[Honesty76]

I was married at 20 yrs old and both dh and I knew we would not be conceiving any biological children due to a back surgery I had when I was 13 yrs. Several of my bottom vertebrae and my hips were fused making it virtually impossible for my body to shift and make room for a baby to carry much less deliver. We both knew going into the marriage that we wanted to adopt.

We researched agencies and types of adoptions, etc. for about 5 years. When we finally decided on an agency we went to orientation. It was exactly 7 weeks from the day of orientation until the day our first son was brought home (he was 3 weeks old but in foster care because we had to wait for our homestudy to be rushed through). We were amazed after hearing about horror stories of long waits.

We waited two years and again applied to adopt. It wasn't long before we were matched with a little boy out of the state foster care system. He happens to be only 24 days younger than our other son so almost like twins.

Six months to the day of placement of our second son we received a call at 4:07 p.m. out of the blue about a little baby boy already born. We talked about it and called our SW back and said we wanted to pursue the adoption. By 7:45 p.m that same night we were leaving the foster care home with our new son. We were shocked and reality didn't set in for a coule days I think.

Almost a year and half later we were again approached about another baby boy- age 7 months. We really wanted a baby girl this time but we felt that this baby boy was part of a plan for us and he has been a perfect match! We wouldn't change a thing.

All along we had hoped for a girl and were blessed with these bouncing bundles of BLUE. We love our boys but we also know that we will just never feel complete without a little princess to add to our family. We have been through a few failed matches with baby girls and were just about to give up on the whole idea of putting ourselves through the ups and down of the adoption waiting game when I came HERE.

I lurked around in here for awhile reading posts when I came across this particular thread. This was about a month and a half ago. I finally posted one day just to say hi and tell everyone our abbreviated story. I received a PM about a couple agencies and after checking into the one we were matched with a little girl. I was very guarded against letting my hopes get too high as we have been let down before. I am elated to tell you that we are leaving in three days for New York to pick up our DAUGHTER!! We have talked to birthmom on the phone for several hours and she is solid in her decision. We cannot wait to hold our angel!

So that is our story and I am happy to have stumbled across this thread. You are an amazing group of people and I would love to continue to come back and rejoice with each of you as you too are matched with your precious little ones. I love the support you provide for each other and even more so.... you just understand. And who knows... you may just find someone in here that may have some sort of connection or suggestion that may lead to that match (Thanks Missw005!!!!!!!! ) It is like a family of friends in here and I am honored to be a part of it.

OK I know this was long but I am having a hard time sleeping (anxious, nervous, excited, etc.) and I apologize but I love to share our story and hope that it helps some of you to keep your faith- you just never know how or when your perfect match will come along but I can assure you- you will KNOW it is right and perfect when it does. Best of luck to you and thanks for your support.

~Leslie

[Leigh131313]

Oh Andrea.

I feel just awful for what you are going through. I hope you can find the strength to get through this.



Welcome to all our new friends!! As you can see, I'm up way too late..long story, I'll share tomorrow.... I'll join in on the history session tomorrow as well..lol

Hugs to all

[CanMomEh]

I’m not seeing any reply to my question about DH not being supportive. Am I alone in this or is it something we don’t speak about?
DH has agreed to go through the training and home study but says he will not change his mind about children. But he’s been changing his story since day one. I have never changed my mind. I want to be a mom and I don’t care if I don’t get to have or give birth to a baby, just want to be a mom. He originally said let’s wait until I’m 25, then it was lets try FT (that didn’t go far after the 2nd test on him he was insulted and did not want any thing to do with that again), then he let me join the waiting list to adopt (pre home study) and then last year he decided that he really did not want a baby and so I accepted the compromise of older child. Now he “hates all children” but then his actions show a different story.
I love him so much and he loves me. Currently his “strategy” is that I don’t care about his feelings and I am only caring about my feelings. Considering that I could probably have children with IVF, I did not pursue it because he didn’t want me to. Fine I accepted that and have accepted possibly never getting a baby or a child any where close to baby. That’s a big compromise on my part. Surely I have been putting his feelings right next to mine.
This – more than anything makes me go nuts. And makes me feel totally alone.

