[scdogs]

No, SC stands for my furbaby's names... Sam and Casey
Thanks for your suggestions
Take care

[ChristieS]

Originally Posted by scdogs

Or maybe they are just nervous to say anyhthing because I've been an emotional nutcase the past 2 years going through IF treatments.

Just wanted to say I'm glad to hear I'm not the only one who went nuts after all the hormones, pills, injections, surgeries, and countless IF treatments - all ending up with surgical-induced menopause which threw me for an even further loop. UGH! I am glad that at least I no longer have to go through all of that - now I just have hot flashes, mood swings and on-and-off HRT. Smile.

[mom2justynsarah]

Carissa,

Hang in there hon. I think that many of us have gone through something similar. I will never forget how one of my Aunts (who happens to be a multi millionare) made some VERY insensitive remarks.

First of all, she knew we were struggling with money. Did she ever once offer any help whatsover? Yeah, right! But the thing that really hurt me were her comments. She was so quick to say things like "Why are you trying to adopt?" "You will never get a baby." Or "You already have a child, you don't need another one." But the best was when she told me I was too old (38) to start up with a second child. It wouldn't be fair to the baby.

See, wasn't she such a nice supportive aunt! (snort!) (and she wants to know why I never call her). Of course once we were blessed with our daughter, she was all gushy! "Oh she's so beautiful!" "Your such a good mom", "Oh your daughter is so lucky to have you as her mother"..etc etc etc.

Anyway, I seem to have rambled on a bit (sorry). My best advise is keep on keepin on. Your baby IS out there somewhere. It's just not something we have any control of. But when you are led to your baby (or vice versa) all this heartache will melt away. It will be replaced with joy and happiness.

Good luck!
Julie

[Carissa02]

Julie, LOL! That seems to be my new motto for life! Rememer, life's a garden, dig it!! I'm sorry about your aunt!! What a jerkette.

[scdogs]

Well, my story just got worse... I had a bad night last night.

My husband came home and told me that he had talked to one of my friends... she is pg with twins! She was so worried to tell me that she called my dh and he had to tell me the news. Getting pg news is not always the easiest, and I'm getting better, but this is my best friend's other b.f. The three of us always hang out. Now my b.f. and her b.f. are pg- actually they are 6 weeks and 7 weeks along (could they BE any closer???), and I am totally left out. I am happy for them, but more sad for me. They will talk about the pg, compare their bellies, and I will have nothing to contribute. I was hoping that since we were moving into adoption I would feel better, but I don't. It just doesn't seem real yet. I'm too worried about getting a failed match (or waiting a long time) that I won't even start on the nursery or buy anything. I guess with all the IF heartaches I am trying to protect myself again...

What have you ladies done about getting baby stuff and setting up the nursery? Will it be helpful or hurtful to start getting things before we are matched? This has been a tough weekend, and I am thinking SOMETHING needs to change... maybe starting to buy some things? We just sent in our home study yesterday, and the agency has our profiles... apparently we are very desirable parents, but who knows...

Thanks for listening...

[scdogs]

Oh and also... Julie- It was really good for me to read your post. At this point it feels like it is all heartache and no light at the end... but I guess it will be there for me (someday).... thanks

[patti Daniels]

We went through the same thing. My youngest sister had twins, a boy and a girl, when were trying to adopt. My older sister had twin boys and my sister in-law had twin girls. My sister in-law would call and say the babies are kicking and I thought you would want to know. Every time she went to the doctor she would call me. Now I realize she did not want to hurt me. She actually thought she was sharing her pregnancy. We did adopt and our family loves our daughter. Our daughter is beautiful. She was President of her class, Student Council, FFA President, a member of the National Honor Society. She is a Christian and a beautiful person. I love her and thank God for my infertility. She is our blessing.

Originally Posted by mrsdatabits

Hi Carissa...



My heart goes out to you. I've been in some of your spots and know how frustrating and depressing it can be. I even had my doctor get all huffy with me when I told her we were going to stop IF treatments and adopt. She told me "We can get you pregnant... besides, adoptions can take at least 7 years." When I told her the agency we were working with has an average of 9 months, she stopped trying to convince me.

I had times I felt like I was the only one excited about adopting. There were times I felt sure my hubby didn't even care (now I tell myself it was probably just my depression talking). And it felt like no one was happy for my good news... like they all just kind of put it on the back burner for someone elses good news.

