[bromanchik]

Originally Posted by hopetoadoptblog

In my opinion...the fact that she is being her "buddy" still signals her immaturity, and plus would make me feel better that she's assuming this role instead of trying to be her "mom".

This is a totally contridictory statement. If she is not supposed to act like a "mom" (and I do believe that it is not in a birthparent's role to be parental.) and she is "immature" if she acts like a "buddy", exactly what is she supposed to be? Maybe you can lay out what a birthparent's role is.

Originally Posted by hopetoadoptblog

Even though people do learn from their mistakes, some do not...and even though her boyfriend may be a saint...you do NOT know yet if he's cut of the same cloth of the boy (or man) that got her pregnant at 13.

Wow!!! Forever suspect because of something she did at 13! Did it ever occur to you that she took a difficult situation (being pregnant at 13 in a dysfunctional family) and looked at it in a mature manner and made a good decision for herself and her baby?

Developmentally there are huge differences in thought processes, cognition and maturity between a 13 year old and a 22 year old. Please, let this woman grow up. Do you expect all 22 year olds to be the same as they were when they were 13? Do you expect all 22 year olds to be fully skilled in social relationships? Especially a social relationship that really has no guidelines. I have never seen Emily Post talk about proper adoption etiquette.

[bromanchik]

Originally Posted by hopetoadoptblog

If the relationship with the birth father was good when she was 13, she'd still be with him now...she's not...

So, she's made poor choices with men.

Did you have a boyfriend at 13? Are you still with him? I have never heard so much self-rightous drivel in my life. Was the birthfather even a "man". Does having mature sexual organs make you a man or a woman despite your age? Are the people we are at 13 determine who we are for the rest of our lives? All the research on adolescent development says no. Look at the facts for now. She is 22, newly graduated and buying a house. How many 22 year olds can say as much. Instead of looking at all the negatives try looking at the positives.

I am so glad my son's adoptive parents did not judge me based on not being in the position to parent when I got pregnant with my son. I am glad they allowed to me to grow.

[shy_bear]

Didn't mean for this to become an arguement She was never in a relationship with the birthfather; it was a one time thing. He was 18 and biograndma was threatening to press stautory(sp?) rape charges against him, but it never happened. Since then she has had two other boyfriends, we did not meet either of them. She has been dating this man for almost 2 years, and I have held off until now to let our daughter meet him. I know birthmom was annoyed that we did not let the meeting take place sooner.

I don't consider myself a "friend' to M's birthmom. We have a relationship b/c of M. If it was not for M she is not someone I would be around. I do care for her, and am proud of her but we are not friends. We discuss M on a regular basis; her activites, school,etc.

Birthmom has NEVER been alone with M and as far as I am concerned will not be till M is much much older. M has never been to visit birthmom anywhere other than our home or out to eat.

I am not holding on to any resentments from the past. I simply feel we gave her what she needed in the begining. When we recieved the phone call about her the pg counselor explained the home situation and that birthmom would need the extra comforting. It turned into us babysitting her, shuffling her to therapy, and escorting her friends around. Let me just say we don't lay any of that on her it was her mom and we went to the agency and we now have very minimal contact, a x-mas card and b-day car with grandma. When birthmom was still living with bgrandma contact was much less.
I am M's mom. I am not holding onto the past. I am looking out for my child the best way that I know how. I do agree with one of the posters who said why in an open relationship should this be expected? I think we are fine with the way things have been.

If birthmom brings it up again I am going to tell her that M is not spending the night, but I am not going to bring it up with her at this point.

[Vogi2002]

Shy-bear - Your last post cleared up a lot for me as far as your relationship with the birthmom. I assumed because of the phrase "very open" adoption that you were friends of some sort...i apologize for the assumption and if my post at all seemed like an attack (it wasn't :-) ) I stillthough think you should either, write her a letter or talk to her, so as to prevent it from happening again or any bad feelings....

Good luck!!

Natalie

[taramayrn]

Originally Posted by bromanchik

I am so glad my son's adoptive parents did not judge me based on not being in the position to parent when I got pregnant with my son. I am glad they allowed to me to grow.