[Vogi2002]

CanMOM-
I have to admit that my dh is not really that way, although at first he wasn't sure he wanted to adopt (went through 4 years of fertility treatments, and much of that was issues on his side, so he was still grieving). I absolutely DID NOT want to adopt if his heart was not in it 1000% (although I did tell him that I DID want children..). I told him that we would stop with all the fertility stuff (was done anyways) and wouldn't plan on children at ALL until HE was ready. We took about 4 -5 months of focusing on US, bought a boat, went out every weekend to the lake, really just took time as a couple. And although it was hard to bring myself to do it, I was really glad because in that time I realized how much I really needed it too. Our heads got cleared, we took a step back and refocused. About 5 months after we stopped it all, he came up to me and said he was ready to adopt. We took a while after that to decide which way to go (domestic, international, open, closed, private, attorney, facilitator, country, etc). He is 100% supportive now, although I do ALL of the work (plan dates, get things ready, fill out paperwork, etc). He is very "guarded" with his feelings so he doesn't get excited (although I can tell by little things he does that he is) and won't until we have a match.

I don't know if this made you feel any better but I would seriously have to take time to think if this is the right thing to do without his heart in it. Adoption is such hard work, emotionally especially, I couldn't imagine doing it on my own. Also, you have to pass a homestudy that your dh will be a part of, and believe me, it will come out that his heart is not in it, and they will be VERY concerned. My suggestion is to give him space, take a step back, let HIM be the one to decide to persue it. Now, if he decides to not adopt at all, well then you would have to have a VERY serious talk and decide what is right for you. Personally, I don't think I could stay with my dh if he "all of a sudden" didn't want children, that's not really fair to you, who made it clear that you did!

I don't mean to be a downer, and in the end, you must decide what is right for your family...I just know that, in all honesty, I WOULD NOT move forward with adoption without dh's support....I would wait until he was supportive (and believe me I know how hard that is)...



Good luck and welcome!!

Natalie

[Fran27]

I agree with Natalie, especially as my agency would not work unless both were 100% on board anyway. Honestly though, no matter how much I love my dh, I would never have accepted not to have children - but again he knew from the start that I wanted children. My dh took a while to be comfortable with adoption, but taking him to an agency meeting helped. Have you tried councelling? There might be other reasons why he's afraid of adopting... Also, just IMO, but if it doesn't look like he will bond easily, older child adoption is probably not the solution.

Andrea, my heart breaks for you... I totally understand not wanting to know when we are shown. It's so hard to be dependent on someone's choice, and to have to compete with all those people with those fancy houses and boats that go to the beach or other vacations every year... I know I'm being shown today (although they usually don't tell me), but I'm sure we won't be picked anyway... but still obsessing, so I wish I hadn't known. I really hope your child will come to you soon.

[tjb52]

Well I thought I would share my story! My DH and I were married for 3 years when I gave birth to our little boy. We had always planned on having 2-3 kids and wanted to have another when E was between 2 and 3 years old. Well about 2 months before E turned 2 I started to get really sick, after months of testing and trying different medications I was diagnosed with Crohn's disease. Although it was a rough 6-8 months that was over 3 years ago and I am now happy and healthy and never really even think about my condition. I have to have an IV infusion every 8 weeks to keep things under control but since I started doing that life has been good. I tried for months to convinve my doctors to let me stop taking the medication so I could get pregnant. about a year and a half ago they finally agreed. unfortunately after abour 9 weeks without medication I was once again very ill. So after I dealt with the fact that I would not ever be able to become pregnant again unless there was some kind of medical breakthrough with Crohn's disease. I knew that adoption was the way I wanted to go. My DH on the other hand needed some more time to come around - much like Natalie I made it clear that this was something I really wanted but not unless he was on board 100%. I left it alone for 6 months (this almost killed me) and to my surprise my DH came to me and asked when we could start the process. Since we made our decision to persue a domestic newborn adoption it is almost like DH is a new person, completely on board and excited (although still much more reserved than me) We picked an agency and mailed in an application and are now trying our best to be patient as we wait!

