[celebratewewill]

ok, we are soon publishing for our dd's bfather, and i was wondering what everyone's experience was with this? and what did you do to keep from thinking about the what ifs and torturing yourself? i look at her and cannot imagine another day without her. and when it's quiet, sometimes the bad thoughts creep in. any advice?

[ChristieS]

We went through that and it is agonizing. I would comfort myself by saying very few people ever even read the legals in the paper. In a lot of cases, as in mine, we posted and then the bmom came forward and said who it was - so we then began to have to address him directly. It is very scary. Many times the bmom knows exavtly who it is, but doesn't say. One thing I kept telling myself was that if the birth father cared at all he would have already come forward - and that is often the case - they don't want to be identified.

Hang in there and remember that the birth father 1) probably doesn't want any part of it and 2) who reads the legal sections anyway?

This is a very necessary part of the adoption process; remind yourself of that. Each day that you have your baby brings you another day closer to a final adoption. Also, even if the birth father does come forward you have other avenues such as abandonment.

Keep us posted and hang in there - you will make it through this part!

[tomandcate]

Tina,

I know how this feels and I know it is unimagineable, even after 2 weeks, to think of having to "give back" your precious child.

My DH and I promised ourselves that if our son's bdad came forward, we would not "fight" him because it would be his right to parent, and our son's right to be raised by his bdad if bdad could, and wanted to, parent.

In our case, there was another angle involved and it meant two court dates over a six week period. We did not get the final word, that no one was going to contest the adoption, until our son had been with us for 11 weeks.

We had completely and utterly bonded with him, and fallen hopelessly in love with him by that time. The only way I could even fathom having to let him go was to tell myself that no matter what happened, I had given him the absolute best of myself, the most loving first 11 weeks of life anyone could have given him.

And I put it in God's hands...prayed a lot...for strength and patience, and the faith to understand that God had a plan for our precious baby.

Live each day to the fullest, love that little girl with all your heart, and know that you are giving her exactly what she deserves no matter what the future brings.

Cate

[celebratewewill]

thank you so much for your responses. after our last failed adoption, my faith has dwindled. it was hard enough after 3 days, and now it's been more than 2 weeks....i just can't fathom it. i can't even imagine how we'd recover again. i honestly think i'd have to check into a mental ward for a year, lol. or not lol, maybe seriously.

there definately has not been support shown to ella's bmom, so there is that arguement, but i have no idea what kind of guy her bdad is; he could be a normal, nice guy, or not. and that would determine our fight. but i dont want to make that an arugement here, i just wanted to know how you got through it, how often in your experiences that bdads read the legals. our atty seems to think we'll be fine, but as i've said before, once bitten, twice shy.

[sugarbabysmommy]

Cate, I really commend you for your approach. It's so hard to imagine your child leaving you.

To the OP, one day at a time is all I can say. The unknown is brutal and can eat away at you. I have a question and I don't mean to sound hurtful or harsh, since I know how fragile you feel. If it's possible that you could know more about the father, is it ok with you that you don't? If it's possible that he could be found and contacted and given the chance to choose to terminate voluntarilty rather than by default (like with publishing), would you do this? I say if it's possible because I know sometimes it's not possible to find out more, but... sometimes it is and fear keeps us from asking. I don't expect you to answer here, just consider what your answers might be.

Take care,

[sugarbabysmommy]

Originally Posted by Christie S.

One thing I kept telling myself was that if the birth father cared at all he would have already come forward - and that is often the case - they don't want to be identified.

Respectfully, that's not universally true. Please visit this thread:
Unwed Fathers Fight for Babies Placed for Adoption by Mothers

If you keep reading the thread for a while you'll see a post I made about someone I personally know who wasn't given the chance to come forward, but who very much loves a cares for his child.

[ucme4dk]

We published for Abby's birthfather. We had to wait until she was almost 2 due to a judge snafu in the state of NV. That waiting for the judge happened to be much more concerning for us than the actual publishing! We only had a first name though. Our attorney said that when publishing to terminate rights, he had yet to have a biofather come forward. I think that publishing unfortunately is just a formality these days, and is not really used to match bio children with thier fathers. Congratulations on your daughter! I hope all goes well.
All the best,

[traceyk]

We didn't have to publish because TX has a Putative Father Registry. But it was the scariest 30 days of our lives! Although we were assured by the agency that he wouldn't come forward due to the circumstances around her conception and even if he did he wouldn't have a chance, we still panicked because the thought of not having her in our lives would devastate us. Hang in there and good luck!

