[moonbeam23]

My little Tiana is only 3 weeks old, and already people are pushing my sensitivity buttons with ignorant comments. My MIL brought a friend to see her and she made the comment "How could someone give something like this away?" I said please don't say that in front of her, I don't want her to feel that she was given away." Then she said, "I know I couldn't , could you? So I said " Maybe if I were in a different situation and I felt it was the best thing for her, like her birthmother did. I had to be cool out of respect for MIL, and I athink I handled it ok, but I intend not to let these type of comments go. Anyhow, wanted to vent.

[Lovebug]

Hey Moonbeam,

First, congratulations! Second, I am so sorry you had to deal with that. I would talk to MIL about it. Let her know how you feel and how inappropriate it was for her friend to say that. Sometimes people are ignorant and need to be educated, kwim? I had a great aunt ask me after our son was born if "we were going to have one of our own"...I was infuriated and told her he is my own! My dad had a talk with her and she apologized, etc. But it isn't easy for sure.

{{{Hugs}}}

--Renee

[momofmykids]

Moonbeam,
Welcome to the world of adoption! Like Renee said, some people need to be educated. In my opinion, others need to be ignored or avoided. Do your best to educate them, and after that, politely tell them that you will not have your child exposed to that and then avoid them like the plague! You're the mommy and you have to do what is best for sweet baby Tiana.

[BlessedBe]

You handled MIL's comments so well!

I had prepped family and close friends for months and weeks before DS was born - using appropriate adoption language, dispelling adoption myths, and basically letting them know how much we love and care for bmom and most importantly, how much she loves and cares for DS.

However, my first encounter with someone outside our "circle" was at church when DS was about 8 weeks old. It was announced that we adopted DS during the service and people gave us congratulatory handshakes and remarks. Except one lady, she looked at DS and shook her head as she said, "Tsk, tsk, tsk. I don't see how any mo..." and I just cut her off before she could even finish. I explained to her that his birthmother loves him very much and that is why she chose us to parent him. But, what I wanted to say was much meaner than that. Hehe!

What I don't understand is what makes people think they can say those things to us? Oh well, it gives me a chance to continue educating people about adoption and luckily I'm getting to "practice" my responses now while DS is so little and hopefully by the time DS is old enough to understand, I'll be handling those comments with much more grace.

[ChristieS]

My response to this sort of ignorant response is that the brithmother did NOT "give up" her baby - she made a PLAN for her baby to have the best possible future and that it was very difficult for her to do so. Babies are NOT "given away" they make a plan for their child out of selfless love and sacrifice their own feelings for the sake of the birthchild. I am quick to react with "No, she made a plan for her child and put her love for her child first."

[karaleah]

Originally Posted by moonbeam23

My little Tiana is only 3 weeks old, and already people are pushing my sensitivity buttons with ignorant comments. My MIL brought a friend to see her and she made the comment "How could someone give something like this away?" I said please don't say that in front of her, I don't want her to feel that she was given away." Then she said, "I know I couldn't , could you? So I said " Maybe if I were in a different situation and I felt it was the best thing for her, like her birthmother did. I had to be cool out of respect for MIL, and I athink I handled it ok, but I intend not to let these type of comments go. Anyhow, wanted to vent.

I truly believe that most people mean well, it's just their words come out all wrong. I know I've been guilty of it, too.

A few months ago a relative commented that my 2 daughters (one adopted, one homegrown) "look like REAL sisters." The WHOLE family corrected her! She said, "I know, I know, I just meant they look like biological sisters." I wasn't upset, I knew what she meant. Sometimes our words don't match our intentions very well.

Is it possible when she said, "How could someone give something like this away?" she MEANT: "Your daughter is so wonderful, I can't imagine how difficult it must have been for her birthmother to place her for adoption."

People not connected to adoption don't necessarily know how to phrase things well, but they don't usually mean to offend, either. Maybe just take the opportunity to assume the best and gently educate her.

Try not to get defensive and let it get to you. It'll only stress you out. Sorry you have to deal with this

p.s.... congratulations on your baby girl! Tiana is such a pretty name

Shari

[Fran27]

I think it's mostly a lack of education too. Not really about terms, but about the reality that is that some birthparents really *have* to make adoption plans. I think that in essence 'giving away' and 'making an adoption plan' are just two ways of saying the same thing. My problem with the first way is that it excludes any notion of suffering and how hard it was for the birthparents to have to give their child to another couple.

I don't think that person meant anything else that what she said personally. I think that she just needs to learn more about birthmothers, and realize that most of the time, they don't have a choice when making adoption plans.

[moonbeam23]

Thanks everyone for your support and congratulations. I'm so happy these days that nothing gets me for too long anyway!

I know she didn't mean anything by it, and for the most part "gentle education" is what's needed in these situations.

Again, thanks for the support!

