[hotspice58]

shybear, just so you know: you may have to be the "bad" guy. The bio mom of my 2 boys just got married. I let them go even though I didn't think it was a good idea. My 11 yo wants to see her more than we do now (once a month). I told him it depended on him; I won't let them see her if they get upset and out of control. I have to watch out for their welfare.

[SchmennaLeigh]

Yes, the firstmom signed away her rights. Did she sign a contract with you saying no sleepovers? I'm sure she, herself, understands that a sleepover is not a reclaim of parenting status and that she will still remain, legally and at heart, "only" the firstmother. I don't think she is doing this to replace you. She's just merely excited about a new house.

[redribbonrose]

Shybear,

I don't blame you for being uncomfortable about it. It would make me feel odd too, very odd. Especially with not knowing the boyfriend all too well. Bmom can always sleep over at your house. The fact that she waited to askd your daughter this after you left the room seems sneaky to me. Did it feel sneaky to you?

[mom2justynsarah]

I am the queen of sensitivity. LOL! But in this case, it didn't sound as if your daughter's bmom meant any harm. However, I would tell her that as a rule you don't allow your daughter to go on sleepovers without a parent present.

Also, let her know your daughter is too young to be making these types of decisions. So future reference, please ask me and my husband first.

Don't make a big deal out of it though. I would just gently (but firmly) set these boundaries.

[manni28]

Shybear,

I don't blame you for being uncomfortable about it. It would make me feel odd too, very odd. Especially with not knowing the boyfriend all too well. Bmom can always sleep over at your house. The fact that she waited to askd your daughter this after you left the room seems sneaky to me. Did it feel sneaky to you?

I didn't get the "sneaky" feeling, I think she was so excited about the future ( new job and home) that she forgot her boundaries. She does need to be told in a nice way about making plans without consulting the parents ( which I think you have every right to be upset about). Like I said before speak to her and let it go. I’m quite sure that the bmom isn’t trying to reclaim the role she lost.

[lisa in venice]

Originally Posted by manni28

I didn't get the "sneaky" feeling, I think she was so excited about the future ( new job and home) that she forgot her boundaries. She does need to be told in a nice way about making plans without consulting the parents ( which I think you have every right to be upset about). Like I said before speak to her and let it go. I’m quite sure that the bmom isn’t trying to reclaim the role she lost.

That was the impression I got especially since shybear has not said that crossing bounderies is a common thing with this person. Just think she was excited and ASSUMED that it would be ok given the level of openness. Not saying she was right to assume but I don't thing she meant any harm.

lisa

[happygmom]

I would clarify with your child's birthmom that it is normal for adults to make sleep-over arrangments with the parents of young children and not directly with the children. If she were your child's aunt or adult cousin, I would have considered the conversation out of line and disrespectful of your role as Mom. Sounds as though she just not understand the role of parents.

Happy G'Ma

[KristineM]

You know I think she was out of line. She entrusted you to become the parents of this little one. As a parent, you should be given the common courtsey of being asked if it would be okay for a sleep-over. This is your decision to make.

[shy_bear]

I am not thinking in any way that she is trying to undermine my authority as a mom or reclaim my daughter. I am not sure what led her to ask my duaghter this; we have always had her at our home. We use to live in another state and she would come to us. Even when M was little it was always at our home and I am not starting now with changing that. She has never been "sneaky" in the past that would make me think she is behaving that way now. I know she is excited about her future and I am so happy that she was able to go on to college and pursue her dreams. I sometimes feel like the divorced parent. Birthmom comes around bringing gifts, playing games, and just being the all around fun one and then I am here to set the rules. I know that is my "thing" and has nothing to do with my daughter and that is why we have always kept the relationship open, but her asking M about spending the night rubbed me wrong b/c it puts me in that position again.

[numbr1dbcksfan]

What if you took Lisa's idea and had her baby sit both kids for you guys. I assume she isnt 'young' if she went through college already....

I dont know. Im not sure she was 'out of line'... I would probably bring it up in a matter of fact manner.. like .. So I hear that you and M were talking about having a sleepover sometime...

and see where it goes.

[mommieof2cuties]

From a bmom's point of view. Every relationship is different. My Bdaughter gets to see me and stay with us usually for a long weekend and a week or so during the summer. But we have a very open relationship and I am married with other children. I did however have to work very hard at this relationship...and the amom had to give and take just like I did to make it work for the daughter we both love. As bdaughter has gotten older her alone visits with me went from one night to long weekends to one week during the summer. Her borther who is also adopt via another bmom in a closed adoption got to come a few weeks ago with my bdaught for a long weekend. It was extra fun for us...and I would also allow my children to when older to go visit my bdaughters aparents

Ok...I have to say however in your case that it sounds like your Bmom is so happy that her life is coming together...a house how wonderful and special and I am sure she just wants to spread that to her bdaughter M I understand you issue with boyfriend.... but remember not everyone is bad...and life is built on trust. Maybe you can spend more time together before you say yes or no about a sleepover... also if I am correct she is not even in a house yet... that could be a few more months, or even years down the road... don't worry yourself about it....I am like I said before sure she is just so happy that her life is finally coming together and she is just so happy

Also in life sometimes we say things without think...I am sure you have also in your life. Cut Bmom some slack....and stop worring unless you have not told us the entire store...

God Bless,
Summer

[happygmom]

Originally Posted by mommieof2cuties

Also in life sometimes we say things without think...I am sure you have also in your life. Cut Bmom some slack....and stop worring unless you have not told us the entire store...

God Bless,
Summer

I'm with Summer on this. I think that it is immaturity on bmom's part and lack of understanding of what the roles and responsibilites of a parent are, i.e., you talk to Mom first before you talk to a young child about staying over night.

As your child gets older, I think that you will find that you will need to assert your role as Mom with a lot of people (esp, peers! ), bmom is no different than anyone else. The key is to do it diplomatically so that relationships stay intact.

Happy G'Ma

[alwaysus]

She should have come to you first. Even with my kids, I have a rule, you ask me FIRST before planning any type of sleepover, get together etc...

I agree with you 100% about not knowing her boyfirend and being uncomfortable about that. I have to know the whole family before my kids have a sleep over anywhere. My son was going to sleep at his best friends house, it was all set up, until I learned that the teen aged brother had a huge collection of guns. ( I am not anti gun, I just don't think a teenager needs a dozen of them in his room) SO we decided no sleepover and had his friend come over here instead.

And just for the record, if you are uncomfortable with the sleep over, you don't need a reason to justify it. You are the childs legal parent and really don't have to explain yourself to anyone.....

[Lylac]

I agree with mamabee

[Leigh131313]

I don't wish to get into the discussion on whats appropriate or not for a birthparent....that is going to be different for each and every family.

Clearly in your case, sleep overs are not something that you are comfortable. I see no reason to apologize for this, this is the way it is in your family.

This is how I would handle the situation (assuming you are seeking advice )

I would speak to the bmom and say that you are not comfortable with the idea of sleep overs, and ask her not to invite your daughter without speaking to you first.

I would then leave it unless your daughter mentions it to you. At which time you can discuss it with her, and decide if you still feel the same way.

I can understand why this may be beyond what you are comfortable with.


Leigh