I'm feeling the same way Brenda. I know I have put my foot in my mouth a few times around my son and his family but they have forgiven me and we have moved on. Frankly I think that's what this birthmom did, stuck her foot in her mouth, was excited about sharing her new home with her daughter. She wasn't trying to be sneaky, be the "mom", step out of her "role", etc etc etc. I think she just made a mistake. To the original poster, while I don't agree with the no sleep over rule you have, I respect that you do have that rule and so you need to let bmom know about that. Totally fair...but do not read into this so much.

[taramayrn]

Originally Posted by shy_bear

When we recieved the phone call about her the pg counselor explained the home situation and that birthmom would need the extra comforting. It turned into us babysitting her, shuffling her to therapy, and escorting her friends around. Let me just say we don't lay any of that on her it was her mom and we went to the agency and we now have very minimal contact, a x-mas card and b-day car with grandma. When birthmom was still living with bgrandma contact was much less.
.

So you muddled up the boundaries early on too and so now you need to set them straight. That's your job as a mom.

[mom2GRLC]

As far as the relationship a bmom should have with her child....parental vs buddy....I say neither!!!

Through a difficult year and a half of trying to sort out my fellings regarding adoption and What level of contact we feel appropriate and that sort of thing...

I feel that my daughters birthmom is NOT her MOM. She is her birthmom and I do not want my daughter going to her for parenting advice or anything like that. (we are very different people and I do not agree with many of the life choices she or her family has made...I want my daughter to look to me and my family and friends as role models for the values and beliefs she will grow up with.)

I do not want her bmom to be her "buddy". Someone who she just goes and plays with and does each others hair or nails or whatever....that is not her role in my childs life.

Her role is to write her, share her family, medical, personal history, share her feelings and hopes and dreams, share stories of her pregnancy or her first year. Share answers to difficult questions that my daughter will have as she grows up regarding her adoption or time in fostercare.

Her job is not to be her MOM or her BUDDY. Her job is to set the groundwork so that when my daughter is grown she can develope an adult relationship/friendship with her when she is older.

That is what we feel is best for our daughter and all of us...because in the last year and a half we have tried being very open and it wasn't healhy for any of us. There have to be boudaries. There has to be respect for each other and the new relationhips that are formed through adoption for everyone.

[mom2GRLC]

Wether the situation be just through letters or through visits and phone calls as well... the point is she is not her Mom or her Buddy and while there is nothing wrong with them seeing each other every now and then....there has to be so much more there..then just a short meaningless visits. I feel a birthparents role is more about communication and sharing than playing together.

[taramayrn]

Hmm so as a birthmom in an open adoption I should not expect to play with my son when I visit him? I should just sit there and communicate and provide information with his parents?! Rather deluted thinking if you ask me. I realize your situation is different but I think you are forgetting that it isn't the norm.

[hopetoadoptblog]

You know, I am really biting back the temptation at being nasty.

EVERYONE is being nasty to me, SIMPLY because my opinion is apparently not the opinion of whole.

Did anyone EVER think that it's the birth mother's past choices that are making the OP have trust issues regarding the new man?

I am THRILLED the mother is making better choices for herself, but it does NOT and SHOULD NOT negate the fact that there is a new man, of unknown history to the adoptive parents, and AGAIN, I COMMEND THEM for being cautious regarding their little girl and him.

That has always been my point, plain and simple. But certain people want to pick apart my post and pick on me.

It seems like the ones spouting self righteous are the ones that feel they are. I know I certainly never gave anyone any "self righteous drivel".

People make poor choices...you HOPE they learn from it and move on. It appears she is, but yes, they should be leary of her spending the night in a home with a male TOTAL stranger to them.

They don't know if he's a convicted child molester or the best male role model in the world...they will only learn that by meeting with them more.

PLEASE quit twisting my comments into something they are not just to have an argument of no merit.

Thanks.

Originally Posted by bromanchik

Did you have a boyfriend at 13? Are you still with him? I have never heard so much self-rightous drivel in my life. Was the birthfather even a "man". Does having mature sexual organs make you a man or a woman despite your age? Are the people we are at 13 determine who we are for the rest of our lives? All the research on adolescent development says no. Look at the facts for now. She is 22, newly graduated and buying a house. How many 22 year olds can say as much. Instead of looking at all the negatives try looking at the positives.

