[familyforever]

DH and I are having a hard time with his family right now. In his family there are 8 kids (three in his and 5 steps). We were the first ones married. We went through all the infertility tests being the only ones married. His mom wasn't married at the time, so there were only the three brothers. She knew I was having problems, but didn't know exactly what mostly because she never asked. If she had, I would have told her, but she had a lot of stress of her own at the time. We adopted our son about a week after she was married to her husband.

Fast forward three years..... It is been almost two years since we started trying to adopt again. Since we started again one of my SIL's got pregnant and had a baby and now two more are pregnant. Whenever we go to family functions that is all that is talked about. They talk about how sick they are. MIL goes on and on about how they can't be expected to do anything because they are pregnant. The SIL that just had the baby talks about how she wants a lot of kids, but it just took so long for her to get pregnant this time (it took two months.)

It is so hard for me when they are all complaining about being pregnant. I would give anything to be pregnant. I know it is the most important thing in their lives right now and don't expect them not to talk about it. My MIL is the biggest problem. She is constantly bringing up how excited she is for all these babies and talking about babies, even when the SILs aren't around. It is truly hard for me. DH has talked to her several times. I know she can't understand what we are going through because she hasn't been in this position, but I need her to at least understand that I need a break from everyone talking about babies. I get it everywhere. Church, friends and family. I don't expect everyone to not talk about it, but I would like her not to keep trying to discuss everyone else's babies with me. We have asked, and it stops for maybe a week or so, but then that's all she can talk about. We have talked to her now, but I dont' know if it's because we didn't talk to her about it when the infertility tests were going on or what, but she is not getting it.

How have you helped your family to understand what you are going through? At least have an idea that this is hard and the pangs never really go away. I know that if we ever are able to adopt again, it will be at least bearable for a little while, but I have always wanted a large family and am still dealing with the fact that it probably won't happen. What has helped you to deal with these types of situtations?

Sorry this is so long.

Elizabeth

[AdrienneG]

What helped me was to cut off talking with people who wanted to talk about pregnancies all the time.

What also helped me was to tell people what I was going through physically and emotionally.

If your MIL doesn't know what you're going through, how can she know she's being insensitive?

Counseling is what I'd recommend for anyone struggling with infertiilty and their feelings surroundnig it.

[familyforever]

I just edited to add that we have talked to her about it now, just not at the actual time because she was so involved in other things at the time. When it is friends or family or even the SIL's it isn't usually that bad, it is when it is the MIL that we have talked to and just won't quit.

[AdrienneG]

u cant make people understand or be sensitive but u can set boundaries on how much u will tolerate before u decide to reduce time spent wit them...u gotta take care of yourself emotionally

[b4truth]

I feel for you familyforever, i was trying to conceive a second...never happened, and my SIL, who had 3, went off bc and got preg (the very month i told her i was trying) what was most hurtful is, she's not even good at parenting, didn't have a room for the baby, it was a girl, she had 3 boys. 2 bedrooms ...no home study for her! okay sorry, didn't realize it still bugs me...

my bio-sis, has had 11 pregs, 4 kids, and only has one.
so i feel your pain.

i would nicely say something, using "I feel" which generates the least defensiveness because deep inside i believe people have to know to some degree that you may be hurt. esp your MIL, mine was the same except it was "i want a girl (gdaughter), a girl"...i would say, i would want healthy, healthy to let her know how i felt. by the way, i had 2 girls at the time...

you could move, i find visiting is so much more enjoyable.

Best of luck...i hope you are blessed immeasurably more than you could imagine.

[Vogi2002]

Okay, so first of all I just want to say that I do know what you are going through, I have been there, and it is hard. I think on the "bad" days it is hardest. Now, saying that I do not feel bitter anymore about not being pg because I am so excited about adopting. I am not saying that you don't have a right to be sad, but I am getting a lot of emotion through your post of pain. I am wondering if you ever took time trying to work through your emotions before adopting. IMO it is hard to hear about pregnancies, but it is just typical that people would have so much joy and emphasis on it! I am so sorry you are feeling this way, but sometimes you have to be the bigger and better person and just let it slide or you can tend to make people uncomfortable and kind of "shut yourself out" from the rest of them. It would be great if while we are working through our pain we didn't hear about anything to do with babies or pregnancy, but in reality it is not this way......

