[sugarbabysmommy]

These are a few of the notes I made during Pact's conference and I wanted to share. These are only my notes/scribbles, not at all the entirety of the conference, so keep that in mind. It would be great if folks wanted to chime in with thoughts, feelings, anyone from any position within an adoption. Items in quotes are portions of the actual speaker presentation.

- "only two mistakes an adoptive parent can make, to lie to their child, and to give up on their child"

- "sit with your child in their saddness"

- audience question: how much of a kid's behavior is about adoption and just regular development?
Answer: "Everything, everything is colored by the galsses of adoption."

- "hear your child's experience without taking it on as your own, or what it means to your own experience of parenting"

- adopted kids (adults) need space in the conversation to express themselves, don't steam roll the conversation with your (the parent's) version

- adopted persons have to hold, keep two worlds

- hearing parents say we love you, you should be proud of your heritage constantly (in transcultural adoption) overshadowed the child's ability to say they were not proud or to express their feelings of shame

- the alternative to the parental message of We Chose You is the child's understanding that they could have NOT been chosen...

- our attachment issues as parents have an effect on our parenting

- it's easier to be an angry child than a sad child, angry behavior gets a reaction/action, whereas no one knows how to handle saddness

- there is often a return of entitlement issues for parents in adolescent years during normal rejection, the parent questions all over again if they have the right to parent this child... potentially leading to over permissiveness

- be willing to go where your child came from, the hospital, the neighborhood, the city- even in a Domestic adoption

- even kids with wonderfully connected parent/child relationships can be afraid to talk with their parents/ ask questions... lack of questions doesn't mean lack of interest

- more (if not all) focus is given to being placed in the family, little attention/acknowledgement is given to being let go


Again, my notes, some speaker quotes, some paraphrasing of adoptee speakers, and some inferrences of what I heard.

[sneezyone]

Thanks for being our eyes and ears!

[bromanchik]

Originally Posted by sugarbabysmommy

- audience question: how much of a kid's behavior is about adoption and just regular development?
Answer: "Everything, everything is colored by the galsses of adoption."

This is the only quote I really have issues with. Every behavior is not colored by adoption. To approach it that way does the child a huge disservice on many levels.

[alwaysus]

I agree with Bromanchick. I don't think that "every behaviour is colored by the glasses of adoption." That seems like an awfully general statement.I wonder what they base that statement on. I know that Paul is only 6, but he seems every bit as well adjusted as his older sibs that happen to be biologically mine.

Thanks for the notes....

[redhedded]

audience question: how much of a kid's behavior is about adoption and just regular development?
Answer: "Everything, everything is colored by the galsses of adoption."

My immediate response (before reading others'); this is a crock. I think behavior in a child has everything to do with personality of the child (much present at birth), parenting, experiences of life, and physiology. My daughter adopted at birth, with my since she was born, exhibited very early behavioral responses that were neither learned through watching nor through reenforcement; they have nothing to do with her being adopted and have much to do with her unusual intellect. Had I (or anyone) at any time, contributed these things to adoption rather than trying to find more logical explanations I would have done her and me a huge disservice.

I think that is what this statement does to adoptive parents - a disservice; it is easy to contribute everything to how one entered a family. Human behavior and response is so much more complex than that.

[AdrienneG]

I actually wondered if "everything is colored through the glasses of adoption" meant that in a child's mind and p.o.v. everything they experience they compare to children who are not adopted.

I wondered if adoption is the glasses through which a child looks and experiences the world.... in the same way that a child of divorce looks at the world thru that lenses, or a child who has an illness.

I didn't think the statement "everything is colored through the glasses of adoption" was about the adoptive parents, but about the child who was adopted.

I wish I was there to have asked "what do you mean by that statment?"

[redhedded]

If so, Adrienne, then that response did not address the question as indicated by sugar's post, which specifically asked about behavior in child, when is it adoption related and when is it natural/devlopmental stage for some, all or most kids.

[BrandyHagz]

- even kids with wonderfully connected parent/child relationships can be afraid to talk with their parents/ ask questions... lack of questions doesn't mean lack of interest

I love this one - I read it a LOT here on the forums and I've experienced it in public.

