[karaleah]

I have gone from being totally proud of DD#1's b-mom for the great choices she was making to feeling utterly fed up.

She has been a meth addict and alcoholic for years and, as far as I know, only stops when she's pregnant (and even then, not totally, at least with her 2nd child) or for short periods when she's not pregnant. Well, a couple of months ago, she checked herself into rehab (yay!). I was *so* proud of her, because I know that's a difficult step to take. Anyway, I just found out that she'd checked herself out, against the advice of the professionals. She's been drug-free for 2 mo., but who knows how long that will last? It's never for very long.

I just feel... done. With her in rehab, I was all for opening up our adoption more (right now I only have contact with DD's birth-aunt) and was so excited about the possibilities. Now... forget it. I just want us to move on with our lives. When/if DD wants to meet her f2f as an adult, she's welcome to. We'll support her 100%, but as far as her b-mom having contact with DD or us until then, forget it. I'm tired of the drama. I'm tired of the roller coaster ride of drug addiction.

I feel mean for cutting off all hope of openness from b-mom (although she'll still see pics and get updates from b-aunt), but I'm not going to allow her addiction to invade our family's life. When we adopted DD she'd already been dragged around to drug motels and been exposed to all sorts of garbage. I just want to keep the rest of DD's life safe and protected from even the hint of what she experienced during her first months.

Thanks for letting me vent. Has anyone else had to deal with a b-mom with addictions or other serious issues?

[mom2justynsarah]

I have an open adoption with my daughter's bmom. We adopted my daughter as a newborn. So she has been with us from the start.


Although Dee (bmom) has prior drug abuse in her life, she is not a drug addict. But her mom & sister are both meth addicts. My daughter's bdad has been arrested for domestic violence/drugs several times. His brothers have been in and out of jail due to drug problems. Thankfully my daughter is not being raised in that enviornment.

It is our role as parents to protect our children. If my daughter was subjected to the things your daughter was, I would cut off contact. It is NOT healthy. Your job is to be the very best parent & role model for your child. Her bmom's problems are NOT yours. Her life has to be seperate from your life with your daughter.

I would continue to send pictures & letters. But I would be very straightforward & upfront with your daughter's bmom. You are the mom. Lay down the law.

[BlessedBe]

I understand that you are upset that your DD's birthmom still has a chaotic life. However, what I don't understand is why that affects you and your child having at least some contact with her.

Supervised visits with birthmom in a neutral place does not expose your DD to any of the things that you are trying to protect her from in the birthmom's life that she's struggling with right now. Unless she came to the visit under the influence, your daughter would never even have to know what her birthmother is struggling with.

Don't get mad and make excuses as to why you want to close contact, but rather look for ways to make it work. And, please don't make future contact conditional. You owe it to your daughter and her birthmother to try to keep the lines of communication open.

[danhanan]

I sent you a PM

[crick]

Blessed..I disagree....it does make a huge difference if her bmom is not making the right choices in life. Even if she doesn't come to a visit under the influence, she's not leading a healthy or safe life. Sorry, but she's just not. I have an uncle who is a severe alcoholic. He doesn't show up to family functions drunk, but because of the life long effects alcohol has had on him, he acts in a way that I do not want my kids around.

I don't think it's unreasonable to stick to the semi open contact and allow for a change if warranted in the future.

JMO...

[blessedbybug]

Karaleah ~ I am struggling with some of these same issues, esp as we anticipate a possible move to the same city (albeit large) as Bug's first mom. I am working my hardest to maintain contact from our end through Bug's first grandparents, but it is hard to trust when you know the addiction is a part of the equation.

It is tough to know what to do, where to draw the line for the health of our children. My heart aches for contact with Bug's first mom but I also don't want to be a part of the chaos that is her life right now. Oh man... I made this all about me... we are struggling with these same issues... that's all I can say...

[BlessedBe]

What I think is totally wrong in this situation is now that the relinquishments have been signed and the tables are turned and the adoptive parents are holding all the power - it's being wielded around like some great, almighty way of getting birthmom to "live right or else!!!"

I vowed I'd never turn my back on our birthmother and use visits with DS as a condition for her behavior when not in our presence. She was never more than kind to us, unwaivering in her decision to place, and always kept us involved. We will always treat her with the same respect she gave us.

And I realize - that is just us, our situation, and MY opinion. But, put yourself in her place before you make any rash decisions.

If it were so easy to get cleaned up, she wouldn't be in the predicament she's in.

And if I'm wrong for having an unconditional love for DS's birthmom, then I don't want to be right!

[Leigh131313]

Why would you assume this goes against her agreement?

I have an open adoption, but it is CLEARLY stated in our agreement that if her lifestyle includes such negative things as drugs/alcohol (I dont mean social drinking) we simply cannot have any physical contact. Of course I would keep her updated...but i would not tolerate this from ANYONE. Period.

I have never anticipated this being a problem, but I wanter her to know my feelings on this matter BEFORE she signed for the adoption.

