[ContactChar]

Before beginning, let me just say that I feel like a terrible person for even having this dilemma, but I really don't know what to do!

After the grief of infertility treatments and 2 failed placements, I finally met a potential birthmother who really seemed perfect for me (I am working both independently and with an agency, and I met her on my own). We clicked immediately, and I am looking forward to a great pre-birth relationship and an open (with visits) relationship after the baby is born. The one problem is that, after 2 weeks, she still has not contacted an attorney. (My attorney recommended someone for her, and I will pay for her representation). I don't know if she is delaying because (1) it's not a priority/she's too busy--she has 3 other kids, (2) she doesn't feel any urgency because she's not due until August, or (3) contacting the lawyer is a sign of commitment, and she's not ready for that step yet. I don't want to keep bugging her about it because, especially if the reason is (3), I don't want to pressure her to make a decision she's not ready to make.

In the meantime, my agency called this week to tell me that they want to present my profile to another prospective birthmother. Her baby is due at the end of May. There's no guarantee that the mom will select me, but if she does, I am obligated to work with her and not the first woman. The social worker from the agency basically said that she wouldn't recommend waiting around for someone who's not due until August, because there's a good chance she'll change her mind. Although I initially took exception to her statement, I realize I really don't know what's going on with the August mom. If she had already contacted the lawyer, I'd feel a lot more confident, but since she hasn't. . . Of course, with either choice, the mom could decide to parent at any time.

One minute I lean towards allowing the agency to show my profile, and the next minute I think absolutely not. I guess my question is: if I decide to work with the agency mom, how devastating will that be to the August mom? She seemed relieved to have the task of finding a family out of the way. Another question: is there a way to find out why she hasn't contacted the lawyer without putting pressure on her?

I recognize that I am posting this on a birthmother board, and I hope that my post hasn't offended anyone. I just am really torn and am hoping that someone who has "been there" can comment on my options and their ramifications.

Thanks,

Char

[rredhead]

Is there a reason that you can't pursue both? That is, will your agency withdraw you from their pool if you choose to pursue the independent adoption? If not, the question may come down to: Can you handle 2 babies who are 3 months apart?
An online friend of mine clicked with 2 birthmothers and the agency was happy for her to work with both. Each birthmom knew about the other. The babies were born 6 months apart. Interestingly, they look soooooo much alike. People think they're twins.
Just a thought!
-Robyn

[ContactChar]

Thanks-

My agency knows that I am looking independently, but has a policy against adopting more than 1 (other than twins) prior to finalization. I decided to go ahead with the agency situation. They haven't presented profiles yet, so I have no idea whether I'll be selected. Meanwhile, I haven't heard from the other birthmother in over a week, so it may have been a non-issue after all!

[sadiegirl]

I say to go for the agy situation.

1st off, you may not even be chosen.

2nd, if you are, you can then tell the Aug pbmom and she'll have time to find someone else.

Good luck and keep us posted.

[ChasingRainbows]

I say let both play out. You have no idea what will actually happen until the baby is placed in your arms and then you still can't be sure. You may regret not pursuing one or the other if one falls through. It is not is not a lie to tell you agency you are not sure about the Aug bmom. Go for it!!!