I am again sorry you are going through this, I remember when i was trying to concieve being so sad when people were pg, even just seeing one in the store. I will say that I took about four-five months to work through my feelings (actually forced to by dh) before we pursued adoption and it has made ALL the difference. Even though there might be a pang once in a while, I now WANT to hear about it all!! I would recomend counseling as well, I know thinking back, I wish I would've taken advantage of it, it might not have taken so much time to heal!! Good luck!!

Natalie

[melliemoo]

I gave this letter to my family and close friends, and they said it helped a lot. I did not write it, it was written by psychologists. Feel free to use it and insert your own name!

I hope that some of your pain eases soon. It is really hard. My SIL gave birth to #2 one month before my EDD from my only pregnancy, which I miscarried. Both my SILs have kids and started trying AFTER we did. It's very frustrating.

Melissa =)

============================================

ABOUT MELISSA'S INFERTILITY

Melissa knows that you love her and want her to be happy, to be her "old self" again. But lately, she seems isolated, depressed and obsessed with the idea of having a baby.

You probably have difficulty understanding why getting pregnant has colored virtually every aspect of her daily life. Melissa hopes that by reading this booklet, written by psychologists with both personal and professional experience with infertility, you will better understand the pain she is feeling. The booklet also will tell you how you can help her.

SOME FACTS ABOUT INFERTILITY

It may surprise you to know that one out of six women who wants to have a baby cannot conceive. There are many possible reasons for this dismal statistic: blocked fallopian tubes, ovarian failure, hormonal imbalances, toxic exposure, husband's low sperm count, to name just a few. Moreover, after a woman turns 35, it becomes difficult to have a baby primarily because many of the eggs she has left are defective.

All these barriers to pregnancy are physical or physiological, not psychological. Tubes don't become blocked because a woman is "trying too hard" to get pregnant. Antibodies that kill sperm will not disappear if a woman simply relaxes. And a man cannot make his sperm swim faster by developing a more optimistic outlook.

WELL-MEANING ADVICE

When someone we care about has a problem, it is natural to try to help. If there's nothing specific that we can do, we try to give helpful advice. Often, we draw on our personal experiences or on anecdotes involving other people we know. Perhaps you recall a friend who had trouble getting pregnant until she and her husband went to a tropical island. So you suggest that Melissa and her husband take a vacation, too.

Melissa appreciates your advice, but she cannot use it because of the physical nature of her problem. Not only can't she use your advice, the sound of it upsets her greatly. Indeed, she's probably inundated with this sort of advice at every turn. Imagine how frustrating it must be for her to hear about other couples who "magically" become pregnant during a vacation simply by making love. To Melissa, who is undergoing infertility treatment, making love and conceiving a child have very little to do with one another, now. You can't imagine how hard she's been trying to have this baby and how crushed she feels every month she learns that she's failed again. Your well-meaning advice is an attempt to transform an extremely complicated predicament into a simplistic little problem. By simplifying her problem in this manner, you've diminished the validity of her emotions, making her feel psychologically undervalued. Naturally, she will feel angry and upset with you under these circumstances.

The truth is: There's practically nothing concrete you can do to help Melissa. The best help you can provide is to be understanding and supportive. It's easier to be supportive if you can appreciate how being unable to have a baby can be such a devastating blow.

WHY NOT HAVING A BABY IS SO UPSETTING

Women are reared with the expectation that they will have a baby someday. They've thought about themselves in a motherhood role ever since they played with dolls. A woman may not even consider herself part of the adult world unless she is a parent. When Melissa thinks she cannot have a baby, she feels like "defective merchandise." Not having a baby is literally a matter of life and death. In the Bible, Rachel was barren. She said to Jacob "Give me children or I die ..." (Genesis 30:1). Commenting on this, some sages said, "One who is childless is considered dead." So powerful are the feelings connected with barrenness that the person feels dead or wants to die.

