[GlenPod]

Hi - Have been lurking her for some time now and PM'd a few people with questions. Here is our long story short:

We were offically able to be shown to pbmom's in the begining of May - we were matched on 5/30/06 and the pbmom's is having a planned c-section. She has 3 children all via c-section and seemed to really want to put the baby up for adoption. She has no support from the bfather and has very limited finances, 3 kids already at home and is a single mom. It was scheduled for 6/15/06. As you can imagine we were estatic, emotionally over whelmed. This perticular case was a little above our adoption budget because 2 angency's were involved but we decided to move forward any way. Now this pbmom was matched one time prior but after a conference call she didn't feel comfortable with the family. She supposedly looked at many more profiles and liked ours. - moving along, we had a conference call with her yesterday morning and it went great, she informed us that her c-section was moved to 6/16/06. We let her know we were still flying in as planned on 6/14 and if she would like to meet us on 6/15 we would love to. She said she would let us know for sure. No probelm, the call went great. We get a call later in the day from our SW saying the pbmom would like to speak to us again and could she have our #. We told the SW we would prefer to call her (thank god we did). We call her that evening and pretty much she started right out asking for money, saying that she doesn't have enough for rent, etc, etc and that the state law in her state is not right. Her rent was paid for 4 months and some other incedentials were paid as well. We informed her that we are not comfortable with this (she actually said we could meet for lunch and who would know if we slipped her an envolope under the table!!!!). Then she went on to say she has another family through a private adoption that would give her more money but she liked us more and think we would make great parents. At that time I said all we can offer you is the promise to love and care for you child with as much love as we have and the child will be afforded the best education and experiences, with that I wish you, your baby and the other family the best of luck. We can not offer any money directly to you so we will be cancelling our flight. She then stopped me and said why dont I call her this morning to ler her think about things.

We called our SW and was honest about the conversation, we are ethical people and will not be bullied, blackmailed or held hostage for a baby. We are ment to be parents and there is the right situation out there for us. She understood and said she will also reach out to her.

Fast forward to this morning, I called her and left her a message at the time we were supposed to and then one more an hour later wishing her luck and told her we will not be flying out there. She was supposed to go with the a SW to have the pbfather relinquish his rights today and that has now changed to him signing after the birth.

I could be wrong but this really seems to be that she was trying to just scam some money while she was in the situation. The fact that the pbfather now won't sign until after almost seems like she is using that as leverage.

None the less we are so sad and angry but beleive in our hearts that the right match will be out there for us.

Thanks for listening and I guess it was long story long, comments welcome.

Thanks

[StorkWatcher]

This is so sad. I am very sorry. I was so afraid of this happening to us (one of the reasons I chose our agency, as they handle bmom expenses a certain way which seemed to protect aparents but also be sure the bmom was getting the financial support she needed).

I wish I could offer advice, but all I can say is I am sorry this match does not seem to be working out, and I hope you are rematched quickly. It is good you were firm with her. It's hard not to lose good judgment and say yes to anything that will help you become parents sooner! Maybe she didn't mean to come across as so greedy but was really nervous about the impending birth this week and the possibility of placing her child.

[timni]

I am so sorry for you. Big hugs

But I am so glad that you didn't fall for that. IF you had this story could have been a lot worse

[WLD]

I'm so sorry. I know the family that initially took in our ason had similar problem with the exception that they were not looking to adopt, they were trying to help bparents BE parents to my son, when they found out that bparents just wanted to keep taking money, they adopted my son but before they would sign papers, bmom tried getting yet more money from them. They used my son as a bargaining chip. Sad what children go through and most never know it. I know i won't be telling my son that his bmom did this. I don't blame you for opting out. You just may have saved yourself from a lifetime of pain

[kdibattista]

It's really sad that she wanted to sell her baby to highest bidder. What the hell is wrong with people . I'm so sorry for your family... I can't begin to imagine how difficult this time is for you. You child will come along when it's the right time

[HappyTwinsMom]

I'm sorry this has happened to you. You're absolutely right; your child is out there somewhere and you will be parents one day.

