[JaCC]

My husband and I are going to approach his cousin about adopting her 4 year old daughter. The situation that the little girl lives in is terrible and she needs out of that house. I talked with an attorney today and he said the process is pretty simple if she and the girl's dad will sign the forms. We won't have to have a homestudy and the cost is cheap ($750). We have been diagnosed with infertility and are undergoing fertility treatments right now (clomid and IUI's). I feel so stressed about this. I want this to work out so badly for "A". But, I'm also very scared about taking her and raising her. We're both about 30 and have good jobs and are fully capable of raising her, but I'm still nervous about it. It's a total life adjustment. I could become a mom in a matter of weeks. I'm trying to turn this over to God and not worry about it, but I'm having trouble. I just want to be sure that we are doing the right thing. Then I think about "A" and how much different and better her life would be with us. And then I convince myself that we are capable of doing this and are doing the right thing. To anyone who has adopted a toddler or preschool age kid, do you think that she is young enough to overcome the trauma that she has already been through and turn out “normal”? She will need so much attention. She doesn’t know any of her ABC”s or 123’s or even how old she is. My stomach is just in knots about it. I want to do this so badly and save her, but the selfish part of me says that this will require a LOT of time, effort, etc. But, I can’t just turn my head and watch her suffer. Any words of encouragement for me? I am just struggling over this. We want kids so this would be the perfect opportunity. Right? If we can convince the parents……….. Her dad is jail so I think he would sign. The only reason that the mom wouldn’t would be because she’d lose her welfare benefits.

[numbr1dbcksfan]

If the child is in a dire situation... why not report it to CPS to investigate.. and then step forward as a relative willing to take the child if removed.

Is there more to this...? Has the mother expressed interest in having her daughter adopted?

I think you might be jumping the gun a little and getting yourself worked up about something that might not be necessary!!

[SchmennaLeigh]

Convince the parents?

Both of them, especially the Mother with custody, should receive counseling on placing a child. Counseling, not convincing.

[JaCC]

I've tried to get DHS involved and in my state, it's worthless. The child basically has to be physically harmed before they will remove the child. It doesn't matter that there are 10 people living in an unairconditioned (temps this week==90 degrees +), 2 bedroom trailer with no running water, they smoke drugs in the trailer in front of the child, etc. The child stays in a home with a 10 year boy who was sexally molested as a child (I tried DHS with his situation years ago and it was a waste of time then too. I've wasted a lot of time on the phone with DHS and it's a joke.

The mom has been pregnant 4 times. She gave one child to her mom, one was adopted at birth by some friends, she had one abortion, and this 4 year old, she is attempting to raise. She is ignorant and I don't think that couseling will do her any good. Sure, we'd pay for her to go to counseling if she'd go, but I think her ONLY hangup about it will be losing her welfare check.

[numbr1dbcksfan]

Well if she wants to raise her daughter.. and CPS doesnt get involved.. Im not sure there is much you can do...

[2Bulgarianbeauties]

Good luck. Perhaps losing the stress of having a kid will be worth the lost welfare money. I will say a prayer for you and the little girl.

As far as bringing home a toddler. She is completely salvageable. Some make the transition easily, and rebound quickly, others take more effort. Be on the lookout for problems, but do not make ones where they do not exist. Follow your gut. Talk to counselors if you see a possible issue, and say a lot of prayers!

Kay

[JaCC]

She has in a jokingly way said that we could take "A". Everytime I see "A", she asks if she can move in with me and asks her mom to pack her clothes. "A"'s mom is on drugs and has been in rehab before. I think that she knows that "A" would be so much better off with us, but I don't know if she'll give up the welfare money. If she doesn't agree to either give her to us or change her lifestyle, the only thing I know to do is to continue to call DHS until someone does SOMETHING!!!

[2Bulgarianbeauties]

By the way - I understand the scared part. When we were pulling up to the orphanage to get my daughter, I told them to turn around! I am so excited, and so scared about bringing home my second daughter. But, you put one foot in front of the other and keep going. It is a complete life change, but I would not have it any other way. Being a mom ROCKS!

Kay

[2Bulgarianbeauties]

Another thought. If she is holding out for the money, and will not sign away her rights, could you have her live with you anyway, just not formally adopt her?

