[jaenelle]

Okay, here's the situation. DH and I live in a small town that is almost exclusively white -- DH and I included. There are literally two biracial kids I can think of, maybe 3. No full AA or full Hispanic or full ANYTHING except white and maybe Hispanic. There are a couple of Hispanic families here.

I was wondering (and I don't mean to cause offense -- just asking an honest question) if there was anyone else who lived in a small town or an area that is predominately white and adopted a child of another race, and what your experiences were with that.

DH and I would be fine, thrilled, blessed, with a child of ANY race and are seriously considering being open to any race when we adopt.

My concern is for the child. I think it would be hard for a child of another race to grow up in a place where they are obviously so different. We are pretty well "rooted" here and more than likely will not be moving for a long time, if ever.

Does anyone have any experience with this? Is the love of parents enough to overcome the prejudice of other people? I know that realistically a child of any non-white race is going to encounter prejudice no matter where they are, but I would assume (maybe incorrectly -- and please correct me if I am wrong) that it would be easier in a place that was more mixed racially.

I want to do what is best for the child, overall. That is my main concern. I don't want to delude myself -- if it really would be better for a child of another race to live in a place where there are more people "like them" then that is what I would want for that child, but if there are some people who have had positive experiences with this, then I would love to hear them. I would like to be as open to different possibilities as we can be, but I don't want to do it if it's really not going to be good for the child that we adopt.

[nycfsa]

That's a really good question. We went thru the same thought process since we also live in a very "white" town.

We were referred to our adoption attorney by a friend of mine in town who had adopted 2 biracial children. She doesn't seem to think it's a problem, and her husband is the principal of one of the elementary schools in town.

As it turns out, both of our boys are Hispanic. My husband is Italian-American and has fairly dark skin, so when he's with us some people definitely assume that he's their biological father. It's kind of surprising to me, though, because my older son definitely looks Mexican (which he is), not Italian. But whatever.

We haven't had too many comments about race, although one little boy on the playground just yesterday asked his mother if my son was white, then he said to my son "Are you white?" Fortunately, my son is only 2 and had no idea what the kid was talking about. One other time we were on vacation in a small New England town and my son was drinking mango juice. A man walked by, looked at the juice, and said "It looks like that's ethnic for him!" What???

Overall, though, I don't think my kids are going to have a problem growing up non-white in a white town. I think as long as they feel secure in the family and know that YOU don't feel awkward about it, they'll be OK.

[LisaCA]

let me speak from an AA experience: growing up where there are no other people of color is not ideal at best and stinks at worst. you are always viewed as different, either exotic or just odd. I could go on forever, but i'll stop .

this website has a ton of info on transracial adoptions:

http://www.pactadopt.org/press/artic...ansracial.html

good luck.

[Lexie]

As an AA who grew up in a really small predominently white town---I can say there are pros and cons. In a small town people know who you are. They are less likely to put all of the stereotypes on you because you are not the black kid--you are so and so, son or daughter of so and so. Growing up I could walk in a store without money and tell the owner that I was taking an apple or whatever and ask them to write it down so my mom would pay when she came in...which could be anytime that week or the next. No one assumed I was trying to steal it. Now as an adult I can go to a boutique in NYC and have the entire store staff following me assuming I am going to steal something.

That said, as I got older I definitely felt more conspicious. It was hard during teen years ( dating or lack thereof). For the prom I did not go to my own prom, I went with an AA friend of the family ( and basketball star--lucky me) from a few towns over that was a more diverse town. It was interesting because after the prom the AA kids all went to a separate after-party so we could hear music that we liked. I did not hang out in that town that much--but it was great fitting in for a change.

[Linny]

This question has been discussed on other forums here; and not so long ago either. I am 're-posting' a response I gave on another forum to a similar question. I hope it helps.

Now I'll go out on a limb here.......

While I think it's important for you to consider how this child will grow up.......it is more important (IMO).....for you to recognize how you both will feel about this child.

Situations change. Neighborhoods change. (We live in a very rural area...predominately white......10 miles from the nearest college town that is more diverse.)......but, I can tell you that---for most of their years---we raised our first two within this environment, very successfully.....and they are Asian. Our youngest two are AA, and still toddlers.

Yes, there are concerns. Yes, there will be some hurdles to overcome...but the bottom line in everything I have read is 'how will you deal with forever being a family of color?'


Are you both prepared to cry, laugh and discuss with your child about this hard world of racism? Is there a chance that you will continually wish you had a bi-racial child, or CC baby instead? And....given that this baby might be AA......will you be disappointed that s/he might not have a lighter complexion, or more CC features?

One of the saddest things I have seen...is when adoptive parents go into transracial adoption.....and continually try to make the child/baby seem 'lighter'.....try to 'play down' the darker complexion'........or read about the parents talking about 'how this baby just doesn't seem to be like ours......'

These are the things I find more important. You can always find more people to be with, a new neighborhood, a different church, it's true. But, if there is even a twinge of 'gee, I wish s/he were lighter, or really CC'......then I think there are deeper issues here that need to be addressed before taking in any child of color.

Please understand, I do not mean to offend you. I can appreciate that you're asking questions because you and your husband are taking this move seriously. (And this is good, because I don't think a lot of people do...)

But, it's the 'gut-level' feeling I would be paying more attention to. After all......regardless of color, this baby/child/teen and adult will be depending on you to steer them through life, love them and be by their side. At the end of the day, it's that relationship that will be paramount in the scheme of things, I think.

