[ChristieS]

Originally Posted by redribbonrose

Shybear,

I don't blame you for being uncomfortable about it. It would make me feel odd too, very odd. Especially with not knowing the boyfriend all too well.

Good point here. I would NEVER let my child spend the night with someone I did not know VERY well, and whose house I had not been too (ref: the "gun" reply). We, as parents, need to watch out for our children's welfare, and if you do not feel comfortable with it - at this time anyway - then you might want to explain to her that you need to get to know her fiance better first.

Good luck. I know this is a toughie.

[Brat]

Of course, as much as we speculate, it's impossible for anyone to know exactly what was going on in your daughter's birthmom's mind when she made her comment. We can't defend or condemn: we just don't know.

But if I had to put myself in her shoes, I can totally see myself caught up in the emotion of the moment, in the simple intimacy of spending time with my daughter. She should have asked you, and do have every right, without explanation to anyone else, to decide where your child spends the night. But I would be careful with her birthmom's feelings and be willing to dialogue.

Maybe I'm off in saying this, but I'm worried about your daughter's birthmom. Maybe it was just an off-handed comment to your daughter, but then again, maybe there's a sadness beneath her newfound success. I don't know what her situation was when she made her plan, if it was based on poverty, a desire to finish school, or what. But the point is that now she's in a place in her life that she probably reasonably could support a child. I would worry that she'd take your daughter over to her place, and get caught up in what could have been. I don't know how she feels, but if it were me, it would be painful. I could sign a zillion papers, and still struggle if my daughter was sitting *right there* and the feeling came over me that I'd love to have her over. I could see myself, with no malice whatsoever, not even thinking about you.

So, that's why I'd be open to listening to her. Not to shove my opinions on her about how she may feel, but just to be a shoulder if she needs it. Maybe she wouldn't tell you exactly how she feels for fear of damaging the relationship. But I know in my own life, I appreciate when people are at least willing to listen.

What strikes me is that you have a very open adoption plan, and as it and your daughter matures, you'll go through so many changes in your relationship with her birthmom. She'll probably get married some day and have more kids, and that will be another situation to work through, with boundaries and everything else. The more honest everyone is about their feelings throughout all this, I think, the better. I am frank about my feelings with my daughter's birthmom; I let her know if I feel uncomfortable and when I'm concerned about her feelings. Well, most of the time.

As much as I know that my daughter's birthmom is not my little sister, we're so alike that I can't help but feel like she is. I can't but feel such strong feelings for her that I'd love for *her* to move in with *us!* But the reality is, it would be too hard on both of us, and very, very likely confusing for my daughter.

Enough rambling. The fact that you started this thread, shows how much you care. Go with those feelings and you can't go wrong. Maybe what makes you feel so uncomfortable right now might, in the end, be the thing that gives you the most peace.

[shy_bear]

Short background on birthmom; she was 13 when she found herself pg with M. 14 at delivery. She had a poor home life and knew there was no way she could parent a child at 14, and her mom had no desire to parent another child. We have seen her grow into a mature hardworking young woman. With that said she is in her early 20's and feels she knows everything about the world and that she is always right. There have been slips here and there when she has said things that have irked me, but my stance has always been I am in this relationship for my daughter so she will have the best possible future. I don't buy the she might have been caught up in the moment, b/c we see her at least 3x a year and we have for 8 years. Nothing is going to increase or decrease at this point till M says otherwise. We knew going into the placment that she needed extra comforting b/c of her age and we bent over backwards for months to accomadate her. I have done my part to help with her feelings and it is not my job anymore, my job is to parent M. If she needs help addressing the adoption and changes in her life she needs to seek help; M is not going to fix any of birthmom's feelings and if it ever came to birthmom looking to M to fix anything the relationship would be dissolved.

[numbr1dbcksfan]

I dont think she was saying that is was your job, just that if you have a relationship, then you might think about talking about it. Also remember that she might think you have a friendship even if you dont. Friends talk about the hard stuff...

[manni28]

We have seen her grow into a mature hardworking young woman. With that said she is in her early 20's and feels she knows everything about the world and that she is always right. There have been slips here and there when she has said things that have irked me, but my stance has always been I am in this relationship for my daughter

I think I see why this situation has rubbed you the wrong way!


This plus what she's said/done (in the past) has irked you, and is building up in you. I think you need to the talk about the sleepover, boundaries and some of the things that she's done that has bought you to this point.

