[steph4673]

AHHHHHH!! So, my DH's family still hasn't come around. They think that we should keep trying for our own "since we have such a beautiful biological child". They literally made me feel like they will never accept an achild. We've decided to go transracial adoption and that just pisses mother-in-law off even more. Can you believe after all the little comments she still wants to come and visit us? She actually wants to know when the adoption will happen so she can come before!! I've had it with them!! I just don't know what to do anymore about his family. I feel like they beat us down everytime we want to talk about something positive. DH said as much to her on the phone and she told him that I'm manipulative and that she doesn't want to talk to any of us anymore. Now, DH is upset cause he feels like his own mom just got disowned him. I seriously need some advice. We are so excited about this adoption but can't get out from under this oppressive cloud (his family). Sorry for the book but I'm running out of options.

[Mared2chuck]

I know how you feel. I have learned to keep negative commets about DH's family to myself even if he says something that I can truly pick up and go with... That way if he has a thought it truly is his own and I have had nothing to do with it. Our adoption of my nephew was not a good idea to my MIL. She thought of every reason we shouls not do it. She had my Dh convinced of it too. (at first he thought it was a great idea and was completely onboard until he talked to her). In the end it was our ecision and we made the choice to adopt. He is the light of our life and has completed us in a lot of ways. My MIL now loves him and gets angry with me because she says I don't let her spend enought time with him (funny). She offers to babysit often and I decline because I don't need a sitter I take my son with me everywhere I go. Things will get better if you just back out of your DH's relationship with his mom. She sounds like she likes control. He will figure it out and deal with her on his own. Keep a low profile and that way she will realize it is her son who has these thoughts and not you. Good Luck. God Bless.

[aMarylandfamily]

... and how sometimes you just want to scream.

One of the things that I have learned to do over the years .... with both families! .... is to make sure they are aware of basic plans (i.e., we are looking into adoption) and then not providing anymore details until the next major step (i.e. child joins our family on such and such a date) ... inviting them to participate in an event (dinner, birthday etc) withough expecting them to show - if they do great - if not - your family is now you and you have to make a go of it ... and it will be harder for dh - mine is still wondering sometimes why his can't be apart of our life ... and sometimes they send us a life boat and then pull the anchor days later and run ... so just roll with things - don't let them ruin your joy but don't shut them out totally and take one day at a time ... of course dh always say "biting the tongue hurts" ... last week he wasn't even biting it and the front tooth broke ... hmmm - maybe stress crack (ha ha).

Take care and keep posting - no one understands quite like those of us who are walking in the same shoes and we can always pick each other up ... even from the most hateful of gestures or comments!!! Remember that!

[kelleymac]

I'm so sorry. I've experienced this one generation removed (my grandparents) so I know how you feel. It sounds to me as though your MIL is the one who's manipulative, unfortunately. We made the choice not to deal with my grandparents as it was just too difficult, too much upheaval, etc. I saw my grandfather for the first time in 16-years a week ago and he didn't acknowledge me, not that I was surprised.

I think if you feel strongly that transracial (or any) adoption is right for your, then go for it. Be sure you're aware that you may be alienating your in-laws, though and work through those feelings beforehand.

You could try letting them know that you WILL proceed regardless of what they say, so if they can't say something nice, you don't need to discuss it. That never worked with my grandparents, but it's worth a shot.

Adopting our son is the best thing that had ever happened to us.

Kelley

[LisaCA]

imho, the relatives do have to be taken into account, since your child will be part of this family. I would say adopt only if you're willing to do what it takes to protect your child from the comments and nonverbal communication of these relatives. It is possible they'll come around when the child arrives, but you should be prepared to cut ties if need be. your child certainly doesn't need the negativity of relatives.

good luck. relatives, esp inlaws can be "difficult".

Lisa

[lovebeingmom2006]

I went through the same thing with my in-laws. One of my sister-in-laws (a minister) told me that she was totally against adoption because she doesn't want other peoples children in the family. Can you believe that. I just ignored them and never spoke of it again until the week before placement. They recently had a shower for me and told me (in so many words) that they now accept him. But I could care less if they don't accept him. It is there lose.

My advice, ignore them, don't talk about the adoption with them. This is between you and your husband. Know that it will be hard, family members are the worst. You are going to have to be very strong if you decide to go through with a transracial adoption. Think about this "are you willing to stand against the world for your child"? We live with racism everyday, can you?

[hotspice58]

Family can be the worst. I go through it with my mother only it's not race or culture. I'm an AA foster/adopting 2 AA brothers. Mom says subtle negative things about men and it drives me crazy. One problem is I live with her; as soon as I move(working on it as we write), I'm outta there. My boys have been through enough without hearing men-bashing.

[Karma]

Wow, so sorry to hear of all of your struggles with your extended families not being accepting of your child. My DH and I are so blessed with such loving, supportive and accepting families, more so than we ever expected.

karma

[jillned]

I have posted about this subject before. Our DS is 15 months old so thats how long it's been since we've actually had a conversation with my inlaws. We see them at other famly gatherings but DH never says more than hello to them. We now have DD which I'm sure they know about through other family but we never informed them. Our kids are so awesome that I don't think DH gives it a second thought anymore what his parents think.

[Oliver1]

To put it mildly, that really sucks that the family isn't supportive! I've heard this a lot of times before and it always makes me sad because no one really wins in this situation. I don't agree that family should be cut out completely and not taken into consideration. I just can't help but think what example is that setting for my own children? That if I don't agree with their choices or if I have different opinions, the relationship is over? No second, third, fourth or fifth chances? What am I teaching them about forgiveness, compassion and sacrifice? Would I want my children not to have any memories of their grandparents, aunts or uncles at all?