CanMom - I agree that it is important that you and your DH be on the same page. I know everyone is different but it really worked for me to just leave things alone and let DH make his own decision. I know how hard this is- but sometimes they just need some time to think it through without the pressure.

[CanMomEh]

Natalie, Fran and Kelly,

Thank you for your input. I think I will tell him next time I see him. Let him know that We go through training and then we will wait until he is ready. I hope that will put the argument to rest for now. Did you guys have "discussions" about it much before you said that you would wait until he was ready? or did you just say "yes lets wait until you are ready"?

[Vogi2002]

Oh my gosh, we had so many discussions it would make your head spin!!! I could tell, he would say little things that made me think he wasn't ready, he would be very resistant...then I came to the conclusion that, as hard as it was for me (and it was HARD) that he wasn't ready and I was going to have to accept that (which he admitted and said too, but I thought I could "push him" gently into it...well that was NOT the case....and from what i've heard it never is...). He was instantly calmed when I told him we would wait (seemed like we were fighting ALL the time at that point because we were both "bitter" at each other about it). He made rules (absolutely NO talking about adoption, babies, or getting pg) and I stuck by them (HARD to do). We spent money, went on vacation, had a ball. I just told him to know that, while I was giving him time, I would not wait forever and that I DID want children. 6 months later, we were exploring adoption. I think the real key is to completely let it be, let him feel like it is completely off his shoulders...then he will realize how bad HE really wanted it....but he may not, but at least you will KNOW. Again, I still am doing most the work, and more "outwardly" excited but he is excited too....but he is very reserved with these kinds of things so not as obvious.

Honestly, my dh would not consider older child adoption or foster one bit. Not because of the "babie" but because of all the legal risks and heartache. He just couldn't do it...

Hope this helps!!

Natalie

[CanMomEh]

DH's niece (17yr old) gave birth to little girl Sept 2005 (oops), taken by CAS up north (5 hour drive), we submit plan and promissed by SW to be chosen, changed SW (3 times), DH-Sister moves up north to care for little girl.

Little girl now showing traits of institutionalized child.

Have to leave that situation alone let SW figure it out for them selves and focus on Me and DH.
DH recently told me that it broke his heart - but he just tries to hide his emotions and just wants me to move on like he does. Men are from mars indeed.

[Fran27]

Well, before we started IVF I told him that I would want to adopt if it didn't work. We pretty much agreed, although of course he wasn't ready at the time. I kept reading stories on forums and talking to him about it. Then I started researching agencies before our last FET. I found out my agency had a meeting, and I asked him if he could go, he said ok. There was a couple and their adopted daughter, and it helped him realizing that there wasn't much of a difference between biological and adopted children. Then when our FET failed he was on board.

In your case, my guess is that he's just really scared. Can't blame him after what you've been through Did you consider adoption before it happened? It's just a really bad first impression if you were not.

[CanMomEh]

Thank you Natalie.
It's nice to not be the first and only person going through this. Up until I got the call for training I was doing all I could to focus on Our relationship and doing things together but once I got the call it was like seeing 2 lines on the pee stick. And I was soo excited.
I just got an email from the ACC (adoption council of canada) apparently there are not alot of children waiting in our area so it is quite possible to do the training and then wait - for some time before a match is made/proposed.

