[Marie8888]

Hey,
We got a call early this morning for a baby boy born today in Texas. We ran around all day taking care of paperwork and when we getting ready to leave got a call that she changed her mind. She really wanted to place the baby for adoption but her family talked her out of it. Any chance she might change her mind? It doesn't sound like they are much of a support system for her or that they have a relationship at all. I know I shouldn't hope, but I keep thinking that maybe when they leave tonight she will think it over and decide to call our agency back. Or if not tonight when it is time to leave the hospital Monday morning if her family hasn't come through for her maybe she will change her mind then. Am I crazy to hope this? She didn't even know she was pregnant until she was 8 months along so there has to be some denial there. Does she really want to keep the baby or is it just presure and when it comes down to it she will change her mind again. My sister was in a semilar situation but she never went so far as to call an agency, my mom had to end up quiting her job and giving up her reterment and all her savings to be there for my sister, so if her parents are super supportive I don't see how it could work out.

[Leigh131313]

Hi Marie,

I posted on another thread you started..more hugs for you

Leigh

[angjohnadopt]

I unfortunately don't know the answers - but we were called once for a last minute hospital placement - we were one of two families that were being chosen between. I know what a rush it is and how disappointing it is to have it not work out - so I hope that it works out for you - but I'm truly sorry for the disappointment! Hugs!!

[redhedded]

Marie, I just wanted to say that I am sorry. I know how very hard this time is. Hang in there; your babe will come to you. Big hugs.

[Marie8888]

Thank you to the last two people who posted. Your kindness is so appreciated, I have been appalled by how others on this site have responded on other forumns I posted on. It means everything to me to have sensitive people who care and understand.

[blessedbybug]

Originally Posted by Marie8888

Hey,
We got a call early this morning for a baby boy born today in Texas. We ran around all day taking care of paperwork and when we getting ready to leave got a call that she changed her mind. She really wanted to place the baby for adoption but her family talked her out of it. Any chance she might change her mind? It doesn't sound like they are much of a support system for her or that they have a relationship at all. I know I shouldn't hope, but I keep thinking that maybe when they leave tonight she will think it over and decide to call our agency back. Or if not tonight when it is time to leave the hospital Monday morning if her family hasn't come through for her maybe she will change her mind then. Am I crazy to hope this? She didn't even know she was pregnant until she was 8 months along so there has to be some denial there. Does she really want to keep the baby or is it just presure and when it comes down to it she will change her mind again. My sister was in a semilar situation but she never went so far as to call an agency, my mom had to end up quiting her job and giving up her reterment and all her savings to be there for my sister, so if her parents are super supportive I don't see how it could work out.

So sorry Marie that this has happened to you. It is one of the risks of a potential adoption placement but I am sure it hurts nonetheless when a change of mind happens.

The only advice I would have is to hold loosely to the possibility that she may change her mind and decide to place her child with you. It is possible but I don't want to give you false hope as each situation is different. Be open to the placement but don't count on it. I would have a talk with your agency as well, to see how it might have been handled differently.

So sorry you got your hopes up only to have them dashed... wishing you well and that your dream of a child might come true soon ...

[pita88]

Marie,
I read the other forums (nasty to say the least) and no one can understand your sadness and anger unless they have been through a similar situation. We experienced almost the same scenerio. We relocated a birthmother from Calf to GA, paid for her expenses for 4 months, met with her and took care of her. She relocated away from her family to avoid pressure of keeping her child. On the day she was to surrender her rights and after we held the child in the hospital for 2 days, she changed her mind. We found fault in the facilitator in Calf for even matching us with this birthmother. She changed her mind because her mother finally came forward and told her she would help her raise her son. Where was her mom for the 4 months that we were footing the bill! We see now there were red flags and we learned from them. We are matched again (due in 4 days) and who knows if this will go through. We made sure this birthmother has no family pressure to deter her adoption plan. We found that the agency or facilitaor should be better at preparing birthmothers for this decision to place (something called counseling!) and exhausting all their support if she should keep her child. The facilitator we dealt with was more eager to get our money than ensure that this was the right decision for this particular birthmother. We lost over 20K from this failied adoption and little sympathy and no financial recovery from this facilitator. Once your birthmother changed her mind there is slim to no chance she or her family will give up that child. They are in the splendid moment of holding a newborn not thinking about why she wanted to pursue the adoption in the first place. She won't know the extent of her decision until years down the road when she is living out her choice and raising that child on her own. She will also never know how her knee jerk reaction affected your life.