[alwaysus]

WOW, I could have written that original post. I do not let ANYONE near my kids that is on drugs. Period, no exceptions. I won't break that rule just because T gave birth to my 2 youngest. When she is using, she is not allowed NEAR my family. We take a HARD stance against drugs because of what has happened with T ( DH sister and the birthmother of my kids)
DO I use that to wield power? I guess in a way I do. I am the one repsonsible for the kids. I am the one that has to answer for the examples we lay before them. I am the one that has the " Power" to keep my kids safe and away from bad influences.Thats my job.

Live right or else? Ummm, I'm ok with that. She is welcome to make her choices, but then she has to live with the outcome. It is called tough love. Its called cause and effect, its called reprecussions.

Do what you need to do to keep your kids safe and emotionally healthy.

Edited to add that I love T as well.Nothing will ever change that. BUT love does NOT equal acceptance. Love does NOT equal ignoring unsafe, unhealthy behavior.

[pwheatle]

I do not make it a habit of having my children socialize with drug addicts no matter who they are...family or not.
It is my understanding with the OP that the adoption was never open to the birth mother but the birth aunt. I believe the OP was hopeful to open up the adoption to the birth mother.

Tricia

[karaleah]

Originally Posted by BlessedBe

What I think is totally wrong in this situation is now that the relinquishments have been signed and the tables are turned and the adoptive parents are holding all the power - it's being wielded around like some great, almighty way of getting birthmom to "live right or else!!!"

You don't know the details of our situation. Relinquishments were never signed, it was an involuntary TPR (not foster care, it's a long story).

We are not breaking any promises to our DD's b-mom. And I am fine with continuing to send letters and photos, via b-aunt. B-mom is welcome to do the same. But visits? No. I set a similar boundary with my brother because of his own choices (not drugs, but equally damaging).

I vowed I'd never turn my back on our birthmother and use visits with DS as a condition for her behavior when not in our presence. She was never more than kind to us, unwaivering in her decision to place, and always kept us involved. We will always treat her with the same respect she gave us.

I'm glad you're honoring your promise. That's really important. We continue to honor our committments, too.

And I realize - that is just us, our situation, and MY opinion. But, put yourself in her place before you make any rash decisions.

I don't make my decisions based on what is best for DD's b-mom. I make my decisions based on what is best, healthiest and safest for DD. I would never be deliberately mean, nor am I out to hurt DD's b-mom, but, by the same token, she is an adult who must take responsibility for her own life.

so easy to get cleaned up, she wouldn't be in the predicament she's in.

Again, I wish her the strength to overcome this. Truly. But, my primary responsibility is toward DD, not her adult b-mom.

[cherrymom]

i personally would not have direct contact (we do send pics & letters) with either of my kids birthmoms if they were using. And since they are - we don't. We will continue to keep the non-contact information flowing (even when we hear nothing back) just in case they get their lives together and because since I know they love their babies - I'm sure it blesses them to see pics and to hear how they are doing. I would love nothing more than for them to be doing well - we pray for them all the time. But right now it is my job to protect my children.

[alwaysus]

Karaleah, Very well said.

Cherrymom and pwheatle, I agree with you too!

[karaleah]

Originally Posted by BlessedBe

I understand that you are upset that your DD's birthmom still has a chaotic life. However, what I don't understand is why that affects you and your child having at least some contact with her.

As I mentioned before, we'll continue a semi-open style arrangement.

Supervised visits with birthmom in a neutral place does not expose your DD to any of the things that you are trying to protect her from in the birthmom's life that she's struggling with right now. Unless she came to the visit under the influence, your daughter would never even have to know what her birthmother is struggling with.

And if she did come to a visit high? what then?

Don't get mad and make excuses as to why you want to close contact, but rather look for ways to make it work. And, please don't make future contact conditional.

I'm not closing contact or making excuses. I've just come to the conclusion that pursuing more openness (which is what I had been hoping for) is not in my daughter's best interest because of several conscious choices on her b-mom's part.

You owe it to your daughter and her birthmother to try to keep the lines of communication open.

I owe it to my daughter to raise her in an atmosphere of safety and love. I owe it to my daughter to empower her to pursue her dreams and live life to the fullest. I owe it to my daughter to tell her the truth (good and bad) about her adoption and birthparents in age-appropriate ways. I owe it to my daughter to support her when/if she chooses to pursue direct contact (f2f or otherwise) with her b-mom. That is what I owe her.

Listen, we're all just trying to raise our kids the best way we know how. What's helpful for one child might not be helpful for another. All I ask is that you please give me the benefit of the doubt as to my motives and judgment. I wish you well in your relationship with your DS's b-mom.

[BlessedBe]

Karahleah, now that you've dissected everything I said - I just want you to know that no, I don't know the details of your situation, yet the same goes for the particulars of our son's adoption, and I'm sorry if I upset you.

I believe it is the tone (I mean, has your life really been on hold?) of your post that upsets me and put me on guard because I've ran into too many adoptive parents who have used anything as an excuse to break ties with members of the birthfamily.

And I'd also like comment that several of you make it sound as though I would allow my child to be a part of the "drug scene" just because personally I see no harm in meeting the birthmother in a neutral place - I'm protecting my son as fiercely as any other mom and sheltering him as long as I can from that way of life and pouring enough love upon him that he could move mountains with it.

Again, I apologize. May you soon find peace.

BlessedBe