[taramayrn]

Yeah cheilu thanks, but frankly I would recommend you start a new thread to discuss your feelings - this isn't the time nor the thread to do so.

To the OP (((HUGS)))

[crick]

chielu...I believe it would be fruitless to come to a meeting of the minds simply because I can feel the distaste and disgust you seem to have for aparents simply because you call them adoptors...meaning baby stealers or whatever other definition you want to put in there. Guess I'm a glutton for punishment though...

Bottom line...I totally get that there are adoptees who feel as you do, or those who will feel strongly about wanting to search for their roots. I have no problem with that at all. I might have some insecurities or fears about that day when it happens, but if I do, they are mine...and mine to deal with. Doesn't mean I won't support my children when they decide they want to search. And it doesn't mean that I don't think they go through a grieving process over what was lost. I may be an aparent, but I'm not evil or without empathy, despite yours or any other anti adoption folk's beliefs.

And I do think when an adoptee tells me they don't want to search, they are telling me the truth. Because the ones I hear it from are on this site, other sites, heck, even my husband. I have no vested interest one way or the other if they decide to search or not, so I'll go ahead and believe what they as an INDIVIDUAL tell me. It's not for you or anyone else to tell them they are liars or in denial.

Just like I believe YOU when you say these things are important to you and have such contempt for aparents. I believe that 100%.

At any rate, no one said anything about adoptees not having losses or grief. It's not a competition or a contest to measure out grief. It's simply one person's grief at this time trying to sort it all out. One person's time of need. A person you felt the need to stomp all over in order to discuss how evil adoption is. That, is what I have an issue with, as do many on here.

[momofmykids]

Hmmm...I can add another "name" to my growing list...
mommy, wife, daughter, friend, ADOPTER...doesn't that word give you the warm fuzzies?

FYI, I know several grown adoptees who have chosen not to find "their people"...I'm not just talking about children here. And one last thing...this ADOPTER doesn't have "fears" or "insecurities"...I SAVED my children from the "system" and from a horrible life of abuse and neglect. Should I have left them there just to be with "their people"? And, when the time comes, this ADOPTER will help HER children find their birth families if that is what they choose to do (and yes, they are MY children...their birth certificate says so!)

To the original poster, I send you many and prayers.

[Oliver1]

Chielu -

Please don't EVER assume you speak for me as an adoptee. Your sarcastic and somewhat bitter voice is not in harmony with mine - AT ALL. And it never will be. I can't believe you have the balls to presume you could ever know how I feel - in the past, present or future. The utter arrogance of your words makes me want vomit.

I understand that not everyone feels like me. And definitely, not everyone feels like you. While I appreciate your viewpoint and your opinions, whatever validity they might possess shrinks away when you assume the "I speak for all" tone with your blanket statements that strike of ignorance - at least as it pertains to my personal situation.

To be frank, I find it completely freakin' annoying and intrusive.

To everyone else, I apologize that this thread got off topic, but I cannot sit here and read what I supposedly feel as an adoptee by some random, annonymous person who doesn't have a clue about me or my family. It's creepy.

[blessedbybug]

Originally Posted by crick

Chielu...I see your points. But...regardless of the fact that one wishes the best for the mom making a decision to raise her child, there is still a grief process of feeling that you were about to be a parent and it didn't happen.

It's a natural part of life to grieve...even for things not meant to happen. We do it all the time...a job we didn't get, a home we didn't own, a life we wished we had but don't. So if we grieve over "little" things such as these, obviously one would grieve for a child not meant to be theirs.

I think though...that your post is insensitive here on this thread. You've got valid points...because as you say, if a mom decides she can parent after all, that is indeed a good thing. Still though...do you really feel this is the right time or place to say that? Can one grieve a little without having all this shoved at her?

Lastly...I think it's a bit arrogant of you to state that "WE", meaning all adoptees feel a certain way. Why not just speak for yourself instead of making a blanket statement to include everyone else? Not every adoptee feels as you do..to be part of their flesh and blood or raised by "their" people.

JMO...

My thoughts exactly... regardless of what angle you see this from, the OP is hurting from the loss of a child she thought might be in her family. She must be allowed to grieve, just as we grieve for other situations that don't work out.

[blessedbybug]

Originally Posted by Oliver1

While my initial response to Chielu consisted of a two word response, one of which was a very naughty word, I thought it more productive to just share how I personally feel as an adoptee, to show how everyone has their own experience and own story to tell.

