[mamaF]

I'm going nuts. It is taking SO long to get done with all this paperwork, especially the parts my husband has to fill out. I had a major meltdown over the weekend over it.

To top it off, my mother in law dropped the bomb that someone in the family is pregnant AGAIN (her 6th baby).

I got so upset, and DH just didn't seem to understand how much this brings back the infertility pain for me. He thought I was just being competitive to be upset by that.

I also saw an older girl on the street that I was dead sure was the girl we couldn't be considered for because our homestudy wasn't done by the time she was matched. It stopped me dead in my tracks.

I'm just so bummed this week. We want to adopt from our county's foster care system, and it is just taking forever to get it all together. DH thinks I have lost my mind. He might be right, but it has been causing a lot of friction at home.

Thanks for listening to me whine.

[pechocha]

It is a long process, but all worth it.. What I did with my husband is we sat down together to fill out the part of the questionnaire that ask about your childhood, family, etc. and I told him we weren't going anywhere until we finished that day. For me, that was the only solution, since he was telling me for a couple of weeks the "I'll work on it tomorrow" excuse. If I would wait for that, it would have taken more time for us to finish all the paperwork. It is overwhelming, I know, and don't feel bad since you'll have more of this meltdowns the road.

It caught my attention what you said about the infertility issue. This subject will come out during your interviews with your social worker (at least here in Southern California), and believe me, they will ask you all KINDS of questions about that. Our SW didn't ask a lot of questions to my husband, but she did to me, we spent most of the interview talking about that, and if you are still feeling that way, you'll be in a hard spot. Not because of what your feeling is wrong, I was there as well, but they want to make sure you have overcome that, and how you dealt with it.

Take care and good luck in your adoption journey.

[meimaemomma]

Hi,
I just wanted to say hang in there. Our homestudy took much longer than it should have (through no fault of our own, and that's another story). In the meantime, seasons changed, friends got pregnant, babies were born. I wasn't jealous, exactly, but it seemed like we were on this cosmic line and everyone was just going around us. I think that part of my experience was a bit different from my husband's - he didn't see it comparatively at all, I don't think (though now that we are awaiting our referral he's about as impatient as I've been).
Hang in there. It might not feel like it, but it will get done, and you will be a mother.

[773-mom-to-be]

THANK YOU for posting this.

We're in the long-range limbo of waiting for our state's child services department to give us the big stamp of approval. We've passed background checks, filled everything out, finished all interviews....our agency even approved our social worker's draft of the home study. But we've been waiting on the state for MONTHS.

I like to point out to people -- and as much to myself -- that child welfare agencies LOSE HUMAN BEINGS. Paperwork is bound to take a while.

I've thought about it a lot, and I can't imagine the wait for a match being worse than this. (Bear with me on this one.) When waiting for a match, I see it like waiting for God/fate/the universe/a pregnant woman to decide that it's right. In THIS situation, I'm waiting for some state employee to stamp a piece of paper, months after we finished our requirements. I don't know -- one premise just seems way more bearable than the other.

[JLyle]

We have, for all practical purposes, completed our home study, but we're still waiting for the FBI to clear my fingerprints. We've been dealing with this problem for over six months now. I'm on my third set of prints, and have no reason to believe that they won't reject this set of fingerprints as well. It is extremely frustrating.

[athena09]

I am feeling the pain too. DH and I are waiting to start classes, unfortunately I am done all that can be done till the classes start, not till April 24th. My DH is slow too. It took him forever to do his autobiography and I still don't think it encompassed enough info, but I left it the way he wrote it and mailed it off. I guess I will see, I haven't heard anything about our FBI prints yet, there shouldn't be a problem with that though.

[kelceesmom]

You are not alone. Ours took almost 6 months. Some of it my husband, and some of it just the time frame. The visits needed, seeing our social worker one on one and all that. I know how you feel about the jealousy part with pregnant relatives and the why not me. Once you find your inner peace though it will smooth out. When I came to realize that it will never happen I could become excited that there is that special one for us. I saw a saying which I love. They aren't expected they are selected. What a gift for us. Good luck.
Denice

[FostermomCathie]

This is a difficult wait but the actual foster care can be even more difficult. Either the kids are very challenging or pulled out without much notice, or stay to long. Sometimes you fall very in love and get hopes up very high and get heartbroken. This is a pretty difficult way to go about finding that missing piece to the family. I am sorry to sound down, but this is so emotional just be realistic and prepare for craziness. Good luck you will be great.

[pechocha]

Hi

After reading all your posts, I wanted to all let you know, that even though the wait seems long, you will be match eventually. For us it took 7 months to have our homestudy approved. Again, just for the homestuday, not counting the interviews, application, etc. Our sw had finished all interviews, but she only needed to find the TIME to write up the report. After submitting it to her supervisor, the supervisor wanted her to expand a little more in some areas, so here we are again, trying to schedule another interview with her and finally we were approved as of October 2, 2005.

Then, I thought here comes the long wait to be matched as well, since we ask for a girl ages 0-1. And, here in Los Angeles people tend to wait years for that to happen. Well, a month and a half later, on November 18th at 12 noon, I received a call from my sw's supervisor letting me know there was a newborn girl ready to be released from the hospital and she needed a home to sleep that night (supervisor's own words) I think I will never forget that. Well, guess what, three hours later we were on our way to pick her up. She's been home with us since, and she is as healthy and beautiful as she can be. TPR is scheduled for June 1, and if everything goes well (crossing fingers) we should finalize before the year ends.

