[aprilfool.1982]

My girlfriend's brother was adopted. He has always been significantly emotionally handicapped since he was adopted at age one. Growing up he took various madications and in high school had to attend a "special school." He is a creative and intelligent person who loves his family and his handicaps are not at all obvious. He is now twenty-one years old and seems to have continuously improved. But he lives at home and is too afraid to get a job or go away to college. It seems to me that he is wasting these very important years not preparing for the future but sleeping all day and watching movies. If this was a 'normal' kid, the answer would be to say, "go to school" or "get a job and pay rent or get out of our house." Of course, he has problems which make this more difficult for him. In the past he has talked about suicide and showed disturbing behaviors.

Given how common it is for adopted children to have emotional problems, I would imagine many many parents have been through this before. There is never a one size fits all approach to finding help, but with a common situation I would hope there might be some basic guidelines about how to help such a person. His family is under great stress and would be thrilled to see him take a step in the right direction.

Could anyone recommend any reading material, resources, or advice that might be of help in this situation??

Thank you.

[Growing]

"Twenty Things Adopted Kids Wish Their Adoptive Parents Knew" by Sherrie Eldridge


"Coming Home to Self" by Nancy Verrier

"Journey of the Adopted Self" By Betty Jean Lifton

[sarahbunny]

I disagree completely with the statement "Given how common it is for adopted children to have emotional problems" - plenty of adopted children don't have emotional problems. I know I didn't and neither did any of my friends who are adopted.

I wonder why people tend to think we do?

[lucyjoy]

If he had a job, could he hang onto it? My friend hired a family friend as a job coach for her daughter and they helped her obtain a job. Once she had it, she could get it. I have a son who has no trouble getting a job, works wonderful and hard for about 6 weeks and then loses the job due to dumb things he chooses to do.

If he has an interest in college but is simply afraid, what about a community college class? Again, a friend of family member could take the first class with him so he gets comfortable.

A lot of this, even with emotionally disturbed individuals has to do with conquering the fear of the unknown. If the fear part is removed, many emotionally disturbed individuals can function well in the situation.

Letting him lay around the house and do nothing won't help. If he truely cannot work, then he should be doing something at home-helping with housework, yard work etc or even taking online courses toward something better for his life.

[nycfsa]

A relative of mine has issues similar to what you're describing. He didn't do too well at holding down jobs, but he did start taking some college classes when he was about 20 or 21. He just took a few at a time, and he just graduated this semester at age 26! As the previous poster mentioned, maybe your gf's brother could take a class at a community college. Maybe he'll find something interesting enough to motivate him to keep going.

[Cleoza]

"Emotionally handicapped" is usually a euphamism for some sort of mental illness for which there are a lot of resources. Although adoption itself may not cause or be the only reason for having major issues in life, it may exacerbate already existing issues of feeling different, loss, etc that the person may already be struggling with.

There are usually many local resources through the public mental health (mh) system. They can provide support to find a job and be able to maintain it, provide counseling support, provide instructions on how to access social security disability funds, help the individual get health insurance, give support to learn the skills and/or provide assisitance to to live independently or with some support, etc etc.

Contact your local govt. social services office to find out how to access the public mh system in your area (and state department of rehabilitation as well). Sometimes it helps to get outside support--the individual may be tired of hearing it from their parents & the parents may need to connect with other parents going through the same thing. It is nice also that they seem to have social support through friends like you.


BTW, I am a social worker...

Anyway, just my .02

[ChristieS]

I teach at a Community College where we have an EXCELLENT program to help students with such problems. They are gently guided and given everything they need to be able to take classes from developmental classes all the way through academic classes. Most CCs have Directors which closely work with this population. They can even have a special tutor in each class. It has been a wonderful experience for me as a teacher to watch some of these students and eventually help them graduate. CCs tend to be very open and nurturing.

Also, I have a brother like this. He is now 36 and still doing the same thing. Please - do not let that happen to this young man. There is a life out there for him which is productive - he needs encouragement and a hands-on environment, but there are many ways to help him.

Is he able to hold a job in which there is little stress or contact with othr people? We also have a job corp in this area which helps to connect individuals with appropriate jobs they can do.

You are so sweet to be thinking of him and wanting to help. Best of luck and prayers for both of you!

[DebCsMom]

I have to agree that just because he is adopted doesn't automatically mean that is the reason for his "emotional handicap". There could be other reasons he feels the way he does. My "first" thought was MAYBE Bipolar. Since you said he has suicidal thoughts, is depressed, can't hold a job, can't make decisions, etc. Our daughter has Early Onset Bipolar. She is 3 1/2 & yes she is adopted. But we didn't cause her to have Bipolar because she is adopted. She was born that way & we are making sure she gets the best treatment & care she can. Her Mental Illness had NOTHING to do with being adopted. I was offended by that statement that most adopted children have emotional issues.

I'm not trying to cause a ruckus.

Your friend needs to get treatment with a counselor. Try to find out why he feels the way he does. Get some medical advise prehaps. Even with a Mental illness, people can live "normal" productive lives. With the proper care & treatment, if needed, he can hold a job, go to school, move out.

Deb

[alwaysus]

Ummm, I know several adoptees and none of them have an emotional handicap because of it. Ya might want to rephrase that.
Yes, there are issues an adoptee may have to deal with regarding his or her adoption, the same way the rest of us that weren't adopted have issues related to our life experiences. Not that the OP did this, but it seems that a lot of people automatically blame the fact that so and so was adopted on whatever problems they are having at the time.
Kinda irritation.( again, Im not iritated at the OP, just society in general.)

[aprilfool.1982]

Thank you all for taking the time to help me.

I should reiterate that I did not say "all adopted children have emotional handicaps." I said that it is "common...for adopted children to have emotional problems." A greater proportion of adopted children do not receive appropriate care in their early stages of development. My girlfriend's brother was adopted past the age of one. During his first year of life he was not cared for adequately and this is what causes his emotional handicaps, not that he was adopted. The reason it is more "common for adopted children to have emotional problems" is not that they are adopted but that instances of neglecting the baby and pre-natal drug and alcohol abuse are more common. There are also many children who have emotional problems because they were neglected in their first year of life who are not adopted. The important question is not whether the child is adopted but how it was cared for in the womb and as a baby. I should also mention that my girlfriend also has two other adopted siblings who are perfectly well adjusted, healthy people.

Thanks again for the great advice!

[alwaysus]

Thanks for clarifying....I understand what you are saying....