[kate298]

my friend has adopted children and always gets the "they don't look anything alike" or "they don't match" I was thinking about adopting a child from another country and possibily having my own, so how do you handle it if strangers say "They don't match" Or "wow that one looks nothing like you two?" Do you have any quick comebacks. . . once my children were older I wouldn't want to have to say Oh we adopted baby ABC from .....? I wouldn't want him/her to feel any different? How would I handle this one

[shy_bear]

We get it all the time regarding our youngest. Her birthmom is of Persian decent. Our little one has the darkest most gorgeous brown eyes I have ever seen. My husband and myself have green and so does our other daughter. I simply tell people she gets them from family. End of discussion. I have also heard that neither of them look like you, I usually don't even respond. It is not worth my time.

[NJNative]

If they say they don't match, tell them they aren't book ends! I generally try to use humor for most intrusive comments. They end up laughing and you can leave before they remember why they were asking.

A good response for "they don't look like you at all" is "nope, lucky for them!" My brother (who is my parents bio child BTW) had red curls as a child and the rest of us had brown straight hair. My mom was once asked, "Where did he get those red curls from?" My mom said "From his father." They looked puzzled after glancing at my dad, and she said pointedly, "I said from his FATHER!" The person turned beet red and walked away...LOL.

My mom is a hoot!

Robin

[JC10]

Our daughter is mixed and my husband and I are caucasian....we get looks! When asked if she's adopted we simply reply, no, why do you ask? It's too fun to see the reaction on their nosy little faces!!! Once someone asked who does she look like and i whispered "well, my husband thinks she looks like him so we just don't say anything"...hehehe, tell your friend it's none of their business and to have fun with it!

[ocracoke]

I know that I won't have to announce that my daughter is adopted since I am white and she will be from Ethiopia. I think it might be obvious. However, I was adopted as a young child and people use to comment how much I look like my mother. We use to like to freak people out by saying "yep, hey, maybe I'm not adopted."

[DebCsMom]

We are a CC couple with 2 bio children. Then we adopted a Biracial DD, an AA DD & an AA DS. My most frequently asked question is, "Are you theri foster Mom". This is usually asked after someone hearing them call me Mommy. I usually just say, "No, I'm their Mom, they are all mine". End of subject...SOMETIMES!!!! Sometimes I get asked if I'm the babysitter.

Once at a McDonalds in another town I was ordering our food & our AA DD was with me. My DD asked me something & called me Mommy. The girl taking our order says to me, "Is that really your daughter?" I loved the "THAT" part!! I told her she was. She says, "Shut UP! No she isn't!" I smile & say, "Yes, she IS my daughter!" This went on for a bit. When I got my food we just walked away & she looked totally confused! I never said she was adopted but you'd THINK she'd have figured that out! LOL NO, she was totally confused!! LOL

Deb

[kate298]

Great replies everyone. To Deb... when the mcdonalds ladie kept being nosy and couldn't believe that was your real daughter.... how does that make her feel? I'm not sure how old she is, but does that make her feel bad or how do you explain that to her>

[WLD]

I can't get over people actually say this stuff. The most i get is weird looks when they see me with my ason and ask me "who does he belong to" I guess cause i adopted him at 5 years old and no one knew till after he came to live with me. Hey, i didn't even know till a few weeks before he came to live with me I do get the raised eyebrows as if they want to say, "aren't you a little too old to be having a 6 yr old" especially since my other daughters are in their late teens and in the twenties. Of course that makes my husband smile.

[polkadotghost]

Its not the same but the response I use might work here also. I have one adopted angel and one biological angel so I get alot "Are they yours?" or "which one is yours?" my response is always "Neither, they're rented." That usually sets the person aback and then I can educate them.

[DebCsMom]

Kate,

My daughter will be 4 in July. At the time she was probably 2 or so. Right now I haven't had to deal with how my children react to these people, they are very young...6, almost 4 & almost 3.

I wish I could remember more that has happened. There have been many but I think we get use to it. I will have to prepapre my children though, especially our full AA daughter.

The other day at a store this older man was just staring at me & the kids. Older people are generally the ones who are curious or don't feel it's "right". Anyway this man kept staring at us. No smile, no expressions at al, just stared. Out of the TOTAL BLUE my 3 year old went up to him, took his hand & said, "It's nice to meet you!" YOU GO GIRL!!!!!!!! He was shocked & just said, "Nice to meet you, too". LOL We have been teaching them how to greet people & she noticed him staring & introduced her self! I was SOOOOO proud!

Deb

[bajj]

I have one hispanic and one aa/hispanic child. My dh and I are both cc. We get looks, comments, all the time. We sometimes just ignore, sometimes educate, and sometimes are so shocked that we just have to walk away.

