[SchmennaLeigh]

Please don't make this a personal attack, thank you. Too many people jump on the "AWOMANSAIDADOPTIONOMG" bandwagon when a woman is simply considering her options.

[crick]

let's cool it a bit, ya'll.

This is always a heated topic, and right now it's just a information gathering topic for the OP. Let's not let our personal battles with others etc., get in the way. Offer the suggestions respectfully and remember too, that our perceptions of things may not really be true but just perceptions...

Thanks!
Crick

[numbr1dbcksfan]

Please don't insult my intelligence. I am well aware that considering adoption and TPR are different. Four failed matches before DS taught me that.

I think some clarification needed to be made.. because the OP did not say that the reasoning for considering adoption was because she did not want to be a mom..... I dont think anyone meant to insult your intelligence...

[ChristieS]

Sometimes bparents prefer to plan an adoption within the fanily, or with people they are close to because 1) They already know the aparents and know the kind of environment their child is likely to be raised in, and want their child to have that type of parenting and 2) for those who choose open adoption this allows the bparents more opportunity for visits, etc. - if they are comfortable with that.

The potential problems include hard feelings on either side if the adoption does not finalize - and this could involve the family - which would add an extra dimension of uncomfortability.

Coercion does not have to be a factor here at all - as long as the bparents are doing the seeking and asking the questions. I don't see any harm in letting the aparents know of your desires which would give them another option - but then perhaps it would be best left alone - up to them to call you.

Good luck!

[happygmom]

Dear dramatica,

I think that you are very wise to start asking questions and doing research now. And it is good that you balance your DH's optimism.

You asked if anyone has experience with this. Yes, I know of 2 cases of family adoption BUT I want to preface my comments by saying that both of the expectant mothers may have been younger than the expectant mother in your case (high school and college).

In one case I have a relative who adopted her granddaughter. She and her husband raised their adopted daughter until she was 12 years of age. During the 12 years, they worked with their daughter (bio mom) to establish a bond with her biological daughter. At 12 years of age the adoptive daughter ran away from home with her biological mother claiming that her adoptive parents had "stolen" her from her bio mother. They eventually worked out a visitation plan, but the child never lived with her adoptive parents again. Yes, they were her legal parents but they wanted to try to keep the vestiages of their family relationship intact so they did not press the legal issues.

In another case, a college aged woman relinquished her son to an aunt and uncle who had no other children. The agreement was that the biological mother was allowed contact as a cousin and that the child was not to know the biological relationship. Well, the biological mother eventually married the father of the child and things became very strained in the entire family. When the boy was about 10 years of age, the biological parents formed alliances with other sympatheric family members who then "blabbed" to the child about his biological parents. A huge family fight ensued and the "bad guys" were the adoptive aunt and uncle. The child is in his 20's and there are still family wars over his adoption.

So, your gut instinct is correct - family connections initially make the adoption process very smooth but it can get extremely complex and even ugly down the road. I suggest that you assess the entire family situation very carefully, especially how the expectant mother's and father's families feel about the adoption. They can make things very difficult for you. Ugh!

I am very concerned about your comment about the expectant father having no say in the adoption. Depending on where you live, he may very well have a say and block the adoption. I would also investigate that very carefully.

I agree with one poster that hard feelings can ensue if the adoption does not finalize, but as these two cases show, the real problems can lie futher down the road.

I hope that these experiences have not been too discouraging and are helpful to you to look realistically at the situation. I also hope that they will motivate you to to research family feelings thoroughly and to look at the long term outcome.

Good luck,

Happy G'Ma