My best to you in whatever you decide....

Sincerely,

Linny

[sneezyone]

I think Lexie, Linny and Lisa have good points. Different children are going to react to that circumstance differently and the way that you parent affects how your children cope.

I look at it this way...

If there's only one of you and few people have any experiences with people like you, then theoretically there are fewer expectations of how you're supposed to behave and you are free to be who you really want to be. In practice, tho, it's really not so freeing to carry the mantle for an entire race/ethnicity and set the standard by which others will be judged.

What's more common is that there are very few of you close-by but there are many others just out of town (of whom people may or may not have favorable impressions). In this case, you may be unneccessarily constrained (expected to do/be as they are) since that's all that people know. To be an individual means you may become estranged from the only people who look like you. To be as they are may mean not being true to yourself. Not a fun choice to have to make.

The latter was the situation I was faced with and it was a very painful time in my life (there were fewer than 10 blacks in a graduating class of 300+). Dating was a challenge. Being smart was a challenge. Not being into cheerleading was a challenge (jk).

Yep...plain ol' challenging.

[traceyk]

We live in a town of 1200 and our baby is one of three AA people in our town. So far we have had no problems what so ever. Of course when we were originally in the beginning stages our older two girls told everyone we were adopting an AA baby and the rumors ranged from: we are moving to Africa to we adopted from Africa, and then everyone kept asking the older two if they were adopted too, go figure Our two teens say that there are no problems for the few AA kids that go to their high school either (their HS has 300 kids from grades 7-12, and the 300 kids come from 3 different towns). We do make a point of visiting the nearby college town so she can get some culture of all sorts.

I probably should add that DH, our teens and I are CC.

[redhedded]

Katie, I think it is important that you are thinking about this now and considering, most of all, how this will affect any future child(ren.) I would like to say that love, deep unconditional love, support, encouragement and giving a child a strong sense of self and esteem is enough. I think that there is not a single thing more important than doing that. But. . . I think that living in a racially homogenous area will, at some point, if only for a time, be really hard for an only child of color, be it AA, Asian or Latino.

I, however, believe like Adrienne; life is hard. Children learn how to feel about themselves and how they fit into the world, initially, by the family experiences and support that they have, the constant positive verbal reenforcement of who they are and who they can be. Then, even at very young ages, that foundation becomes broadened by the experiences that they have outside of the circle of family and friends, outside of home and in school, in their communities.

There are many things that make us different that can create challenges, many many things that will make us worry about our children. I think the key is being aware and addressing (open communication, broadening your circle, opportunites, experiences for your child.) Being a child with a physical, developmental or other challenge makes children different; depending on your community, being a child of a single mother or divorced parents makes one really different. Sometimes being a child with not a lot of economic advantages makes kids really different, again relative to his community. I have a child who is very very different from her peers, not because she is AA and we are not, not because she is adopted, but because she has the (rare) intellect of a 12 year old in a 3 year old body.

I have two AA children adopted at birth. I am Irish American and my dh is Thai. We live in a very diverse community, a large university town, where our circle is diverse, our neighborhood is predominantly one of color, we can choose from many AA physicians, dentists, etc for our child. We have the opportunity everyday to expose our children to people who look like they do, not in passing, but in close contact, and to expose them to a very wide variety of traditions, culture and life experiences. It is at our fingertips, but you can do the same if you make the effort and realize the value. It may just take a lot more work, which is irrelevant if you are willing.

A bit off topic. I was in the store last week with my babes. Another mother was at the very end of our aisle. She repeatedly yelled at her son (who was young and sitting in the cart) then called him a fat stupid a((. My eyes filled up with tears as I heard her, I had already turned the corner to the next aisle. I stood there in shock. These family interactions, this language, this lack of respect of this little person, no matter how small, who has feelings and understands and who internalizes now and processes all of those messages then later builds his self awareness and pride or lack thereof on these words will suffer.

So yeah, what a child needs is love, support, encouragement, someone who believes that he and his spirit is special and wonderful, someone who supports him, his ideas, his feelings, someone who gives him attention and listens with ears and heart about challenges, needs, experiences. Children need a circle of support, of family, friends, of emotional and spiritual wellness around them, whether a small circle or a huge one; that constant love support and awareness of their needs and individuality, is what gives any child the strength to face this world, head on and give it his best and his all. If you can do that, then I say you have a good start.

[sneezyone]

I just feel the need to point out that it is highly unlikely that those few aa kids are going to announce to their peers that they are experiencing any problems - whether they be overtly racist experiences or feelings of inner turmoil. Jaenelle, if you're really interested in knowing how your small community reacts to people of color, why not talk to those few minorities who presently live there and/or send their children to school there? They may, in fact, welcome the opportunity to share their feelings. Also, developing those friendships now will a) help you gain a better understanding of what your child might face and b) give you some additional social outlets for your transracial family (should you choose to become one).

[redhedded]

Katie, I wanted to add: I stated that I thought there was a time that would be really hard for a minority child in a predominantly "white" community. I think that there is a time, short or not, that every child (teen) struggles. It is part of the human cycle of becoming mature and spreading your wings a bit, part of finding an identity. So I think whether you are adopted or not, resemble your family or not, popular/comfortable in your peer group or not; regardless of whether you have a healthy and supportive, loving family each child has his own challenges. Transracial adoption, like any adoption, is just another potential hurdle, that depending on the personality of your child, may or may not be an issue.