[BlessedBe]

So, we're in an open adoption with DS's bmom, C. She is a part of our family now, and we're now a part of hers. That's how we see it. Every day I look into her eyes when DS wakes up and he looks into my face with his beautiful smile. I love C. With all my heart and soul - an unconditional kind of love. And I consider her a part of our daily lives.

And the thing that I didn't expect from other people is how they react when I talk about her. My closest family and friends are super and even ask about her regularly. However, some friends and family look at me as if I'm they feel sorry for me when I mention her. It's as if we don't mention her then I can pretend that I didn't experience 11 years of infertility and I can pretend like I gave birth to DS myself.

I don't know if they think that by not talking about her that I'll forget we adopted DS or if we don't mention how he has her eyes that we won't think of her every time we look into them or if it's just that they don't know what to say. I know open adoption is quite new for some, but it seems most people would take my lead as far as bringing her up in conversation.

I'm not upset by it. Actually, I'm a bit amused and when I bring her up in regular conversation with some - I scan their faces for their reaction. And I don't talk about her all the time - just whenever we're in conversation and doing so lends to whatever the topic is.

Just let me say I'm not being paranoid. Just observant. Trying to pick up on the vibes people give out and heading off ignorant remarks and educating everyone that I can before DS starts picking up on those vibes himself. I know I can't protect him from every adoption-ignorant person in his life - but, I can do my part to dispel the myths and educated the misinformed. I mean how could I not love this woman so much who chose us to parent her child???

And just the other day, since we're not yet finalized, my BIL wanted to know if what happened on Desperate Housewives could happen to us.

So, I didn't really have any specific purpose in posting this except to get all this off my chest and let all of you other adoptive moms and potential adoptive moms out there know that if you're experiencing or will experience this that you're not alone.

[StorkWatcher]

Originally Posted by BlessedBe

I'm not upset by it. Actually, I'm a bit amused and when I bring her up in regular conversation with some - I scan their faces for their reaction. And I don't talk about her all the time - just whenever we're in conversation and doing so lends to whatever the topic is.

Ooohhh - I know what you mean! At this point, I've only been able to send letters/photos to our son's bmom, so we're not close, but I do always like to tell people about our semi-open arrangement. I do want to talk about her, and it's funny to watch people's reactions when I bring her up. But I do so in order to educate and be sure people know we think she is an important part of our son and how our family was created. When people ask where our son gets his eye color or what color do we think his hair will be (usually, as they're looking at both of us trying to figure out which one he looks most like), I say his bmom has my hubby's eye color, my hair color and is my size, his bdad has my eye color but is my hubby's size and has his hair color, but my glasses and that we're just not sure who he'll grow up to look like, but I bet it's a combination of all of us, as people will probably see our personalities in him, too!

The day I found out our bmom was getting and enjoying the letters we were sending, I was overjoyed and called my family. While my closest sister (who is in social work) was very happy for me and seemed to understand, my mom didn't say much. My mom's experience with adoptions is mostly with family members who have closed adoptions, typical of the time when they were placed. My sister is learning along with me and has other friends who have adopted/are adopting and also studied it in school, so she's a little more in tune with open situations.

As for everyone else, they're getting educated whenever they ask a question, whether they want to or not!

[HBV]

We get that, too. Recently there was a photo in the newspaper of me, our bmom and our son, w/ an accompanying story about adoption and the trend toward open adoption. I've had many friends call or e-mail to say "Nice article" or whatever, but I had one that surprised me this morning. A friend e-mailed to say "nice article" but went on to say that she could never do what we are doing (meaning an open relationship.)

I don't think it's anything to get upset about (not that I see that w/ this thread.) I just think that it's hard for people to imagine this kind of relationship in the abstract---it's too personal to the people involved. It's not until you apply the concept of an open relationship to your actual birthparents that you can really see how it is going to work for you.

[gottahavehope]

I have the faint beginnings of understanding with this issue.

My dh and I are matched with a wonderful woman. I have grown to love her with all my heart. She is a huge part of my life and I consider her my family. I actually can't imagine my life without her in it.

