[pinkheart]

I have been wondering this for several months and I hope to find out from other adoptive moms if they feel this way. I am reading books to our son about adoption and I was wondering if as he gets older and is able to understand that he didn't grow inside my tummy and he is able to understand these issuses will he look at me differently as not being his mommy.I am scared that he will feel different towards me when he looks at me. That is one of my biggest fears is that he will not feel the same towards me. These are some of my fears and I hope that I am nornal to feel this way? Please advice.

[traceyk]

I too feel that way sometimes. I see how Drihan looks at me now with no inclination that she is adopted what so ever and all she knows is us. I fear that she will somehow feel that the bond we share now is not "real". I have to have faith that nothing will change

[mom2justynsarah]

I am a mama who has two wonderful children. My son is seven, and is the light of my life. My daughter is 15 months, and is also the light of my life. They both sparkle. But in distinct individual ways

One of them is adopted. One of them grew in my belly. But don't ask me which one. I can't tell them apart!

The truth is, I am both of their mothers. That's a given. However, the reality is, one of my kids also has a biological mother (and extended family).

Am I afraid that my child will grow up someday and look at me differently? Absolutely NOT! It's very important to remember (and teach) your children that families form together in many different ways. It's also important to acknowledge your child's biological heritage.

The fact that I did not give birth to one of my kids doesn't mean that I am less of a mother to that child. I am the only mother my children know. I don't treat my children any differently. They are MY kids. PERIOD!

Now, if an adoptive parent looks at their child differently, than that child will FEEL different. If she makes a distinction that her child is the "adopted" child, then that's what the child will become.

If you raise your children in a loving, safe, positive and nurturing family, your child will become that loving, secure and happy adult.

[momofmykids]

Tracey and Pinkheart...I don't think it could have been more beautifully said that Mom2JustynSarah said it. I have 7 adopted children and the same as I don't look at them as "adopted", I don't think they look at me as an imposter either. And that's saying alot, because my 2 oldest were older when they got them. Now, will they want to find their birthparents??? Probably, but as their mom, I'll help them with that, cause that's what moms do.

[Vogi2002]

Originally Posted by mom2justynsarah

I am a mama who has two wonderful children. My son is seven, and is the light of my life. My daughter is 15 months, and is also the light of my life. They both sparkle. But in distinct individual ways

One of them is adopted. One of them grew in my belly. But don't ask me which one. I can't tell them apart!

The truth is, I am both of their mothers. That's a given. However, the reality is, one of my kids also has a biological mother (and extended family).

Am I afraid that my child will grow up someday and look at me differently? Absolutely NOT! It's very important to remember (and teach) your children that families form together in many different ways. It's also important to acknowledge your child's biological heritage.

The fact that I did not give birth to one of my kids doesn't mean that I am less of a mother to that child. I am the only mother my children know. I don't treat my children any differently. They are MY kids. PERIOD!

Now, if an adoptive parent looks at their child differently, than that child will FEEL different. If she makes a distinction that her child is the "adopted" child, then that's what the child will become.

If you raise your children in a loving, safe, positive and nurturing family, your child will become that loving, secure and happy adult.

You know I was wondering this same thing, secretly, I was so worried that I was setting my child up for heartache, thank you for your post, you have just made me secure in my decision!!! Beautiful!!

Natalie

[Guspiv]

I have felt this way from time to time. But all I can do is love him unconditionally. From what I have read and learned through our agency, a lot of children go through the "your're not my real mom stage" That will hurt, but all you can is prepare for those comments.

I often think about how I will respond to that "What? I'm not real am I make believe? Am I invisible?" or "Oh I am the one who Really takes care of you and Really Loves you and Really etc etc etc. " I know I will totally forget these witty responses and just send him to his room so I can have a good cry. Afterwards we'll have a nice long discussion about adoption, his adoption story and what it means.

[mom2justynsarah]

Originally Posted by Runyan2002

You know I was wondering this same thing, secretly, I was so worried that I was setting my child up for heartache, thank you for your post, you have just made me secure in my decision!!! Beautiful!!

Natalie

Thank you so much If you ever want to talk further, you are more than welcome to pm me : )

[alwaysus]

Believe it or not, I have never even thought about that. Paul is 6 and he has always known that we adopted him. So far so good. We have never had a problem. I am his " real" Mom and he is my Real kid.
When I find it, I am gonna post something I recently wrote, It may help.

