[JaCC]

Thank you so much. What a releif to feel like SOMEONE can see my point and I don't have to try to defend myself. My heart just aches because I'm so torn about it. To me, it seems like the only answer for "A" is to be with caring parents and since we've tried to help her in other ways, this seems like the only solution. I just can't see her mom changing her lifestyle. Thanks again. For a minute, I was starting to doubt myself after feeling shot down by some posters.

Originally Posted by pwheatle

JaCC
You are a far bigger person than I to take what has been offered here by some posters as 'constructive criticism' You know what is going on with this family and you know how the child is being treated. I believe you when you say that over the last twelve years you have done your best to help this family and that you are continuing to do so. Go forth and do what you think is best. It is those that sit by waiting for things to change that are as guilty as those who inflict the abuse and neglect. Continue to do what you are doing.

Tricia

[WLD]

My son came from the type of enviroment you are talking about. a caring family member intervened by going by and feeding the child and doing daily care that the bparents weren't doing. Hard to care for a child when you are cooking meth, etc. Unfortunately, they didn't remove this child soon enough as far as i'm concerned. He was bounced around from family member to family member, talk about attachment problems. Now the child has to deal with learning disbilities due FAS and parental drug use and neglect. They too tried to help the mom and dad for years, even offered to pay for them to go to counseling, they never did clean up their act. bdad is in jail yet again, mom got out recently. The children should always be the main concern.

[numbr1dbcksfan]

I kind of sit on both sides... I have anger issues about family who never stepped in... BUT I also had everything made SO MUCH worse for me when steps taken by people failed.

I almost want to say that maybe the best thing you can do is continue to offer to care for her when the mother needs a break. Really.. it isnt wrong for families to help out... she may be using them for the wrong reason but you guys are helping for the right reason.

Im just afraid that the child will pay the price when this mom is pushed. It just seems that if she knows you want the child... it may push her to keep the child more. Even physical abuse isnt always enough to remove the child. But in this situation... it could turn out that you want the child... so she wont let you have her.... and if the child wants to go.. well that is betrayal and not only could she not let her go but turn on the child for having the wrong loyalties.

I know it was and is always about my mom... and she thinks she is great... and we (who do not want to live in a van high all the time.. ugh) are just snobs.

Again.. not saying she is like this... but I fully believe that my mom is not alone with her tactics.

As angry as I am for family members not stepping in when they had the chance.. I also understand that -- like you said -- the law wasnt on their side... and when anyone did step in it made it worse on me.

Perhaps you should consider multiple plans. One being you as the repreive for the child -- but not necessarily the rescuer.

[Howdy]

Maybe you should just not point out the welfare aspect to the mom when you ask about adopting the child, let her make her own choices about that.

My daughter has a friend who was adopted by an aunt. The mom (aunt) told me that her sister (the bmom) continued collecting social security payments on the child for 2 years and she felt bad about having to fill out a social security fraud report on her sister but it was the only way she could get the money for her daughter.

I hope you can rescue the child. It is so terrible to grow up unprotected. I adopted my daughter last year (from foster care, not a birth-relative) and the horror stories that made up her life are just awful. She had been in foster care when she was 22 mths old but was given back to her parents, and it was such a horrible mistake for that to happen. The foster system doesn't rescue all the children that need to be helped.

[la vida loca]

Please know that I in no way fault you for wanting to help this child! I certainly don't intend for you to feel slammed or attacked. It may be that even with the dissenting opinions voiced here you may decide to continue with your plans and that may in fact be the right decision. That said, adoption is permanent and once that mother/child bond is broken it will never the same.

I'm not coming from a pollyanna point of view, being around my father was like taking emotional poison and I don't miss having him around, but I also learned some valuable life lessons by having him as a father. It was the other people in my life who sustained me and showed me a better way to live and it sounds like you are one of those positive people in this girl's life. Whatever happens, I hope that role can continue!

I wish you peace with whatever decision you make.

[happygmom]

One of my dear friends provided respite care for the son of one of her friends. I don't know a lot of the details but the situation sounds VERY similar to yours except that the child was younger. My friend knew that she was taking a terrible emotional risk but this remarkable woman did it for the sake of the child. She asked for no committment from the family and never mentioned adoption. She did it to help the mom get back on track and be a good mother. After 2 years of the boy moving back and forth, there was a mutual agreement that my friend would adopt the little boy. He is now in his 20's and has had continued contact with his first family but mom is clearly his adoptive mother. He graduated at the top of his class from a top university and is getting married this year.

