[kate298]

Ok all this is some what relative, so here it goes.... Ok I am thinking about becoming a single parent via sperm donor.... I have a accointance (spelling?) that might donate for me.... heres the thing.... he wouldn't be deemed a "good Example" for the child, with him being a bit wild himself... is it necessary to tell the child that Bdad is his dad? He might want to end up seeing his son/daughter would it be ok if to referred to him as "uncle so-in-so" or mommys friend insted of dad? Or do you really need to tell the truth... this would only be to benefite the child if he were to chose not to see him much. What do you think?

[Singlemom619]

I thought about taking the same path for a few years. I ended up not doing it BUT that's not to say I wouldn't do it later in life if I never get married

My plan was to not tell my child until they asked. THEN I'd share the "how a baby is made" speal - and just say that someone helped my egg out... When my child was old enough to REALLY understand I would be honest and tell him/her. But I'd make it clear that it was someone helping me to have a child by donating sperm - NOT someone that didn't want to be dad, or that I didn't want around, or anything like that.

Not sure if that helps.

[hopefulamom]

This is simply my opinion and not meant to have a judgemental tone. I think that a child deserves to know the truth about where they came from. I mean obviously it will be hard to explain when they are younger, but I think that you should handle it similar to the way adoptive parents usually do it. Start from a very young age and simply call him your child's birthfather and refer to him as mommy's friend. Use age appropriate terminology and when they get older, they will understand and won't think it's that big of a deal.


If you're worried about him not being a good example, then I think that you should confront that issue now (you probably already have) with your friend. He should know that if you guys agree to this then he could possibly jeapordize seeing the child due to his actions/behavior (if they are really that detrimental...not sure exactly what this guy does).

Telling the child lies is not fair to you or your child and will only cause heartbreak in the end!

[aspenhall]

I think a person of capable age, DESERVES to own their WHOLE story. You can always refer to him as a bdad instead of DAD. Like, This is Bryan...Bryan your bdad is coming over.

Never is it ok to lie, you MAY choose to simply say, I don't think you are ready to hear that yet, I will tell you when you can understand it all, it's very complicated and you will just get confused.

[mommy3]

I do agree that our children deserve their full story. With my first child, I was an intentionally single mom and the bfather did not plan on parenting. He stayed in the loop through my pregnancy and birth with my beautiful oldest dd. I was always open with him about the fact that he was the bf, even thought he could be a real pain in the butt at times, even during my pg, very self-centered, etc., which I could have anticipated. He is, however, very intelligent, artistic and nice looking still, which is great for my dd's genes . Within 2 years of her birth, with him "never wanting to parent" and "only wanting to see her periodically", he wanted to be very involved, was getting married, yuck. I couldn't stand his new wife, so you can see the picture. NO MATTER WHAT, it was worth it because this was my only successful pg out of 6 and my dd is simply wonderful. He's stayed in her life (but his wife didn't -- she was so shallow, ha) and hasn't been a great parent role model but has been a great dad to her, along with her other 3 sibs in their family. Long story short, and why I shared all this, my dd is very glad that I was always up front with her and told her the whole truth. She has a full, centered psyche on who she is, that she was wanted and loved prior to conception and that she is a deserving, cared for young woman. If you go this route, my advice is to always tell the truth to your child and pick a bfather you wouldn't mind being in your child's life. Children deserve to know their birthparents, IMHO. susan

[mom2justynsarah]

If you go through with it, please let your child know the truth. I am an adoptive mom. My daughter is only 16 months now. But she will always know the truth about her adoption.

How does the potential sperm donor feel about the situation?

[lisa in venice]

Hope this doesn't sound too hostile but why woud you choose a donor that you would be embarressed to tell your child about?

lisa

[kate298]

Thanks for the replies everyone..... It's not that I would be embarrassed to tell him/her about his BDad it's just that he isn't real dependable, so I wouldn't want them getting their hopes up about Bdad being around all the time if they wanted to see him. He has a opinion about changing his mind all the time.... so if my child got attached to him, I wouldn't want him to bail and child to wonder where daddy is? Does he not love me if he dosn't want to see me? I just would find myself being protective and wanted him/her to be sheltered to if daddy decides when he/she's like 5 that he dosn't want to be involved any more. how would I handle that?

