[Andrea Shea]

We should all get together and publish a book. This is the type of advice, stories, ECT, that I would have loved to have had access to when I began the adoption process all these years ago. This is the kind of things that the EXPERTS don't put into literature.....real humans with real marriages, hopes and dreams and most of all expectations. Thank you to each of you....you are all wonderful inspirational women.

Nikki - Polycycstic Ovarian Disease is a nightmare......I was diagnosed in 2000 along with fibroid tumors. Take heart in knowing that you are not alone, did it take a long time to diagnose you? There are soooo many young women out there who are ignorant about the syndrome and don't have the answers they need to know what is happening to their bodies. My mother told me she thought I had it in my teen years but I was doubtful and the doctors didn't confirm anything.....mom was right....by the time I was dianosed it was very obvious that I was indeed a pcod victim. I hope women who are trying to concieve read this and get some idea of what to talk to the doctor about.

Leigh!! Oh my goodness...what a terrible thing. I hate it when the phone rings at night much less the doorbell. I am thankful you were alright. My husband also works nights, I know what you mean.

Regarding husband support - I have said in previous posts that I hope you all have someone beside you who is as wonderful as my husband. He was actually ready to adopt before I was......He cries with me, talks me through things, he always has. Even during our hellish infertility treatment years. I grew up with my husband and we have know each other since gradeschool. His house was a second home to me and even took vacations and went to summer camp together when we were in the 6th grade. I was to marry another young man but canceled the wedding because I was in love with "my friend". We have been a couple for more than ten years and I love him so much.

I would seek couseling and professional advice before entering the adoption process if one spouse or another is not 100% ready to go. It is difficult when you are both on board. I cannot even fathom what it must be like for single people or couples who don't see eye to eye. Seriously consider how much stress your marriage can take. I do not think it is right for a man to say no and think that is the end of it however. How selfish, and........how cruel.

Today was a good day for me. I have learned to deal with the fact that our potential baby was not the right one for us. A baby will need us just as we need them in the future. Yes, I am still very sad.......I know that someone is very very happy right now and will bring home a new son in less than a week. I asked my husband if he thought it would be alright if I made a baby afghan for him and sent it to his new mommy and daddy.....he said probably not a good idea..he doesn't want me to continue thinking of him as he sees how painful it is and it would be a reminder to him as well. I know he is right. I will probably think of that little boy the rest of my life. But I can say these things without sobbing so that is a step forward.

Hubby and I are going to see Baby Cole tomorrow night. I cannot wait to have him in my arms. Maybe pretend just a little

Hugs to all and have a great weekend. Andrea

[ChasingRainbows]

I haven't had time to read all the past posts yet but I would love to join you all.

DH and I have been married for 5 years, due to PCOS we have not been able to have children. I have been on Metformin for a while but it is more to regulate how i feel than for FT.

We made the decision to pursue adoption rather easily as I have four adopted siblings and we both dreamed of adopting as part of growing our family. Didn't expect to start there but are very happy as children are no different how they come to our arms.

We are working on a private adoption, and I have been trying to be patient with DH while he finishes up grad classes so we have not been going full steam ahead...well we talked about it last weekend and decided we will start really looking for a match.

I am really in need of "waiting support" as I know we both have wanted children for a long time but DH is distracted now with classes...and I don't have anything to distract me while I wait.

Days this past summer have seemed like weeks and weeks like months. Looking forward to getting to know you all! Will read up in my free time here soon.

Elizabeth

[Andrea Shea]

welcome Elizabeth!!!!!!!!!!

Of course you can join in, as if you had to ask.

I think this is a great thread, believe me it helps soooo much to be able to share with people who are going through similar situations.

I have found during the past three years of waiting that there are some things that are wonderful in the waiting process to try to pass the time.

I try to learn something new every other month or so. Crochet, draw, cook, ect.......Doesn't always provide comfort however, but I try.