Since your daughter is approaching preteen/teen hood, I truly believe boundaries need to be explained to your daughter and her bmom. Yes, you will be seen as the bad guy, but who cares!! You are the parent it's NOT your job to worry what anyone thinks; it's your job to parent and protect your child.Plus, it keeps everyone on the same page.

Good Luck

[hopetoadoptblog]

In my opinion...the fact that she is being her "buddy" still signals her immaturity, and plus would make me feel better that she's assuming this role instead of trying to be her "mom".

She is still wrapped up in herself...so I don't see her as a "threat" to your daughter in respect of trying to usurp your parental authority...but I DO TOTALLY AGREE with you in regards of the trust situation with the current boyfriend.

Even though people do learn from their mistakes, some do not...and even though her boyfriend may be a saint...you do NOT know yet if he's cut of the same cloth of the boy (or man) that got her pregnant at 13.

It just depends upon whether she's learned to make good choices in her sexual relationships like she apparently has in her work relationships.

If it were me, I'd just dismiss this as a pipe dream, and confront IF it were to happen again.

Just my .02

[Vogi2002]

Okay, one thing that is kind of bothering me. I don't want to offend anyone..I am just confused. I have not adopted yet, by all means I have not experienced it yet, BUT if you have a "very open" adoption like you describe, one can only assume that you have some kind of relationship.

I would assume this would be a kind of friendship....and if you are friends then how can you say that it is not your job to "take on her issues"? Yes, your job is parenting your daughter, but I don't think anyone was saying you had to parent the birthmom...just that in a relationship there is always boundaries...and like any relationship they must be discussed...and in a friendship we do "take on issues" of our friends, we talk, and work it out! And in no means am I going to make a blanket statement about her maturity, if anything you have to pretty mature to make a life for yourself with little or no support....Anyways, although she might have been out of line not asking you first if there was nothing said to her that said that you didn't want daughter to stay the night, then she might not have known!

Okay just my .02....

Good Luck!!

Natalie

[AwaitingBeloved]

Shybear,
Initially, reading your OP, it spoke to something I've been fearing myself. What about the day bmom and bdad ask for a sleep over? How will we handle this? It is very uneasy for us. However, when I read what someone responded, that it would be a slumber party, not a parenting competition (paraphrasing) that felt better.

My own irrational fear boils down to this... what if I am not enough for DD. Not saying I don't want bparents involved, I absolutely do, but what if DD doesn't like me? Is this bad of me or what? So really, my anxiety about this at all, has to do with my own insecurities. And that's not a good reason to deny an overnight visit with bparents.

I had my nephew and niece over last night for a slumber party, it was fun. My niece ended up going home, she missed her mom, but my nephew stayed and we had a blast. I have to remember that for the bparents, this is just an opportunity to spend time with their bkids.

A concern in your situation, is the fact that the bfriend may be living there, too. And what happens if they break up, etc. Not sure how close the bmom is, sounds close to you though, and this concerns me that your little one will see more than one person in her bmother's life. Maybe I'm too sensitive? But that is the only red flag I see. Other than like you said, you just don't know the guy.

But I am pretty sure that bmom would be sure your child is safe.

[kllee4]

I'm confused, Hopetoadopt blog: How did the comparison of the boyfriend and the birthfather come into play?

Did the OP mention anything negative about either guy except to say that she just met him and was being cautious? I kind of felt like it was a slam to both birthfathers. I can understand her feeling like she didn't know the boyfriend but I don't remember her mentioning that "the boy (or man) that got her pregnant at 13" played into this at all. At least I don't remember it.

Maybe you didn't mena it that way, so if you didn't, I apologize in advance, but let's take it easy on a guy we know nothing about.

[Leigh131313]

I guess i am having trouble with the assumption that open adoption = overnight visits.


This is just not always going to be the case...in fact I would think its in the minority (just going by my own personal experience in the adoptive community)

Why do you all feel that these are expected/required?


I can understand some relationships would involve this....i'm just not sure why there is a feeling of you SHOULD have this.

[hopetoadoptblog]

I don't know where you'd be confused.

Brass tacks. She's made a poor choice in the past regarding boyfriends/sexual relationships.

If the relationship with the birth father was good when she was 13, she'd still be with him now...she's not...

