[Hollygirl]

Have any of you ever considered living a childless life? I was told about 3 weeks ago that biological children are basically impossible. Adoption is a scary but possible option. My dream has always been to be a mommy. It was always my goal to get married and then have babies. What if my life is to take a different direction. Should I be 100% sure that adoption is the right path before I ever begin the process or is it alright to begin the journey with a heart full of doubt. All I do know is that my dream of being pregnant with my husband's child is lost. I thought that adoption was the answer, now I am not so sure. My life is full of people who remind me every day of my youth. "You're only 24." is what they say. It is a frustrating but true reality. Am I not mature enough to take the appropriate steps? I feel lost. Would a childless life leave me feeling empty and useless? Are there great things that I should set out to accomplish? Where will my road lead?

Sorry for the vent session.

[Casey677]

Hi, Kristin. Everyone is different. What is right for one, is not right for the other.

My husband and I married in April 2002. We quickly realized that we had some type of fertility issues although the cause was never discovered- unexplained. We quickly moved on to adoption when I was 26 and dh was 28. Adoption for us was not an easy journey. We first signed on with an agency that was not a good fit for us. We had two failed attempts through them. Then I met an emotional scammer on my own- UGH. We then finally signed on with a facilitator and three months later our beautiful dd was born.

For us being childless was not an option. Going through endless infertility procedures was also not an option. Adoption was. It was not a quick and easy way to becoming parents, but we stuck to it and are so glad that we did.

I wish you well in whatever you decide!

[JoEvans]

Hey Sweetheart,

Listen to your heart. I have had an "empty nest" now for about 10 years. And sometimes its wonderful. But then again, I am so baby hungry right now. I miss having a youngin in the house. Children are very special! And if you believe that is where you should be, an adopted parent, then God bless you and best of luck. Best wishes on your decision.

[mumofone]

For us, we were determined to make our dreams of parenthood a reality. Although I mourned the loss of ever becoming pregnant, I did not give up the dream of becoming a mom.

In the end, it did not matter how our children entered our lives.....it only mattered that they did.

Infertility robbed me of so many things, but it did not control my spirit.

We were blessed with two children through adoption.

[SydneyRN]

Kristin,
I'm not exactly sure how to answer your question but I'll try. I had a hysterectomy at age 26, about 2 months after I met my soon-to-be husband (and I knew shortly after we met that I would marry him). I had known since I was 16 that I would not be able to carry a child and had looked forward to adopting. However, I was not at all prepared for the grief that followed the hysterectomy. I mean, why should I grieve losing it when I had known all along that it didn't work? But, grieve I did (and still do some days).

From looking at your timeline, it looks like you had a major loss in January (we lost our referral in January too and it's been rough!) and then had any hopes of conceiving a child dashed in February. Take some time to grieve. These questions don't have to be answered right now! Deciding to stay childless is a decision that can always be overturned. Adopting when you're struggling with deep issues will only aggravate those issues (in my opinion).

It sounds like you have a strong desire to be a mom. Adoption is a scary process and can lead to lots of heartache. But, if you want to be a mom, it's a great option. After we lost our first referral I was devestated. Then, our agency called about another child. I remember being on the phone to my mom while I was on my way to my husband's office to open the email with the pictures. I asked my mom if I was crazy, I had just been hurt and here I was considering opening my heart to another child. She told me, "If you want to be a parent, it's something you'll have to do." She assured me I wasn't crazy.

I don't know if that helped or not! I hope that your path becomes more clear to you.

[proudmommyof 2]

Kristin,


I would be more worried if you were ready to jump into adoption without reservations-that would tell me you weren't really thinking it through.

I agree you need to take some time to grieve the loss of your chances of becoming pregnant.

We started TTC when I was 22. We were never given a reason for not conceiving-it was always-you'll be preg. in 6 months. We didn't try long before moving into adoption, because we had always planned on adopting 2 after we had 2 bio. Well, 2 adoptions later, I couldn't be happier. There are still times that I wish I was/could be pregnant, but it's more of a passing thought I have, instead of a feeling of devestation. I think it would have been easier, if 8 years ago, they said I couldn't have children.