I am so thankful my birthparents placed me. I didn't "lose" a family. I was never lost. My God knew where I was meant to be from the moment I was just a twinkle in an eye. My family and I found each other; we claim each other and love each other. I am their own. There's not a doubt in my mind that I belong to them and they belong to me. Had they been forced to let me go, even after that first minute, their hearts would have broken into pieces. And there would have been no joy or celebration at the thought that my birthparent's would raise me instead of them. And I respect and understand that.

I have no "people". I have only family and friends and community. These people are "my people".

I wanted to be a parent not so I could pass on my blood and my ancestry. I am not so vain to feel my genes are so gosh-darn wonderful that they should continue on and spread throughout the world. My husband and I wanted to be parents, to love a child as we were loved and be loved in return. To grow and nurture a family. OUR family.

I understand very, very well the pain of loss. The pain of losing a child. The pain of losing in general. While everyone's losses are different, there is no sliding scale of whose pain is more. There's just pain. My birthmother's pain at "losing" me is not greater than my own pain of "losing" two babies through miscarriages. It may be different, but it is not greater or more meaningful. She does not get to wear her pain as a badge for sympathy and a sign of her courage. And neither do I. All we can do is get through it and try to move on as best we can, learning from the experiences and trying to keep faith.

While I am not the physical "flesh and blood" of my parents, I am most certainly the spiritual flesh and blood of my parents. My brown eyes came from my birthfather. My thick black hair came from my birthmother. That's wonderful. But what's even more lovely is that I know my empathy, inner strength, and sense of humor came from my dad. My passion, conviction, and quick temper came from my mom. Every worthy and important trait I possess I inherited from their love and wisdom, their discipline and faith, their strength and courage, their failures and successes, and their wonderful example of marriage and parenting. I can't imagine loving any parents more.

While my heart aches for adoptees who are confused, bitter, and desperately searching for roots, I am so thankful that I consider my own roots to have been planted and nurtured by my mom and dad from the day that I was placed in their arms. And you know what? My birthparents taught me courage and strength without having to speak a word. Sure, there is sadness and wonderings of "what might have been". But when one is blessed to be raised by kind and loving parents such as my own, "what might have been" always seems to pale in comparison to "what is". And yes, I feel sad for the tough choice my birthparents made. Yes, I empathize with their pain. But their pain is not my pain - nor should it be my parent's pain. I don't feel I need to take on the pain of their decision. That is their own to manage and live with. I respect it and acknowledge it, but it doesn't make me feel despair. Without their pain, I would not know my own joy.

I don't ever want anyone else to speak for me, as if adoptees all have only one voice. We have many voices. And mine is filled with joy and peace regarding my adoption.

Thank you...thank you... thank you... I do hope my DD is able to say this someday...

[pwheatle]

Chielu
At the risk of of being oh just a little bit forward....you really need to take your miserable attitude back to those who share your point of view and miserable outlook on life. You poor poor victim! My heart bleeds for you! Your only purpose on this thread is to insight. I realize I have the option not to read your posts which is one I will utilize however I first wanted to say this is no place for you even though the forums are open to all there is a place where it is more appropriate for you to wallow.

Tricia

[blessedbybug]

Originally Posted by chielu

Yes, some adoptees do not want to find their parents - I have met them and I have also talked to these same adoptees later on after they have searched and reunited.

Sure, some adoptees don't want to know from whom they receiived their eyes, nose, ears, mouth, the colour and texture of their hair, their body type, the way they walk, the sound of their voice, their talents, personality, temperament, likes and dislikes, their ethnicity, their ancestry, their medical background and so on.

Of course some adoptees are foverever grateful to their adopters for giving them a better life than the woman who "gave them away because she loved them so much" could have.

Ah, yes, the adoptee is not interested in hearing the story of how they came to be, how their mother felt them inside her womb, how easy or terrible the delivery was...

Silly me, how could I possibly think that adoptees would want anything other than what was chosen for them - adoption.

How can you remove a child from their people and think they will never want to understand and reconnect with their mother, father and roots? And the reason they won't is because you love them. How selfish and arrogant.

Don't think for a second that adopted children don't feel their adopters fears and insecurities. Don't think for a second that when an adoptee tells you they are not interested in finding their mother that this is true. Rejection is a terrifying feeling for the adoptee.

