[amandacc26]

Help, I need advice:

Background info.

My Husband and I decided to go with a local agency that is counselor driven and a wonderfully supportive agency to all of the members of the adoption triad. After a quick homestudy, we have been waiting 3 months. We are open to race, but would prefer a baby near 1 or under. We don't have many restrictions on medical issues and pre-natal care, etc.

The agency we thought of using, but didn't is an hour away and is lawyer driven. They have a great reputation, but seemed less interested in the emotional well-being of all and offered no long term support. They do however have more adoptions going on and better advertising. They ask adoptive parents to pay any requested bparent living support requests (current agency pays or finds them assistance out of there funds). This also worried me a little as I had been advised to avoid agencies that did this.

The support group with our current agency has been a little disappointing. Not due to the agency (great people and great education/information!), but due to lack of other waiting to adopt couples and post-adoptive couples not being involved. Right now I would love to have the support of a waiting to adopt group!!

And finally my question:

This other agency has had many adoptions going on and NEEDS adoptive parents who are open to race. The average wait is 3-6 months (have a friend that adopted with them in 3 mos). We are not feeling NEEDED at our current agency as nothing is going on there.

I know my husband and I are adopting because we NEED a child to complete are life dreams, but I would also like to be NEEDED for our child (I know there are many older children out there who desperately need homes, but this is our first and we feel more comfortable with a baby at this point).

I am torn about whether to stay with the current agency (which projected the wait to be less than a year) or switch to the other agency that seems to have a lot more need for adoptive parents.

Should we stay or switch?? Is it unethical to "sign up" with both??

$$ info:

We have only paid $2,000 for our current agency fee and homestudy (then it will be $8,000 after placement).

Is the homestudy transferable to another agency within the same state?

If we sign up with the other agency they want about $5,000 up front and $5,000 after placement (plus bparent expenses).

Money is really not a big issue for us, but I would hate to spend 5,000 and then end up adopting through the current agency anyway.

Also, if bmother expenses are paid and she changes her mind this is money lost and I know I'll have hurt feelings. I think I could deal with a change of heart easier if I haven't given the $ support directly.

Sorry for this long post, but I could really use the help of others who are in the adoption process or have adopted. I have called my agency to try to talk things over a little regarding the use of referral lists, networking services, and facilitators. I was thinking of ask what they would think of us "signing" up with the other agency as well, but I don't want to hurt our relationship.

Thanks for reading!!

Amanda

[hotspice58]

No advice but good luck!!

[Vogi2002]

Okay, ultimately this decision has probally already been answered, it's that feeling wayyyyy deep down in your gut. Go with that.

Now, that being said, IMHO only because of my experience, I would stay with your agency. It is not ethical at most agencies (depending on your one of course) to work with two agencies, and it's a waste of money for the most part. Now, I would rather wait a year longer and KNOW the birthmom has got the correct counseling than do a quick adoption, but that is just me. I am also doing open adoption so I want the birthmother to have the correct counseling before and AFTER the adoption for both of our sakes. I have been through a failed placement, and with me, I would be very bitter if I paid living expenses on top of all the emotional heartbreak. Again. Just me! Also, I am very leary about paying living expenses, most of the time the price is so outrageous (i say MOST, not ALL) with lawyers and living expenses that it would really tear up my budget if i paid it and the placement failed.

Now, saying that if you really feel like this lawyer is ethical, the money is within your budget (be sure to ask what the average living expenses come to) then go for it! I know the wait can be hard and its tough especially when it seems like there are people adopting faster than you!! Good luck in whatever you decide!!

Natalie

[mlbsands]

I see no reason not to sign up with both.. when adopting I think people should do everything they can to get the best possible results for them.

Perhaps you can ask the other agency if you can give them a smaller amount upfront especially since they will likely be able to accept the other homestudy??

But I think networking on your own is a great way to make things happen quicker.

Mandy

[Vogi2002]

Oh, as far as being NEEDED or not, my advice would be to ultimately try to work out WHY you want to feel needed. I am not saying this is not a legitamate want, but there is a fine line between, feeling needed and wanting to be a saint by adopting. Now, I am sure you just want to help and don't want a child to go without a home, and in that case maybe you can just give your name to the lawyer or have your friends give it to him and if a child comes up that they absolutely can't find a home for, they can call you!!

P.s. I want to experience a baby also for my first child, so don't feel guilty about that!


Natalie

[Fe2002]

I went through a very similar situation and ultimately signed up with the second agency. I do not see anything unethical about signing on with more than one agency.