We had a situation presented to us while we were still in the process of our getting our home study done. The baby was 2 months old and the more we talked with our agency, the more it seemed that the mom just wanted as much money as she could get. The agency let her know what was and wasn't allowed under the law, and we wound up turning down the situation...in part due to the money issues, but mostly due to other things.

Good for you for standing firm in your decision!

[Mared2chuck]

Wow

I had no idea that this happened so often. Our son's Bmom never asked us for money but would constantly ask my brother for money (hes the bf). She would Change her mind about letting us adopt if he didn't help her... She is an addict and had my son removed from her custody at birth. I told my brother NOT to continue to provide her with assistance but he said he felt responsiable. That was on him. Once the TRP's were signed any communicationn between us ( Her and myself stopped) due to her ending the comuntication. She called a couple of weeks ago asking to attend our son's first birthday. I blew her off. She wants to use my home as a vacaton resort. NOW she says that she has to sign another paper to finalize the adoption and she is going to refuse. She is angry because my brother wouldn't buy her a car.... Of course she dosen't need to sign another paper for the adoption to be finalized but she dosen't know that. I am not worrried about my son being removed this goes on in 2 different states... I have custody of him and the adoption will be complete in a month. It is just disgusting that someone uses her child as a money pit. Good luck to you all

[Leigh131313]

so very sorry that you had to go through this.

[GlenPod]

Thanks you everyone for your kind words - it is just so frustrating. If we have a failed match because the pbmom changes her mind then we are fine with that, we will be sad but have complete understanding. We just feel that this women never had good intentions and manipulated the system. What really stinks is we had alot of money at risk with this one because we had to pay counseling, lawyer fees and pbmom expenses. So now are adoption budget is less which means we are shown to less pbmom's. 1 or 2 more failed matches and we will be back to square 1 and have to save a year or so before we have enough money to try again. That is what is making us so scared.

Thanks again

[lovebeingmom2006]

I am very glad that you did not fall into her money trap. She probably would have taken your money and parented her child. This situation was not for you and God will send the right one. Just keep praying and have faith. Don't let anyone force you to give them money. We waited 3 years for our son and paid $5,000.00 below our budget. We turned down three situations during that time. God knows whats best and he will deliver when the time is right.

I will be praying for you. Hang in there, your child will be in your arms before you know it.

[jaenelle]

I don't think adoptive parents should ever pay birthmother expenses -- there's just too much chance for things like this to happen.

[WLD]

I agree. I had always thought that the agency would take care of any expenses if anyone did. certainly not the adoptive parents, they pay enough in fees! I can't imagine a bmother asking for money!!

[mommamarci]

Originally Posted by WLD

I agree. I had always thought that the agency would take care of any expenses if anyone did. certainly not the adoptive parents, they pay enough in fees! I can't imagine a bmother asking for money!!

From what I have been told, you would be surprised how many do ask for money. My agency has a range for fees. (I live in Indiana and the max cap is $3000). So their range is $0-3000. When I was talking to the SW at our home visit I asked about the range, she told us we would pay every penny of the $3000. She said some women don't want money, but most do, especially the AA woman. (I am not trying to profile or start a debate. Just repeating exactly what I was told.) She said many of these women (AA) are "selling" their babies and are just trying to get the money. At the time it bothered me, but I chalked it up to a bad explanation. I have had a few other issues with my agency and am starting to wonder if it was a bad explanation or if they are helping us to "buy" a baby from these women. Dh and I are very conflicted over this.

Sorry if I hijacked the thread. To the OP- I am very sorry for what you are going through. I pray every day that we do not end up in a similar situation at some point.

[traceyk]

We had a flat fee with no b-mom expenses and no extras. If she backed out the agency was responsible. This was a big reason we chose them.

[bocefus]

GlenPod wrote:"What really stinks is we had alot of money at risk with this one because we had to pay counseling, lawyer fees and pbmom expenses."

I believe the adoption tax credit can be applied to failed adoptions as well as successful ones. Might be worth checking out to see if your situation will allow you to take the tax credit for your lost expenses.

Good luck