[shy_bear]

We have a very open relationship with our oldest daughter's birthmom. We talk on a regular basis, email, and visit as often as our schedules will allow. She is graduating college next month and has moved in with her boyfriend. They came over yesterday for Easter dinner. This was the first time we have met her boyfriend. We were talking about the wonderful job that she accepted upon graduation. I asked her if she will be staying in her current apt. or looking for something bigger. She said they are thinking of buying a house. I went into the kitchen and her and daughter were playing cards. I over hear her telling M that once she is in her new house M can come over and spend the night. I was taken back that she said this. She has always been very respectful of us as M's parents. I would not allow M to spend the night there without one of us. I would not allow her to spend the night at any adults house without of us there and yes it makes me a little uncomfortable b/c she is her birthmom. My main prob. with the whole thing was that she said that to M; then my husband and I are going to look like the bad guys when we say no. My hubby thinks I am being too sensitive about this and I should not think twice about it. He said if it comes up again just say no end of discussion. Am I being silly and too sensitive?

[BrandyHagz]

Just so I can understand better. Are you saying you will never allow your daughter to spend the night out with anyone unless you are there?

[momofmykids]

From your sig line, it looks like M is 8...I wouldn't let my 8 year old spend the night with anybody (except mine or dh's parents) at that age!

[bohtieque]

Ideally, I would think that it would have been best if M's birthmother had talked to you about it first. She probably means no harm, but I completely understand why you feel uncomfortable--it's a touchy situation.

Are you able to sit down with her and tell her what you overheard and bring your concerns to her before she asks again? If you come to an understanding, you might be able to plan what you'll both say to M before the question comes up again.

[shy_bear]

No we let her go to sleepovers at her friends house and functions with her Girl Scout troop.

[BrandyHagz]

I guess each relationship is different and it should be based on the relationship you have and not what others thing is right or out of line.

For us, this wouldn't be out of line...at age eight, M spent several nights with me while her parents were busy moving. Again, this is us and our relationship.

So, you asked, was she out of line, and all I can say is for us, this would not be out of line. Everyone has their own comfort levels.

[BrandyHagz]

Ok, wow...so let me ask...what is it about her birthmom that makes that off limits? Maybe I'm missing something here...but if you allow her to spend the night with friends and girl scouts...why is birthmom an auto-no?

Not trying to debate your decision - just trying to understand...

[rose524]

Well, I was never allowed to sleep out when I was little, so I understand why you would be apprehensive about letting her spend the night out with anyone, particularly since birthmom's boyfriend is nearly a stranger to you.

I don't know if I would say she was out of line, but I think she should have asked you privately first. Hopefully your daughter will understand, and you won't end up looking like "the bad guy".

Good luck.

[shy_bear]

Ok, I don't want to get bashed for saying this. It is how I FEEL. She is her birthmom and while I think it is very important for them to have a relationship and M to feel that she can ask questions about her adoption and birthmom; birthmom gave up many rights when she placed and I am her mom and I am uncomfortable with M being there over night. I trust birthmom can not say I trust her boyfriend b/c I only met him yesterday. I feel it crossed the line that she said it to M; I would not ask any of my friends children if they wanted to spend the night or come over I would ask the parent first. To me it is just being respectful.

[manni28]

Shy bear:


You go with what you feel is right. Yes, you are the mom and bmom should have ask you first. What I would do is mention to her very nicely: " oh, I overheard you talking about sleepovers...we aren't comfortable with that, and in future please speak with us first" and let it go.I don't think she mean't to be disrepectful( or was aware of it).

[BlessedBe]

I don't think it's necessarily out of line that your daughter's birthmom would request a sleepover, but what I do think is out of line is that she didn't ask you and your husband BEFORE saying something to M. To me, that's out of line whether it's a member of a birth family or adoptive family.

I agree that it could be one thing if it were only the birthmother living in the home, but she has her boyfriend with her whom you know nothing about. I would NEVER let my child go to anyone's home where there's someone living there that's a stranger to me. You just can't be too careful these days.

Also, although some familes have open adoptions where this type of contact is okay, many do not. Each adoption is unique and what's right for some, isn't for others and your feelings about this has has nothing to do with how much love and care for your daughter's birthmother.

I wish I had some advice on how to handle this now with your daughter and her birthmother but I'm not sure how I'd bring this up with birthmom if the same thing happened to us. Anyway, I just wanted to lend you my support and let you know that you shouldn't feel bad about this decision you've made as the parent of your daughter.

[mumofone]

I would be upset with the fact that her birthmom didn't approach you and your DH directly, but I honestly don't understand why it would bother you if she spent the night.

If your daughter's birthmom is a responsible young lady, which by the sounds of your first post, she is, then I wouldn't hesitate to allow her to stay.

However, I would set some boundaries.

[ourdreamcametru]

I agree with you that it was out of line for your daughter's birthmother to ask with out first talking to you as her parents. We have a simi open adoption with visits once a year and cards, letters, email and phone calls every few weeks. I guess we are closer with our daughter's birth grand/great grand parents than with her bmom since she is still young and doesn't call as often, and doesn't have a phone where we can reach her. I personally would not be okay with our daughter spending the night at any of her bfamily homes. They love her but as was stated before, they gave up rights and part of those rights are parenting. If it makes it any better, I have never left our children at my in laws over night either. My parents have kept them a handful of times over night but hubby and I just don't do things without our children.
I fully support you shybear!

[lisa in venice]

Well in our in ourone very open adoption our little guy has been having sleep overs since he was about two but it's not a biggie to me so I personally would not have been upset. You have an established relationship and the kid is EIGHT. I don't think it is unreasonable for the birthmom to have assumed that it was ok. Now even with that assumption I think it was out of line to talk to your dd about it without clearing it with mom and dad.

lisa

BTW I agree that birthparents give up rights when they make an adoption plan but sleep overs are not parenting it is fun a slumber party every once in a while does not mean that she will suddenly become a parental rival. Heck if it were me I ask if BOTH girls could sleep over and have a date night with dh (assuming you knew the boyfriend better) And of course this is coming from the very tired mother of four who hasn't had a night alone with dh in 6 years

[mamabee]

I agree with many and disagree with some. I feel this is about boundaries as some have already stated. And open adoptions are different and especially different for me since I am/was in a closed adoption. However, if bMother tells 8 year old child things that would knowingly go against the parents...then, NO this child does not need to be spending the night with her. It's also about respect....there is clearly none being reciprocated here on the bMother's part.