[AdelleF]

Hello,

First of all, I am new to this site and if there is a more suitable forum I should be posting this message under, please let me know! I have a rather unusual situation and would really appreciate any information or suggestions from you guys. This whole thing might sound like a soap opera to some of you, and I entirely agree! Although I myself am more like an innocent bystander and didn't contribute to the soap opera-ness of it all!

First I'll give you a bit of background info, but I will try to be as brief as possible (because it is actually such a mess, I could probably write a book about it!):
My boyfriend and I had been together for a couple yrs, but 'temporarily' broke up (various reasons) last year. We saw other people, but kept in close touch with each other. During this time, he was w/ somebody for a couple months before deciding to end it. But right as he was making that decision, she got pregnant (unbeknownst to him) – long story short, we (his family, me, my family) all believe that she deceived him by saying she was on birth control and quite possibly got pregnant on purpose when she sensed he might break up with her. Right before she announced to him that she was pregnant (when he still had no clue), him and I had been talking about reconciling, and thats when he was telling me that he was in fact about to break up with her. Then she shocked him with the pregnancy information. He is a rather religious person, and entirely against abortion normally. I'm not so religious, but him and I had discussed (in the past) that if we had an ‘accident’ and got pregnant, that we would get married, have the baby, and be a family. Neither of us felt ‘iffy’ about this. But when he found out this girl was pregnant, he actually (to my and everybody else’s utter shock) suggested that she get an abortion, but she refused. She probably figured the baby would be a surefire way for her to “keep” him (his mother thinks this is why she got pregnant, because she actually has two(!) other kids, but lied about it to him at first as we later found out!).

Him and I put a halt on our immediate ‘getting back together’ plans once this news surfaced. In fact, I even told him that I would understand if we had to nix the idea completely given the circumstances, or if he chose to marry this girl since they are about to have a child together. But not only has he told me, but also his own mother (to whom I am extremely close) that he doesn’t want to marry this girl for various reasons: he doesn’t love her apparently and he strongly feels she deceived him, amongst other things.
On a side note, the girl hates me, for lack of a better term! I have never done anything to her (never even met her in person, I live in a different state) but she knows who I am and feels this strong malice towards me purely because I exist (she’s gone as far as to even call me behind his back and proceeded to be quite rude to me, at which point I lied and said I had to go to a meeting just to get off the phone!). I do understand her feelings, but I keep thinking, how is any of this my 'fault'? She doesn’t realize the reasons he doesn’t want to be with her or marry her do not revolve around me though. She probably doesn’t even realize that I actually suggested that he stay with her! Out of concern for the baby and this girl’s emotional situation (a pregnant mother’s psychological state actually affects the development of the child in utero!) I suggested to him that even if he doesn’t want to marry her, he should “stay” (stick around, be there for her) with this girl at least until she gives birth. Not ‘pretend’ he wants to be with her (she probably got the hint when he told her they wouldn't get married), but I suggested he "stay" w/ her because I do not want her to feel like she has to compete with me for his attention during this critical period (her pregnancy). I have studied child development and psychology – believe it or not, fetuses can sense *tone* in utero too! So if you are yelling and fighting, the baby hears and can differentiate that from soft conversation or melodic music ... and this can negatively affect neurological development. Amazing but true! So they are in theory still ‘together’ although there is no actual relationship, just the future baby now. He is a very stand-up guy, and regardless of what happens, he would never abandon this child (financially or emotionally), and would never just leave her to deal with the situation on her own once the child is born. She apparently once mentioned the idea of adoption (perhaps when he mentioned the abortion idea), but he couldn’t bear the thought of having a child out there somewhere whose life he couldn’t be a part of, so he refused that idea just like she refused the abortion.

Now for my question (and some facts about myself, my (ex)boyfriend, and this girl which you might need to know before answering the question):
- Once the baby is born, would it be possible for me to adopt the child (i.e. take over custody from the birth mother—I will explain why in a moment) and raise him/her with my (ex)boyfriend, even if we were to not get married until later (we had always imagined doing this after we were both done w/ grad school, not before). OR, would it be possible for him to gain full custody now as a single un-married father, and for me to adopt the baby once we do get married later?

