[wannabamom]

Hi all,

I'm really sorry, but have to ask this question. I am a very religious person ususally. I believe in many religions, have gone to different places of worship and continue to pray everyday. But, when something goes wrong in my life (especially, for the past 11 years suffering from IF) and now, being stuck in the adoption process, I seem to start crying and feel so horrible and hate "GOD". which last only for a short while- Thank heavens!!!!! Am I abnormal in feeling this way, and I become so overwhelmed, and can't stop crying.... Well, then I recover and again have the faith that HE knows what he's doing, but it's so draining.. and I feel guilty... Am I alone in feeling like this?????

Thanks,

[AdrienneG]

You are not alone in feeling that way. Maybe counseling would help you to process through those feelings. I really do think something's very wrong with our environment, water, soil for so many people to struggle with infertility. Ive been there dealing with it. I decided I was not going to let it define me. I think that the scientific advent of fertility treatments has given people the wrong impression, that you can just go the IVF route or just take Clomid or whatever, but it doesnt work for everyone, namely people like me.

[cxk04d]

Hello, wannabamom. I can so relate to what you are going through! I have been feeling the same way myself. I am so tired of everyone saying, It will happen in God's time, He knows what is best. I get so frustrated waiting. I have gotten to the point that I don't want to socialize or go to church. I know that God knows what is best, but I feel so helpless waiting. Especially while lots of other friends are having new babies. All I can say is that you are not alone.

[wannabamom]

Thanks guys. I was sad about my IF for a long time, but I've been soooooo looking forward to adoption from a while also, and we've hit a roadblock now, and hence..... I feel so frustrated!!!!!!!!! I've waited from 6 years to adopt and now, it seems like it's going to take longer and maybe we won't get an infant?????????? Well, it's overwhelming and feels so not fair!!!!!! - And I can't help but feel all the old feelings again-====== it'll never happen for me, etc... etc... And I'm an only child, and although cousins are very close, it's not the same!!!!!!!- I feel lost, and just sad!!!!!!!!

[BestLight]

Originally Posted by wannabamom

But, when something goes wrong in my life (especially, for the past 11 years suffering from IF) and now, being stuck in the adoption process, I seem to start crying and feel so horrible and hate "GOD". Am I abnormal in feeling this way, ... Am I alone in feeling like this?????

Hello, wannabamom.

I think you'd be abnormal if you DIDN'T feel this way! Or at least you'd be more saintly than I.

I had these feelings, too, during the transition from IF to adoption, and through all the anxiety from feeling so out of control of my own life.

But now that I look back, it seems like all the while god was building this beautiful mosaic. All I could see was chaos and crap that didn't look like anything -- especially anything good. But really there was an amazingly intricate and fantastic design all along, one I would never have dared conceive of (!) and create and build.

My advice to myself 5 years ago would be to just trust that the master builder had everything under control, and to enjoy the unfoldment.

Congrats for being brave enough to acknowledge your feelings. And good luck with your journey!

[BestLight]

Here's something else that helped me. It may sound out there, but here goes:

One thing I did was to spend some time reaching out to my little one, even before s/he was known of. I would just sit and let my spirit rise to the place where I'm connected to All. Then I would "feel" my child's presence and reassure him/her that we're ready. Please come. We have a warm and loving home for you.

[amyfk]

HI wannabmom,

I read your post.
I was dxed with two health conditions around the time we were trying to conceive. We are in the process of adopting. it's been about 4 yrs. for us trying to become parents.

Im not sure what I thnk now, but I remember in the beginning being very angry with G-d and wondering why he wasn't there for me when I was always a good person. We are Jewish and in fact, one year I was so fed up, we went left for vacation on the day our holiest holidays started. We were driving to the airport while we passed folks who were walking to synagogue. I felt great to be going away, but I did feel somewhat guilty

I am not very religious, but more of a cultural Jewish person. I am not at the end of the adoption Journey, so maybe then I'll see things differently, but yes, it has somewhat made me question faith. I also, dont' believe that it was G-d's will for all of this to happen.

