[wannabamom]

situation??????? I'm so drained, emotionally, physically, etc....... The problem I have this time with my DH!!!!! --Although he's a very nice man, I'm so frustrated because I feel he's irresponsible in the littlest of things, but they matter a lot to me!!!!!- Like today, for example- We had to go out to someone's place for a potluck. In the morning after both DH and I did some errands, shopping, I rushed back, cooked all because he'd agreed to this potluck without confirming with me!!!!!!-- Then, just as we were going out, I noticed that he'd left the light on, the garage door open and this was when we came back from shopping!!!!!-- [img]/images/smilies/wallmad.gif[/img][img]/images/smilies/wallmad.gif[/img][img]/images/smilies/wallmad.gif[/img] And this was after 2.5-3 hours when we were going out, I noticed this!!!!!-- When I lost my cool, because this is a regular thing, he even leaves the front door open when we comes in and then shrugs it off!!!!!!-- I can't seem to find a solution for this problem!!!!!!-- I can't trust him to take care of me!!!!!-- And we're adopting!!!!!1-- But, this is only in little things, still, it kind of makes me feel mad!!!![img]/images/smilies/mad.gif[/img] What do I do???? I came back in, didn't go to the pot luck, and DH didnt even come for a long time to console me!!!!-- But it's too late now.... to go for the pot luck!!!!-- I'm crying my heart out because I feel so bad for everyone!!!!!!!!-- [img]/images/smilies/frown.gif[/img] I'm sorry this is long, but I just needed to vent to my friends!!! This seems sort of funny if you look at it, but it's definitely not to a paranoid, careful person like me!!!!!

Thanks for reading, [img]/images/smilies/11.gif[/img]

[Linny]

Ahhh, men! You can't live with 'em....you can't live without 'em!!!!!

But, seriously, I can understand your frustration in all of this. This IS an important matter, if, after you bring home a baby, he continues with 'not paying attention to detail in important things'.
First, I think you did wisely in not going to the pot luck. My feeling would be: "Since you did not consult with me before commiting to this, I will not take time to cook." A couple of times if this happens, and surely dh will get the message.

Secondly, have you told him how this makes you feel whenever he 'forgets' things like this? It's not just the 'forgetting'.....it seems to me that it's the inconsideration he seems to have. Now, in his defense, maybe he's a little ADHD and simply doesn't think about these details (a lot of men do not). And, maybe he doesn't realize how important some of this stuff is in the long run---especially to you. But, that's where the talking and such comes in.
Express to him that you're concerned when a baby comes into the family, he'll not concern himself with details that could make the difference between a safe child and a horrific accident.

I don't know how long you've been married, but after having been with dh for over 30yrs (and adopting seven times)......I've come to realize that sometimes his 'unconcern' for simple things........isn't that big of a deal---even though it's something that drives me crazy. BUT.....if the 'unconcern' your dh is having IS not dealing with the 'big things'....then you definately need to talk.
My guess is that he doesn't realize how much this affects you; and, after you have serious discussions, things may be a little clearer for both of you.....

Just my two-cents......

Sincerely,

Linny

[wannabamom]

Hi Linny,
Thanks for your post!!!!!! I have been so overwrought with so many things, IF, adoption process now that lately, it's been so hectic and I get so mad at little things!!!!! But it's so true, the "men" issue!!!!!-- He is otherwise careful, like if I get hurt, etc... he takes care of me, even prepares and brings me food, etc... but it's these "leaving lights on" things that make me soooooo irritated!!!!!-- I've told him, but it really doesn't do any good, because he says he'll do it and then Not!!!!-- He can't help it, it seems!!!-- It doesn't even register with him, until I point it out to him!!-- See, the problem is, my family is very cautious almost about everything, and his is not--- So, there lies the problem. But, now, I'll wait for the make-up time although I'm not going to be able to forget this for a long time, and I'll sulk!!!!!!!-- Thanks for responding!!!!-- It's such a gloomy, rainy day today, and I feel so bad!!!!!!-- Unfortunately, I already prepared the food for the pot-luck, and then the fight happened, - no sense in wasting good food, right??, ha, ha. But, now I told DH to go and give it to them and come- because I slaved over it for so long!!!!!!---

Take care,

[ChristieS]

Originally Posted by Linny

Ahhh, men! You can't live with 'em....you can't live without 'em!!!!!

Yep - that says it all. If it helps any I think most couples go through things like this - really annoying habits that make the spouse just want to scream.

In my case it is my husband always saying he'll fix this or do that and then never would get around to it. I worried too over what would happen when we adopted - would he "not get around to it yet" changing diapers and such.

Good news is my DH really became a better person and stood up to the challenge of raising a child like I never thought he would. I discovered someone I didn't know.

While he still does some crazy, annoying things, he never puts off anything that could hurt our child (i.e., plugs in the outlets) and the other things (i.e., window blinds) I just pay someone to do. He also has exhibited a personality I never knew with our child. He is very careful where our son is involved.

I think we have to realize that there are SOME things they will never change and learn to deal with those ourselves - and other ways that you will probably be amazed at when ababy gets here.

I do know it is not worth the same fight over and over, year after year - those are things that probably won't change - except as in my case anything which the baby needed him to change for he did. I was truly amazed. The other things I refuse to keep fighting about and just accept that he will always just be that way.

Also remember that there are probably some things you do that drive him just as crazy. Maybe you could start a conversation by asking him about those before going into his - and try and reach a compromise.

Again, well said - Ahhh, men! You can't live with 'em....you can't live without 'em!!!!!

Good luck!

Christie S.

[NJNative]

I would seriously consider having your husband evaluated for ADHD. I'm not saying that to be sarcastic or silly. The things you are describing are just the kind of things people with ADHD do all the time -- and I'd know because my son is ADHD.

Many adults have the condition but were never diagnosed as children, especially those with the inattentive type.

Just a thought. You might want to consider reading some information on adult ADHD.

Robin

[sugarbabysmommy]

My husband also leaves the garage door open, the side door unlocked, the front door unlocked, car doors unlocked, the back door unlocked... so I'm always going around to each door every night and checking locks. He doesn't have ADHD. He has a ten to eleven hour work day in which he multitasks constantly, heavy multitasking has been shown to lead to memory issues and burn out, and he doesn't feel unsafe in life in general so these things just don't rank very high for him.

It makes me nuts that he does these things, leaving the lights on I don't care about, that's not a safety issue, if anything I'd rather he leave the lights on then it might look like we're home when he leaves the doors unlocked. He has gotten better, and what worked was to tell him that his behavior made me feel unsafe. I am home with our child all day and he was making me unsafe in our own home, the one place we should feel and be safest. It bothered him to know he was making me feel unsafe.

When you grow up differently it's tough. My home was broken into as a child, three times, my mother drilled it into me to check the doors, my husband grew up in the burbs where nothing ever happened. It really hit home when a neighbors a block away were broken into when they were home in the garage... and it's the very same layout as our house.

good luck, it sounds like you feel vulnerable in general and it all came to head for you.