But before you answer, some info about the three of us (especially about her and why I would even suggest the idea of taking custody away from her):
* We’re all in our early/mid 20-s, and that’s about the only thing we have in common, lol.

* My (ex)boyfriend (I keep writing it like this, because he technically is my ex, but we intend to be together once the baby is born, which is when we can sit the girl down and explain that we will continue to be there for her and the baby): he has a college degree from a Top-25 university; he works part-time and is taking pre-req classes for grad school; he doesn’t have any money ‘saved’ (he’s still a student, and we both have loans to be paid off); his parent is not well-off by any means but would happily help raise the child (in terms of putting in time & effort, etc); he has minimal experience w/ children, and none with babies, couldn't change a diaper to save his life, lol -- but he's a quick learner!; he would probably have to drop everything and put grad school on the back-burner if he raises this child ‘with’ this girl, because she expects to be fully supported and (because …)

* She: doesn’t have a job and hasn’t had one for 5+ months (even though she is still not even 6 months pregnant), she doesn’t sound like she intends to work once the baby is born (she expects him to take care of her and the baby on his own, even thought he is in school, and even though the pregnancy was unintended and unwanted, and possibly planned on purpose by her); she dropped out of high school years ago (she may now have a GED but I’m not certain); her family/parents are on welfare so they are not able to financially help/support her any more than they already do and I think she herself gets some kind of partial welfare support now (I’m not familiar with the welfare process so I don’t know the specifics); she is 23 and has TWO other kids (5-ish & 7-ish), neither of which she takes care of (her parents apparently raise them, and she takes them on the weekends? We all have vague information on this since she has lied a lot about herself); her two children are from different fathers and nobody knows where one of them is (the other is ‘around’ from time to time, but vanishes the minute it comes to financial support); in general she has been nothing but deceitful, and is clearly not too responsible (not to say my 'ex'boyfriend wasn't irresponsible too, he was - yet it is not entirely fair that she lied to him about being on birth control) – but either way, I’d assume a girl would be *really* careful about getting pregnant a 3rd time when you have no job, no degree, no financial support, and no ‘plan’ whatsoever for your own future or the future of the two children you already have, let alone a 3rd.

* Myself: I have a college degree from a top-25 university (same one as my boyfriend) and will be heading to grad school in a year or two after getting some more work and research experience; I have no children (or any other skeletons in my closet for that matter, just lots of school loans to be paid off! lol); I don’t have any money saved either (but we’ve only been done w/ college for 1.5yrs yet); I have a full-time job; I would be willing to relocate (I work in a high-demand field anyway) and could probably get an equally well-paying job wherever I go -- that’s actually why I even mentioned specifically that we went to a “top-25” school – not to sound like a snob (I don't see myself as such; I worked my own way thru college w/ 2 jobs, grants, and loans! My boyfriend got thru college similarly) but I was trying to make the point that with degrees from our alma mater and esp in our field, we are lucky enough to have employers competing over us usually. So as far as ‘future job prospects’ go, even if my boyfriend and I were currently not working full time and in grad-school, Child & Family Services would be able to tell that we’d have no problem finding secure and well-paying employment in the near future. I also have extensive experience with children (not just 'babysitting' but i actually helped raise my younger cousins in the past) – basically as much experience as a person can w/o actually having children of her own.