We are never sorry that we adopted.

It is scary. It's a lot of work, and takes a lot of faith.

But in the end, I'm a mommy now. It no longer matters to me how I got there.

Good luck!

[sneezyone]

Doubt means don't.

It doesn't mean don't ever, just not right now. If I'm not 100% sure I'm doing the right thing, chances are that I'm not. Of course, like the other posters said, everyone's different and only you know yourself well enough to know how significant your doubts are. I just think adoption is hard enough without going into it with both partners being equally committed to making it work. I'd give yourself some time to grieve and be at peace with your situation before marching down a new path.

[BlessedBe]

{{{HUGS}}}

I know you're frustrated right now and I commend you for discussing this option with your husband so that you make the right choice for yourselves.

However...

If we had not persevered for 10 years with and through all of the following:

An ectopic pregnancy, umpteen failed Clomid cycles, 3 failed IUI's, a premature ovarian failure DX at the age of 29, 2 failed fresh donor embryo IVF's, 1 failed frozen embryo transfer (I've had a total of 7 perfect embryos transferred to my "out of business" uterus that did not make it), two prior failed adoption matches, lots of heartbreak, and too many tears to count...

Our lives would not be as full and rich as they are today and our hearts would not be melting each and every time we see our baby boy's wide, toothless grin when he looks at us.

We labored in love for DS and I thank God that we did - he was surely worth the wait!!!

[Guspiv]

Choosing to adopt is a very personal decision that only you and your husband can make. I do believe that you should be 100% that you can unconditionally love and accept a child that you adopt BEFORE you start the process. That does not mean you can not start preliminary research. I believe that research and education will help you come to your decision.
Good Luck.

[amyfk]

Hi Holly

I hope this letter finds you well. I felt I had to respond to your letter even though I go on another webboard.

I had always dreamed of being a mother and I had just assumed that Id get pregnant. Even as a teenger and as a gal in my early twenties I knew I wanted to be a mom.

I am now 34 yr. old. I have a health condition which I have to take medications for. Lo and behold about two years ago, I tried to get off of my medication in order to get pregnant. The result wasnt too good- I felt quite ill. Unfortunately the medicines are not good for a pregnancy. Basically I was devastated

At the time(and still) I saw a shrink. I had never thought of adoption, but my therapist gave me the idea. I just always assumed that"other people adopt." At first I remember being SO MAD that I couldnt have a biological child that I told my therapist that i wanted to throw one of his knicknacks through his wall! (luckily he discouraged me).

Lo and behold, a few months went by and I started thinking more about adoption. My husband and I decided to move forward. We started researching the various types of adoption, domestic vs. intl., various agencies, etc etc. This took time though.

I certainly went through it, and I believe almost all women who cannot/will not conceive naturally will go through a grieving period. If I were you Id take this time to go through this period and just generally try to pamper yourself and your husband. If you find you need the help of an IF support group or therapist, by all means take advantage. Some folks need the extra support. During this time you may want to concentrate more on work, your friends, take day trips, a vacation to the Caribbean(not bad) etc.

After you deal with the initial reality I would revisit all of the options that you have open to you. You may find you and your husband prefer to be childless(or childfree as I and many others now call it). Folks that dont have children save up more money, can take more trips, retire earlier, and dont have the stress of working and dealing with sick children etc.

However, you may really feel that you still want to be a mom. Thank goodness today there are options for folks who want to parent but cannot have a biological child for whatever reasons. We thought about surrogacy,(seemed a bit expensive), and adoption. We decided to go with adoption as we figured we'd already give a preexisting kid a home, and it was less expensive. We're trying to do an intl. adoption, adn I figured I'd like that as I like to see new places.