"Your remarks were very insensitive. When you lose a child, whether that child was yours by birth or adoption, no matter how long the child is with you, it is a painful process likening to a death."

Imagine how the adoptee feels - they've lost a mother, father, family, identity, ethnicity, culture and ancestry. Now that is something to grieve.

But really, is this the time and thread for this??? Really??? It really grieves me to hear the lack of empathy in your post, the "how dare someone feel their pain and sadness is as bad as mine" tone is just plain sad.

And since you brought all these issues up here, let me just say this... once again the over-generalizing that happens in situations like this just makes me sick. Not that there will be a listening ear to what I have to say by Chielu, but here goes... many of us spend 100s of hours "imagining" what our child might feel/think/etc/etc because they came into our families through adoption.

How can you assume that ALL those who choose adoption to build their families don't think about this? How can you assume that we aren't doing everything possible to help the child we are privileged to parent understand their roots, where they come from, how they came to be our children? My DD was not "given away" nor did we "take her from her people" ...her First Mother made a parenting plan that included adoption and us as parents to her child. It was her choice, her plan, her decision.

My DD did not "lose" her first family... they are still in our lives but at this time, they choose not to have the contact we so desperately want for the benefit of our DD. She will know all of her story, as much as I know to tell her.

SOrry I took this off-topic but so many assumptions I just couldn't let go...

[Fran27]

Wow I got to say I'm feeling sorry for Chielu for being so bitter about her life that she is insensitive enough to post such a thing in such a thread.

[kelceesmom]

I am so sorry for you loss. We too had brought home twins only to have the mom change her mind a week later. You are right. We might not have given birth to these precious little joys but our instincts as "mommies" kick in quickly. Please keep the faith. The right baby is out there for you. 6 months later we got our little joy and I knew this is what God had planned for us. We still talk about the twins and hope they are safe and happy but we have our meant to be baby. Cry, get angry, and let it all out. Grieving is a necessity. Our prayers are with you.

[RobertHafetz]

Originally Posted by xantii

we got back last night empty handed. after years of trying to have a family, we were finally there. she was born and I had a chance to hold her, kiss her, study her tiny hands, care for her and begin learning how to be a first mom. I didn't fall in love inmediately, but we were on our way. and then, just as suddenly as she came, she vanished. our greatest fear came reality, the birthparents changed their mind. there is a void in my chest, a hole in my heart. i had a feeling from the beginning that there was something wrong, but I listened to everyone who told me to be positive and have faith. I should had listened to myself...the little bit of faith I had left vanished as she did.

Im very sorry you have pain. Every adoptee has experienced the same pain and we even use the same words to describe it a void and a hole in my heart. Im sorry.

[chielu]

"Do not seek happiness on the limbs of others' pain"

Welcome to the world of adoption, and if anyone gave any real consideration the feelings of adoptees and mothers - they wouldn't adopt - they would do everything in their power to help child stay with their people. That's he way it's supposed to be.

End of story...

Ta-ta!

[ChristieS]

Originally Posted by xantii

we got back last night empty handed. after years of trying to have a family, we were finally there. she was born and I had a chance to hold her, kiss her, study her tiny hands, care for her and begin learning how to be a first mom. I didn't fall in love inmediately, but we were on our way. and then, just as suddenly as she came, she vanished. our greatest fear came reality, the birthparents changed their mind. there is a void in my chest, a hole in my heart. i had a feeling from the beginning that there was something wrong, but I listened to everyone who told me to be positive and have faith. I should had listened to myself...the little bit of faith I had left vanished as she did.

Getting back to the original post:

xantii, I am so very sorry for your pain. You can find your way through the pain and back to the faith. She will always have a part of your heart. Grieve, get angry, let yourself heal - a lot of us have done the same. A lot of us have lost faith and managed to get it back again - but it is a rough-traveled road. Know that my prayers are with you.

[crick]

[quote=chielu

End of story...

[/QUOTE]

Let's hope so!

[kjs_nvca]

I was thinking the very thing as I read her post. I am a birthmom and am grateful for two loving parents that were willing to put their hearts on the line for my daughter. I have no regrets in my decision other than I was not prepared to offer what I thought my child deserved at the time of her birth. There is a plan. As much as my heartstrings have pulled over the years; I still feel that my choice was guided. I look forward to the day I will meet the "sister" that raised my child as her own.