Worse, Melissa is not even certain that she will never have a baby. One of the cruelest things you can do to a person is give them hope and then not come through. Modern medicine has created this double-edged sword. It offers hope where there previously was none -- but at the price of slim odds.

WHAT MODERN MEDICINE HAS TO OFFER THE INFERTILE WOMAN.

In the past decade, reproductive medicine has made major breakthroughs that enable women, who in the past were unable to have children, to now conceive. The use of drugs such as Pergonal can increase the number and size of eggs that a woman produces thereby increasing her chances of fertilization. In vitro fertilization (IVF) techniques extract a woman's eggs and mix them with sperm in a "test tube" and allow them to fertilize in a laboratory. The embryo can then be transferred back to the woman's uterus. There are many other options, as well.

Despite the hope these technologies offer, they are a hard row to hoe. Some high-tech procedures are offered only at a few places, which may force Melissa to travel great distances. Even if the treatment is available locally, the patient must endure repeated doctor's visits, take daily injections, shuffle work and social schedules to accommodate various procedures, and lay out considerable sums of money -- money that may or may not be reimbursed by insurance. All of this is preceded by a battery of diagnostic tests that can be both embarrassing and extremely painful.

Infertility is a highly personal medical condition; one that Melissa may feel uncomfortable discussing with her employer. So, she is faced with coming up with excuses whenever her treatment interferes with her job. Meanwhile, she is devoting considerable time and energy to managing a mountain of claims forms and other paperwork required by insurers.

After every medical attempt at making her pregnant, Melissa must play a waiting game that is peppered with spurts of optimism and pessimism. It is an emotional roller coaster. She doesn't know if her swollen breasts are a sign of pregnancy or a side effect of the fertility drugs. If she sees a spot of blood on her underwear, she doesn't know if an embryo is trying to implant or her period is about to begin. If she is not pregnant after an IVF procedure, she may feel as though her baby died. How can a person grieve for a life that existed only in her mind?

While trying to cope with this emotional turmoil, she gets invited to a baby shower or Christening, learns that a friend or colleague is pregnant, or she reads about a one-day-old infant found abandoned in a Dumpster. Can you try to imagine her envy, her rage over the inequities in life? Given that infertility permeates practically every facet of her existence, is it any wonder why she is obsessed with her quest?

Every month, Melissa wonders whether this will finally be her month. If it isn't, she wonders if she can she muster the energy to try again. Will she be able to afford another procedure? How much longer will her husband continue to be supportive? Will she be forced to give up her dream?

So when you speak with Melissa, try to empathize with the burdens on her mind and on her heart. She knows you care about her, and she may need to talk with you about her ordeal. But she knows that there is nothing you can say or do to make her pregnant. And she fears that you will offer a suggestion that will trigger even more despair.

WHAT CAN YOU DO FOR MELISSA?

You can give her support, and don't criticize her for any steps she may be taking -- such as not attending a nephew's bris -- to protect herself from emotional trauma. You can say something like this:

I care about you. After reading this booklet, I have a better idea about how hard this must be for you. I wish I could help. I'm here to listen to you and cry with you, if you feel like crying. I'm here to cheer you on when you feel as though there is no hope. You can talk to me. I care.

The most important thing to remember is that Melissa is distraught and very worried. Listen to what she has to say, but do not judge. Do not belittle her feelings. Don't try to pretend that everything will be OK. Don't sell her on fatalism with statements like, "What will be will be." If that were truly the case, what's the point of using medical technology to try to accomplish what nature cannot?

Your willingness to listen can be of great help. Infertile women feel cut off from other people. Your ability to listen and support her will help her handle the stress she's experiencing. Her infertility is one of the most difficult situations she will ever have to deal with.

PROBLEM SITUATIONS

Just as an ordinary room can be an obstacle course to a blind person, so can the everyday world be full of hazards for an infertile woman -- hazards which do not exist for women with children.

She goes to her sister-in-law's house for Thanksgiving. Her cousin is breast-feeding. The men are watching the football game while the women talk about the problems with their kids. She feels left out, to say the least.