[JenHen]

What irritates me most are the 'nice' comments people make, that are actually just distinguishing your family as 'different', and the implication is different = not as valid. (Or maybe I'm too sensitive!)

Some that we've gotten:
Ignorant Person:
"Is this the adopted baby? How lovely!"

What I wish I'd said:
"This is our regular baby. She joined our family through adoption."

What I said:
"Thank you, we know how lucky we are!"

Ignorant Person:
"This must be the baby that's a special blessing"

What I wish I'd said:
"All babies are a blessing - do you know of one that isn't?

What I said:
"Thank you, we know how lucky we are!"

Ignorant Racist Person:
"How lucky that you could get a baby that looks so much like you! White babies are so hard to adopt"

What I wish I'd said:
"Please be quiet and don't spread your special brand of stupidity to anyone else."

What I said:
"We're very lucky to have our little girl, but we didn't care what color she was"

Ignorant Person:
"You're so lucky you didn't have to go through labor! I wish I'd adopted" (followed by knowing smile)

What I wish I'd said:
"We wouldn't trade her for anything, but you're right - years of painful infertility treatments, and the emotional rollercoaster of adoption are totally worth not going through labor!"

What I said:
"We're very lucky to have our little girl, we wouldn't trade her for anything."

Ignorant Person:
"You're so lucky the adoption is closed, you don't have to go messing with her (whispers) birthmother. Said with a comforting hand on my shoulder.

What I wish I'd said:
We choose domestic adoption because we wanted an open adoption. We're hopeful her birthmom will be open to future contact, and if not, we'll help her search when she's old enough.

What I said:
"Open adoption has a lot of benefits to it, it just didn't work out in this case."

I'm sure the list will grow.....

[Robsgal]

People do amaze me, they can be so thoughtless. I haven't adopted yet, but I'm already learning about the sort of things people will say.

I babysit my friends 10 month old son who is biracial. My husband and I are both caucasian. Last week we took him to a nursury to buy plants. A lady was talking to the baby saying how cute he is...then she said..."little baby, can I ask you a question? Who's your daddy?". Our jaws just dropped. I don't think to fast so I just said I'm babysitting him, but of course when I got into the car things started racing through my mind. In the next few years this could be our baby someone is saying these things to and our baby could be older than 10 months and understand it. I coudn't believe she looked at the baby and said that. I wish I was quick with words so I could have taken the opportunity to educate her.

Just something else for me to prepare for.

[blessedbybug]

It's a journey of what to confront and what not to, that is for sure. MOst people are well-intentioned ~ the back hand compliment so to speak ~ but in their in experience (I hate to say ignorance...that is such a hard word) they just don't think first. I ALWAYS speak to comments that involve the term "give away". Adoption is FAR from that... the first parents make a parenting plan that involves an adoption and you. Most people not involved or newly involved in an adoptive placement don't think of it that way. "Giving up for adoption" has been the term for so long... it does need to be changed. You handled it perfectly.

I have learned too, that many people are receptive to this kind of "education" if it is done gently. Hoping the best for you and congrats on your new babe!!!

[ajrl]

Man sometimes you just want to slap people.


My biological d is biracial. She has 2 birth marks. One above her eye she has a white albino stripe and her left knee she has a darker "Brown" spot. So she has always told people that this is her mom and points to her eye and this is her dad and points to her knee. And that she is a perfect blend of the two of us.

I know she is mine by birth but hopefully out Ason will have the same notion that he is of both of us. We are not going to be giving birth to him but we are his parents raising him as our own and as part of us.

As for people's comments we alljust have to start standing up for our children and say "Yes he/she is mine/ours and there is nothing else to discuss!!!"

AJ

[aspenhall]

My *MOM* (who usually knows better) once introduced me and DD to a friend. We have been waiting a long time to be parents and all our friends and neighbors have been waiting with us. My mom in her excitement at the new adoption of dd said "And you remember my daughter? this is her adopted daughter!" (I only have ONE child)

I smiled and said "Yep! I'm her (pointing to mom) vaginal daughter, and this is A (pointing to dd)." Then I had a talk with my mom about it.

I respond with vaginal as an adjective to describe myself/others, when adopted is used as an adjective to describe my dd.....And not to describe the event that made her part of our family.

"Oh, my is this your adopted dd?? She's beautiful"
"Yes, and that must be your Vaginal child! How sweet, by the way the adoption doesn't describe her, it was an event that happened."

BTW, my dd will say to strangers who slip..."HOW RUDE! I wasn't given away..I just have *2* families now!"

Because she *heard* someone once make that "why give away" statement.....and then asked me why she had been "given away". I explained that it's like getting married, you just ADD another family. You don't REPLACE one. I also said "give away" is a rude thing to say....it made her feel like GARBAGE that had been tossed out (her words) I gave her permission to tell people if she thinks they are being rude...and she does.