[MMC66]

I was just reading along (both places this was posted) absorbing the different perspectives on this situation but now I have to speak up.

I can't imagine ANYONE making a "knee jerk" decision to parent a child. And I am not saying that family members don't put pressure on a birthmom to parent but unless you are right there and sometimes even if you are - what appears to be pressure, may actually be support, especially if the birthmom is young and struggling with her decision.

Adoption and becoming a birthparent only happens AFTER a baby is born and the decision has been made to place AND the legalities of surrender have taken place.

I am sorry for your grief and loss, it is very real and it hurts like hell, however, this new mom is not responsible.

Martha

[tobeafamily]

At it's core, this is about risk. There is no risk-free way to become a parent, including giving birth. All adoption is about risk and benefit. This includes International (just ask anyone who is 'in limbo' or who has lost a referral because of changing laws and policies) and domestic waiting child/foster care.

In domestic parental placement, there is always the risk that an expectant parent may make an adoption plan that they do not fulfill - they 'change their mind' at some point. This can occur before birth, at birth or after birth but before termination is complete.

For the hopeful adoptive parent in domestic parental placement, it's probably the scariest risk, and it's not helped by all the godawful stories out there.

So why adopt through domestic parental placement? Because the benefit of parenting from newborn, of having a child's history, of not having to travel overseas, whatever, outweighs the downside of this risk.

In this case, yes, this expectant parent made an adoption plan that they did not complete. It's not unheard of for a new parent to, down the road, decide then to place, though it is rare.

For you, this feels almost like a death, in some ways it is a death of a future with this child. Yet this child was not yours, even if it was 'promised' to you. It likely never will be. It is no one's 'fault', this woman and her family did not set out to cause anyone pain. It is not a facilitator or agency or family member or nurse or doctor or bystander who 'caused' this to happen. It just is.

That doesn't change the reality that it hurts very deeply - so deeply that you may feel you cannot breathe. It's amazing though how we survive what we thought was unsurvivable, just like we do not feel the great joy that we expect sometimes too.

Adoption is not easy, and it is not for the feint of heart. Right now my advice is for you to simply grieve this whirlwind joy-then-loss. Then, after some time, decide if your desire to parent from birth outweighs this very real demonstrated risk to you. If not, then choose a different path. If so, though, understand that this is part of it and brace yourselves.

You've also found that this forum is a true triad forum - one where all members are present and vocal. It, too, is not for those looking only to hear back what they put forward. Or sometimes we do get back what we put forward, only to realize we don't like it very much. To only voice sympathy and negativity towards a perceived 'perpetrator', while it might be nice at times, is not the purpose of this place. Yet without our differences, we do not grow.

So if you're looking for a place where all you'll get is 'oh, you poor dear, those awful people how could they DO that to you?' then I can tell you pretty clearly this is not that place. It's much better than that - this is a place where you can learn and grow and, yes, heal.

What I have found in my years as a triad member is this: Those who are focused, committed, determined to become parents usually are. The patience, focus and determination you learn now really do help you be a good parent later. It's good in a way, because children will break your heart in ways that feel a lot like the pain you're feeling now. And they do so in the blink of an eye, and you do not mind even as you go OUCH! Maybe experiences like this help you prepare for those moments?

JMHO Hang in.

Regina

[MMC66]

As usual Regina - you are wise and eloquent. Thanks for contributing!!

[ginadc]

Wow, Regina, that was extraordinarily well put.

Marie, I've been in your shoes...twice. One match failed after three weeks, about six weeks before the babies (it was twins, legitimately) were born; the other failed after we had flown to Florida for the baby's birth and spent a lot of time with the expectant mom and the baby's father. (Very nice young people.) In both cases, I am incredibly grateful that we never saw or held the baby(ies)...that would have made our grief all the worse, and it was devastating and wrenching and felt practically soul-destroying as it was. I know what this grief feels like, and you need to allow yourself time to feel it. No one should criticize you for that.

Nonetheless, others are right when they say that this young woman is not a birthmom, she is a new parent. Might she decide that adoption is indeed what she wants later on? It's possible; I know an adoptive family whom that happened to recently--they got the call again when the baby was three months old and things worked out beautifully for them.