Thanks for posting - now if only the right eyes would see it...

[crick]

All I can say is if EVERYTHING of a kid's development/behavior is colored by the glasses of adoption, then I better figure out why almost every little kid I know colors on the walls, flushes toys down the toliet, gives the best sticky kisses and wants to know why? to almost every question out there.

[redribbonrose]

I agree with Bromanchick. I don't think that "every behaviour is colored by the glasses of adoption." That seems like an awfully general statement.I wonder what they base that statement on.

I also agree. I think it is poor parenting to assume your adopted child is different in everyway because of adoption. Can't a kid just be a kid? Can't they just be going through normal kid behaviors?

[Shoshana]

"the alternative to the parental message of We Chose You is the child's understanding that they could have NOT been chosen..."

The book my parents read to my sister and me was called "The Chosen Family." I still have it.

I think this phrase can help to instill pride in the child when young, and/or I think it can be open to interpretation by a young child, and an adolescent.

The child was "chosen" by the a-parents but "not chosen" by the b-parents?

How did these parents choose THIS child and not another?

Should this child have been chosen by another family instead?

If the child had been chosen by another family, would the child still be the same person, or someone else?

If a adult person is committed to the "meant to be philosophy" then the age-old "chosen story" can be comforting. If the adoptee is NOT committed to this philosophy, then it can be quite disconcerting and the randomness of the process could instill a lack of security instead.

[sugarbabysmommy]

Originally Posted by sugarbabysmommy

- audience question: how much of a kid's behavior is about adoption and just regular development?
Answer: "Everything, everything is colored by the galsses of adoption."

This is what I wrote, certainly not all of what was said. But I was struck by it and wanted to bring it here. Let me see if I can expand better on what I understood this to mean. With behavior issues in children (not wads of tp jamming the toilet, crayon on the walls etc.) it is near impossible to know to what extent adoption does or does not play a role- for both parent and child.

[kelleymac]

hearing parents say we love you, you should be proud of your heritage constantly (in transcultural adoption) overshadowed the child's ability to say they were not proud or to express their feelings of shame

I have to admit that in wanting to ensure that my son is comfortable/accepting of his Guatemalan heritage, I probably would have done exactly this. Thanks for giving me something to really think about.

Kelley

[crick]

Originally Posted by sugarbabysmommy

This is what I wrote, certainly not all of what was said. But I was struck by it and wanted to bring it here. Let me see if I can expand better on what I understood this to mean. With behavior issues in children (not wads of tp jamming the toilet, crayon on the walls etc.) it is near impossible to know to what extent adoption does or does not play a role- for both parent and child.

I was being flip... And yes, I agree that it's not possible to know all the time what role it plays. I still think EVERYTHING is poppycock. Too broad and definite of a statement and I don't buy it. I think if people make adoption the way of life and use it to define every single thing in a child's life, then probably yes...it will turn out that way. But an adoptee can be sad, happy, mad, excited etc. over something and not have anything to do with adoption. A child does not necessarily use drugs or whatever the behavior may be because of feelings stemmed from adoption. Some might...but everyone? I just don't agree that everything is affected by adoption. It's these generalized all inclusive statements that really irk me and for it to come from a supposed expert irks me even more.

[dpen6]

crick, as an adoptee...I HEAR YA>>>>>its a way to put a pathology on to everything. I remeember when I first came on tho these forums I would shake my head in puzzlement and wonder what the heck are these people talking about...I beleive it was one of my first discussions on the primal wound.

my take? Yes, there is a loss to the child in adoption..they are losing their biology and sense of kinship that derives from that but to what degreee achild is impacted is up to the parents(all of them) if the parents project a huge sense of sadness, shame, resementment ect the child will absorb that through osmosis and carry negative connotation regarding adoption, if parents project the truth that yes, bioparents were unable to keep you for what ever reason...yes, that may be sad but the fact that you are here with us is wondrerful ect..
My adoption, back in the day, was handled very well My parents were very open and available to discuss things. They were not able to give info on birthparents as they did not know..but always spoke of them with respect.