[CanMomEh]

Fran,
We were waiting for adoption homestudy for 2 years before little girl stole our hearts. We drove up to see her with DH sister 5 days after her birth, we had no idea his sister was going to move up there to take her. We discussed our plans with her - Big Mistake - He had decided he was not keen on Babies at the adoption annual meeting in May 2005 - they pushed open adoption DH does not like it at all - does not want to share with birth family -
We have photos of us holding her when she was only 5 days old. very precious. right now - at least she is with family - but if she became crown ward i would really like to be completed home study and become #1 on that list.

[Leigh131313]

OK!! SO, why the heck was I up so darn late last night? Like way past 3am??


So...My girlfriend called me last night to tell me about something that happened to her boyfriend. They had been out all afternoon, so he dropped her off at home and he went back to his place to have a quick shower. Well, he was gone maybe five minutes when her phone rings....it's her boyfriend and he tells her to get over RIGHT away.

Well, it turns out he came home to someone (an intruder) breaking into his house. The guy had gone in the bathroom window, and was still there when the boyfriend got home. He saw one guy run off, but wasn't sure if anyone else was still there.

When my friend arrived, the house was surrounded by police (guns and tazers in hand ) doing the whole, "We have the place surrounded" yell.

So, after talking to the neighbors....it turns out both of his neighbors had some weird looking (grungy and grimey) ring their doorbell that day. When they answered, he asked if John was there (and of course no one lived there by that name at either house).

SO, the figure he was just checking to see if anyone washome.


SOOOOO fast forward to last night, 12:30am....MY DOORBELL RINGS!!!! I am home alone (dh works nights) with M. SO, i pick up the phone (ready to dial 911) and start turning the upstairs lights on....but not wanting to show that I'm just a short little nothing of a person.....Thoughts of someone breaking in and hurting M (thank you SO much for all the fricken JonBenet Ramsey stories these days) start running through my head. My heart was absolutely pounding ( I was already having one of those "anxious" types of days...this didn't help) and I could NOT go to sleep.

The thing is...it was our BACK door doorbell. You have to go into our fenced backyard and climb up our deck stairs to get to that door. Lately that doorbell has been a bit wonky (ringing when you close the door)....So, it could have been nothing...

But, at almost 1am...it's hard to just say...Oh, it's nothing.


GAH!!

anyhoo...I'm better today!!

So, as for OUR story...

We were married a few years when we started ttc. Even before we were married we talked about adoption. I wanted to make sure dh-to-be knew how important having children was to me. That I could not live a life that did not involve children and if I couldn't conceive them, I'd definitey want to adopt.

So, I talked to my doctor when we started (always had an irregular cycle, so i was a tad concerned) and we decided to leave things for 6 months, then see a gynecologist. It pretty much took that long to get the referrel appt. anyway . Anyway...so..we did clomid and kept increasing the dosage because it wasn't working....Then I had to go to a specialist...and again increased clomid and added Metphormin (sp??). Which made me sooooooo sick. I was dizzy all the time (cuz of the low blood sugar caused by the Met.) and did not feel well. However, it did work...and I was pregnant the first month. And then miscarried shortly after.

Well, we rode it out a few more months, but our hearts (especially mine) were not in it anymore. We decided to look into adoption.....and things went along pretty good from there. Got signed up....did the classes....handed in all the papework...yada yada yada.

Then, the wait began. In three months we were matched with a pbmom who was due almost 5 months later. I fondly refer to this time period as FIVE MONTHS OF HELL. Gah!! The social workers were HORRIBLE, they said insulting things about the pbmom....they weren't there...and were incredibly inconsistant. It was absolutely horrible. And when we got the call that she decided to parent...i was just SO relieved to be done with it all, I didn't really hurt that bad.

A month later we were matched again. This pbmom was almost due (due in like 2 weeks when we met her) and the family that she lived with (her grandpa and his girlfriend) didn't even KNOW she was pregnant. She hadn't told them. She was worried they'd want the baby, and since they didn't accept her (due to being half black) she didn't want to leave her child with them.