Having only known about this situation for less than a day, you only know what the agency or facilitator has chosen to tell you, and they may not have the whole story themselves. There's no way to judge or assess from the outside what this young woman's situation is or what her family is like. All you can do is wish her, her family and the baby well.

Now I'm going to say what people said to me when our matches failed. I hated when they said it--but they were right. The match, and the baby, that is meant for you will come to you at the right time, and when it happens, you'll say "Of course!" Not that your grief over this loss is not legitimate or you'll forget it--not at all. But when I look at our beautiful daughter, adopted in February thanks to the graciousness and love of the most amazing birthmom in the world, I am strangely happy that the previous two matches didn't work. Because if they hadn't--we wouldn't have A., or her birthmom K., and I cannot imagine our lives without them.

Of course, that's easy for me to say now, from where I am. As I said, people told me that before when matches failed, and I wanted them to shut up and go away because I wanted THIS baby and I wanted to be a mommy NOW! But...they were right. They were so right.

So hang in there, grieve, and then start again. But judging, questioning or blaming this young woman and her family would be the wrong path to go down.

[AdrienneG]

I am sorry this didnt work out for you. The only thing I can share is the pbmother has the right to take as much time as she needs on whether to place her baby.

Placing a child should NEVER be done with hestitation and doubt ...and a mother who is abivalent about giving up her child for adoption is a mother who is not 100% sure she does not want to parent. And if she is making her choice because of her family or because her family actually knew she doesnt want to place, then the best thing for her is not to place, IMO.

I am sorry this happened to you , especially when you wanted that child. You deserve that much and may you find the child you are meant to raise.

[mommieof2cuties]

I second what you said Good advice

Originally Posted by FH-MMC66

I was just reading along (both places this was posted) absorbing the different perspectives on this situation but now I have to speak up.

I can't imagine ANYONE making a "knee jerk" decision to parent a child. And I am not saying that family members don't put pressure on a birthmom to parent but unless you are right there and sometimes even if you are - what appears to be pressure, may actually be support, especially if the birthmom is young and struggling with her decision.

Adoption and becoming a birthparent only happens AFTER a baby is born and the decision has been made to place AND the legalities of surrender have taken place.

I am sorry for your grief and loss, it is very real and it hurts like hell, however, this new mom is not responsible.

Martha

[ess922]

My heart goes out to you for the roller-coaster of intense emotions you've been through all-in-one day.

I noticed that you posted your experience on a number of forums/boards and hope that somewhere you have received the support you are looking for.

You've gotten great advice already... but might I respectfully add that once you've had time to grieve this loss and dust yourself off to begin again, it might be worthwhile to discuss the situation with your adoption professional. Was this handled appropriately on their part? Were there other things that could have been said or done to explore the situation more fully before bringing you into the picture.

If the expectant mom was not even aware of her pg till the 8th month and then made a fast adoption decision, it doesn't sound like she was given counseling or had any chance at all to really check out her options and supports -- let alone to imagine what she'd feel when the baby was actually born. Maybe your agency was seizing on an opportunity for what they hoped would be a quick placement without giving the expectant mom the space, information and support she really needed to see if adoption really felt right to her.

Maybe you can also re-explore your parameters for a future situation. Maybe it would be best for you to be "matched" either earlier with more time to adjust and get to know the potential birthparent(s) so that you are all developing a relationship over time or later once relinquishments are already signed. Either way, I hope this situation, as sad as it may be, can lead to someplace better for you as you continue to explore how best to build your family through adoption.

All the best, Ellie

[Linny]

I too, am sorry for your loss. But keep this in mind as well: you really wouldn't want to have a baby when the birthmother wasn't sure of her decision? This might seem alright during your pain....but in the longrun, you'd not feel good about this.
Adoption IS such a risk.....and if this birthmother is being pressured to parent...it IS sad...but alas, this is her life, her baby, and her choice. Before our adoption days, I had seen and heard of situations where the grandparents forced the birthmother to keep the baby. It was very often a bad situation for everyone in the end; but.........again, it is her choice.

Would she/Will she change her mind? Perhaps....and maybe not. If I were in your shoes, I would just try to go on. I would not 'hope' for anything, and realize that your baby will come to you at the right time, right place, and with the right frame of mind from the birthparents.

Hang in there, allow yourself to go through the pain; but know that there is light at the end of the tunnel, so to speak.

Sincerely,

Linny