Give yourself time to get over the idea that you will most likely not have a biologial child. That may take a little time in itself. After that keep your options open. You may want to get active on these boards, or join an adoption or surrogacy or infertility support group. Resolve is one of the big groups and they have conferences and support groups on all of the family building options, and I even think they discuss childfree living as well.

Take care of yourself. Things somehow have a way of working out in the end. You dont have to have all of your life answers upfront.

If you want to get in touch with me, PM me, as I'm not a regular on this board.

Sincerely,
Amy K, NJ

[blessedbybug]

For us, it was a matter of trying it on for awhile. We didn't do it long but in spurts...we didn't have a lot of time (I was 30, DH 44 when we married) to think about it though. Each time we returned to the fact that even though TTC or adoption were hard, we really wanted to be parents.

You have to do what is best for you. If you want a child then go for it. If you don't think you are ready yet, do some research and then decide.

[BestLight]

Hi, Holly.

I know how dark it is where you are. Grieving over your lost dream is a process...one that you DO eventually get through.

Check out the book, Sweet Grapes: How to Stop Being Childless and Start Being Childfree. It's helpful because it takes you from a place of powerlessness to knowing you DO have control over something. You CAN choose among three options: 1) more fertility treatments; 2) adoption; 3) living childfree. Each has pros and cons, and YOU GET TO CHOOSE.

Prior to reading this I saw myself as a victim. I had no choices. I had no future. OMG, it was so dark and depressing.

It was this reclaiming of choice that opened me up to adoption.

Originally Posted by Hollygirl

Should I be 100% sure that adoption is the right path before I ever begin the process or is it alright to begin the journey with a heart full of doubt.

For me, waiting until I'm 100% sure of ANYTHING is like waiting until all the lights are green before I go to the store. You don't do that. You go and the lights tend to turn green as you get to them. Most of the wonderful things I've done in my life were because I just kept going through doors as they opened for me.

Yes, you can be childfree. Yes, you can adopt. Yes, you can heal from the pain you feel at the moment.

I wish for you peace and healing.

[Oliver1]

"Are there great things that I should set out to accomplish? Where will my road lead?"

I cannot even begin to offer you any valuable advice on your journey. And I know pretty much everyone on these boards can relate to the loss of your dream and so I can't offer anything new there. Everyone needs to cope in their own way and in their own time.

The only thing I can say with certainty is that we choose to pick up the pieces and find new dreams or we choose to wither away. And with those new dreams - no matter what that dream may be - we can find that we are accomplishing great things every single day in our lives and the lives of others.

Everyone can accomplish great things: as a wife, a parent, a daughter, a sister, or a neighbor. To love unconditionally is a great accomplishment. To continue to have faith and believe in a dream is a great accomplishment. To go through a loss and come out stronger, with character, scars and depth is an accomplishment. Some days, just pulling yourself from under the covers instead of pulling the covers up over your head is a great accomplishment.

No one can tell you where your road will lead you - maybe you will be a parent, maybe you won't. Life can be fulfilling in so many different ways. Maybe the right question isn't "where will your road lead you"; but maybe the right answer is "you can choose to pave your own way to your specific brand of greatness."

[redhedded]

I have no advice but think that BestLight's was awesome and inspiring. I wish you the best on your journey.

[LisaCA]

I remember being 24 and discussing having my tubes tied. no doc would do it because I wasn't old enough and I didn't have any other kids. constantly got the "you'll change your mind" and "you're not old enough." so fast forward to 44, I have no bio children and that's the way I planned 20 years ago, only they made me take bc pills (which led to blood clots) etc. ugh.

anyway, I empathize. You can know what you want at 24, pure and simple. That said, you do have the luxury of some time to think about what you want. There are treatments for almost everything or ways around it. only you and your dh can decide what's best for you. I know Resolve has some groups to meet and discuss these sorts of things. I'd encourage you to go that route.

it's good to explore all the options. dh and i were quite happy without children and I could see us leading a great life as a couple that were childfree. it is a great option to explore as well as all the other options.

I hope you find some resolution.

Lisa