I'm still not sure how much of the stuff was in my head or how much of it was just people not knowing how to react. I was so sure my mil wouldn't really care when we brought our baby home, but now I see how she acts with my nephews and my daughter and I realize that she did care but didn't know how to respond at the time (she's a very "whats in this moment now" kind of person instead of thinking about the future). And as for my parents, I think they just didn't want to get excited too soon knowing what all hubby and I had already gone through.

One of the hardest things I had to deal with while going through ttc and then our adoption journey was hearing "so and so is pregnant" or "so and so is having a baby, when are you?", etc. I was happy for these people, but at the same time it reminded me of all I wanted but didn't seem able to have.

So, if you want my advice, hang in there, keep your head up, cry when you need to, but know that there is a child at the end of your journey (which is just the beginning of a new one. )

[Carissa02]

Oh hun! I'm so sorry! What a blow. It's ironic how we think that adoption will magically bring and end to our sorrows. We never will get to share in that "pg glow" that everyone else does. Having their bellies rubbed and admired, getting baby showers and feeling the baby kick... and to have twins on top of that! You have every right to be upset.

I thought with time I'd slowly get used to the idea of my sister being pg, but the more time that goes by the more distant I feel. I don't think I'll ever be ok with it. And it's not so much the baby part, it's the pregnancy part. I can't bear to see her like that and be happy. It's so not fair that she gets to do it under her circumstances and I don't. I'm luck that we at least live 1000 miles apart which makes my avoidance of her less obvious.

And the waiting part is the worst, isn't it? Paper pregnant is just not the same thing. But if buying stuff makes you feel better I say go for it. I'm not doing it yet because we're moving out of state in a few months and I don't want all that extra baggage. I have started making a quilt. I also plan on making matching curtains, pillow, cribskit, and diaper stacker. I know, it's a bit of a lofty idea (esp considering I'm just learning to sew), but I'll have lots of stuff to keep me busy while DH is away for training these next three months.

When we get there I assume we'll begin slowly making some large purchases since our agency is taking around 8 months from application to uniting. I hope that someone will want to throw us a baby shower because ALL of our money is going into savings for the adoption. I have no idea how we're ever going to afford another one, but that's a long way off.

Anyways, I'm rambling now.... ]

[ChristieS]

Originally Posted by scdogs

Well, my story just got worse... I had a bad night last night.

Will it be helpful or hurtful to start getting things before we are matched? This has been a tough weekend, and I am thinking SOMETHING needs to change... maybe starting to buy some things?

You do whatever is best for you. I know sometimes it helps to get excited and buy baby things, and other times it is depressing to look at them. If you feel better buying baby things now then go for it! If not, then wait until it is not painful - but exciting. Also, you can pack them up and put them aside if it becomes hard to look at them.

I would buy all sorts of baby things with each pregnancy and then donate them away each time I lost the pregnancy - it was heartwrenching.

Remember that while people do experience failed adoptions, and suffer greatly when they do - that also there IS a child out there for you and even if you do experience a failed adoption not to give up.

Anyway - it is an individual thing - whatever helps you get through.

Prayers for you.

[Brat]

SC,

I am sorry you are feeling such pain. I completely empathize. When we started the adoption process, it seemed that everyone we knew was getting pregnant. My 18 yo nephew got his girlfriend pregnant. They placed the child for adoption, then changed their minds. My husband's brother and his wife got pregnant, a year after they almost split up. A co-worker got married and a few months later, he and his were pregnant, and not happy about it because they just love to party. Another co-worker got pregnant by a huge loser who has five other children by three other women.

And it seemed that everyone was throwing their bellies in our faces, in complete disregard for our obvious pain.

Little did I know that I was expecting, too.

Now all those little girls and boys are friends with my 2 yo daughter. We're all parents, and there is no difference. And I didn't have one day of morning sickness, one minute of labor, and I kept my, er, lovely figure.

Right now, you are expecting, too. We were cautious, left the nursery as the storage room it was. The only thing I took with me to the airport when we were traveling to pick up our daughter was a snuggly and a diaper bag hastily packed by an incredulous, wise friend. But I was no less about to become a mom than the other women I knew, and if no one else respected it, that didn't change that fact.

So, what I'm trying to say is that while it's hard that your friends are pregnant--and I would feel the exact same way that you do--I can also see from the other side of things that one day your children will all grow up together. How precious that day will be when you, all three of you, are sitting in the park, watching your children at play. You're time of expecting is just as relevant--and dare I say a bit more interesting and special--as theirs. Your child may even come sooner! Or a year or two later--but they will still be friends, like you three.

May your journey be blessed.