So, in my opinion, offering respite care is a loving thing to do as long as it is unconditional. Perhaps the mother will come around and straighten up her life. Maybe she will see that her child needs the stable environment that you can offer. That said, it is an emotionally risky situation for you and, as I am sure you are VERY aware, the ending may not be as happy as my friend's.

Good luck and bless you for caring about this child.

Happy G'Ma

[JaCC]

You are so correct. I am worried that the ending may not turn out as happy as your friend's. My husband will not consider just taking the child without adoption. I would, but since he's seen how other members of his family yo-yoed some of his cousins around, he's not willing to do it unless there are no strings attached. I know I've jumped into this too fast, considering we've not talked the parents. It could go either way right now. I really feel like she'll be relieved of the responsiblity, but I could be wrong.

Originally Posted by happygmom

So, in my opinion, offering respite care is a loving thing to do as long as it is unconditional. Perhaps the mother will come around and straighten up her life. Maybe she will see that her child needs the stable environment that you can offer. That said, it is an emotionally risky situation for you and, as I am sure you are VERY aware, the ending may not be as happy as my friend's.

Happy G'Ma

[numbr1dbcksfan]

Test the waters. You have heard about both sides.. now.. test... feel her out.

[LoveJosiah]

I just wanted to say that I have been in a similar situation with my brother's 3 precious, abused, neglected boys. For years they went back & forth between us, at my brother's or sister-in-law's request (or "demand") I would drive 350 miles to "rescue" the little XXX before they "killed them". My husband & I would love the children, take good care of them for months at a time, then my brother (or his wife) would suddenly call one day & demand that I bring their "seeds" home immediately. Having no legal rights, only emotionally very involved, I had to do their bidding, even when it wan't in the best interest of the boys, and hope to be able to see them again soon.
My brother & his wife held contact with these boys over my head for years, for they knew how much I loved them. If I did what they wanted (gave them money, paid their bills, came at once when they called, kissed their royal butts, etc), then I could see the boys. If I critisized their (horrible) parenting or in any way crossed them, we couldn't see the boys, and they couldn't see us, which broke all of our hearts.
When I finally called CPS after the boys were badly beaten (picture black eyes on an 18 month old & his mother's excuse was that she "must have blacked out", and the 8 year old wating to kill himself to get out of the family), my brother & his wife served me with a restraining order, saying I wanted to "steal" their children, that I planned to kidnap them.
CPS did an "investigation" (after the bruises had healed & the kids were scared to speak up) and found that all was "OK". BAH! And, restraining order granted, we haven't seen the boys in 3 years.
My mother (who is still kissing butt to see them) says they ask about my DH & I all the time. Do they think we abandoned them? I can only wait for them to turn 18 and then contact them.
These situations are so hard - but you have to follow your heart and pray much and do whatever you can, whenever you can, for as long as you can to help these precious, helpless children.
May God lead & bless you and give you favor in this situation.
I would say to go ahead and ask outright. I never did and I regret it to this day, even tho I am sure they would have said "No" (they got lots of welfare money for those 3 boys).

[tinktink]

Good luck. You know who these people are. It sure doesn't come as a shock re: $. Does it feel as if the child has a price on her head due to the welfare checks? Such a yucky, base thought. Kind of makes you sick, it does me. I'm in a similar situation, with very similar people. Best of luck to you and the child. I hope you can find the best choice for you both.

[JaCC]

We were not able to locate the mom this weekend, but heard enough from family members to know that something HAS to be done very soon. I'm going to try to get a message to the little girl's mom, but it's so hard to do when there's no phone where she's staying and no one knows exactly where she's at, just the town. This little girl's safety is in danger because the mom is staying with relatives that have sexally molested a 5 year boy (5 years ago==DHS did nothing) so I can't focus on anything until she's safe. I am just praying that when the mom hears that we want to talk to her, she will know what we're going to ask and be receptive to it. It would make it so much easier for her tramp around without having the burden of her 4 year old with her so maybe she won't balk about it.

[MamaTo6]

Prayers for all involved.