So, she's made poor choices with men.

All I intended to mean was let's hope she's not repeating the mistakes of the past, and I applaud the adoptive family for being concerned about a boyfriend in the birth mother's life that they barely know when there is a possibility of their daughter spending the night with him.

If he's another poor choice...it could have disastrous results to their daughter. If he's yet another good choice (along with her jobs, etc), then AWESOME...another good member of the extended family.

Nothing more should've read into it.

Originally Posted by kllee4

I'm confused, Hopetoadopt blog: How did the comparison of the boyfriend and the birthfather come into play?

Did the OP mention anything negative about either guy except to say that she just met him and was being cautious? I kind of felt like it was a slam to both birthfathers. I can understand her feeling like she didn't know the boyfriend but I don't remember her mentioning that "the boy (or man) that got her pregnant at 13" played into this at all. At least I don't remember it.

Maybe you didn't mena it that way, so if you didn't, I apologize in advance, but let's take it easy on a guy we know nothing about.

[Brat]

I don't know exactly what you have experienced during the initial stages of the adoption, and I am sorry if I made you feel judged. My intention was to support and perhaps provide an alternate view. I'm glad you're able to work out your feelings here, because clearly you are still stinging from the past and this recent incident.

Number1 said it best: I just assumed that after eight years you had a friendship of some sort and would want to listen. I wasn't at all thinking that you are ultimately responsible for her feelings, or should be her personal therapist. I didn't think that listening would impact your ability to put your daughter first. In fact, part of listening could be earning the right to advise her to seek professional help, not only for her sake, but because she's around your daughter.

But in the end, you know her more than the rest of us, and you don't seem to feel she has any problems that need to be worked out. I still hope that some day you and your daughter's birthmom will have a really good talk where all your feelings are out there on the table. When you're both ready. For your daughter's sake. All you need is for resentments to build up and for her to get caught in the middle.

(For the record, I don't AT ALL think that overnights should be a given. If I saw my daughter's birthmom as much as the OP sees her daughter's, I could see how the topic might come up. I'd definitely, definitely struggle with it. Relationships are that way.)

[Brat]

Sorry to chime in on a disagreement...but I would feel remiss if I didn't mention this--here I go again--alternate view.

My daughter's birthmom was young when she had her as well. She loved the birthfather, who was close to her in age. They are both really, really great kids. I feel bad for them because if they were much older, my guess is that they would have had a chance to make it. The fact that they made a poor choice and she got pregnant is why it ended. They were just way too young and it all got too complicated.

I don't know anything about this situation--I just wanted to say that in our case, the pregnancy revealed more about these kids' hormones than their essential character or ability to make good choices overall in their relationship partners.

Would I have my daughter in a house with a strange man? Heck no. But I just can't see myself judging my daughter's birthmom's choices in men unless I had convincing evidence that she's always picking losers. We all have friends who have that issue....

[mom2GRLC]

I would be very upset if my daughters bmom brought that up to my daughter before talking it through with me first. VERRY UPSET!!!

For one....that whole Idea is a big NO WAY in the first place!!!

I probably wouldn't have made a big deal about it right there in front of them both...I would have done exactly what you did.....but eventually i would have written her a letter expressing my feelings about it and just plain telling her NO we don't feel comfortable with that and if she wanted something outside of what we had already been doing that she would need to talk to me about it first.

I think maybe she had pre-thought that whole idea in her head before even coming to visit. But it was out of line and should not have come out the way it did. Has your daughter ever gone to her home in the past? Is the problem her sleeping over or just visiting unsupervised at her home in general. I know I would not feel comfortable for even a visit to happen at her home without me or the rest of my family there.

My other thought was that maybe she was just trying to break in the idea....maybe she was a little afraid to come directly to you and ask...but if she brought it up casually you might consider it..especially seeing your daughters reaction of excitement and continued begging to go.

Whatever her reasons were she should have gone through you first, and you should talk to her about it before she invites your daughter to any more activities before asking you.

[taramayrn]

Originally Posted by hopetoadoptblog

Brass tacks. She's made a poor choice in the past regarding boyfriends/sexual relationships.

If the relationship with the birth father was good when she was 13, she'd still be with him now...she's not...
.

My goodness - she was 13 years old - of course she didn't make good decisions about men - she was 13 years old...she's in her 20's now. Cut her some slack!!!