While I totally agree that we need to shield our children from hurtful words and ignorant statements, I also think adoptive parents need to always be prepared to take the "high road" against ignorance in the family and always keep the door open on your side, even if you are at your wit's end. Always use every opportunity to educate, even when it seems futile, because in the long run, it might be valuable example and life lesson for your own children.

[kune]

Maybe it's time to look at this in a different light. You and your family have different needs. You all need your own support groups. Yours, I presume, includes your parents, and your husband obviously needs his family too. Your MIL actually said she felt you were manipulative?? And your husband has told his mother that you find her comments disruptive or...

I feel like they beat us down everytime we want to talk about something positive

If I have learned one thing over the years, it is that one person cannot ask another to "ditch" those they love and expect support from. Take a peek into the future and think how you would react if your daughter or son took sides with their spouse and wanted to "ditch" you? It isn't the correct concept of family is it!!! Your MIL is entitled to her opinions - but not entitled to tell you what to do. You and your husband can do whatever you feel is necessary to complete your family,but how you react to negative comments is in your hands.

Tolerance and love is required here. Not anger. And perhaps an equal opportunity to share in each other's lives, as long as there is no disrepect intended or implied. Take time to sit down with your mother-in-law and tell her how you FEEL- woman to woman. Explain that her comments hurt you and her son (NOT THAT THEY MAKE YOU ANGRY) and tell her you know her son has more than enough love to share with your children bio or adopted. Work on LOVE rather than HATE.

We all need our families to be there beside us. And we have to work on it constantly. Hurt feelings are just that. Temporary but easily turned into major events. Just as easily you can diffuse the situation by talking about how they impact on your life. I suggest you take the time to share your vision of family with your MIL and make her part of your plans.

Ann

[Sleeplvr]

Call a family meeting and discuss the subject. Set up some rules beforehand so everyone can have their say. If you can't have a family meeting, have a one on one with the ringleader (MIL). You ever notice how there is one family member who can make the rest of the family tow the line whether they like it or not? When someone finally steps up and defuses the situation you will get comments from other's saying I'm glad you handled that.
I think sometimes people can be unsupportive when they think you are not firm in your decision. If they can easily rattle you then this is something you really don't want to do.
Your DH is needs to step up to the plate and handle the situation. It’s his mom and he needs to make her understand the decision to adopt is a joint one.

Originally Posted by Oliver1

I don't agree that family should be cut out completely and not taken into consideration. I just can't help but think what example is that setting for my own children? That if I don't agree with their choices or if I have different opinions, the relationship is over? No second, third, fourth or fifth chances? What am I teaching them about forgiveness, compassion and sacrifice? Would I want my children not to have any memories of their grandparents, aunts or uncles at all?

While I totally agree that we need to shield our children from hurtful words and ignorant statements, I also think adoptive parents need to always be prepared to take the "high road" against ignorance in the family and always keep the door open on your side, even if you are at your wit's end. Always use every opportunity to educate, even when it seems futile, because in the long run, it might be valuable example and life lesson for your own children.

You have to be careful if this is how you will be teaching your child compassion and sacrifice. You don't want them to become a doormat for hurtful or ignorant comments for a lifetime. They can transfer this to adult relationships. My father cut us off from his family for years but my mother had already made the decision to limit our interaction with grandma. She had some issues (like playing favorites based on superficial things) that mom did not want us to learn. Turns out since I reconnected with family that Grandma never changed before she died. The limited memories that I have of her are negative and my mother tried to shield us but you can't tape someone's mouth shut. My cousins who did grow up around her were loved, tolerated or ignored as in my case. When she ignored me she always made comments while adoring her favorites. Hugs and kisses for L because she looks like her family. That was grandma's issue, who you looked like and I was a bio grandchild. I didn't miss anything. Yes, it would have been nice to have a second grandma but the one I had was awesome.

Compassion, sacrifice and 2nd chances for family members is warranted "if" they are trying to change. I don't want to be put in the position to tell my child for 18 years don't listen to or ignore grandma, grandpa or uncle. What kind of message does that send?

[Oliver1]

If you read my message, you will see that I said I totally agree that we need to shield our children from hurtful comments and ignorance.

I believe I am doing a good job teaching my kids compassion and kindness as best I can. I respectfully take offense that you are suggesting that I *may* be raising my children to be "doormats" who will accept emotional abuse.

All I was trying to say is that family is important in every child's life and I believe we should do what we can (within reason) to keep those doors of communication open, even if it's only one-sided.

[AdrienneG]

When I was really stressed out and on a bad night when my mother had something negative to say about my adopting and my child's birthmother I exploded and told her I wished she would shut up about it and that I didnt want to hear another word out of her that was negative against the child's bio mother. I think I scared the mess out of her and she never had a negative word to say again about my adopting....cuz normally I am very calm and civilized.

In all seriousness if you are going to adopt a child of another race, be prepared to deal with family who are not being supportive. . . and decide what you are going to do to protect your child's self esteem from hurtful comments like that.

My family came around about my adopting after the baby was born once they realized the reality of the baby becoming our child. And my family already knows I'm crazy enough to have an uncivilized moment if they come to me in a negative light regarding my adopting our child.

[steph4673]

I suppose I could take this one step further by saying that my DH is actually biracial. My MIL hates white women. Guess what--I'm white. So, not only does she not want a AA child in the family, she doesn't want us having any more. Seriously, the woman is a nutcase! She barely acknowledges our DD now (part-white issue). Sad, huh??