[joskids]

Please do not lose faith, even in this time of such pain. I have worked at an adoption agency and had more than one potential adoptive mother say they were going to "give up" and just weeks later were placed with their forever child. In the meantime, my thoughts and prayers are with you.

Josie

[udn2k]

I hope somewhere down the road, you'll find the strength to pick up and try again. This is an awful thing to go through, but nothing says you have to go through it twice. And even if you do, nothing says you won't one day hold your child in your arms.

You said you thought things might not work out. Would you mind sharing what led you to feel this? Not only might working through this help you regain some feelings of control in the process, but it may give you an added measure of power if you do decide to try again, because you'll have a better idea of what to look for, and how to prepare if the same issues arise again. Also, it can help all of us who still have the rest of this road to travel.

I'm deeply sorry, and wish you healing and light, and a sense of renewed hope.

[ManyTimesBlessed]

I'm so sorry for your loss. We lost our son-to-be (different situation, though) a few months ago. One thing that helped me at the time was to remember that he really was my child. You only knew this little one for a few hours, but he/she took a piece of your heart. Even though this baby is not going to be a part of your family, it is still okay to think of him/her as partly yours. You will always remember this baby and it is okay to let this baby have a place in your heart.

Once again, I am so sorry that you are having to go through this.

[HappyTwinsMom]

I'm so sorry for your loss. We lost the baby we thought would be our first daughter in Sept 2000...only hours after holding her, naming her, changing her diaper, counting her precious fingers and toes...and those first days are still a blur of pain and anguish.

Take care of yourself and allow yourself to grieve. Hugs to you.

[KristineM]

While I cannot understand what you are going thru, I can offer my thoughts and prayers.

[Linny]

We've gone through the loss of a child in our arms, only to have the entire situation fall apart in front of our eyes.
We've also lost older adopted children as well. Allow yourself to grieve; and as someone else wrote, it's okay to think that this child was a little bit yours anyway. In my own thinking, they all have been. A piece of your heart will always be saved for this 'child that wasn't'...and I think that's okay.

The main thing is this, though: Don't let this completely destroy the faith and hope you had and CAN HAVE again. Seriously, it won't do you any good (and you probably already know this), but it also will prohibit the right baby from finding YOU! Believe me...it's not a matter of IF the right baby will find you...it's a matter of WHEN. You alone have the control over 'the when'. Stay the course.......grieve as you will......but be determined to stay with this. There WILL come a day....believe me, I tell you the truth.

The day will come when everything WILL fall into place; when the right baby will find YOU....when there will be no birthfamily changing their minds. Sure, you will be scared to your boots through the entire process. Sure, you will have second doubts that this is really happening....and sure, you're thinking right now, "Naw...not ever. We're never gonna allow ourselves to be bilked like that again!!!!"
But this is the nature of adoption. It's not fair. It's not pretty. It's sad and sometimes ugly and hurts like nothing else. But...........adoption DOES work when it's right.

Stay the course. It will work for you too---just a matter of 'when'.

My best to you.....

Sincerely,

Linny

[chielu]

isn't it wonderful, though, that a child will not lose its family? Adoption is not a remedy for infertility or a means of creating a family. Why would a potential a-parent be sad about a mother that changes her mind and decides to keep her baby? You of all people should understand how imporatnt that decision must be. A mother who decides to keep her child is a time for celebration!

Isn't adoption a last resort for a child? Children are supposed to be stay with "their" people - that's human nature - it's the natural circle of life. Isn't adoption about what's in the best interest of the child, not the adopters?

It seems you do not understand the mother's grief at losing a child or the child's grief at losing a mother, family, ethnicity, culture and ancestry- your pain comes across as more inportant than mother and child - it is wonderful when a woman feels she has the strength and ability to keep her baby. As an adoptee I am shocked at how adopters treat other people's children as if they "should" belong to them.

It's definitely not fair that some people can not conceive, but, please, ask yourself, why did you first try to naturally conceive a child? Was it because you wanted a baby that comes from you - your own flesh and blood, someone to whom you can pass on your genes and ancestry - someone that will look like you? Well, adoptees want the same thing -- we want to be part of our own flesh and blood -- to be raised with our people.

Adoptees are not put on this earth to make other people parents. Mother and child are not supposed to be separated - adoption is raising somone else's child, a child who comes into this world with a mother, father and a birth name and indentity - the idea is to do anything and everything possible to keep the family together - not tear them apart.

Please read the stories on the "adoptee" support boards - see all the adoptees who are in pain, trying to make sense of their adoption, searching for their mothers and roots. Take a look at boards for mothers searching for the children lost to adoption. Really read and grasp what adoption has created for the sake of making other people parents.