SOOO...she told them...and of course they wanted the baby (girlfrien significantly younger than grandpa, couldn't have kids) and she didn't want to place with them...She contemplated keeping the baby, and we asked to be removed from the situation. We couldn't stand the thought of a battle, when we knew it would be an open adoption.

By now it was time to renew our homestudy. Out of the whole year, we were only active for less than six months, and matched up the rest of the time.

Then we waited another year with NOTHING. A few weird calls now and again...but really nothing. Then it was time to renew again, and we decided not to. It had gotten too hard to keep our lives on hold, and too heartbreaking.

I went back to school....We went on trips...spent money...had a good time.

Then another year past.....during that year we got a call from the agency about a pbmom. She was HIV positive, had hep B and C, did crack cocaine and heroine...was currently on Methadone, and the baby would be addicted to drugs .

We had listed NO SPECIAL NEEDS on our child desired form. We said only MINIMUM drinking....

We couldn't believe they had called us about this. We researched, and came to the conclusion we just could not offer this child the support he/she would need. We felt incredibly guilty and felt like we were maybe going against God's will.

The agency called about an adoption "fare" where you could go to MEET older children who neededhomes...I was SOOO angry at this. We were very clear that we were not interested in older child adoption. I was SOOO angry at this. It was like they decided that they just wanted to get us out of their "still waiting" statistics, no matter what, even if that meant placing us with a child that we CLEARLY were not prepared for.


I stopped accepting calls from the agency at this point. Every interaction HAD to go through DH. When they called to talk to me, I'd say I'm sorry you'll have to talk to DH, and I wouldn't give them the time of day.

Again, we passed on updating our file when the time came.

I was finishing up school...It was a Monday night, and my final was the next morning. Our social worker called to ask if we really wanted to call it quits. We said yes definitely...we were starting a new phase (me with my new spiffy job that i was starting the next week) and starting to think about international adoption. While we were talking to her our other line beeped, but we ignored it, cuz we were talking to our social worker.

When we checked our messages it was another SW at the agency, and she asked us to call her in the morning. HUH??

Anyhoo...I went into school...nervous about why she was calling...nervous about my exam. The MINUTE I finiished my exam, my cell phone rang. It was dh, he had talked to the sw and there was a pbmom who wanted to meet us that friday. She was due in three weeks.

Now, since I was finishing school that thursday morning, DH took friday off to go to Calgary to go shopping with me for new clothes (for above mentioned spiffy new job). He already had the day off, it was the only day that she could meet us (she wantedhermom there and she worked shift work).

SO, we toodled off to their city.(the same city our first match was in btw)..thinking there is NO WAY this will work out (cuz adoptions don't work). We met them all...we hit it off. We stayed and met her extended family...and while we were chatting, I talked to her about if it turns out that she should change her mind and decide to parent, that we would be fine. I told her that we had been through this before and the hardest part was not being able to talk to the pbmom and tell her that we wished her well.

Well when I said this, her sister was there, and I happened to say the first name of the pbmom....She looked at me and said the pbmom's last name..I was SHOCKED!! Turns out she knew her, she had actually looked through some profiles with her.

She then went on to say how the baby (would have been OUR baby) had severe F.A.S. and was not doing well...that the pbmom had gotten off drugs (DRUGS?? HUH???) and was doing well, and trying to get her first child backfrom foster care (had lost her sometime after our match fell through)

I was completely stunned.

DH and I have both worked with F.A.S. individuals and we both knew TOO well that we could not parent a child with this condition. We stated it VERY clearly on our forms.

I was saddened....horrified....shocked....and relieved to hear something, ANYTHING about this girl that I had spent fivemonths getting to know.


We left and I said to dh, even if this doesnt work out...it was worth it to know what happened.



Well, I went into my new job ...wondering how i was going to tell them that i MAY be having a baby in three weeks....or I might not. ANd how do you tell them that if you DON"T have that baby, that they don't need to worry about you just leaving...cuz it's just a fluke that this possibility even came up (not being active and all) and what employer (who doesn't really know you yet) would just say, ok..and not tell you to take a hike!