[danhanan]

We had to publisht after having our DD for over a year. It was a very trying time and I knew that the area we had to publish in was one where several family members lived and one owned a pretty large business. Add that to the fact that they have very strong family ties and wouldn't be at all in favor of "one of theirs being adopted out" gave us plenty of reason to fret. Nothing came of it and the process went along smoothly and quickly. I hope and pray that the same happens for you. I'm sure it will.
Congratulations on your daughter.

[Casey677]

We published, not because dd's bdad was unknown, but we didn't know his whereabouts. We published for a long time- 2 weeks, I think. We got no response from the ad, but we did end up learning his location from another source and then we had the adoption papers served to him.

It all worked out fine, but I remember being pretty nervous.

[danhanan]

Our situation was a lot like Casey's in that we new the name (actually had met and gotten to know the bdad) but he left and we had only a vague idea of where he was. Nothing came of the ad itself, but he showed up (from 1500 miles away) a week or two before the hearing to terminate and bless his heart, decided to sign because he thought it best. However, we had to publish in the area he wa thought to be in for two consecutive days two consecutive weekends. No one in his family circle or any one they knew seemed to have seen the ad or he would have called. His reason for coming back to our state was because he had other kids here.

[celebratewewill]

oh my gosh, i cannot imagine after a year or TWO!!!!!!! talk about losing your mind!! or mine, lol!


i would love to know who ella's bfather is, more about him, have an open relationship with him if possible. but i get scared he is one of those "types" of men (in no way am i saying this is the typical bfather, b/c our last adoption that fell through was due to a bfather wanting to parent, and we weren't going to fight that) who just doesn't want to be involved, but doesn't want to reliquish his property either. i guess what gets me is that i wonder what would have happened if the bmom decided to parent and he knew this child existed but didn't care to do anything until suddenly his title of dad could be lost. i have no idea if he really knows about this little girl...it's just feelings i picked up (could be paranoia, i'll admit it!) from our conversation with the bmom....

i am just scared, and not sure of what we will do if someone comes forward...just asking what yall's experience has been. we will be publishing for 4 weeks. to sugarbabysmommy, we do not know any address or last name, and we hired an investigator to find him based on the first name and other info bmom gave him. since he wasn't found, now we are publishing. of course, my ideal situation is for both parents to be in agreement. we almost didn't accept this situation b/c of what happened in december, and we had decided that we only wanted to work with situations where both parents were on board...but this kinda fell in our laps, and after meeting bmom, we instantly clicked, had so much in common, i can't explain it other than it just felt right. i'm trying to follow what i feel is our path, i'm just scared to death. i keep looking at her and saying all this anxiety is worth it, our journey to become her parents. and to think i thougth that after we brought a baby home it would be teh easy part!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[sugarbabysmommy]

Originally Posted by celebratewewill

and to think i thougth that after we brought a baby home it would be teh easy part!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yeah... I definitely know what you mean. It's great that you hired a PI to search for him, I'm sorry you had so little information go on. That might be a pretty big deal to your kid in the future to be able to say you looked for him. So she hasn't told you outright whether or not he knows? Do you all have a counselor through your agency who can discuss with her what her decision about informing him means, I mean the emotional aspect as well as legal (for him, her, and the baby, and you two)? Take care, fear is a cruddy feeling.

[celebratewewill]

Originally Posted by sugarbabysmommy

Yeah... I definitely know what you mean. It's great that you hired a PI to search for him, I'm sorry you had so little information go on. That might be a pretty big deal to your kid in the future to be able to say you looked for him. So she hasn't told you outright whether or not he knows? Do you all have a counselor through your agency who can discuss with her what her decision about informing him means, I mean the emotional aspect as well as legal (for him, her, and the baby, and you two)? Take care, fear is a cruddy feeling.

we do have a counselor, and the bmom is very adament with all the details she has given; like i said, i just may be being paranoid and looking for things that are not there, ya know? she stated that by the time she realized she was pregnant, they had stopped seeing each other for a while (a month or so? i'm not sure). paranoia strikes deep...into your mind it will creep.

so to keep busy, i'm trying to burn pacifiers (see my other thread).

[sugarbabysmommy]

Originally Posted by celebratewewill

so to keep busy, i'm trying to burn pacifiers (see my other thread).

Yummy, bet that smells good