[la vida loca]

Have you given any thought to how you would explain the circumstances of her adoption to her in the future? And, have you given any thought to how you would resolve your negative feelings about the child's mother?

[Lorraine123]

Realize that emotional damage to a child is done in the first three years of life. If she was neglect during those years, there is the possibility of attachment issues. Read up and study Reactive Attachment Disorder before having this child live in your home. You must parent a child with attachment issues in a different way than you parent a child without them. I would look into having a therapist lined up immediately if she does join your family. And be sure the therapist is fully familiar with issues of older neglected children. No matter how bad her home life is, she will grieve immensely for it.

[JaCC]

No, I've not gotten that far. She knows her mom is mean to her and she tells me that her mom is mean to her so I'm not sure how I'll deal with that. Right now, the only thing I know to tell her is that her mom wasn't able to take care of her and we loved her so much that we wanted her to come live with us. As for my negative feelings towards the mom, I think they will subside if she is willing to do what's best for "A". It's not that she's just a terrible human being. She was raised very poorly by her mom so she's doing the only thing that she knows how to do to her daughter. She needs help. She has no self-worth and needs some therapy for sure. My anger toward her will dimish is she does what's right for A.

[brink]

One thing I would be very careful to do is not to "romanticize" the situation. I don't mean this to sound unkind at all, but I can see that a loving person such as you sound could so easily let yourself imagine life with this little girl as the perfect solution. I appreciate your love for this child and your desire to make a better life for her. But considering what this child has been through and witnessed already in her young life, it would seem there could be some significant issues in her young life. The fact that she lived with a 10yr old who had been sexually abused suggests the possibility that she may have suffered some of the same. It certainly doesn't sound as if the children are supervised in any significant way. If this is the case, this child certainly needs a loving home anyway...but just know that these difficult issues could be part of her history and future. I only mention these things to help you consider what is best not only for this child but for you and your family. I think first it's important when considering adoption what types of issues you feel ready to handle. Anything can come up in the life of any child, adopted or bio...but I believe strongly that adoptive parents need to go into it with a general idea of the kinds of issues they are ready to deal with. I'm wondering if the best for this child might even be to be placed in a family far removed from her birth family, if the courts decide she should be taken away from her mother. I can't imagine how difficult family issues could become, if this little girl became your daughter. You would probably continue to have some type of contact with the birth mother and/or her/your relatives. How hard would this situation be for you in the future? Just some questions to consider. I do pray for the best for this child, whatever that may be. And I wish you the best, as you seek to build a family through adoption. Though this may seem like it could potentially become the "easiest" way to begin your family...I would be concerned with some of the issues it could also involve between relatives.

[la vida loca]

Suppose you approach her mother and the response is a resounding NO and she cuts off further contact with you. What then? You may want to consider whether it is more important to adopt this child or help this child (not that the two are mutually exclusive but you may have to make a hard decision). Are you absolutely sure you can't get child services to intervene? At least then her mother has a chance to set things right with her child by getting help and formulating a plan. If things really are as bad as you describe you may still eventually have the opportunity to adopt her in the future.

[JaCC]

Originally Posted by la vida loca

Suppose you approach her mother and the response is a resounding NO and she cuts off further contact with you. What then? You may want to consider whether it is more important to adopt this child or help this child (not that the two are mutually exclusive but you may have to make a hard decision). Are you absolutely sure you can't get child services to intervene? At least then her mother has a chance to set things right with her child by getting help and formulating a plan. If things really are as bad as you describe you may still eventually have the opportunity to adopt her in the future.

I have thought about this and worried about it. If the mom says NO, I don't think that she will cut us off completely. I could be wrong, but it's too convenient for her to have us take her off her hands when she wants to run around. CPS has been no help in the past. In our state, it's basically a joke. I have spent so much time on the phone with them and they say that you have to prove that the parent is unfit, which is basically impossible. I even told them the they smoked pot in front of the child and she told me that it's not illegal to smoke pot, it's just illegal to possess it. Ummm...How you be smoking it and not be possessing it??? Most of the people they employ don't really care whether or not they are following the law. They are probably getting paid very little and don't care whether or not they help you or not. I'm sure not all of them are like that, but the majority that I've talked to are.
Yes, I am concerned about your point, but I feel like we're too far in this now to turn around. If she says NO, I guess we will just worry about that then.