Best of luck to you,
Amy K, NJ

[spaypets]

It's so hard when you don't know the end of the story, isn't it? I was a raging maniac as I waited for our daughter. It was not my finest hour. It felt like forever, although, it only took 18 months from the time we walked into the agency the first time until we brought her home. But if you'd asked me during the process, I would have told you it was taking forever.

IMHO, it's easy to have faith when everything is going your way. It's really, really hard when things seem to be going wrong.

But I will tell you, now, with absolute certainity, that everything works out for the best. I believe that and I hope I will continue to believe that the next time something goes horribly wrong. For one thing, believing that makes going through the hard times easier.

I've learned that it's just easier to stop trying to control what I can't. To stop forcing something that can't be forced. I can look a specific points in my life and see that when I took my hand off the rudder and let the wind take the sail, I steered into a safe harbor. And it was so much easier than fighting the wind.

You can believe in G-d or not, but the universe will talk to you, just listen.

[mamaF]

Originally Posted by wannabamom

Hi all,

I'm really sorry, but have to ask this question. I am a very religious person ususally. I believe in many religions, have gone to different places of worship and continue to pray everyday. But, when something goes wrong in my life (especially, for the past 11 years suffering from IF) and now, being stuck in the adoption process, I seem to start crying and feel so horrible and hate "GOD". which last only for a short while- Thank heavens!!!!! Am I abnormal in feeling this way, and I become so overwhelmed, and can't stop crying.... Well, then I recover and again have the faith that HE knows what he's doing, but it's so draining.. and I feel guilty... Am I alone in feeling like this?????

Thanks,

I think this is totally normal. You are not alone

[jadasfostermom]

You are not alone. I remember those days vividly when I was angry at not only God but everyone else too!! There were times when I could not pray because I felt like God and I had nothing to talk about. But when I did get down on my knees, I made sure to tell Him how I felt...but I really didn't have to do that because He already knew.

But here's the wonderful thing about God. He knows you better than anyone else. He knows what you are going through and he knows when you are hurting. He wants you to come to Him even when you are mad and say, "hey I'm mad, but I still trust you and love you" That's the kind of Father He is. He will forgive your anger and cast it into the sea of forgetfulness.

So yes, it's okay to be mad at Him. As long as you acknowledge your anger, take it to Him and move on. Don't let the anger get you down and make you feel like your child is never coming.

If we could see the end before it got here, we wouldn't need faith would we??

Stay encouraged and keep posting. I'm relatively new to this board but it has helped cheer me up many a day.

[ChristieS]

I have felt exactly the same way. I suffered IF for years, and then finally got to adopt, only to have now four years of continued lititgation and STILL don't know if I will get to keep my son. My belief system was shattered and I am now trying hard to get some sort of belief and faith back, but it is very hard. I have sunk into a terrible depression and maybe you can learn from what I went through: I wish I had gone into counseling LONG (YEARS) before I did. I waited three years into the failed adoption to seek help (we still have my son, but don't know for how long). I went through my breaking point and wished I had not let myself get to that point before seeking help.

I was also one who was determined not to take any medication - "I can do this on my own" - and now wonder how I ever made it without medication. Well, truth is I didn't because I was over the line before I sought help.

Now I am in therapy and on medication and while it is still difficult to get through each day, it is much better than it was. I wish I had not waited so long.

I'm so sorry for what you are going through. It is hell and a long recovery back - but even years and years into it I am still surviving. I am trying hard to get faith in something - I used to have a great faith but it was lost. It is nice to know that at least I can work on it now. I have surrounded myself with friends and family who are big believers and that helps a lot. They pray for me on days I can not pray for myself.

Please feel free to keep in touch with me via db or private. I have been in your hell and am not back yet - but do know how deep and dark it can get and that all you can do is try each day to find a reason to keep on.

I will send angels and warm wishes for healing your way.

Christie S.

