[Elley]

Well, here we are, almost 1 1/2 years later, still no baby. SIL is pg again, other SIL is pg again, and I'm thankful, don't get me wrong, I only wish God would send us one. I've prayed for both of them to get pg (they wanted to), and I've prayed for us. Has anyone out there felt like you have done everything you could, been as good as a human can be, and hoped and prayed and still left with an empty cradle? I just dont know what God wants me to know or learn or see or live through before He sends our child to us. I don't want to become bitter, but I feel it creeping up and it's hard. I'm also getting so sick of being the one who everyone thinks is just ok with not having a baby, so they will say all those little stinging remarks and know I'll just laugh it off. I swear, the next person who says that it's a good thing that they're repopulating the Sunday School because numbers are diminished is going to get it.

[icunurse]

You will have days, even a week here and there feeling like you do. I know, because I've been there. As happy as you can be for others, you just want your moment, too. I know that there's supposed to be a "plan" for everything in our lives, but it doesn't always seem like it. And there is nothing wrong with not laughing at others jokes (though they may just be doing it because they are uncomfortable themselves) or telling someone that you're having a hard time. You need compassion and support wherever you can get it - adoption isn't easy. All I can tell you (and I know you're probably tired of hearing this) is that when your child comes home to you, it will make all the stuff you've been through start to fade away and the "plan" will make sense. Hugs to you.

[Linny]

Elley:
My heart goes out to you. While we've adopted.....I know it can be very hard to 'wait'....and I know how frustrating it can be to see others 'have babies', and you don't. Especially hard for me, is/was when there were babies that were abused or dumped, and I thought/think, "Why can't WE have that baby????!!!!"

Here are my nuts and bolts questions for you to consider----but you've probably already considered them....but here goes:
1. Have you talked to your agency/attorney as to why you might not have been chosen, concerning your profile?
I say this, because in discussion with our attorney, she mentioned that a couple wasn't even getting the slightest glance by any birthmother, UNTIL they changed some of their photos from looking 'too formal' to looking more relaxed and casual. Within a few months, they had been chosen!

2. Will you only accept babies with certain conditions....in that they must be of a certain eye color, parents must be _____, baby can't have XYZ, etc. Do you narrow the 'field' of possibilities too much?

3. Are you open to any gender, or are you set on one or the other?

And, sometimes, this is just the way it goes. I know people from other boards (and I'm sure here too) that have waited as long as you have, and DO get their baby eventually. It doesn't seem fair, I know. Nothing is very fair in this adoption world, but their baby DID come! ( We have noticed that in our adoptions, we have had to wait 18 months too. )

In fact, we had to turn down the last baby that was presented to us---already born and waiting.... because of events that were happening within our family. THIS literally made me sick; but it was for the best; as much as it made me beyond sad.....

And finally.......you mentioned that you are a praying person........try to hang on to this. I KNOW it's sooo hard (...if you ONLY KNEW how hard I know this is!). God will provide the right baby for you.....He really will. I've found, that when I really LEAST expected it, that's when 'our baby' came. I know that sounds really mundane to hear right now...and coming from someone who has already adopted several.......but you have to know that I am am one that thought and pondered about our 'next baby' ALL of the time. It was rare when I had to think of something else; and yet, when those moments came.......so came the call for a baby---not a match---but a baby, already born, already chosen and/or waiting for us.

Try to keep a good spirit. It can't be easy.....but it's do-able. Time and again, I know of, and I've read of couples who have gotten their babies through the strangest situations......just flat out bizzare ways....and yet, they were 'there', at the right place and timing. At the right time they were to have the baby meant for them.

I hope this gives you some comfort. Please feel free to pm me if I can be of any help to you.....

Sincerely,

Linny

[sissyminsky]

Last year, my sister got married, and within 6 weeks she knew she was pregnant (they were trying)-expecting at the end of November. Together, they had 3 already.
A few months later, someone let it slip that my SIL was expecting in early December.
Finally, my other SIL became pregnant due in April.

Throughout this, we were going through homestudy and WAITING. The tug of war on my emotions was tremendous.

But we do not control how things turrn out, everything comes in its own time and way...