Our nursery has been set and ready to go for the past two years. I started putting it together while pregnant in 2002, after I lost our baby, I stopped, when we finished the homestudy in 2003, I finished it. I would not recommend doing this. I am treated for depression, my doctor told me to get rid of the nursery due to the fact that it is EMPTY. He told me it was like an alcoholic trying to forget about booze with a fully stocked bar in his house. We basically just keep the door shut. I think having the essentials on hand in case you get the call is a great idea, but to go full out and have it look like the baby is here, just off visiting grandma, well, it hasn't been so good for us.

Best of luck to you and your husband, Elizabeth. From one adoptive mommy in the waiting to another.

[Lovebug]

Welcome Elizabeth! Lots of us with PCOS here so we can relate for sure!

Another damp rainy day here. We were going to head to the mall, but I think everyone else is going to do that, too, so we'll see.

--Renee

[Vogi2002]

Okay ladies...so WELCOME meadopting and I hope the waiting goes quickly for you!!

Andrea-I truly think you made your dh from raw material and he is just a fabrication...maybe you should try pinching him to see if he is real? He sounds like some robotic "perfect man"....LOL, no really he sounds fabulous. I'm stuck with a "not-so-smooth" man when it comes to support. He truly does not know WHAT to say at WHAT time. But, he's perfect for me and that is all that matters I do agree about the support, even if dh doesn't know what to say, I know it's because he is hurting too...which means he cares too...

Lovebug-did you go to the mall today?

Leigh!!! OMG girl I would have FREAKED!! Did you call the police? One time I heard a wierd sound in our front door like someone was trying to bust it open with the lock...I FLIPPED, called the Police, called dh crying, dogs barking (which made me flip out MORE), called my mom and dad (because I'm truly just an overgrown little girl), police came out, I asked them to walk the outside AND inside (in case the attempted robber could walk through walls and got in my house..LOL)....so believe me, I know how bad that is, and I didn't sleep all night either (oh, dh was working late this night)....

Nikki- I'm so sorry about your pbmom, so are you guys still counting on her? I can't believe she hasn't called or anything


Okay ladies, I had the WORST (and best all at the same time) dream last night. I was SO mad when I woke up...then I became sad, and it has lasted all day. I dreamt (and I NEVER dream these kind of dreams...ever....never dreamed I was pg, had kids, nothing) that we had a little baby girl placed with us...dark black hair with tight curls, little freckles, so cute. She was an infant and I dreamt everything, the first week, not knowing what I was doing with her, then becoming comfortable, walking and singing to her, rocking her, crying because she wouldn't sleep, everything. Then fast forward the dream (but not dream like fast forward...I still felt like I experienced the years in the dream...don't know how I fit that in 8 hours) three years later. My baby girl is now three, and getting her pictures taken. She has curly black hair down to her shoulders, freckles on her nose, is such a girly girl, has almond brown eyes and cute chubby cheeks....we are getting her pics taken at some place and we want dress up clothes to be everywhere around her like she is playing dress up. Well she is sitting down with tiaras, pearls, big shoes everywhere, and a big dress on, and she won't smile for keith, me, or the photographer. So I lean down and sit next to her, give her a gentle smile and move her curls out of her face. I ask her why she won't smile for mommy, then my girl gently puts pearls around my neck and a tiara on me and says "You play with me"....I giggle and the photographer starts shooting pictures with both of us laughing.....

Then I wake up...sit up...and want to cry when I realize it's just a dream . *Sigh*. Maybe I'm not meant to ever be a mom...sometimes I feel like this is just like infertility and will end up being the same outcome...nothing. Years of pain for NOTHING. I then start thinking about how young we are, how I'm not going to be a stay at home mom, I don't have a college education, Keith went to Technical College, We aren't rich..... I worry we will never be picked. I worry that we are fooling ourselves and no bmom is ever going to want us to parent thier child. Am I really WORTHY of being called a mom? Maybe not...maybe this is God's cruel way of telling me this...