So, ladies, hang in there, your time will come. Sometimes, we have to wait longer, but at the end, it is all worth it. It is a long e-mail but wanted to let you know that 4 months ago, I was feeling the same way as all of you, frustrated, angry, etc. YOUR CHILD IS OUT THERE WAITING FOR YOU, I have no doubt about that, my baby is all what I always dreamed. And like Denice said, "They are not expected, they are selected" it is true. If it seems that the process is taking forever, think that God is still looking and selecting the right baby for you and your family. How good is that?? Best of luck to everyone. Hugs

Isa

[blessedbybug]

Whine away... isn't that what "support" forums are here for ??? ((((Hugs)))

It can be/is a long painful process to go through the homestudy, esp when you have your goal/dream in mind and it seems that everything, EVERYTHING is in the hands of someone else, almost always people who are strangers to you and cannot understand what your dream of having a child means to you. Tough, tough, tough...

I know I have/did/am struggling with that loss of control and it is a painful thing. It is a "process" and DOES take time. But can I say to tie a know in your rope and hang on? Can you trust yet another "perfect stranger" who has been where you are when I say "it will be worth it". Cliche I know... one that I poo-poo'd during our first wait. I thought people were all full of it. But it will be worth the effort when your child is finally home. Be angry...get done what you can do and then...be the "squeaky wheel" with your agency in as sweet a way as you can possibly be. My agency (both private and Children's Services) know my first name. We speak at seminars. I write articles. They know us. And I think it helped to make our presence known.

As for your DH... I know, I know... here's what I did... I worked on what I could do for both of us on my own. It wasn't that he didn't want to adopt. He did very much. But it wasn't as much a priority as he isn't a "think ahead" kind of person. His plate was full which meant he could only see what was right in front of him. Me, on the other hand, I have to always have a plan, which was a good thing when working through adoption. You do have to keep at it.

As I see it... women are a little like spaghetti... all our "stuff" can be touching each other, even be a little mixed up and smooshy and it doesn't bother us. We can multi-task and deal with digging into our emotional side, the messy stuff much easier than guys. Men, OTOH, are like waffles. (No offense to the men on this forum...please... think about it a little ...my DH even agrees with this analogy...yes he often uses it as an excuse, lol, but that is a whole other post). Sometimes, bless their hearts, they get stuck in that one little hole and can't see that there are other things around them. Sometimes you gotta pour a little "syrup" (you can interpret that HOWEVER you want...) to get them into another hole.

That said...here's what I did to get our lengthy questionnaires of very personal and intrusive questions done. As I said before, I sat down and did what I knew I could do on my own, what I knew I could answer for both of us. Then, I booked a bed and breakfast near a golf course, away from home for a whole weekend. Borrowed a laptop, packed some snacks and a change of clothes. Made a deal with Hubby as we were about a 1/2 hour away from home. We work on this, then you can golf to your heart's content.

We did it and it didn't become an argument. Believe it or not, there was absolutely no nagging on my part. He went through what I had already done, we discussed, made changes, found answers together. He also did the questions that pertained only to him. We did it in short sets, took time out for walks, golf, eating out, sitting in the hot tub etc. In other words, we made a fun weekend out of it and in the end, we enjoyed it. It became a time of learning and growing together as a couple and there are times we still refer to something or other that the other one said or what we leaned about each other.

As for the infertility issues... all I can say is "I know" and offer ((((Hugs))). IT stinks...it really does. I have 19 (going on 20) amazingly adorable nieces and nephews. I'm the only infertile of both DH and my families. Not to mention being a pastor to children and families in a VERY fertile community. Needless to say... I've been in that place you describe, disappointed/angry/sickened when it was NEVER me and finding it hard to celebrate the joy others were experiencing.

With time, I can say that it is better. I know Bug coming into my life changed alot, gave me peace on many levels. But I can also say that it never... that longing never goes away. It is a part of who I am and I am learning to live with the bittersweet, celebrating with them even as I am sad for myself.

And when your child does find you and I know he/she will, I just hope it is soon, you'll be able to say "ah, that's why... this is the miracle face I was waiting for"...

Hang in there... keep working at it... be the squeaky wheel and love your 'waffle' and cry when you need to ... be kind to yourself and most of all, don't hesitate to ask for support... you will be a Momma someday... (((hugs)))

[773-mom-to-be]

Wow, Tammy. Thank you so much.

I really like what you said about "the miracle face I was waiting for."

Stuff like what you wrote is why I tracked down this message board in the first place.

[StorkWatcher]

To all you waiters our there, especially the thread starter -
I just want to say - we hear you and feel your pain! It's insane sometimes what we have to go through. (And don't get me started on trying to do things through the state - I'd go on forever about all the red tape, delays and bureaucracy....).

Thanks for posting your vent here. You are NEVER alone! We're all thinking of you and pulling for you!

And everyone is right, whether it makes you feel better right now or not, you'll forget much of this frustration when you're holding that child for the first time! I think the only thing that kept me going was faith that I knew I'd be a mom someday and that the perfect child for us was out there somewhere and would be sent to us at the right time.

Keep the faith! And pocket these warm fuzzies that everyone is sending so you can take them out and look at them (or smash them with your desk paperweight) the next time you have a rotten day....

[ChristieS]

I am also surrounded with VERY fertile people. Even my son's bmom is pregnant - again - as well as my sister-in-law and step-daughter (fourth child). It is painful to see so many fertile people and so many children being norn to one person when you are unable to biologically have even one. I used to stand in Wal-Mart at the baby section and cry every time I miscarried.

I'm so sorry. Please know that there are many of us out here who know how you feel and are here for you.

It does take a long time - but keep focused on the end result. Also, you may want to consider your other options (agencies, etc.).

Hugs and prayers to you.