[dramatica]

My husband and I are just starting the adoption process. I learned today that my grown son's girlfriend's sister is pregnant and wants to put the baby up for adoption. I suspect that my son will marry his girlfriend and our families will be inextricably linked. Does it seem weird to consider adopting the sister's baby? She's lovely, employed, educated, and we know the family, but I worry that it would become very complicated.
Does anyone have experience with this?

[NurseNikki]

My aunt adopted from a family known bmom when my cousin was born. It was another older cousin's friend (I have a very large extended family) who was young and not ready, and the older cousin and the bmom stayed friends for a long time. I don't know if they still are, but it didn't put any extra stress on the girls' friendship that I know of. I know this is a bit different story, but a tad similar. HTH!

[Leigh131313]

Has she asked you to adopt her baby?

[katlyn]

That's an interesting question, I just found my bdaughter after 20 years and found out that my best friends aunt adopted her. I don't know how his sister would feel about it, all I know is how I feel knowing now, and I think it would put a strain on things. But who knows.....some might handle it better than others. I would say it's something you need to discuss with her, that is if you want her to know. Not sure how it happened to me, my best friend has known all these years and never was able to tell me. I am glad my daughter is ok, but it does make things rather strange and it might make any family get togethers a little tense. Good luck in whatever you do.
My prayers are with you.

[ChristieS]

We adopted in a similar situation. When the adoption was contested and things got really nasty in the courts I was surprised that both families were able to - being inextricably entwined - still stay supportive and wanted what was best for everyone involved. Our adoption - 4 years later - is still in the courts but we have weathered it all amazingly well and remained close (no one 'sided up', etc). Even now in a small town with media attention in the beginning - and new media attention regarding new criminal charges in the family now - we are still able to remain close.

So, to make a long story short, yes it can be done - even in the worst-case scenario. BUT I am amazed that we have all done it so well when it had the definite potential for disaster. A small town, two entwined families, criminal charges, media attention, a nasty contested adoption, you can only imagine. So put yourself here in four years and then see if you think your family can weather the storm. If I could have foreseen all of this I would have done things differently. BUT - again, here we are and still intact.

Good luck to you - I wish you the best.

[dramatica]

Thank you for your replies. This situation is still very new and the sister is still very confused. She does not know of our plans for adoption, so it was just coincidental that she called me for advise, as she is new in town and I am a physician. So far, I haven't heard back from her, but as time passes, I'm sure she'll learn of our plans and perhaps consider us. I think it's a bad move, but my husband, who is the eternal optimist, does not see any problems. Of course, he's not threatened, as it's likely the birth father will have no say in this and will not likely be involved with the mother long term. But with birthmother and adoptive mother in the same family, there's great potential for trouble.

[SchmennaLeigh]

Originally Posted by dramatica

She's lovely, employed, educated, and we know the family, but I worry that it would become very complicated.
Does anyone have experience with this?

Then why aren't people encouraging this woman to parent?

[momofmykids]

Originally Posted by SchmennaLeigh

Then why aren't people encouraging this woman to parent?

Maybe she doesn't want to parent? Dramatica's decription of this emom sounds a lot like my friend who placed a couple years ago. She's highly intelligent, has a great job, is beautiful and really has her act together...she just wound up unexpectedly pregnant. She said from the second that she found out she was pregnant that she wanted to place the babe for adoption...she didn't want to be a mom...still doesn't! She says she may never have more children.

Remember, just because a woman is able to have children doesn't mean she wants to be a parent.

[SchmennaLeigh]

Originally Posted by momofmykids

Remember, just because a woman is able to have children doesn't mean she wants to be a parent.

Has she received counseling from a non-involved third party not associated with an adoption agency? You can be as defensive as you want. I don't find it appropriate for us to jump up and say that just because a woman is confused and scared about an unplanned (or the ever so popular term of "crisis") pregnancy that we should be saying, "CAN I ADOPT THIS WOMAN'S BABY."

Until she approaches you, let her be.

[BlessedBe]

Originally Posted by SchmennaLeigh

You can be as defensive as you want. I don't find it appropriate for us to jump up and say that just because a woman is confused and scared about an unplanned (or the ever so popular term of "crisis") pregnancy that we should be saying, "CAN I ADOPT THIS WOMAN'S BABY."

Until she approaches you, let her be.

The OP did state in her original post that this emom is considering placement. Therefore, it's not unreasonable for her to think they may be able to adopt this emom's child.

Dramatica is just working out her thoughts and feelings here with us about this potential situation. It's not like she's knocking down this woman's door and begging her to let her have her baby or anything.

[numbr1dbcksfan]

So far, I haven't heard back from her, but as time passes, I'm sure she'll learn of our plans and perhaps consider us. I think it's a bad move, but my husband, who is the eternal optimist, does not see any problems.

Well I think it is VERY presumptuous to think that just because she finds out you want to adopt, that she would consider you. (I know you said perhaps.)

I actually agree with you and think it is a bad idea. Not just because she is somewhat close to you..but because if she makes this decision and then regrets it... she is going to look back and who is going to be standing there with her child? I think the right thing to do in this case.. would be that if she DOES approach you (nothing should be said TO her, IMO) she should be referred to counselling and perhaps your agency later. She should not deal with you directly.. if she goes through parent profiles and chooses you, then GREAT... but calling you for advice and then you ending up with her baby... well that smells like coersion and in my opinion will look like it clear as day when she looks back.

Not everyone wants to be a mom... well that is true... but considering adoption and placing for adoption are two different things... she doesnt yet know the bond she will have with her child. So her choosing to parent in the end might also cause a rift. You dont want to put her in a position where she will feel guilty should she choose to parent her child at the last minute.

The best thing for you to do here is just act as her friend and help her find unbiased counselling to consider her options.

And as always, remember that the child's father also has a say in all of this.

[SchmennaLeigh]

Originally Posted by BlessedBe

The OP did state in her original post that this emom is considering placement. Therefore, it's not unreasonable for her to think they may be able to adopt this emom's child.

Considering adoption and signing the TPR are two totally different things.

[evildishrag]

Originally Posted by dramatica

Of course, he's not threatened, as it's likely the birth father will have no say in this and will not likely be involved with the mother long term.

Uh, dramatrica? I strongly suggest you stick to the facts. Right now, the facts are someone is pregnant and might consider adoption. That's it. That is all you know and it has nothing to do with you.

Step away from the sister.

[katlyn]

That's an interesting question, I just found my bdaughter after 20 years and found out that my best friends aunt adopted her. I don't know how his sister would feel about it, all I know is how I feel knowing now, and I think it would put a strain on things.[

The situation that I went through was a little different, I didn't know that my friends aunt was adopting my baby. Had I known, I would NOT have agreed to do it, because it would have put too much stress on both our families. As it was, my friend has had the burden of keeping her knowledge of my daughter a secret for 20yrs now. Feeling guilt for not telling me, thinking she couldn't tell me. It put a strain on our relationship from her side. I personally wouldn't recommend it, whatever might happen I wish only the best for all involved. The whole process is an emotional rollercoaster. God Bless.

[BlessedBe]

Originally Posted by SchmennaLeigh

Considering adoption and signing the TPR are two totally different things.

Please don't insult my intelligence. I am well aware that considering adoption and TPR are different. Four failed matches before DS taught me that.