Have I mentioned that waiting SUCKS.....I feel so foolish getting upset (really my first mental breakdown of the wait) when it's only been a month. I didn't tell dh about being upset...only about my dream, he laughed and said "oh yeah well I dreamed..." blah blah blah. It's not that I don't think he's being supportive...it's just that if I freak out, he freaks out. And he has the bad habit of saying the "just" word . "Just" forget about it, it's only "just" been a month. "Just" put your mind on something else and don't talk about it all the time.

I love the man but he can be so stupid!!

Man I love getting my feelings out here to you all..

Natalie

[Andrea Shea]

I am pretty sure that I won the lotto on husbands, I appreciate every day we have together. Sure I want to kill him sometimes..and vice versa, but that is normal. Besides, how can you make up if you never argue

Natalie - I appreciate and understand how you felt about your dream. I have had two dreams that have repeated a few times....one is I am giving a baby boy a bath in the tub here at the house. Nothing out of the ordinary, just a fun bath, I pick him up, wrap him in a towel...and then that is it...it is over...makes me sad. I can see him so vividly it is scary.

The other is the worst nightmare I have ever experienced. We are matched meet the bmom and the baby.....we have to leave and then come back to pick him up...when we get there she had killed the baby and had him preserved so she would have all the memories to herself and he would never change from the way she remembers him.......I was actually so upset by this dream that I was naucious all day and sometimes think of it when I am drifting off.....I am afraid it will come back when I am sleeping. Horrible. What and where this crap comes from in our minds is a chamber I wish wasn't part of our system.

Hubby and I went to see Baby Cole for the first time tonight.....what an angel..he is four pounds twelve ounces and is comfortably at home now. I even got to change his diaper His little hiney made me laugh...he looked like a bull frog laying there. Tiny. My friend was wonderful. As soon as we walked in her apartment she says Here you go, enjoy him as long as you want. I just felt his warmth, weight, and softness in my arms. I loved to listen to him sleeping and watch all those little expressions they have on their faces when they sleep. I will never forget my grandfather saying "look, the angels are talking to him" while he held my nephew when he was new and so expressive. Sad yes, but I swear it works like medicine for me........sometimes God has a way of reminding you of what you are doing all of this for....what in the world could be a better goal than being a parent to such a wonderful gift??

Goodnight Ladies.......No bad dreams tonight. Andrea

[Fran27]

Natalie - you're not the only one. Since we've been on the list (4 months now) I've adopted 3 little boys and 2 little girls in my dreams. Last night it was a little boy... Definitely horrible when you wake up.

I've also dreamed twice that we were presented and didn't get chosen.

*sigh*

Leigh, I would have freaked also. Maybe it was nothing, but you guys need to fix that bell

[amandalynne]

Hello to everyone!

Thank you so much for sharing all your stories, they are sad and inspiring and heartbreaking but most of all I can relate to them!! I am so glad I found a place to meet other women who are waiting and we can share openly with each other.

Leigh - I can't believe everything you went through to get your first child. Sounds like a nightmare, but in the end it was all worth it.

Natalie/Fran - I just had a dream the other night that I was pregnant. It's so painful after it's over and you realize it's only a dream. My sister in law is getting married in October and she recently sent our bridesmaid dresses to us all - we are spread out all over the country. So I had just recieved the dress and tried it on for the first time. That night I had a dream that my SIL showed up at our house because she wanted to see me in the dress, to make sure it fit. I was 5 or 6 months pregnant at the time so I went to put it on and it didn't fit of course. I told her I would go get it taken out and make sure it fit before the wedding.

My husband had a dream years ago, before we were married even. He was playing with our daughter and she was fair skinned, like me and not like my DH, and had blond hair and blue eyes. Blond hair in little ringlets. Neither of us have blond hair but my MIL does and I have blue eyes so we figured it was a sign that we would have a daughter and she would get his mom's blond hair and my blue eyes. He always tells me about how vivid that dream was and how it sticks with him even to this day.