Out of the blue in October, we got the call- a 3 month baby boy-we met the birthmother and were placed together in 2 days. Our baby came FIRST.

And we soon learned to be even more aware of our blessings.

My sister's baby was born healthy in November.
My brother and SIL had their baby in December as planned, but he had a birth defect that will take a few surgeries to correct. And most sadly, my favorite brother and his wife learned that their baby had a condition where it did not form a brain or a skull. He has yet to be born and will not survive more than a few hours or days if he is born alive.

I never wanted anything bad for these families, but I certainly was jealous. Now, I feel that God brings things in his time. I also still feel that we all go through struggles that defy understanding.

I know the wait is all-consuming. I spent lots of time researching all things BABY. The book Baby Bargains and internet searching can provide hours of baby-foucused positive distraction. I even bought a few baby things- girl and boy, different seasons- figuring I could give it to a niece or nephew if I could not use it for my own baby.

I wish your family and you happy, healthy babies.

sissy

[angjohnadopt]

Elley - I'm so sorry you are going through a hard time. I don't have a lot of encouraging words cause I'm in the exact same boat you are - so maybe it's comforting to know you aren't alone. I think all the time that God is just continuing to test my faith and patience and I try to understand but when I see the news say someone beat a child or tried to flush a child down the toilet or something - I don't understand and I am bitter. Ok - I know - not that uplifting - but I do know from all the wonderful people on these boards that it will be worth it. There is some quote that I try to tell myself, "God never said it would be easy, he just said it would be worth it." And there are so many people on here that remind me of that daily. So hang on - there is a child out there for you and it will come - just not in your time or my time, but His time.

If you ever want to chat don't hesitate to drop me a note.
Angela

[wannabamom]

Hi Elley,
OH how I can relate to your feelings, sister!!!!!!! I've been feeling the same things that you're going through for more than 11 years now, treatment after treatment, IUIs, IVFs, etc........ natural M/Cs, and still no baby, and the feeling never goes away, though it did diminish a bit when we started the adoption process a couple months ago, but again, when I hear any delay, any road block, wham!!!! they come back!!!!! "Why me???????", when I see no reason because I feel I've been a good human being, sympathetic, helpful, etc......... and never done anybody any harm!!!!!!- And of course the jealousy, bitterness is natural!!!!! I who had everything that others craved for, now am struggling so much and others have moved on, way past me and I feel ashamed as though it's my fault (though the doctors seem to find none), and nobody understands!!!!! Well, I really wish we could be told the reason for what we go through life, but when I realize what's to happen will happen, I'm just sad but try to go on. That's all we can do, right???? I'm so sorry that you're going through these negative emotions, but we understand here because we're going through the same things too!!!!!! I hope and pray that we all find peace and complete our families soon!!!!!!!! Although it's so sad that we can't have the genetic, biological connection we all crave for, I'm just about ready to become a Mommy, and I really hope that God hears my prayers for all my friends who want to complete their families,

Take care,

[773-mom-to-be]

I'm so glad you came right out with this. While all the upbeat announcements and adoption timelines are wonderful, I think it's really important to let ourselves be angry or sad when we're angry or sad. Anybody who's been through years of treatments and disappointments KNOWS what it's like to put on the happy face all the time. And it only gets compounded when we feel guilty about feeling frustrated, because we don't think we're entitled to EITHER emotion. Well, we are.

It sometimes takes everything in me to deal with pregnant students (as young as 14) who plan to raise their babies. The mantra of the infertile woman -- it's just not fair. Let yourself say that, out loud if you want. The people who are close enough to you to know your situation won't think any less of you for it.

I can only speak for myself when I say that the decision to adopt took away what Jana Wolff calls "the infertility humility." (Buy her book -- "Secret Thoughts of an Adoptive Mother." It's amazing.) It's nice to have GOOD news to tell people, even if it's only that we've completed another baby-step toward activation with our agency. It has also taken away most of that sting...the one that kept me away from baby showers for years. But I say "most" for a reason. I still feel frustrated sometimes, and I let myself. We've been through enough -- too much to try to force ourselves to feel happy and optimistic ALL the time....