Originally Posted by scdogs

Well, my story just got worse... I had a bad night last night.

My husband came home and told me that he had talked to one of my friends... she is pg with twins! She was so worried to tell me that she called my dh and he had to tell me the news. Getting pg news is not always the easiest, and I'm getting better, but this is my best friend's other b.f. The three of us always hang out. Now my b.f. and her b.f. are pg- actually they are 6 weeks and 7 weeks along (could they BE any closer???), and I am totally left out. I am happy for them, but more sad for me. They will talk about the pg, compare their bellies, and I will have nothing to contribute. I was hoping that since we were moving into adoption I would feel better, but I don't. It just doesn't seem real yet. I'm too worried about getting a failed match (or waiting a long time) that I won't even start on the nursery or buy anything. I guess with all the IF heartaches I am trying to protect myself again...

What have you ladies done about getting baby stuff and setting up the nursery? Will it be helpful or hurtful to start getting things before we are matched? This has been a tough weekend, and I am thinking SOMETHING needs to change... maybe starting to buy some things? We just sent in our home study yesterday, and the agency has our profiles... apparently we are very desirable parents, but who knows...

Thanks for listening...

[riverview]

go out and buy when empty arms become a heavy burden by glahn and cutrer. Go to page98 and then you will know that your feelings are real and shared by many.

[mommy3]

I hope you don't mind if I share my perspective -- I remember so well (probably never will truly forget) all the pgs around me and all the painful comments when I was waiting for our two via adoption. I especially loved it when people griped to ME about their pregnancy symptoms. Later, when each of our babies (who were adopted) were little, there I'd be, not needing to recover from birth or the weight gain BUT my babies were here. I would have turned green and gained 300 pounds to have given birth to them, but since I couldn't keep babies in me after our first, I could enjoy every moment on the DAY of their birth and be in good shape, anyway! Not my original plan, but great perks if the plan was meant to be.

When your baby comes, the months and years of IF do blend into your past and it'll seem SO soon that s/he has always been with you, in a way. Motherhood and parenting is only 9 mos. about the pg and the rest of your life about your babies! Hang on -- susan

[hotspice58]

Welcome to the world of adoption!! I'm foster/adopt and had to have a partial (3/4) hysterectomy (sp). I took an adoption class and it came out that fostering and/or adopting are at the bottom of the rung. Not to say people won't eventually be happy for you, but this is how society is.

[DeafSiren]

My sister-in-law had twins about a year after we had started "trying" and well into our IF anguish. I love her dearly, but I sobbed more bitterly the night they were born than I ever have before or since. It was so horribly unfair.

Years have passed and we've made our peace with IF, we're excited to one day have the miracle of adoption bring children to our family. We joy in our neices and nephews. And I used to think twins would be so cool, but then they turned 2 and I realized that I'll be just fine with one baby at a time, thank you very much!

Good question about the buying things/nursery. I haven't bought anything for myself, but sis-in-law gave me TONS of clothes, car seats, crib, swing, toys, etc. since they are done having kids. Also had a baby shower thrown for me when we were matched last November (not my choice). The pbm decided to parent, but I have tons of new clothes from that. We've never set up the crib or nursery, but we're just now moving to a new place and I've seriously considered setting it up. After the waiting and intensity of heartbreaks we've endured for 5+ years, I don't think that walking past an empty nursery is going to upset me that much.

hugs!
L.

[patientlywaiting]

Hi Clarissa

Your situation seems a bit similar to mine. After all of our unexplained infertility was completed, we had chosen to adopt and have been so, so excited ever since. Our families and friends, however have been very excited with us as well. We have been very fortunate that way.

The only thing is, there is no one in our world that really understands the feelings and processes that a person goes through when they are dealing with infertility and adoption waiting.

Not too long ago I told my sister that I was not going to a baby shower as I just wasn't in the mood to deal with those feelings that arise from baby showers. She was appalled with me. I told her that until she experiences what we have gone through, she has no right to make any comments.

And then... I found this little video clip. I am sure many of you have seen it before, but I only just saw it for the first time not too long ago. I was sitting in my office at work and didn't really realize what it was about. I found myself sitting there crying as it totally captured everything I had gone through and felt but could never put into words. I then emailed it to certain people so they had a bit of an understanding. My sister felt so bad (it is not the reason why I sent it to her) but I think she won't be as insensitive in the future now that she has a bit more of an idea on what being infertile really means.

I thought I would share with those of you on this board that have not seen it.

Enjoy!!

http://www.vocalicious.com/empty_arms/empty_arms_mod.html