[Jessreplanted]

Hi Everyone,

I will try to keep a long story short. I am here for support and advice from others who have experience with adoption.

My husband and I received a phone call from someone we knew asking us if we would like a baby through adoption - she had been helping a pregnant woman find an adoptive family. Initially we were thrilled. We have begun the legal process (through a lawyer) and will have our first home study interview tomorrow. This past week has been difficult though. We found out that the birthmother wants to have a paternity test (we knew that part) and that if the father is her previous boyfriend, she intends to keep the baby. We almost backed out of this situation when we were told this, but then decided that we had already made a commitment to this child. This morning we were told that the birthmother is picking out names for the baby - which is very upsetting, because our lawyer told us that we would be naming the baby, and we already have names picked. I am beyond overwhelmed at this point. The birth mother is due this week.. and I just don't know what to expect. Any advice?
Thanks,
Jess

*edited to add that the birthmom also suggested to the lawyer that it would be nice if we wanted to give her some $.

[DianeScraps]

Jess-

This really sounds like a tough situation, and the requesting funds throws up some major red flags. How far from delivery is mom? Have you considered requesting a prenatal paternity test?

Diane

[munchkinwoman]

You shouldn't be worrying about this birthmother picking names because she can pick the name for the orginal birth certificate. You will get an amended birth certificate with the names you pick on it.

[firstparentblog]

Just a couple of quick thoughts. First off, you are dealing with an expectant mom, not a birthmom. No one is a birthmom until they sign the papers terminating their rights.

Secondly, naming baby is actually very important for many birthmothers. A name of our choosing is one of the lasting things that birthparents can give their children. I named my son on his original birth certificate. His adoptive parents renamed him and that name is on his amended birth certificate.

The money thing is troubling, that is something you need to work out with your lawyer.

Is this expectant mom getting any counselling? You do need to realize that until she signs papers and if there is a revocation period in your state, and that is up, that the baby is hers, she can choose to parent. I am sure that is a heartbreaking thought.

Are you getting any counselling? It might be helpful for you as well to have someone that understands to talk to about your fears and concerns.

[blessedbybug]

Originally Posted by Jessreplanted

Hi Everyone,

I will try to keep a long story short. I am here for support and advice from others who have experience with adoption.

My husband and I received a phone call from someone we knew asking us if we would like a baby through adoption - she had been helping a pregnant woman find an adoptive family. Initially we were thrilled. We have begun the legal process (through a lawyer) and will have our first home study interview tomorrow. This past week has been difficult though. We found out that the birthmother wants to have a paternity test (we knew that part) and that if the father is her previous boyfriend, she intends to keep the baby. We almost backed out of this situation when we were told this, but then decided that we had already made a commitment to this child. This morning we were told that the birthmother is picking out names for the baby - which is very upsetting, because our lawyer told us that we would be naming the baby, and we already have names picked. I am beyond overwhelmed at this point. The birth mother is due this week.. and I just don't know what to expect. Any advice?
Thanks,
Jess

*edited to add that the birthmom also suggested to the lawyer that it would be nice if we wanted to give her some $.

It does sound like you are quite overwhelmed with it all and understandably so as things are moving fast.

One thing I learned in the process of adopting our two children is that if at all possible, waiting adoptive parents need to make decisions, knowing that the expecting mother/parents (that is what they are until they make the decision to place) are the parents of the baby until they say otherwise. It is hard for those of us waiting to adopt not to start thinking/planning like the child is ours before it really is. But I guarantee that it will be easier in the long run if you can focus on you and let things happen.

Now, that doesn't mean let someone take advantage of you. I have adopted in a province where $$ aren't an issue...there are no supports given to expecting parents considering adoption directly by waiting parents hoping to adopt. So I can't speak to that except to say, if it were me, this would be concerning.

And it is completely in the expecting mother's rights to want to parent her child and you have to make the decision whether or not you are willing to risk this possibility and stay in this relationship. It is just a risk of adoption that we have to face.

As for the naming, I have found it a very healing and bonding experience to name the child with his/her first parents. Naming has always been important to me as well, but I have found that the names given our children, because they reflect their place in the lives of their birth family have significant meaning to me. If this is unacceptable to agree on names together, know that the expecting mom has every right to name her child and so do you, when the right time comes and if this child is placed with you.

It's a tough place to be... I hope that everything works out for the best...

[SanInUtah]

Jess,

You are starting a long scary walk and I hope you keep that in mind as this situation unfolds. Many private adoptions include everything that you've mentioned and many birthmoms choose names for their babies, even when they relinquish. It means nothing legally, period. It's what they need to do to get through the moment.

As far as the paternity test goes, it sounds like a manipulative attempt to get her boyfriend back. Expect that threat to evaporate as quickly as it popped up. Seriously. I've heard that one before but never heard of it working out.

She needs to get counseling and without an agency behind her she's not going to get it through any mandatory track. I'd make **** sure that it's in the adoption that you've offered to pay for some sessions, say 10 of them. If she denies needing it then she can't say that you railroaded her or discounted her feelings. Keep in mind that therapy at a community health center should run her about $50 a sesson.

What a mess, but it's a typical one.

[SanInUtah]

I just saw the edit about suggesting that she asked for $ recently. That's terrifying, but again, I've heard of it many times. Now your confusion and fear is clearer. Keep in mind that it's not an adoption until she relinquishes.

This young woman needs to get some counseling, before she decides the fate of her child and your family. She sounds very confused. I think any mother would be if she were a week to delivering her first baby.

If you have an experienced adoption attorney ask him what to do and how much direct contact to have. For your shared child's wellbeing, and out of general compassion, you'll probably want to have some ongoing contact (annual cards sent thru your lawyer still count as communication).