I'm not sure what to do. The killer is that I need to hang out with these people for the next few months because my other BIL is getting married. Aughh...

But back to us... we started the adoption process in February and just yesterday we received our completed home study. I sent it to my agency, and I am quite stressed because they now need more and more paperwork (that I wanted to complete months ago and they wouldn't let me) and $1000 in out of state costs.

I feel the same way that my friends and family don't care about our adoption. Or maybe they are just nervous to say anyhthing because I've been an emotional nutcase the past 2 years going through IF treatments. Who knows.. all I do know is that I am depressed, and I wish I could adopt right now and become the wonderful mom that I know I will be.

Thanks for listening to my my story everyone. It feels a little better just venting...
Take care

[Carissa02]

SCdogs (does that stand for South Carolina?) Cry me a river is what you should have said to her! Now every time she complains you HAVE to repeat that back to her!! The nerve!!! You can also make that little violin thing with your fingers!! HAHA! Anyways, congrats on your homestudy completion!!