Well, my new boss was just that kinda person. She told me that she was adopted, and that this was meant to be. She said that no matter what, I would have a job if i wanted it. She told me I could wait and see what happened, I didn't have to start work until after. She was AMAZING.

I cried.



Then I told the hr person at my job (had the same position for 9 years) she was THRILLED for me, and told me not to worry...just keep her informed and she'd make sure my shifts were looked after.


Three weeks later, M was born on my dh's birthday.


And the rest is history!!



And now, we are just signing up for #2. This time my expectations are so low, I think It'll be easier.


But then, we'll see how i feel in a couple months...




WHEEW that was LOOOOOOOONG!!

[Lovebug]

Our story:

We met in June of 1994 and became instant friends. In August of 1996, we realized that we were more that "just" friends...we were in love! Lol. So we started dating. We also talked about adoption veery early on, as I have PCOS. Well, we married in 1999 and immediately started trying. Nothing. I went on clomid and metformin and DH had an SA done. The news: he was very very very bad. So here we were, a young couple, placed with infertility from both of us. We did a lot of research and saw and RE. Went through testing some more and decided she wasn't the doc for us. We went to another doc. He recommended IVF with ICSI. We thought for sure we'd have a baby. So we did that whole thing, it failed. We did some soul searching and all the while had talked about adoption. We made an instant decision in late Dec 2002 to start researching adoption. In June of 2003, we had begun our HS, by late September we signed with an agency. We then experienced what we though was worse than anything else ever in the world...our failed placement. It was so horrific! Baby was born already, pbmom had picked us, we were all set to fly, tickets in hand, she changed her mind. We waited again and prayed that we would have a baby. Well, He answered our prayers very quickly. Right before Christmas 2003, we were rematched with a wonderful girl L. She was due in early Feb. We got to know her through conference calls. And in late Jan 2004, got the call that L was in labor!!!! We flew out to UT and our DS was placed in our arms by his beautiful birthmother. And the rest is history!

We are now waiting 2.5 mos for baby number 2. We are whirling with anticipation as you can imagine! And I just am so excited to be among you all...you understand!



--Renee

[NurseNikki]

Okay, I have to get in on the story telling. Although, reading to catch up, looks like Lovebug already told my story, except that they are on baby #2, and we are hoping for baby #1. We started trying about a year after we were married, and after two years of nothing, saw a specialist. PCOS sucks, and dh's SA was not good at all either, but we were convinced we had to try IVF (w/ ICSI) otherwise we would always wonder. Well we did, June 2005. I was "chemically pregnant" until July 2005, and the RE's office doesn't actually consider that true pregnancy, so I didn't have a miscarriage, I had a failed IVF. WHATEVER!!! Tell that to my heart!

We then took three months off, not thinking about it, working on projects together etc. In October we decided on our agency, started classes in December 2005, homestudy complete in May 2005. In July, we got a call from a friend about a situation she knew about, and "matched" with pbmom. After referring her to our agency, we are waiting for October to see if she decides we will be parents.

Now, don't take that last statement the wrong way. I am not being cynical, I just really feel she has to decide that. We haven't heard from her since August 1st, and as many of you know, I had a hard time with that last week. I am better now, but still wishing to hear from her, just to find out how she is doing. SW I talked to yesterday was wonderful, but did say it wasn't uncommon for pbmom to "disappear" until birth, as she knows who to call, and she may just need her space.

CanMom - I have to say, I agree with the others, maybe a break for a while? I know dh was not ready when I was, but we made a pact not to bring it up for a while, and that seemed to help. In addition, when he was ready, like Natalie said, he is very introverted with his emotions, trying not to show he is excited, as he thinks he is protecting me from getting excited.

Leigh, OMG, I would have been freaked out, too! Especially now, I have no dog to alert me, or sound ferocious! So sorry it was such a long night for you, but glad you are better today!