Thanksgiving is an example of the many holidays that are particularly difficult for her. They mark the passage of time. She remembers what came to mind last Thanksgiving -- that the next year, she would have a new son or daughter to show off to her family.

Each holiday presents its own unique burden to the infertile woman. Valentine's day reminds her of her romance, love, marriage -- and the family she may never be able to create. Mother's Day and Father's Day? Their difficulties are obvious.

Mundane activities like a walk down the street or going to the shopping mall are packed with land mines. Seeing women pushing baby carriages and strollers strikes a raw nerve. While watching TV, Melissa is bombarded by commercials for diapers, baby food, and early pregnancy tests.

At a party, someone asks how long she's been married and whether she has any kids. She feels like running out of the room, but she can't. If she talks about being infertile, she's likely to get well-intentioned advice -- just the thing she doesn't need: "Just relax. Don't worry. It will happen soon," or "You're lucky. I've had it with my kids. I wish I had your freedom." These are the kinds of comments that make her want to crawl under the nearest sofa and die.

Escape into work and career can be impossible. Watching her dream shatter on a monthly basis, she can have difficulty investing energy in advancing her career. All around, her co-workers are getting pregnant. Going to a baby shower is painful -- but so is distancing herself from social occasions celebrated by her colleagues.

THE BOTTOM LINE

Because she is infertile, life is extremely stressful for Melissa. She's doing her best to cope. Please be understanding. Sometimes she will be depressed. Sometimes she will be angry. Sometimes she will be physically and emotionally exhausted. She's not going to be "the same old Melissa" she used to be. She won't want to do many of the things she used to do.

She has no idea when, or if, her problem will be solved. She's engaged in an emotionally and financially taxing venture with a low probability of success. Overall, only about 11 percent of those people using special fertility treatments succeed in having a baby (note from Melissa: this statistic is not verified. I have seen numbers more around 40%). The odds are even lower for women over 40. The longer she perseveres, however, the greater her chances of pregnancy become.

Maybe someday she will be successful. Maybe someday she will give up and turn to adoption, or come to terms with living a childless life. At present, though, she has no idea what will happen. It's all she can do to keep going from one day to the next. She does not know why this is her lot. Nobody does. All she knows is the horrible anguish that she lives with every day.

[mom2justynsarah]

I just wanted to say I know exactly how you feel. Infertility is sooooooooooooo hard! It robs us of our g-d given right to bear children. It touches those dark bleak places of hoplessness, shame, fear and anger.


Unfortunately, family & friends do not (and never will) understand how we feel. They can't relate. They don't feel what we feel. Unless they go through the same thing, tact and sensitivity will never happen.

It used to hurt me so much when I would hear a friend or acquaintance b**ch and moan about their kids. Or how upset they are that they are pregnant "again." Here I was literally DYING to even become a mother.

Well, I want to say that g-d has plans for all of us. I can only speak for myself. But when I look at my two children, (my son is an IVf miracle. My daughter is a miracle through open adoption) I thank g-d for all the pain and suffering I went through. Although it was a long road to travel, there was a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.

Keep the faith!

Julie

[familyforever]

Melissa-

That's great. Thanks for sending that. I will have to give it to her.

Sometimes I feel like trying to adopt is like trying to deal with infertility treatments all over again. Although it doesn't physically hurt like the treatments did, my heart sure aches. We have been waiting for a long time now. We have had several bparents look at us, but not choose us. I feel like I am waiting to find out if I am pregnant all over again. It is just as emotional. It wasn't in the beginning, but the longer it takes to adopt the harder it gets.

When we adopted our little boy, things were so much easier for the first two years. Now, those old feelings are coming back.

Thanks for all your help and advice!

[ChasingRainbows]

I know how tough it is. The family decided to give us a "get to it" basket and instructions how to get pregnant. My brother gave us scrap book embellishments in pink and blue. I have told them over and over we can't and they just don't get it.

One of the things I have found most helpful is the support on these boards and the adoption community. You are not alone. There are a lot of us feeling what you do. No matter how isolated we feel. Sending prayers your way today for an extra measure of TLC