My home study was transferrable, so I did not have to go through that process again. Good luck with your decision.

[amandacc26]

Runyan2002, you summed up my gut feelings pretty darn well! My thoughts were the same-better counseling- better open adoption. No bmom expenses-no bitterness if change of heart (just heart-ache). I do fine with the waiting until someone else says or I hear something about adoptive parents being needed else where (I know that is the case all over the world and with all ages).



Of course, something could happen at our agency at anytime. The unknown time frame is difficult. I need to toughen up and stand for what I feel is best.



Thanks for your wisdom and support!!

Amanda

[amandacc26]

Ok the NEEDED part, before we decided to adopt domestically, I read up on how AA babies were being born in American and not being adopted due to being AA. So I guess I wanted to be part of fulfilling a needed situation since I needed a baby to be part of my life, win-win, bad/sad infertility problem turned wonderful for all---silly I know.

Amanda

[Vogi2002]

Amanda-

The only reason I know what you are going through is because I am there and have been there!! LOL I know it gets so frustrating when you hear of children who need homes, or adoptive parents needed elsewhere, I always just remember that the counseling is going to make a HUGE differenece with open adoption!! I try to tell myself I would rather wait longer and get a really prepared birthmom than do a "quick fix" and have a bitter birthmom or one that was mistreated/misinformed!! (but even then i begin to doubt!! LOL) My agency takes a LONG TIME to even begin to the wait to be matched, takes a lot of steps (questionairre, paper work, office visit, seminar, profile, home visit, etc) and I am waiting for our office visit right now, and i get SOO impatient, but try to remember that a couple months now will make a WORLD of difference later!! Good luck and definetely keep us up to date!!

Natalie

[Vogi2002]

haha, i keep missing parts of the posts!! I completely understand the needed thing with AA babies, people are always saying how IN NEED they are for AA babies, it's almost like you envision these poor babies on the streets or lined up with noone to take them home!! :-) Don't worry, you will be your babies hero wether they are AA or not, but thats just because you'll be thier mommy and all mommies are heros!!!

Natalie

[amandacc26]

Natalie, thank you! You've been a BIG help!! I feel better already. Guess I need to have confirmation that I am on the right track.

Thanks to everyone who has responded. Your support is very much appreciated!!! Support is everything and it confirms that if I need this support a bmom needs the best she can get too!! I need to advocate for that and be apart of that system.

Good luck to you Natalie. I would love to keep in touch along the way!
AManda

[Guspiv]

Your first agency sounds really good to me. Personally one of our deciding factors when choosing an agency was counseling services pre and post placement for the triad. I understand being frustrated by the fact that the other agency has such a quick placement. Maybe you can ask for the agency to put you in contact with other people who have adopted through them. That may be helpful.
I dont want to try to sell the 1st agency to you, because choosing the agency you go with is a very personal choice. I suggest you and your partner sit down and really decide what you want from your agency... weigh the pros and cons. find out what is important to you.

In the end it will all turn out fine. Your baby is waiting for you and I believe you will be directed to the agency that he/she comes through. I know from experience......

We were almost ready to sign up with another agency and we decided to go with the one we adopted our son through, the 1st agency wasnt bad we just felt the second one had a more personal touch. Turns out when we met our son's birthmom, she was going to go with the 1st agency and decided to go the 2nd agency also! So we were meant to be!

[Guspiv]

Oh I know you have probably considered this but make sure you are not adopting and African American baby just because there is a need for parents. Make sure you have explored how this will effect and fit into your family and how prepared you and you hubby are to parent a child of a different race.
In my opinion you dont want to adopt just because you are needed. You dont want your child to grow up feeling as if he/she was "rescued". You get what I mean.

[amandacc26]

Thank you Guspiv, you're right, I don't want my child to ever feel that they were rescued or they saved us from our infertility disappointments. That's way too much for anyone to live up to! These are my own issues.



What a great story about how you and your son found each other!



My Hub and I have been doing a lot of reading and talking to others in Tran racial adoption. We are excited for the experience and are looking within our community for the right supportive environments (daycares, etc).



I have learned a lot from you smart ladies today! I will work on my patience and faith!



Thanks!



Amanda

[redbonec]

Amanda,

I just wanted to let you know to ask what the policy is before you sign with another agency, if you are still considering it. Our agency does not allow couples to work other places at the same time once they have started with them. Another agency we had considered does allow it. So just ask to make sure.
Good luck!

Michelle

P.S.--you mentioned there is nothing going on at your agency now. Our agency was in a similar boat for a few months--that can really try your patience!