Natalie - I have felt exactly like you describe so many times. That maybe I'm not supposed to be a mom, that I don't deserve to experience that for some reason, etc. I certainly don't have any advice for how to handle those feelings. I ususally just let the tears come if I am home and wallow in it for a while and then eat something I really shouldn't to make myself feel better. I'm surprised I'm not 100 pounds over weight by now

I don't think the men experience as much of this doubt and self hate as we women do. It's like with TTC, I was the one living inside my body so I was constantly trying to interpret every little twinge, does that mean I am pregnant? Should I test? I know how much my husband wants to be a father but I feel like they get some separation from the process. At least that's how it was with TTC, we'll see how the adoption process goes, maybe that will be more equally shared. What do you ladies think? Do men experience the emotional rollercoaster of adoption just as much as the women?

Tomorrow I start working full time again because the semester starts! Yuck!

Have a great night,
Amanda

[ChasingRainbows]

Oh ladies....the dreams....I know how hard they can be. Sometimes I don't want to wake up. I think I am happy to stay with the little ones that laugh at me as I care for them.

The hardest one for me is the one where I am up rocking him and I can literally smell his scent. I drive myself crazy.

As for husbands I too have a really great guy. He is still a man though, I feel things differently than him. We have had many of arguments (started by me) that he is not as excited about it as I am or does not feel the sadness that I do some days.

He swears it is not true but experiences this differently than I do. It is hard because I really struggle with things he does not seem to understand. HOWEVER, he will always put everything aside for me if I need to talk, cry or laugh.

We are planning to step up our networking this month. He had a hectic month in graduate classes and we were both overwhelmed so now we are trying to brainstorm on some creative ways to get our name out into the community and family's communities.

If anyone has any ideas that would be great. It was a good day here, we went for a drive and talked about where we will go from here. We had not (as of yet) gotten our homestudy finished as we were looking for a connection in the state we live in. We are going to call and get it finished as we send out letters to our family memebrs. We have so many people spread out accross the country that we hope some contacts will come our way.

Have a good evening!!!

[Leigh131313]

Ugg...baby dreams.


I remember them too well! I've only really had one since M was born, and that one only made me smile....not leave me feeling depressed all day.

The best part of those dream IS how vivid they seem. You can actually FEEL the ache of joy in your chest...

The worst part is waking up....I usually try deperately to go back to sleep and dream it again....but it never works.


We went to our Fair yesterday (not sure if i posted this already). It was so much fun, it's the first time M ever road any of the rides (you have to be 2). He had so much fun, and it was SO nice to be pushing his stroller around and watching him enjoy all the fun and excitement.

Ya know, it's been over 2 years....and I still can't believe somedays that I'm a Mom.

[Tunay4754]

My experience with my husband has been much like meadopting said hers is. He is supportive of me but he does not seem to be effected by the ups and downs like I am. Even after our recent failed adoption it didn't seem to bother him at all which makes it harder for me because I feel like he is not experienceint the things that I am. He is a good support though and takes time for me anytime I need it day or night.

H

[Lovebug]

Hey Gals,

Yes, we did go to the Mall. Just walked around. It was PACKED as I suspected. Our son didn't want anything to do with sitting in his stroller. He walked through the mall holding my hand or DH's hand or holding the stroller, and even though I have known for quite some time that he is more and more becoming a "boy" and not a baby anymore, it was so sad to me in a way. As I cherish each step of his independence, I also mourn the loss of that little baby, too. Ugh.

I have "baby" dreams quite often since we decided to start the process again. I think it comes with the territory, kwim? But it does stink when I wake up.

My hubby is very much involved in the process. He was the first time, too. I think for us it goes back to our infertility...we both suffer from it and it really brought us together, kwim?

Nothing going on here this week really. Going through the same stuff...laundry, chores, errands...lol.

--Renee

[Andrea Shea]

I had a pretty good weekend.....rainy, dark, and alone. Husband working and then hanging out with the guys getting ready for hunting season to start. Yes you hunters widows out there, it has begun.

