[Papa D]

We've got everything rolling with a private adoption - my cousin is an ob/gyn with a birth mom lined up for us. She's due in late July, we've got the attorneys going, birth mom has seen attorney, is interested in talking to us, everything is as GO as it can be four months out.
But we encountered a little glitch that's giving us some anxiety - the birthmom said we can call her on a certain day, and my wife did. That was yesterday and she didn't call back. Her 20 week visit to OB was Monday and she was supposed to learn the gender of the baby. So now we're freaking out, wondering - oh gosh, has she changed her mind, is she confused, is she scared. I realize it's just one day of not being called back by someone who is busy, working, and trying to run her life. What are we to think - that she's not calling us back because she has second thoughts? Do we back off and give her space or call again? Please help!

[lovebeingmom2006]

I know you must be on pins and needles. Our sons birthmother forgets conference calls all the time. She is very young and has a lot of responsibilities. When she misses a call I usually just call her the next day. It normally takes a few days for her to return my calls. I think I would give her a call tomorrow. I could not sit there and wait for her to call. But on the other hand, I am very impatient. Good Luck!!!

I'll be praying that everything goes well.

[ess922]

When we were waiting for our son to be born, his birthmom stopped calling us for an extended period of time (3 weeks+)... We called her a bunch of times. Once we reached a relative who told us he'd tell her that we called... The rest of the time we got her voicemail and left messages that went unanswered. The wait was eating me up inside. I remember it so very well.

Talking about it with our adoption counselor, I asked her if I should/could keep reaching out. She asked me what I wanted to get across to the (then) potential birthmom. I said, I just wanted her to know we're still out there, still caring about her and the baby, still wanting to adopt him, etc. She asked me if I thought pbmom was not aware of how we felt? And that hit home for me. Of course, she knew we cared and wanted to adopt the baby. She didn't need to be reminded. It was really us looking for reassurance from her that she was still planning on placing him with us for adoption. And thats not a fair request or expectation for us to have of her. She couldn't possibly have known until he was here how she'd feel and what she ultimately felt was right for her to do.

In the end, she did call us the night before she was to be induced and asked us if we still wanted to come and adopt the baby. And then again, the night after he was born, she was continuing to struggle with her feelings and we talked openly about how hard it was for her to make the choice to place him for adoption. After seeing us with the baby, she did decide that she wanted us to be his parents and 2 yrs later... here we are raising our wonderful son and we have a very special, very, very open relationship with his birthmom.

This time is SO hard on you as the hopeful adoptive parents. Try to be there for one another. Lean on anyone who can be supportive to you and try your very best to give the expectant mom time and space. She knows you care. She'll be in touch when/if she's able and ready...

Hope this helps. Please update on how things go...

Wishing you all the very best, Ellie

PS. just re-read your post and wanted to add that if she just found out the gender of the baby, that may be bringing up all sorts of new feelings for her. the baby goes from an abstract concept to more of a real person-to-be with a pronoun attached. it must be so much to handle. she may need time to process it for herself before she can involve you. i know how much you want to know yourselves. not at all trying to minimize your feelings, just wanting to point out some considerations she might be grappling with...

[redhedded]

This was the advise I would have given but Ellie said it so much better than I:

This time is SO hard on you as the hopeful adoptive parents. Try to be there for one another. Lean on anyone who can be supportive to you and try your very best to give the expectant mom time and space. She knows you care. She'll be in touch when/if she's able and ready...

Ellie also perfectly explained why we, as prospective adoptive parents, in a "match" with an expectant mother who pauses or stops contact, want to contact: to express our concern and let them know that whatever they decide and whatever time they need, we are there. I have been exactly in that place where you sit and where she sat. And like her, I realized that the expectant mother knew exactly how we felt, that she could talk to us, that we were there. She needed time, space, alone or with those whom she loved and trusted, to process, to consider her options, to consider her feelings and thoughts.

Papa, It is so hard. She still has quite a way to go, and I suspect she will vacillate often and reconsider often, as she should. There is nothing that anyone can say to make you feel better. Just know that many of us have been there. Sometimes the outcome was becoming parents; sometimes it was not in that situation, but moving forward and continuing our journey.

Wishing you peace and patience. Find support where you can, stay busy and do all of the things that you love to do, that make you smile.

[Papa D]

We've gone through so much failure with IVFs, IUIs and attempts at natural conception that we just want some certainty at this point. But the birthmom is not due until late July, which is a solid four and a half months from now, so I imagine there will be some natural vacillation on her part. And learning the gender does indeed make the whole situation more human and less abstract for a young mom. Luckily, our lawyer is very involved and my cousin is her ob/gyn so we kind of feel like we've got an inside track and no agency middleman to worry about. We'll try to be patient!

[sugarbabysmommy]

I'm not sure you should be considering your cousin (her OBGYN) as the inside track, privacy laws exist for a reason, and she has the right to that privacy and to expect her own doctor to have only her interests in mind. That said, I can relate to your feelings about the phone call. It is nerve wracking to make a connection, to worry am I doing this right. But I think your feeling that this is a lot for her to deal with and take in is a good one, and one you should keep just as much in the forefront as you most certainly have your own feelings and excitement. Good luck, it's a wild ride with little comparison,

[ourdreamcametru]

We found our daughter in very much the same way as you. We met our birthmother in Feb and she was due in June. Our daughter was born in May because E ask to be induced. We became very close to E during those three months but she was young and there were times when she would say she was going to call and didn't or when she would take days to return a phone call. There was even one time when her phone was disconnected and we had to drive to her apartment, 45 mins away, to contact her. Needless to say, we got her a phone after that! I think I would leave her a very nice, none pushy message until she returns the call.