[celebratewewill]

you are so not alone. i'm still in a "funny" place with my beliefs, so this is still a process for me. but i was SO ANGRY with any god out there for a few years now. just a lot of $h*t hit the fan in a relatively close time period, and i rejected any religion at all.

this is strange, but something dawned on me one day at work. i am a pediatric nurse, and one of the worst parts of my job is holding down a little one (esp the toddler age-strong enough to fight, old enough to look at you so betrayed, but too young for them to understand why they have to have painful things done to help them get better) while they are crying during an iv start or blood draw. sometimes i tear up too (i'm sooooo tough). one time a little boy was screaming and i told him "you can yell at me; you can be mad at me, it's ok." and it occured to me that maybe that is what god says when we are angry, frustrated, feel betrayed by him. he won't stop being there, guiding you to get better, but during the hard times, if it helps us to "feel" a little better by blaming him, then so be it. he's big enough and knows enough to take it and know that we'll understand one day. maybe not soon, but someday.

but even though our little angel is home, we are not out of the woods with the bfather, and i'm still working on a relationship with a greater being of sorts. but i think the being angry is only human, and it almost helped me to be angry instead of depressed all the time. to me, anger helped me cope better than depression. hang in there, that some day is sooner than you think...at least that's how it was for me. (((((hugs))))))

[hansmom]

Hi

I too know how you are feeling. I would pray everyday that one day soon I too would be come a mom. IF ruled my life for a long time and then adoption took over. I had the fear that maybe motherhood was not in Gods plan for me. But I could not believe that I would have this need this overwhelming desire to be a mother if not for him. I tryed to control every step of the adoption process and then one day I gave all of it over to God and asked him to take care of it all and that I would trust in what was to be. I felt so much better after this. Don't get me wrong it still consumed my thoughts eveyday.

Three months later my beautiful daughter was born. She is a perfect fit for our family. I could not love her any more than I do. I can now look back at the time and see that God gave me the child I was ment to have and that things were falling into place all around me but I could not see them.

Don't give up on Him he is there for you even when you can't see it.

One day too you will lool back and see how it all fell right into place.

[ahimsa]

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I am an atheist, though I did still believe in god 11 years ago when my dad died. I too struggled with similar issues. I then read a book called "When bad things happen to good people". It is written by a rabbi whose four year old son had died. He grappled with the fact that as a rabbi he feels he is doing what god would want, but then his child dies and he doesn't understand why.

It is a really good book and I think is something that could bring you comfort.

Good Luck.

[mom2justynsarah]

I can totally relate. I lost both fallopian tubes due to multiple ectopic pregnancys. I remember feeling so overwhelmed, scared and helpless. When I learned IVF was the only way for me to have a baby, it just shook me to the core.


I remember asking g-d "WHY ME?!" But my prayers were anwered when I conceived my son on my 3rd IVF attempt. It was then, that I said "Thank g-d it was me!"

Well, fast forward a few years. My son had just turned 5, when my mother passed away from breast cancer. Talk about the "I hate g-d" conversations I had with myself.

I really felt angry, baffled, sad and lost. How could g-d take my mother away from me. It was beyond my comprehension. The first year after her death, I was the walking dead. I felt NOTHING!

But then the beginning of the second year began.
One day a friend of mine bumped into another friend. This friend had just adopted the most beautiful baby girl. To make a looooooong story short, we contacted the facillitator she used. In less than 2 months, my miracle baby girl was in my arms.

When I look at my 2 miracle children, I thank g-d for blessing me with them. I now understand why I suffered with infertility. I now understand that my children were supposed to come to me the way it happened.

If you really look at it, if I had NOT gone through a few IVF cycles, I wouldn't have my son. Quite frankly, if my mother hadn't passed, I never would have been brought to my daughter. I now see the reason behind suffering.

One cannot truely appreciate g-d's miracles if we didn't have to go through hard times. When you finally meet your baby, you will understand why you have suffered so much. Things will be put into perspective. You will thank g-d in the end.

Please keep the faith. Things happen for a reason...in g-d's time, not ours.