I went with him this afternoon to shoot trap. I hunt with him until the weather gets to cold. I cannot believe another winter will come and go without any changes in the parenting situation. He is gone so much.........I look forward to the days with our child.

It was so hot and muggy that I didn't stay very long today. I was sweating like a farm animal so I went home and made a big sunday supper...fried chicken, mashed taters and milk gravy...the works. He was tickled to hit the door and see it all there on the table for him. I hope everyone is safe and sound, families to. Did you hear about the plane crash in Kentucky.....so so sad. Makes you think how lucky you are though, no matter if it doesn't seem that way. Have a good Monday. Andrea

[missw005]

Looks like I'm the odd duck here. Most of my kid dreams are about my boys or former foster children.
I hate those dreams.
The kids are always being taken away by someone - a social worker taking them back to birthfamily or a birthfamily member themselves or someone I can sense is bad news.............or I'm looking for them as they call me desperately to help them - and I can't find them.
I've been a foster parent for over 11 years. I stopped doing long-term care almost 6 years ago. I had a set of b/g twins that I was fos-adopting. They were 4 yrs old, blonde-haired, blue-eyed (don't look like anyone in our family ) - lots of problems, though. They spent a couple years living in a shed with their older brothers - the bfamily would throw food in, landing on the floor, and they would scramble around for it like dogs. There was other nasty stuff going on, too. (can't go there)
They struggled for everything. Could barely sit up in their chairs, didn't know how to use a fork (they ate everything with big spoons or would just stick their head in the food and eat it if you didn't watch them), weren't used to bathing, clean clothes, etc. It was heartbreaking.
On top of it all, after a few months of them living with me, bmom got out of jail and was in rehab. I had to bring them to visits with her, and sometimes with the older brothers. Wow. Seeing all the birth family filled in a lot of the blanks. Scary, scary, scary.

After going through several workers and several more months, we were at the TPR hearing. Bmom finally realized this was it. When the judge was talking to her to make sure she understood, she said "I don't want them going to her!" (pointing to me) So she turned around and begged her mother to take them. She agreed and bmom signed the TPR papers.

I was shocked. I was totally unprepared. The worker told me TPR would be done and I could start my petition to adopt. The judge started to award immediate custody - my God, I hadn't even brought the twins! (The courthouse is 1-1/2 hours from our house, for crying out loud.) Luckily I had made friends with the bailiff, who talked the judge into letting me have them until the weekend.
When Sunday came, my mom and I met their grandparents in a fast food parking lot. I had tried to explain what was happening to the twins, but between their FAS and developmental delays, they just didn't get it. The grandparents came, and I started loading all their stuff in the back of their van. They were irritated that the kids had so much stuff! Clothes, toys, favorite art projects from schools, photo albums - I'm sure most of it got tossed once they got home.

The worst part was that the family wouldn't allow any contact between the twins and me. I'm sure they wondered why I didn't call or visit. But there was no way the birth family was going to allow that. I never saw them again.
I used to get news sometimes. People from our small community have seen them, on and off, over the years. I'm told they're often dirty, quiet and sullen. I don't even want to imagine what their life must be like now. I do know that within a few months of them going back, bgrandma let bmom take the kids for a ride. Which she was NOT supposed to - she was to have supervised visits ONLY, but when you live NEXT DOOR to bgrandma (apparently the SW's never caught on to this fact or didn't care), bmom could do whatever she wanted! Better yet, bmom had been caught driving drunk and/or high with them before - twice when they had visits with her while they were with me - and was banned from driving with them, ever.
Anyway, bmom was drunk and high and crashed the car with the twins in it. Bmom walked away, LEFT THEM IN THE CAR so she wouldn't get in trouble. Of course they were injured and thank God a passing motorist saw the wrecked car and heard them crying. They were in the hospital for weeks. One lost a spleen, the other a kidney...........you get the picture. I only knew because someone in town had a relative that worked in the hospital they were in and recognized them. But of course, I couldn't visit or anything.