[unexpectedblessing]

Chielu,

"Adoption is not a remedy for infertility or a means of creating a family."

Adoptive families are every bit as much of a FAMILY as biological ones. What has happened to you to make you so bitter?? Whatever it is, I feel for you.
Your remarks were very insensitive. When you lose a child, whether that child was yours by birth or adoption, no matter how long the child is with you, it is a painful process likening to a death. This woman has a right to grieve and should not be told to rejoice!
An adoptive family gains the joy of their child via a birthmother's pain. No one expects the birthmother not to grieve, why on earth should you expect an adoptive mother not to feel the same?
Perhaps you should contain comments like that to the adoptee board if that's how people feel there. Don't subject someone already in pain to such hurtful and insensitive words.
BTW, not all adoptive parents come to adoption through infertility, it's best not make assumptions.

[crick]

Chielu...I see your points. But...regardless of the fact that one wishes the best for the mom making a decision to raise her child, there is still a grief process of feeling that you were about to be a parent and it didn't happen.

It's a natural part of life to grieve...even for things not meant to happen. We do it all the time...a job we didn't get, a home we didn't own, a life we wished we had but don't. So if we grieve over "little" things such as these, obviously one would grieve for a child not meant to be theirs.

I think though...that your post is insensitive here on this thread. You've got valid points...because as you say, if a mom decides she can parent after all, that is indeed a good thing. Still though...do you really feel this is the right time or place to say that? Can one grieve a little without having all this shoved at her?

Lastly...I think it's a bit arrogant of you to state that "WE", meaning all adoptees feel a certain way. Why not just speak for yourself instead of making a blanket statement to include everyone else? Not every adoptee feels as you do..to be part of their flesh and blood or raised by "their" people.

JMO...

[momofmykids]

Originally Posted by chielu

Adoption is not a remedy for infertility or a means of creating a family.

It's how I created my family (I did have one bio child, but even the docs say she is a miracle). Why would you say such a thing? If it's not a means of creating a family, then WHAT is it? Do you see adoption as glorified babysitting until the child can be with "their" people again? Are you aware that some birth parents are totally incapable of parenting, or just simply don't want to. Furthermore, not all birth parents want to reconnect with their birth children, and, not all adoptees want to find their birthfamilies!!!

[jaenelle]

Originally Posted by chielu

isn't it wonderful, though, that a child will not lose its family? Adoption is not a remedy for infertility or a means of creating a family. Why would a potential a-parent be sad about a mother that changes her mind and decides to keep her baby? You of all people should understand how imporatnt that decision must be. A mother who decides to keep her child is a time for celebration!

Isn't adoption a last resort for a child? Children are supposed to be stay with "their" people - that's human nature - it's the natural circle of life. Isn't adoption about what's in the best interest of the child, not the adopters?

It seems you do not understand the mother's grief at losing a child or the child's grief at losing a mother, family, ethnicity, culture and ancestry- your pain comes across as more inportant than mother and child - it is wonderful when a woman feels she has the strength and ability to keep her baby. As an adoptee I am shocked at how adopters treat other people's children as if they "should" belong to them.

It's definitely not fair that some people can not conceive, but, please, ask yourself, why did you first try to naturally conceive a child? Was it because you wanted a baby that comes from you - your own flesh and blood, someone to whom you can pass on your genes and ancestry - someone that will look like you? Well, adoptees want the same thing -- we want to be part of our own flesh and blood -- to be raised with our people.

Adoptees are not put on this earth to make other people parents. Mother and child are not supposed to be separated - adoption is raising somone else's child, a child who comes into this world with a mother, father and a birth name and indentity - the idea is to do anything and everything possible to keep the family together - not tear them apart.

Please read the stories on the "adoptee" support boards - see all the adoptees who are in pain, trying to make sense of their adoption, searching for their mothers and roots. Take a look at boards for mothers searching for the children lost to adoption. Really read and grasp what adoption has created for the sake of making other people parents.

Wow. What nasty, mean, hurtful things to say to someone who is grieving and who came here looking for help. I certainly hope you get more sympathy when you have a problem than you give to others who are hurting. I'm sorry that you are so bitter and hateful -- I truly am. I hope you will realize the error of your ways, and I certainly hope you don't treat everyone you meet this way.

[Oliver1]

While my initial response to Chielu consisted of a two word response, one of which was a very naughty word, I thought it more productive to just share how I personally feel as an adoptee, to show how everyone has their own experience and own story to tell.