Lana

[alwaysus]

I stood outside the procedure room with my head resting against the cool wall. I was trying in vain to hide the fact that I was crying. My nine month old son Elijah was on the other side of that wall going through a tiny bit of hell.His screams were so loud that the huge wooden door did almost nothing to muffle them.I could make the nurses stop if I wanted to, but they were trying to help him. "Severe dehydration due to the rotavirus" was what caused all of this. I tried to avoid the hospital. Feeding him pedialyte every 15 minutes around the clock didn’t work. So here we were 3 days into the worst stomach virus I have ever seen. The Doctors admitted him as soon as I brought him in. He was a sick little man.

A nurse walked up to me holding his chart. "Are you OK Mrs. Richards?’ she asked.

"No." I answered." Elijah is so dehydrated that they are having a very hard time getting the IV in; they are considering doing a "cut down" to get it started. They have poked him so many times and I can’t stand to hear him scream." I told her "I just want this to be over, he is probably terrified"

The nurse patted my arm in an attempt to comfort me." I saw in his chart that he is adopted" She said. "Do you have any real children?"

At the time, I was too upset to answer her calmly, so I chose not to answer at all.

After 35 minutes the IV had been inserted and he was back in his room.Thankfully they didn't have to do a cut down, but they did have to stick him 5 different times before they found a good vein.

I sat in the chair holding my precious little baby. I sat and caressed his little cheeks that were still red from all of the screaming. I watched him while he slept. I hurt for him, I wanted to take all of his sickness and put it on myself. I loved him so much at that moment my heart actually ached. I thought of what the nurse asked me. I shook my head and once again tears started to fall. I’ll be darned if that’s not real. If it was any more real, I'd probably self destruct.

The nurse came into check his vitals and I finally addressed her earlier question. "I have had 7 children, and although some of them were adopted, they are all very much my real children." I then asked her a question. "Have you ever read the Velveteen Rabbit?"

"I can’t say that I remember" She answered, puzzled by the question.

I simply made a non committal noise and off she went.

My favorite part of the story ran through my head and I rocked my sick little son:

"What is REAL?" asked the Rabbit one day, when they were lying side by side near the nursery finder, before Nana came to tidy the room.

"Real isn’t how you are made," said the Skin Horse. "It’s a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real."
"Does it hurt?" asked the Rabbit.
"Sometimes," said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. "When you are real, you don’t mind being hurt."
I guess we are both real.

[ChristieS]

Thank you for posting this. I have wondered the same thing. It doesn't help that other's say things like "Who is his real Mom?" I'm his REAL Mom as I have sat up night after night with him, rocking him, loving him, kissing his boo-boos, feeding, dressing, all those things that "REAL" Moms do. When someone asks me who his "real Mom" is I just say "me" and walk away.

I also worry that he will be teased in school b/c his birth resulted in the arrest and conviction of a number of men who had had sex with the bmom and his bdad is related to his bmom. This was all over the news. This worries me a lot - there is still talk about it in this small town.

[bromanchik]

Christie S. Please get the book Telling the Truth to Your Adopted and Foster Child by Betsy Keiffer and Jayne Schooler. They have lots of really good advice on talking to children with difficult histories.

[pinkheart]

I look into my son with all the love in my heart and soul and I will always love him uncondtionally and I will forever be his mom no matter what. I will never treat him different because he is adopted and if i raise him with all this love I have faith that he will know that I am his REAL MOM.Thanks for all the advice and support.

[ChristieS]

Thanks. I found it on BAM and will order it when I get paid on the first. Thanks again for the help nd support for all of us in this situation.

[Roon63]

AlwaysUs! I cried and cried thru your post. I have 4 children adopted thru foster. my daughter both had severe rotavirus..one life flighted as her kidneys shut down. That is how they came into foster....thank God for the life flight nurse who refused to give up, and followed up 3 times with social services til, the children were removed.

This Friday, the school is taking our kids to the play; Velveteen Rabbit....I wasn't intending on going....but your post compells me to go (I too love that book).
Explaining to my children that birthmomma did love them, but didn't know how to take care of them is excurtiating (eek on spelling), I too will order that book..Telling the Truth to Your Adopted and Foster Child by Betsy Keiffer and Jayne Schooler.