I am so glad my son's adoptive parents did not judge me based on not being in the position to parent when I got pregnant with my son. I am glad they allowed to me to grow.

[Vogi2002]

Tara- I think what mom2grl meant was that a birthmother and her child's relationship is much much deeper than a "buddy", yet not the same as a "parental" role (or at least that is what I am assuming). I don't think she meant that you shouldn't play with the child or anything, just that a "buddy" is more of a "fun aquaintance" (man I am sorry if i misspelled that word, haha).

That being said I think that a birthmother and her child should have whatever relationship they choose and are comfortable with, if that is more of a "buddy" relationship, great, if she is more of a "mother" figure (i.e. i have many of these in my life, aunts, grandparents, family friends) that is great too! There is no exact structure to a birthmother and her child, because each situation is uniquely beautiful and has many sides. In most situations this relationship will grow and take on many forms throughout thier lives. This is what makes humans such a powerful and divine species....I don't think birthparents, adoptees, or adoptive parents are saints, and I don't think every triad is the same. That is why communication is so important (if possible) between each triad!!!

Okay, just my .02!!

Natalie

[taramayrn]

Yes I agree that each relationship between a birthmother and her child is individual and there are no rules as to what that relationship should be.

That being said my son is 6 and yes I am his buddy right now. That's our relationship right now. I take my relationship with him and his family very seriously. I have a great responsibility to my son to answer his questions and to provide information to him. But I am also there to show him I love him and for us right now that means we are buddies.

[mom2GRLC]

I'm not saying you can't play together and have fun during a visit....my point is....that should not be "all" of your relationship. You shouldn't be allowed to just come and play or have her over at your house for a sleepover to hang out and play.

I think the situation the OP has agreed to and had followed for the last 8 years is a wonderful arrangement for their family. I think adding sleepovers would certianly cross the line...from being a "birthmother....special person in the childs life." To being more of a parental figure(with two moms and two homes) and or being a buddy to just hang out with(she's not 8 years old....so why would she invite her over for a sleepover to play with her?). That's all I'm trying to say.... she is not her Buddy and she is not her MOM....so she just needs to stick to the relationship they have and build on that over the years.

[taramayrn]

Originally Posted by mom2GRLC

I'm not saying you can't play together and have fun during a visit....my point is....that should not be "all" of your relationship. You shouldn't be allowed to just come and play or have her over at your house for a sleepover to hang out and play.
.

I agree...but how should I, or her, as the birthmother act?

[akcskye]

I agree Mom2...and that's what I meant when I said Mom Vs. Buddy (I'm at another computer...I am also hopetoadoptblog, and this is my name I normally use...I didn't realize I was in my "work clothes" 'til people started referring to me as "hope").

And I apologize that I started this mess of an "argument"...I just want to let people know that I did NOT mean to...and I will admit...I was raised from a MUCH different set of standards and thoughts that is more the norm today...hence what I said.

See, when I was raised, I was raised to believe that if you were old enough to have sex, you were also old enough to move out, get a job, and do all the things that putting yourself into an adult position (ie: sex) does.

That's where my own personal belief of a 13 year olds choices are as valid as an adults if they put themselves into an adults position by having sex...does that make sense?

If I am wrong for viewing it that way, I am sorry...I am a 32 year old woman raised by parents that should be the age of my grandparents...so my raising was 1950's all the way. haha

And when I said boy (man), I didn't mean that the boy was being a man (someone said something about "having the plumbing didn't make them an adult"...so that comment was misread, hence me explaining myself)...I meant that I did not know whether her encounter that got her pregnant was by a boy or a man.

So give me a chance guys/gals...apparently what I thought was a well intentioned post was misread...I think we're all on the same stand...I just didn't express myself as well as I thought.

I mean, I agree...the mother has chosen the man. Let's hope he's as good as he must be for her to choose him. She wants more of a relationship with her daughter...but I do agree with the adoptive parents hesitation of sleepovers...that to me would feel more like a situation of divorce...having 2 sets of parents in 2 homes.

Maybe I should've just said that in the first place.

So anyway...sorry for starting the arguements...for that I apologize...