[manni28]

However, what about that child and their relationship with their birthfamily?

Tara,

Each side has a different perceptive/priority and like I said, I'm not an amom yet, but my family is my top priority-not the extended family.

[taramayrn]

I understand that, just asking a question as I believe that a healthy relationship with birthfamily can be and should be made a priority in a child's life.

[happygmom]

Originally Posted by taramayrn

To me, bottom line still is that life isn't fair and as a parent it is your job to help your children cope with the unfairness of life in healthy ways.

Here, here! Thank you, thank you, thank you! I supervise about 90 professional employees. The least productive ones are those who whine about things not "being fair". On bad days, I want to hunt down their parents for not teaching them that there is no greater being who guarantees fairness. Sometimes you give more and sometimes you get more.

Did I splinter this thread again - sorry?!

Happy G'Ma

[taramayrn]

Originally Posted by happygmom

On bad days, I want to hunt down their parents for not teaching them that there is no greater being who guarantees fairness. Sometimes you give more and sometimes you get more.

Unfortunately I had to deal with alot of disappointments in my childhood at the hands of my dad - at the beginning my mom sheltered me from these (wouldn't tell me dad was coming or sending me something because he often wouldn't show up) but as time went on she realized she wasn't doing me any favors. I was raised to be proactive when life isn't fair. So dad didn't do what he said he would or my brother got to do something I wanted to do. Yeah it was tough and I'm sure my mom did a little extra cuddling, etc at those times, but she never said to my brother "sorry you can't go on your trip because your sister is sad that she can't go". I know I'm simplifying the situation but it's related. I know some don't like it, but frankly and truly, life isn't fair.

[merrill1277]

Originally Posted by manni28

If one is hurting because there’s no contact from the bfamily and the other child does have contact, it could lead to feelings of unworthiness and jealousy.

In coming from different perspectives as you mentioned, Manni, I can see this may be how you were relating to the situation, and it is a concern. I can see the other side of it too, as already discussed, but this helps me to see yours as well. There are no easy answers. Ultimately of course its up to the parent in what they decide to do, but hopefully insight is gleaned in these discussions by some having to make such determinations.

Merrill

[numbr1dbcksfan]

Well I think it is up to the parents to talk about it with the child and make sure he or she knows that the issue isnt with him or her.

Not having visits even if the other isnt either can still lead to these feelings. Even having visits can.

I think that really ties into the personality of the child and parents (more the child), more than the actually visitation situation.

[manni28]

Merill:

Yes, it's a"tricky" situtation but as a parent, the child and the dymanics of the family come first.

[merrill1277]

Originally Posted by manni28

Merill:

Originally Posted by manni28

Yes, it's a"tricky" situtation but as a parent, the child and the dymanics of the family come first.

True Manni, but some OA parents will include the birth parents within those dynamics for the child, perhaps when they're already confident within their own family dynamics. They can also talk to the child hopefully getting to the heart of the child's feelings to know how its affecting them, then depending on that, they may then feel more comfortable working through some of the challenging situations first, instead of cutting off contact as first option. It really all depends on the individuals involved and the family.
Merrill