[BrandyHagz]

I’ve seen a lot of posts over the years made by adoptive parents that in some way suggest that the birth parent doesn’t really seem to care about the child because they never ask about the child.

I’ve often wondered how they came to that conclusion – were there other actions that indicated that they didn’t care about the child…or is it just the appearance of the lack of interest when phoning?

I dunno, maybe I look at it differently – in my opinion, it’s the ultimate act of flattery when a birth parent isn’t constantly asking about the child – it means he or she is secure in your parenting abilities and he or she is looking to build a relationship beyond what brought the relationship together.

I know, in my case (and maybe my case is different) I don’t ask about M every time we talk – and I certainly hope she doesn’t think I don’t care (I know she doesn’t think that, I’m just talking here) because I’d be really hurt if my comfort level caused her to think I was some kind of uncaring person.

Sure, I care about M…a lot…but I don’t feel the need to ask about her every time we talk – but then again, we have a totally different relationship than what appears to be the norm for the members here.

So, if I can ask those who seem to be offended by the lack of questions regarding the child – why do you feel upset or hurt over that?

[Kimmisue]

While I understand that our son's bmom's lack of questions about him have nothing to do with her feelings about him, I made the mistake early on in telling some family members that I was worried that she wasn't "dealing" with the adoption because she never talked about it or asked much about ds. So my family, who I'm still trying to educate about adoption, have jumped to that conclusion. But they didn't get to know her like we did.

It also took her 4 years to be able to explain why she doesn't write as often as she wants and why she doesn't tell us everything going on in her life. She doesn't want us to judge her and she knows that our ds will read her letters some day and she is worried what he will think of her. (btw We have since opened up much more with her and she is confiding in us kind of like distant relatives now)

So, I don't really know what my comments have to do with answering your question, but I felt the need to put in my 2 cents.

[MMC66]

Brandy - I am guilty of what you are referring to.

I guess my concern came because the adoption was so very new and Addy's bmom wanted us to get involved with her latest crisis. I really wanted to keep our relationship focused on Addy. I didn't want to become a huge source of support for her becuase her life was such a mess, we could have easily gotten sucked in. Hope this makes sense.

I can definitely see how down the road, if a relation ship between mature adults has developed, that the adopted child wouldn't need to be the center of every conversation.

Martha

[SchmennaLeigh]

Originally Posted by BrandyHagz

I dunno, maybe I look at it differently – in my opinion, it’s the ultimate act of flattery when a birth parent isn’t constantly asking about the child – it means he or she is secure in your parenting abilities and he or she is looking to build a relationship beyond what brought the relationship together.

That's how I view it. D offers information but unless I specifically need to know something (dress size, something about her infanthood to see if Nicholas is similar, etc), I don't necessarily outright ask. And trust me, I care!

[numbr1dbcksfan]

Yes, Claire and I talk about our lives.. what is going on... most everything but Kristin. Those updates come in letters.

I do have questions... but talking about them out loud, is a bit hard... It is easier to keep the phone conversations friendly and chatty and keep the seriousness via email or letter.

We HAVE had a few serious phone discussions.. but not on a regular basis.

[mamacrina]

Good question, Brandy. I don't think I'm hurt or offended when she doesn't ask about dd...just confused. I admit I thought more of our conversation would be babe-centered. Though, during the match it wasn't. Sure, we'd talk about her pregnancy, how she felt, how babe was doing, but we concentrated on getting to know each other. I guess I thought she'd ask more now, because she's not with her...ya know?

I would prefer thinking as you do, Brandy. And I'm trying. But I second guess myself (aka worry) so much that I wonder if I make it difficult for her to ask. Am I sending out "don't question me" vibes? lol

But in reality, we email, write letters, send pics (as well as have an online storage site), so she knows how she is. One time she said something along the lines of "I want to know how YOU two are...the ones taking care of J. You are important to me,too...and I need to know how YOU are."

[DCMomLady]

Well, I am both hurt and offended that my daughter's birthmom doesn't even call to see how we're doing. My calls to her were met with such (apparent) disinterest that I finally offered to keep quiet until she asked for an update -- and she never has.

In my case, it's not just my daughter who sadly lost contact with her bmother; I lost my niece and my sister, too. Here I am raising her child (a new mother at the age of 50!) and I find myself without any family support. And somewhere on the way to this lonely place, I became the villain of the story and not the angel who said yes to their pleas for my help.

I don't understand. I can't understand. How do they turn their backs on this beautiful child and head on down the road without looking back? And what am I to tell my daughter?

[NaomiNJaysmom]

I have a different situation because both birthparents asked for grandparent contact only. They felt it was important that their parents had contact because it was not their choice to place their grandson for adoption. I am asked EVERYTIME I e-mail write or call about our son. I was relieved however that birthdad asked about him right away the one time he did happen to answer the phone. I was glad he felt comfortable enough to ask. Maybe it was because he was an adoptee himself. I dont know but I do know that I believe it would bother me just a bit if they didnt ask. Isnt that why we have a relationship? Maybe a birth mom can help answer that.

[BrandyHagz]

Isnt that why we have a relationship?

Well, at least for us, its certainly the reason the relationship was created – but our relationship has grown expeditiously since placement ten years ago. We’re friends, family and so much more.

We talk about dinner.
We talk about our weekend plans.
We talk about Dr. Phil and how much he annoys us.
We talk about photography.
We talk about our marriages, our husbands, our kids, our families, our mothers…etc.

I couldn’t imagine calling S on the phone and saying, “So, how is M? How is school? Is she getting good grades? How tall is she?

All of that stuff just comes up in our every day (and I do mean almost every day) to day conversations…but I don’t think I’ve ever just come out and asked…

For the record, we talk 1-2 hours every time we talk – and its usually 5-6 times a week…you can only talk about a child so much – even if you do think they are amazing!

[SchmennaLeigh]

Originally Posted by BrandyHagz

Well, at least for us, its certainly the reason the relationship was created – but our relationship has grown expeditiously since placement ten years ago. We’re friends, family and so much more.

We talk about dinner.
We talk about our weekend plans.
We talk about Dr. Phil and how much he annoys us.
We talk about photography.
We talk about our marriages, our husbands, our kids, our families, our mothers…etc.

I couldn’t imagine calling S on the phone and saying, “So, how is M? How is school? Is she getting good grades? How tall is she?

All of that stuff just comes up in our every day (and I do mean almost every day) to day conversations…but I don’t think I’ve ever just come out and asked…

For the record, we talk 1-2 hours every time we talk – and its usually 5-6 times a week…you can only talk about a child so much – even if you do think they are amazing!

I just have to ditto everything here.

We don't talk on the phone as much recently because babies are often screaming on one end or the other. But we talk via IM every day. (Minus vacation, etc.) We talk about dinner, joining curves, D's son's feeding problems, Nick's sleeping problems, celebrities, how our husbands annoy us... etc. Every day she throws in something about Munchkin, of course. Today she was boycotting food and then decided to eat EVERYTHING IN SIGHT. I don't ask. She tells.

It's kind of the same thing as she doesn't ask me, "So, are you having any specific issues with adoption that I need to know about right now?" She knows that when I get to a point of verbally being able to discuss an issue, I'll bring it up with her.

Adoption may have brought us together but it's not the center of our relationship.