My oldest will be 5 in august and one day we were on a "mother/son" outing and we went for doughnuts. Well, the guy at the shop kept going on and on about do you speak spanish and why not? DS said, "I don't know, we just don't." So then the guy asks me (I am cc, but have olive complexion), "why don't you teach him? are you ashamed of your own language?" I told him no I wasn't and that I didn't speak spanish. He went on and on until I finally told him I am not hispanic. Well, then he figured out ds was adopted and kept going on and on about that. He said, "oh he doesn't know does he?" I was like, yes he does, and if he didn't he would now! He even asked me if I was going to take him to Mexico to let him find a wife when he's older. He was carrying on to the point that ds had a stomach ache and we left. Later he wanted to know why that man was so nosey and rude. I told him some people are just ignorant and we can either educate them, or walk away.

I have two sisters who were adopted from Korea and to this day, when we are seen together and we introduce each other as, "this is my sister,___" people will have this totally stunned look on their face and say, "wow, you look just alike." Yeah right! People just feel the need to comment

[momraine]

I grew up with a sister who though bio, looked nothing like the rest of us. (a recesive gene, she did look almost like a twin to one cousin) We got comments. Usually if they said, she doesn't look like you, or they don't look alike, we would just say something like, "nope she sure doesn't". When people asked if she was adopted my brother always said she was adopted from Mars, just like the other girls in the family. (four girls three boys) Then she would start yelling at him that he was the martian and they would be arguing and the people would usually just back away. My daughter looks a lot like me, more so than my bio son, but we don't get a lot of comments, except how she looks like me, I always just say, naw, she is much prettier. One person did ask where she got her pretty eyes and she said God. I wanted to say Wal mart. My friend with an AA child, has been asked who she belongs to. She usually tells tham that when she is behaving she belongs to her, but when she is acting up she belongs to her husband, but that when she is asleep they both claim her.

[Hopp]

I wouldn't worry about it. I have a friend T who's two brothers and her sister all look like they came from different families but biologically had the same mom & dad. They used to joke about how each of them got a different color eyes and hair and that their family is just diverse!

Your children (no matter how they come to you) will look like you because they will pick up on different manners and expressions from you. I know it's a natural thing to think about, but don't let it hang ya' up. Family is Family and how wonderful is that!!!

[MarMad]

My hubby and I are working toward adopting kids that people probably would assume are our biological children. However, the oldest is about to turn 16, and I'm 27, so if he decides to call me "mom" somewhere down the road, we'll probably get some strange looks and questions, not to mention some awkward beginnings at parent-teacher conferences.

Hubby thinks I should just tell people that, yes, he's mine, and yes, I was a big tramp when I was ten. I've got quite a mouth and a high threshhold for embarrassment, so I'm considering it.

Even if I don't go that far, I'm thinking that the best way to handle it is to reverse it back on the person asking. I mean, I wouldn't go around asking people if they're overextended on their monthly bills, so why are adopted kids fair game?

[SanInUtah]

Originally Posted by kate298

my friend has adopted children and always gets the "they don't look anything alike" or "they don't match" I was thinking about adopting a child from another country and possibily having my own, so how do you handle it if strangers say "They don't match" Or "wow that one looks nothing like you two?" Do you have any quick comebacks. . . once my children were older I wouldn't want to have to say Oh we adopted baby ABC from .....? I wouldn't want him/her to feel any different? How would I handle this one

My son is full-blooded hispanic, with celery green eyes and a golden skintone that can't be missed. We also kept his latin sounding name. We're caucasian. Most people seem to think that I am either divorced/remarried. Very few have ever figured out that he's adopted. If someone comments on his looks I always just say that he resembles my mother, which is true. He also looks like my father-in-law.

The arrogance of strangers has always amazed me. I have no compassion for morons. If you make a stupid statement be ready for a pissy comeback. Few people are safe. LOL. My chiropractor's dense wife manages his office. The first time she saw my fostadopted son's chart and asked me (in front of him) "So, his parents were just losers, or drug addicts, or what..." I sweetly replied, that they were neither and she needed to be quiet now, never breaking my gaze. He knows that we respect his birthfamily so it wasn't a damaging moment. Still, I was not amused.

My mother-in-law tells people that she has two grandsons; one imported and one home grown (my nephew). That works for us. She addresses it head on and God help anyone who trods on the boys. It matters what happens at home and the way you handle outsiders. What the outsiders themselves do and say is of less importance. Just don't defend ignorance, no matter who it comes from. Your child will feel loved by you and their core world. That's what they need!