[Curiouser]

My DH and I have been married almost 5 years (together 9 years) and have 2 wonderful boys.

Long soap opera story... When DH was younger, he had an 18 mo marriage and a DD. DHs ex left when DD was 5 mos old and has spent the last 10+ years trying to restrict his visitation through the court. It is a really long, twisted heart-breaking story. DHs ex has been remarried for 10 years and has another child w/her 2nd husband. However, she is still very very angry toward DH and makes trouble as often as possible. I realize some of you are reading this and thinking, "oh bitter new wife", but it really is a heartbreaking story for DH and his DD, and we have tried so hard to make DHs ex happy for the sake of his DD. DHs ex would be so happy to throw a wrench in our adoption plans.

I say all this to say, how will this affect our homestudy and ability to adopt internationally? My DH is very stable, has a stable job, and is such a terrific father. However, I know if the ex gets involved, she would try to paint a very different (false) picture to the SW during the homestudy.

Would DHs ex be contacted? What about his DD (we have limited court-mandated visitation with her)?

I really really want to adopt and feel that we could offer a healthy, safe, happy childhood to another child. DHs DD is almost of age (we look forward to her visiting w/o court order & her mother's permission), so DHs ex would presumably not have much of an impact on another child.

Thoughts?

[kcgirlinfl]

Curiouser,

I had that exact same fear when DH and I started the process to adopt our son from Russia. His ex had done so much in the early years of our marriage to make life miserable for us, that I was terrified she would somehow ruin this experience.

In our case, she was not contacted. We discussed the first marriage in our homestudy, but our SW did not get in touch with her.

Good luck - I hope everything works out for you!

[ddhuab]

I doubt an ex-spouse would be contacted by the sw. You do (I believe) have to include divorce decrees with your dossier (for some countries), and if there were any legal problems (arrests), you will have to explain them and possibly get some kind of document from the court about the resolution of the case.

I have also heard of children (like your dh's dd) being interviewed, but that may only be if she lived in your home.

The best thing is to ask your sw for the homestudy. They really DO want to help you adopt, and my experience was that they will answer questions (as will your placement agency) before you even begin the process.

If you have narrowed down your countrie(s) of choice, you should also post your question on those specific boards.

Good luck,
D.

[BlessedBe]

We adopted domestically, but DH's ex-wife was never contacted. We did have to provide a copy of the divorce decree and answer some general questions about that marriage (but, nothing major).

I don't think you have anything to worry about with the ex.

[rtsmom]

I am my husband's 3rd wife (he's my 1st husband). Though our sw wanted to hear from him why his first marriages failed and what was different about our marriage, the ex's were never contacted. He did need to provide legal proof of the divorces.

In both of our adoptions, the only people interviewed in person were those living in the home (my husband, myself and our two children at the time). The people we provided as references were interviewed by phone.

Both of our adoptions were domestic special needs infant adoptions, through our local Ministry for Children & Families.

Janet