I am so thankful my birthparents placed me. I didn't "lose" a family. I was never lost. My God knew where I was meant to be from the moment I was just a twinkle in an eye. My family and I found each other; we claim each other and love each other. I am their own. There's not a doubt in my mind that I belong to them and they belong to me. Had they been forced to let me go, even after that first minute, their hearts would have broken into pieces. And there would have been no joy or celebration at the thought that my birthparent's would raise me instead of them. And I respect and understand that.

I have no "people". I have only family and friends and community. These people are "my people".

I wanted to be a parent not so I could pass on my blood and my ancestry. I am not so vain to feel my genes are so gosh-darn wonderful that they should continue on and spread throughout the world. My husband and I wanted to be parents, to love a child as we were loved and be loved in return. To grow and nurture a family. OUR family.

I understand very, very well the pain of loss. The pain of losing a child. The pain of losing in general. While everyone's losses are different, there is no sliding scale of whose pain is more. There's just pain. My birthmother's pain at "losing" me is not greater than my own pain of "losing" two babies through miscarriages. It may be different, but it is not greater or more meaningful. She does not get to wear her pain as a badge for sympathy and a sign of her courage. And neither do I. All we can do is get through it and try to move on as best we can, learning from the experiences and trying to keep faith.

While I am not the physical "flesh and blood" of my parents, I am most certainly the spiritual flesh and blood of my parents. My brown eyes came from my birthfather. My thick black hair came from my birthmother. That's wonderful. But what's even more lovely is that I know my empathy, inner strength, and sense of humor came from my dad. My passion, conviction, and quick temper came from my mom. Every worthy and important trait I possess I inherited from their love and wisdom, their discipline and faith, their strength and courage, their failures and successes, and their wonderful example of marriage and parenting. I can't imagine loving any parents more.

While my heart aches for adoptees who are confused, bitter, and desperately searching for roots, I am so thankful that I consider my own roots to have been planted and nurtured by my mom and dad from the day that I was placed in their arms. And you know what? My birthparents taught me courage and strength without having to speak a word. Sure, there is sadness and wonderings of "what might have been". But when one is blessed to be raised by kind and loving parents such as my own, "what might have been" always seems to pale in comparison to "what is". And yes, I feel sad for the tough choice my birthparents made. Yes, I empathize with their pain. But their pain is not my pain - nor should it be my parent's pain. I don't feel I need to take on the pain of their decision. That is their own to manage and live with. I respect it and acknowledge it, but it doesn't make me feel despair. Without their pain, I would not know my own joy.

I don't ever want anyone else to speak for me, as if adoptees all have only one voice. We have many voices. And mine is filled with joy and peace regarding my adoption.

[Casey677]

Xantii,

Many, many hugs to you! Having a failed adoption is incredibly hard, whether you have the baby in your arms or not. Take as much time as you need to grieve.... you have truly suffered a loss.

My husband and I had three failed tries before adopting our beautiful daughter. One after we had the most beautiful little boy in our arms for three days. A year and a half later, it still hurts. But I know that the baby that was meant to be mine.... is!

If you need someone to chat with about what you are going through... feel free to pm me!

[mommamarci]

Oliver,
Thank you so much for sharing this. It was beautiful and brought tears to my eyes. I am in the process of adopting and when I hear the blanket statements made about adoptees not beloning or not having roots, it scares me. I am scared that my child will not feel complete even though I know I will love the child with my entire being. Thank you so much for sharing another viewpoint. This gives me hope.

[chielu]

Yes, some adoptees do not want to find their parents - I have met them and I have also talked to these same adoptees later on after they have searched and reunited.

Sure, some adoptees don't want to know from whom they receiived their eyes, nose, ears, mouth, the colour and texture of their hair, their body type, the way they walk, the sound of their voice, their talents, personality, temperament, likes and dislikes, their ethnicity, their ancestry, their medical background and so on.

Of course some adoptees are foverever grateful to their adopters for giving them a better life than the woman who "gave them away because she loved them so much" could have.

Ah, yes, the adoptee is not interested in hearing the story of how they came to be, how their mother felt them inside her womb, how easy or terrible the delivery was...

Silly me, how could I possibly think that adoptees would want anything other than what was chosen for them - adoption.

How can you remove a child from their people and think they will never want to understand and reconnect with their mother, father and roots? And the reason they won't is because you love them. How selfish and arrogant.

Don't think for a second that adopted children don't feel their adopters fears and insecurities. Don't think for a second that when an adoptee tells you they are not interested in finding their mother that this is true. Rejection is a terrifying feeling for the adoptee.

"Your remarks were very insensitive. When you lose a child, whether that child was yours by birth or adoption, no matter how long the child is with you, it is a painful process likening to a death."

Imagine how the adoptee feels - they've lost a mother, father, family, identity, ethnicity, culture and ancestry. Now that is something to grieve.