This is already very long, I apologize! But I just want to clarify something else quickly. I know the tone of what I’ve written hints at the fact that I don’t think very highly of this girl! I can’t deny that there is perhaps an emotional factor to this as well (i.e. I dislike that she presumably tricked him into this situation), however, I do want to make sure everybody understands that I do *not* look down on her for being poor financially. I admit I have never had to live on welfare, but neither did I grow up rich at all myself (not even close!). I do not look down on her for being less educated either (she probably had different opportunities/circumstances than I). Those two factors ($ and education), I mentioned because, while they do *not* determine if a person can be a good parent, the reality is that they are legitimate factors in determining how well a child can be provided for. On the other hand, what *does* have bearing on how well of a parent one can be, is in my opinion their personality, dependability and maturity, among other things – and I think she would be an un-fit mother, because she has been very deceitful, she is not demonstrating what a ‘great’ mother she is even with the two children she already has, she is not making any future plans or taking the situation that seriously, etc. So this is why I even considered the suggestion of taking over custody from her and adopting the soon-to-be born child myself (or, for my boyfriend to have full custody).
I love my boyfriend very much, and (odd as this may sound) I have already started developing a strong emotional attachment to this baby that is about to be born soon, despite living far from them. I don't know, that probably sounds utterly ridiculous to some of you! I'm not even sure how to describe it?! But I get these strange maternal feelings whenever the baby is even mentioned ... So much so that, granted we'd be getting back together, I –without an ounce of doubt-- would really love to help raise the baby together w/ him even w/o being married yet (and even if the custody situation is still up in the air). That also includes helping to support the baby financially -- because once we're together, this time it would be for good (hence, no 'my' money/ 'his' money dichotomy). And just to clarify, if/when we get back together, we already know marriage would be in our future. Even if this girl still retains full/partial custody of the child; I am ok with that too. I just think it would be the healthiest option for the baby to be w/ us. But I have never given him a "you/we get full custody or you lose me" ultimatum, that's not how I feel anyway. Where they live right now, there aren’t any opportunities for him to attend grad school (i.e. no good schools nearby), so he will most likely be moving quite far away anyway, this was the plan even before the baby came into the picture – and would most likely move to where I currently am, because I live in a very academically-thriving region. If this is the case, and if he cannot get full custody, the baby would probably have to stay back there w/ the mother, which would be a shame since I am clearly willing (and actually wanting) to have the baby to come with him and be with us. Not having full custody might even cause him to have to stay behind and seriously postpone his grad-school plans, which we all hope will not be the case. But since this baby is her only 'hook' on him so-to-speak, it is rather doubtful that she would just give up custody/parental rights willingly. The fact that she is irked by my sheer existence doesn’t help either! She seems like the type of person that would use this baby as an excuse to get revenge for him not marrying her and choosing to get back together with me instead. Ironically, being with her those couple months is actually the main reason it hit him like a brick that he couldn't imagine being with anybody else and just had to win me back. So she basically sent him running back to me, lol, but of course it would be mean and clearly unnecessary for her to ever know that. I just think it's ironic.

So once again, my question is, how likely is it for us to get joint-custody OR for my boyfriend to win full legal custody of the child. Are the things I’ve mentioned grounds for claiming that she would be an unfit mother? (but that's not to say I would ever try to shut her out of the child’s life completely, she’d be more than welcome to come and visit/spend time w/ the child whenever she wants, granted that is ok w/ the father, my boyfriend). Secondly, how likely (if at all possible) is it for me to adopt the baby w/o being married yet (have joint custody). I feel utterly ridiculous for giving this as an example, but for instance, how the heck did Brad Pitt adopt Angelina Jolie’s kids/babies w/o them being married?! (ok, you can laugh at me for using that example, I deserve it, lol).

I know it’s a rather far-fetched situation (I did warn you it was like a soap opera!) but if anybody is in a vaguely similar one, and/or has any knowledge of such circumstances …. I’d appreciate any info or suggestions!

Thank You~
Adelle

[ess922]

Adelle,

You might get more answers on the step-parent adoption board as this is the scenario that most closely resembles yours. In my limited knowledge, the baby's mother would have to terminate her parental rights to the baby AND you and the baby's father would have to be married in order for you to adopt the baby.

As far as your bf getting custody of the baby, that is between him and the baby's mother to work out either on their own if possible, or through the appropriate legal channels if necessary.

I understood from reading what you wrote that there are a lot of complicated feelings here for you and bf. Maybe some counseling would help all of you come to resolution on this for the child's sake. Any sense of bitterness or discomfort between you, bf, and the baby's mother will be palpable to the child if its not dealt with.

Good luck!

[Ians mom]

It sounds like joint custody would not be too difficult, if he is the bio father. Living in different states would be a difficulty though.
In my experience having financial difficulties and/or no college education would not be a reason for her to lose her child. If her parents have her other 2 children there is a possibility that social services could be involved with the family. There is also a possibility that her family is planning on raising this baby with its siblings.

In short, the bio dad has parental rights to the baby after it is born but I dont see how you would have any rights to it unless you are married to the father.

Good luck with all of this. You are right about it sounding a bit like a soap opera, but unfortunately that is becoming the norm.