[lisa in venice]

OH!! Then what I would suggest is to do whatmost single moms by choice that I know do: Make sure your chidl has a "father figure" who IS dependable. Your dad, your brother's your best friend's dh etc. A guy who is going to be in your life consistantly as a role model. I think kids need that more than a relationship with a distant bio-parent. I do believe they need to know who their bio-parents are and a relationship is great but if taht parent is not going to be around and dependable then you need to find that in someone else.

lisa

[kate298]

Lisa, I would be very proud if he was my babys father, it's just that for him when the going gets tough or he's in a situation he dosn't like his first thought it to bail on it.... and it's just something I've seen him do before so I would be a bit concerned that he would have no problem doing it again

[aspenhall]

Perhaps he would beneifit from some child rearing books. Maybe if you established a schedule of at LEAST once (week, month year) visits. And get a commitment inwriting. Basically, you he may just not fully grasp the reprocussions of his actions (to a child)

Would it be plausible to get him to sign a TPR? Then he doesn't have to visit and you can control contact easier. My dd is 5 and her bmom is ramdom in the letters/pics (no calls/visits yet) and DD knows that she writes when she can. By the same token I don't say something that could fallthru "When are we gonan visit S?? Well, if I told you when I thought we may, and then it didn't happen, that would make me a liar and I'm not. When I know for SURE I'll tell you"

Also I avoid that dissapointment (hers) by not allowing direct contact yet. And explaining that bmom's heart isn't very tough right now. DD has empathy (rare) and can see how sometimes the choices she makes are the only ones bmom feels she can make. DD has understood (at 5 yrs old) that it doesn't have anything to do with HER, when bmom takes a long time to write. She feels love when she does and understanding/empathy when she doesn't
She knows "having 2 families is kinda hard sometimes, but we all love each other and thats what counts" She explains it that way to me and others who ask.

[ChristieS]

Originally Posted by kate298

Lisa, I would be very proud if he was my babys father, it's just that for him when the going gets tough or he's in a situation he dosn't like his first thought it to bail on it.... and it's just something I've seen him do before so I would be a bit concerned that he would have no problem doing it again

My husband was in and out for the first 3 years of our child's life - in the National Guard and kept getting called out. He was gone when my son was born, and when I brought him home from the hospital. Then at 8 months he left again for several months, well - you get the picture.

This was all VERY hard on my son. Even at 8 months he would scream and cry for his Daddy. Each time Daddy came and then went out again it was awful. As he grew he was finally able to understand that Daddy was in the Army and we put up a huge atlas, and bought a globe, so he could "see" where his father was. That helped some, but it was always heartbreaking. (Add to that Mommy's stress and the birth mother keeping us in court - well, me in court - and we had a rough go for a while.

What I am trying to say is that children can become bonded and attached and truly suffer when Daddy is in and out. BUT....
Now DH is finally home and it was an adjustment, but once our son realized Daddy was not going back to the Army (he retired) he settled down some. Now, 10 months later, he doesn't show any problems, though he does still ask, say if Daddy goes to the store, if Daddy is going back to the Army and if he will come home.

Didn't mean to go on so long - just want you to get a picture of what it has been like for my son. It can be hard on a child, but we did get through it. I was honest with him the whole time (well, not about things like his Daddy could get killed, or that his Daddy was driving a gun trcuk) - honest about the things appropriate to age level while still protecting him.

I think one of the most important things for my child during this time was my Daddy (his PaPa) really stepped up to the plate and became like a father to him. I don't know how we would have made it without my parents. My Dad served as a great father-figure in my DH absence. Looking back that was the best thing for my child. My Daddy had never even changed our diapers, but he was retired and he did EVERYTHING for my son.

I hope this was not too long and I hope it is helpful for you. Congratulations!