[redbonec]

I am not sure what to do--hoping to get some opinions. I will try to make this as brief as possible while giving the needed details.

At our agency we meet with a few waiting couples monthly for support. I have gotten to know one of the women a little better--we email and occasionally call each other. About a month and half ago, by chance a friend of hers and her husband's notified them of an expectant mother who was considering adoption. My friend mailed her the agency information. I don't know if they have spoken with each other directly. A month ago, the potential birthmother began working with the agency.
Just yesterday I emailed my friend and asked how things were going. She replied that things were still moving forward and the agency was working on some legal issues. She has said they are optimistic but cautious because you are never sure until paperwork is signed. I emailed back and said that I would be excited for her. We are meeting at our support group next week.

Today, our agency called and asked to show our profile on Thursday to an expectant mother who wants to proceed with an adoption plan. Said that expectant mother would like to decide by Monday, and meet the family on Tuesday. She also mentioned that the expectant mother listed some criteria she is looking for in a family, and we along with three other couples will be shown. We said yes, show our profile. As she gave us some details, it became apparant that this is the same expectant mother my friend had been "matched" with! Either that or it would be highly coincidental. The details were all the same--due date, location, family info, other things also. I finally asked the SW if she could tell us was this the same mother that had been working with my friend and her husband. She was silent for a few seconds, then gave a nervous laugh and said well, she couldn't really say and that the she herself is not working with the mother--the SW in that city is. Clearly, she was not expecting us to know this information to ask it. We are with an agency that has offices throughout our state.

When my husband and I got off the phone, we looked at each other and said, "What do we do?" We feel that we would be backstabbing our friend who has also been waiting, and, from what I have gathered from her, assumed this potential birthparent was choosing them, and just using the agency for legal stuff. Also, last month this friend had said she and her husband have decided that the end of this year will be it for them--they have been through a lot, and they need a cut-off point at which to stop the waiting. At the same time, if the potential birthparent is looking, what does it do if we take our names out? She could choose another family.

What a situation--this is our first call from our agency to be shown--and we have been waiting 14 months. The agency was very slow in the fall and spring--things are beginning to pick up now.

At the moment our profile will be shown on Thursday. We are thinking of calling the SW and at least asking if they have notified my friend that the potential birthmother is looking at other families. Because from my communication with her this week I get that she may not know. Maybe they have assumed she had chosen them but maybe the birthmother never assumed that and is now looking at families. I don't know.

Anyone have thoughts on this?

[HappyTwinsMom]

Oh my, this does sound like a difficult situation. I guess my gut instinct would be to call the friend and tell her what's happening. You certainly don't want to hide the info from her, and if she's unaware that the potential birthmom is looking at other couples she could be more hurt in the long run by not being told. It surprises me a bit that the SW she's been working with hasn't relayed this information to her.

If you don't feel comfortable going directly to your friend, I would agree that you should at least call the SW and make sure she's aware that you're being presented for the same situation and that you are friends.

Good luck!

[hotspice58]

No answers but saying a prayer for everyone involved!!

[Leigh131313]

This is my thoughts on the matter.

You are not responsible for making this baby hers.

The pbirthmother should have the right to see everyone available, if she chooses. She needs to be comfortable with her decision.

There is no reason that you should KNOW that this is the same birthparent, so I would not say anything. First of all, if she does stay with your friend, your friend may feel betrayed and it could effect the relationship.

Technically you are in competition with your friend for every expectant parent that walks through the door. This is no different.

I would not say anything. I would ride it out and see what happens.

[danhanan]

I'm not so sure it's a good idea to say anything to anybody. The social workers have their jobs to do and I don't think it's a great idea to step on anyone's toes even if they are not doing it well. It may be that your friend knows that they haven't been officially chosen yet and is just being extrememly optimistic or uncomfortable admitting it. Either way, if I was in your shoes, for now I would just sit back and wait it out.

[danhanan]

Also, I wouldn't consider removing yourself. You may be just what she's looking for. If she shooses you over your friend you are not at fault for anything. If they want to set a deadline for themselves that's their choice and has no bearing on you or this situation.

[StorkWatcher]

I feel for you in this situation.

I am a firm believer that the child that is meant to be yours will find you. If this is that match, I don't think that the expectant mother would choose your friend anyway. Or vice versa.

However, I don't think I could not say something to the friend. It's not your fault if the SW haven't told your friend the e-mom is looking at other profiles (or maybe that is something new that she just decided before she makes a final decision).

I think in that situation, I would probably ask the SW if she could let the other prospective couples know they're not the only potential parents being looked at. After making that request, I would go ahead and agree to meet.

But that's just me. Good luck.

[BrandyHagz]

It's the mom's decision - she can pick who ever she feels is the best match...if she decides that's you, then that's that!

[Brittmomto3]

Personally, I would wait it out and see what happens. I wouldn't say anything. Obviously this birth mother REQUESTED to see other families. I agree with what Storkwatcher said .... the right babies end up with the right children.


Best wishes ..

[Fran27]

I agree also. Difficult situation for sure, but it's not your fault you are in it. I wouldn't say anything and see what happens... Good luck.

[JPDakota]

I think its important for you to remind yourself that you are not in charge of any of this...not what the agency does nor what the potential birth family does. The only thing you can do something about is what information your friend has. There are lots of kinds of friends, and I don't know what kind of friendship the two of you have. I would want to know and I would (I hope) want my friend to know what you suspect is going on. Tough situation, no doubt. I'm a big fan of communication, so that's the side I land on.
To reiterate what someone else said, put away thoughts of removing yourself from consideration. The decision is the pbmom's to make. You're not responsible for your friend's situation. You and your DH are great candidates, so hang in there!

[Growing]

I was reading this interesting thread and something stuck out at me. Someone stated that "the baby ends up with the right family" or something to that effect.

I just wanted to ask how that can be 100% true when it involves man's decisions. When humans are involved in anything, there is always potential for error because of our fallen nature.

My opinion is that in adoption no one can guarantee that the right decision is always made. I know that in biological families no everything is always perfect, either. However, in adoption there are a great many decisions being made and especially when there is money involved (for baby's - what's wrong with that picture?) there is never a guarantee.

Wouldn't it be nice if adoption wasn't ruled by money?

[Fran27]

I totally agree Growing... Plus I'm sure there would be lots of 'right' families for each baby. That being said, I think it's normal that the birthmom gets to choose the family, instead of just going blindly with the acquantance or an acquaintance etc. But if it's really the same birthmom your friend told you about, it's sad that she got led to believe that she was matched.

[Brittmomto3]

I personally beilive what is meant to be will be.

[definitelyjulia]

What really stands out to me is that the agency must not be doing that great of a job if they are allowing your friend to believe that they are the family that the birthmom has chosen. I think the agency has a ethical and legal obligation to be honest with your friend that the birthmom is considering other prospective adoptive parents.

I personally would be concerned about working with an agency where this type of situation is occuring. You need to be able to trust that the agency you're working with will be upfront with you even with news that isn't easy to hear.

I agree with a few other people here that said that the birthmom is ultimately the one that is going to choose you, your friends or somebody else, but if you value your relationship with your friend I just can't see how you can't tell them.

This is not a competition between you and your friends. It's about who matches most closely the birth parents ideal parents to raise their baby. What a horrible position this agency has put you in.

Good luck as you try to figure things out.
Julia