Anyway, no one in my family or my dh's family wants us to stay in contact with her if she decides to place or if she doesn't for that matter. They are so afraid and negative towards openness. I, on the other hand, would like her to be in my life regardless of what happens.

I am trying to respect my family's feelings but it is difficult. I want her to feel comfortable coming to visit anytime. I want her to feel loved and respected by them as well. They have a great deal of respect for her now and love to hear stories about her and have even sent her some cards and tried to get to know her, but they seem to think that once the baby is placed all that should end.

It is so frustrating. I know they are acting from a fear-based perspective, so how do I make them see how wonderful it could be for everyone involved if we cultivate and nuture a sense of extended family?

I want them to acknowledge that if we get to adopt this baby boy, she will be his first mother. That is not something to be feared, but something to be celebrated.

I'm hoping they come around in time. Anyone have family like mine-scared, negative about openness. If so, did they eventually come around? I hope so.

Peace,
k

[KristineM]

We get this reaction all of the time too. At this point in time it is from my mom. She would rather I never mention or have anything to do with our daughters birthmom... Like I can forget that Kylie is adopted and I should just pretend that she was somehow an immaculate conception... yeah, right. I get so frustrated at her because she would rather I block her birthmom out forever - and there is no way I will every do that!!!

[KristineM]

My story starts when I was 14 years old and had to undergo a hysterectomy due to a medical conditon... So I knew from an early age that I would never be able to have children... I knew I had to find a man that would accept me for me and the fact that I would never bear his child. I found just that man. We researched international vs. domestic adoption and chose an open domestic adoption. The reason we chose that is because my Grandfather was adopted, and of course it was a closed adoption. He never searched for his birthfamily, but I always knew that I did not want my child to have to wonder just who his or her birthparents were/are. I wanted him or her to know why they were adopted and that they are loved by many people who just want the best for them.

SO what is your story?

[pita88]

I read this thread and had similar reactions this weekend over Mothers Day. My MIL was visiting and I happened to say that we received a care package from our 5 wk old DS's birthmother. I was quite excited about the package and thought it was so sweet how much she love she put into it. It was our first contact from her since the hospital & she wrote a nice letter to him explaining why she had to put him up for adoption and her thoughts and feelings of love for him. She included pictures of their time together in the hospital as well. It was very touching and I am sure it will answer many questions down the road for him. My MIL's only comments were negative (not liking the fact she named our DS and refers to him in her letter by that name & not liking that she signed her name, Mom at the end of the letter). My MIL assumed the package made me have feelings of regret that we have a semi-open relationship & was very concerned how she knew our address (which she doesn't- it comes from our attorney).

I then had mentioned to my MIL that I sent DS's birthmother a nice Mothers Day care package in return filled with pictures and a letter updating her on him. Her comment was "I don't think it was a good idea mentioning anything about Mothers Day." I was stunned. She is a mother to her 10 years old son, plus she just gave birth to our DS 5 weeks ago. To me that makes her a mother and what better way to say thank you to her than to acknowledge that. I don't know if I have the desire or energy to defend our relationship with the birthmother to my MIL. A part of me is determined to educate her but my thoughts now are just to keep her out of the loop and not mention anything to her about it.

[HappyTwinsMom]

I'm also continually surprised by people's reaction to our openness with our girls' birthmom. Not upset, just surprised. The consistent reaction seems to be "how wonderful you are to stay in touch with her!" Yikes! Ah well, those teachable moments come along often so I keep trying to make inroads into the lack of awareness.

[mmdd2b]

Hi,
Just wanted to share that I get some wierd looks too. We are working towards our adoption with our DS who is 3mths last week. Our Bmom wanted her care pkg in May. So we sent in time for mother's day. Man, did I get a lot of looks, like you are a open agreement. Are you planning on seeing them, blah blah....

Fast forward, yes we are. I want our DS to know how much we love him by doing everything we can to help him know his identity when the time arrives.

K