It broke my heart. All of it, everything. I went to some dark places inside myself I hope I never have to see again. I swore off long-term foster care and now do crisis or respite care (2 weeks maximum) only.

So I know about those nightmares.

But almost a year later, my son J and I found each other. He brought joy into my life again. Maybe that's why I'm so overprotective of him - and of Q - I know what's out there.

I'll tell you this, though. It took me almost 7 years - yes I said SEVEN YEARS - to find my son. During that time I helped raise many peoples' children. Grew up myself quite a bit as well. Now I'm going on 2+ years looking for my 3rd child - maybe even a daughter, if I dare say so. I've gone through TONS of self doubt. Why aren't they picking me? Why do workers say they love my homestudy but don't pick me? Why have I been the 2nd or 3rd choice SO many times, but just aren't chosen? Why, WHY, WHY???????
Many of you know I'm really hoping for a baby this time. I got the boys when they were 2-1/2 and 1-1/2. I just want 1a baby - just one! Not a newborn, a nice 5-10 month old. Someone to call ME mama first, someone I can feed yecchy stuff to in a high chair, someone who takes their first steps to ME. I never got to experience that with my boys. Honestly, I think I've earned it, in the good karma points kind of way. But as the months pass, and it doesn't happen, I wonder if it ever will. I go through all that self-pity, self-doubt, sometimes self-hate while I debate why I'm not being chosen. Sometimes I just hate my worker, though.

At least you all have a hubby to share those dreams with! To share your fears, your hopes, your sadness. I talk about it with my friends a little but you all know how that goes. When people haven't been through the adoption process, they have NO idea. Their understanding, hope and sympathy is limited. Pretty much I use my friends here for support.

But I'll borrow your husbands anytime!!! Besides, the boys want a GUY to play with, "not just you, Mommy."

I then start thinking about how young we are, how I'm not going to be a stay at home mom, I don't have a college education, Keith went to Technical College, We aren't rich..... I worry we will never be picked. I worry that we are fooling ourselves and no bmom is ever going to want us to parent thier child. Am I really WORTHY of being called a mom?

Listen here, Natalie. You ARE going to be a mom. Sometimes I think it's so hard so we never forget how lucky we are once we become parents. As for being working parents who aren't rich - well, hells bells, girl, neither am I! Lots of us aren't. I think, no, I KNOW there would be TONS more people adopting if the fees weren't so high. Heck, I'd be in domestic adoption myself if I could afford it.
Let's be honest. There are bparents out there who are looking for rich families - so their baby can live in a world they themselves never knew - and will likely never know. But there are also bparents out there who are just looking for the perfect family for them - a family with values like theirs, with a job/education/lifestyle like theirs, with a dog like theirs, grandparents who live by them, anything.........every birthparents' list of qualities they're looking for is different.

A birthmom WILL pick you. Most likely when you least expect it or are ready to give up. But don't give up. You ARE worthy. It WILL happen. It'll just suck until then. Hang in there, Natalie, hang in there.

Sandy

[Vogi2002]

Originally Posted by missw005

A birthmom WILL pick you. Most likely when you least expect it or are ready to give up. But don't give up. You ARE worthy. It WILL happen. It'll just suck until then. Hang in there, Natalie, hang in there.

Sandy

Do you mind if I just use this as my quote and take the other off my signature?? hehe Thank you so much for that, I needed it. You story about the twins made me cry...how horrilby disgusting

I am doing much better today, although I can tell that I still have a little aftermath from the dream. The hardest part about it is I ABSOLUTELY DO NOT have dreams like that. Ever. I am not sure why, I just don't, usually it's something stupid or with dh, but never a child, MY child...ugh

Anyways, I am SOOOO ready for the long weekend next weekend!! Labor Day here we come!! We are planning on a relaxing weekend, we want to start on the baby's armoire for thier room....hopefully we can get a lot of it done. We have been waiting for it to stop being so gosh darned hot here....it's been over 100 degrees every day for almost two months I think my house is melting away!!!

Okay, must go back to work..
Natalie