[ContactChar]

Before beginning, let me just say that I feel like a terrible person for even having this dilemma, but I really don't know what to do!

After the grief of infertility treatments and 2 failed placements, I finally met a potential birthmother who really seemed perfect for me (I am working both independently and with an agency, and I met her on my own). We clicked immediately, and I am looking forward to a great pre-birth relationship and an open (with visits) relationship after the baby is born. The one problem is that, after 2 weeks, she still has not contacted an attorney. (My attorney recommended someone for her, and I will pay for her representation). I don't know if she is delaying because (1) it's not a priority/she's too busy--she has 3 other kids, (2) she doesn't feel any urgency because she's not due until August, or (3) contacting the lawyer is a sign of commitment, and she's not ready for that step yet. I don't want to keep bugging her about it because, especially if the reason is (3), I don't want to pressure her to make a decision she's not ready to make.

In the meantime, my agency called this week to tell me that they want to present my profile to another prospective birthmother. Her baby is due at the end of May. There's no guarantee that the mom will select me, but if she does, I am obligated to work with her and not the first woman. The social worker from the agency basically said that she wouldn't recommend waiting around for someone who's not due until August, because there's a good chance she'll change her mind. Although I initially took exception to her statement, I realize I really don't know what's going on with the August mom. If she had already contacted the lawyer, I'd feel a lot more confident, but since she hasn't. . . Of course, with either choice, the mom could decide to parent at any time.

One minute I lean towards allowing the agency to show my profile, and the next minute I think absolutely not. I guess my question is: if I decide to work with the agency mom, how devastating will that be to the August mom? She seemed relieved to have the task of finding a family out of the way. Another question: is there a way to find out why she hasn't contacted the lawyer without putting pressure on her?

Any advice?

[ess922]

Hi,

As an adoptive mom, I can SO appreciate what difficult dilemna this must be for you!

A few questions poppped to mind as I read your post:

Has the pbmom you met on your own been in touch with your atty at all? The reason I ask is this (and maybe your atty does things differently), we are matched with someone due in late May and she has been working with OUR atty all along. Just in the past few weeks has our atty gotten her in touch with the atty who will actually be representing her...

Has the pbmom provided proof of pg? Is she getting prenatal care? Have you met her? Sorry to be cynical, but with all the awful scams out there today, do you have enough information about her to feel comfortable that she is for real?

I don't think there's a way to ask the pbmom why she has not contacted the atty that would not feel like pressure to her. Its very hard for you, I know. But for her, especially if she's feeling relieved as you said, to have found a family, dealing with the logistics might not be something she's up for just now...

In terms of the agency situation... if their pbmom selects you, you don't have a say in whether or not you match with her? there is no match meeting? I would be concerned about this because you say that with the pbmom you found on your own you are very comfortable with the relationship and plan full openness after the birth. How do you know you'd feel that way about this pbmom? How do you know you are compatible in terms of what you each want in terms of openness? It is a lifelong relationship and you both need to feel comfortable.

We have full openness with our 1st child's bmom so I know how much goes into the relationship...

It could be fine to have your profile shown to the agency pbmom as long as you have some say as to what happens if she does choose you.

Finally, I'd ask yourself, would/could you consider adopting both children. I know that might seem ridiculous at first thought, but I know of a bunch of families who have done just that and the children are only a few months apart. If the agency pbmom chooses you and you are comfortable with her, could you see asking the other pbmom how she'd feel if you adopted both children?

There's a lot to consider here! Good luck with whatever you decide! Feel free to PM if you want someone to 'talk' to about this further.

And please update to let us know what happens. All the best, Ellie

[familyforever]

I would let the agency show your profile. The bmom from the agency may not pick you or the August bmom may change your mind. I think with adoption you can't put all your eggs in one basket. You never know what can happen with either bmom.

I agree that I would also consider adopting both babies if you can. Depending on what state you live in, and kindergarten deadlines they may be in different grades in school anyway.

[ContactChar]

I would LOVE to adopt both, but my agency doesn't allow it. Believe me, I've already done the math-- I have to have 3 postplacement visits in 6 months before I can finalize the first adoption. I would hate to jeopardize finalization with one in order to try to adopt the other.

With my agency, I don't have a lot of say once a pbmom selects me. As long as she meets my written criteria, it's pretty much a done deal. There is a match meeting, but it's done post-selection.

The August mom has not contacted my lawyer. In my state, the pbmom can't speak with my lawyer and I can't speak with hers (except, of course, to send the fee!). I did meet with her, and she certainly LOOKED pregnant, but I haven't seen any medical report. I don't think she's a scammer, but (unfortunately) I've been wrong before, so who knows?

Thanks for your responses.

[ess922]

It sounds like your agency is putting a lot of pressure and constraints on you. Are their rules comfortable for you?

Do you know enough about the pbmom they want to present you to - to make you feel comfortable working with her if she does select you? I believe you that they would enforce their policy but can't believe (as in, I think its awful) that the agency would not allow you a say in the match meeting to determine if you and the pbmom are a good fit. The word "match" usually involves mutuality and in this case, with a child at stake and a lifelong relationship between you and the pbmom it seems cruel to all parties to make you choose one another based on "paper" compatibility. Just my .02 cents.

Neither match is a sure thing. But I think your agency sw is silly to say that the August pbmom probably won't place. She is no more or less likely than the May pbmom to go through with an adoption plan based on due date alone. There will be any number of individual factors for each that will determine whether or not each will actually place her baby for adoption.

Sorry, did not mean this as a rant but as support. Hope it comes across that way.
Best, Ellie