[heartened]

I think the word "colored" is being misinterpreted to mean "caused by."

audience question: how much of a kid's behavior is about adoption and just regular development?
Answer: "Everything, everything is colored by the galsses of adoption."

If a child is a genius, everything is seen through the genius-colored glasses. It's not CAUSED by the child's genius, but the child's genius does influence how they perceive and interact with the world around them, sometimes in subtle ways.

Much as you might want to, you cannot wipe away the fact that your child is adopted. They ARE different from your bio kids - statements like "I can't even tell them apart" belittles their uniqueness. Being different is not a BAD thing. But adoptive parents in particular are quick to jump on the defensive whenever someone implies their adopted child might be different, might have different needs, different "filters," different ways of viewing the world.

Your child is different. EVERY child is different. Adopted or not - children are not the same. Your child seeing the world through adoption colored glasses does not have to be a negative thing.

I was raped at 16. I will forever see the world through glasses which include the "color of rape." I can allow that to become a negative influence, or a positive. I chose to make it a positive influence. I used my experiences as a rape survivor to empower me, to allow me to help other rape survivors recover, to help me teach other women how to survive such an experience, and even how to avoid it in some cases.

As a result, what could have been a negatively life-altering experience became a positively life-altering experience. Adoption IS life-altering. Whether it will be negatively or positively life-altering will greatly depend on the skills you teach your child.

They are never NOT going to have been adopted. It will always be part of their story, part of the colors of their glasses - how they use that experience, that color, depends in great part on you.

[AdrienneG]

Heartened thats how I interpreted the statement...that the child being adopted impacts how he or she feels and experiences life.

In my case my being AA and female and deaf are literally the lenses through which I experience life, and are the filters through which life feels to me including my interpretation of my life.

I saw it as a statement on something internal (the way a child's life and experiences feel to her) and not neccessarily on the external (behavior manifested in the child or the aparents job done as parents).

[sugarbabysmommy]

I completely get what you both are saying, and don't disagree. Sitting in a room full of ap's and some hopeful ap's, a number of them adopted persons who are now ap's or hopeful ap's, the statement felt like more of a wake up call. It felt more like a challange to keep in mind that if your child is struggling, or even too perfect, too quite, to be mindful of what role their adoption experience may play- I didn't hear this as an exclusionary statement, just a cationary statement. And to be mindful of how the child views their life experiences framed within adoption, that a biological child likely will frame the same life experience, issue differently than a child who was adopted.

I really heard this person saying there was no way for her to actually answer the audience question, that it's not possible to give a laundry list of what is and is not effected by adoption.

I feel badly that I have done a disservice to the intent of the speaker. It didn't come out so dire and all consuming in the context of all the other information.


Personally, I felt the statement "sit with your child in their saddness was pretty powerful," as was the statement about it being easier to be an angry child rather than a sad child. I also felt that remembering that an adopted child/adult has to hold/keep two worlds was important. This hit home with me as it was my experience to a Tee as a child living within my family that included my (adoptive) dad while still spending time with my paternal biological family. It was a burdon to hold these two worlds.

[sugarbabysmommy]

Thanks Heartened, you said it way better than me, and I was there Wanna come over and read the rest of my notes


Another point I just found and should have shared before from my notes:

- kids will only go as far to resolve their grief as the parents have gone or are willing to go


I took this to mean not just the parents' own grief in adoption and their resolution of it, but mainly how willing they are to go with their child into their child's grief. Coming back to the idea that saddness, especially in others, is difficult to deal with for most of us.

If you have ever grieved a huge loss you know what I mean, people just don't know what to do with you, how to respond to you when you sit before them fully in the pain, cry, what have you. It's a true gift to just sit with someone in their saddness.

The speaker recommended a movie called "Second Best" with John Hurt. She said on scene in the movie imparticular demonstrated this powerfully. The child is nine or so, adopted by John Hurt, having had a very hard start to life. In one scene the child runs to the woods, afraid and desperate. He actually burries himself in a hole to hide, his adoptive father finds him, and rather than doing what we all in the audience suggested we'd do, which was dig the kid out, the adoptive father dug the whole wider and climbed in next to his son, and held tightly him until his son was ready to come out.

[wyomingirl]

I don't disagree with a lot of the opinions that are put forth here. Being an adoptee I think what sets achildren apart form bchildren is the lack of imprinting shortly after birth. I think this is a huge part of how many children react to situations through out their lives.

At least this what I have learned about myself in my discovery of the situation in which I arrived into this world.

[crick]

The only thing I'm truly irked at and disagreeing with is the absolutes given and given by "experts".
No child is the same no matter what common experience they share and I will not agree ever with anyone saying "this is how it is for everyone".

Don't think that makes me defensive or unable to recognize differences or even that these experiences can be had. Simply saying that it's not sitting well with me to have it blasted out there at every conference, meeting, group or what have you that it's fact for everyone. I don't like absolutes, because yes indeedy...everyone is different.

[heartened]

Originally Posted by crick

The only thing I'm truly irked at and disagreeing with is the absolutes given and given by "experts".
No child is the same no matter what common experience they share and I will not agree ever with anyone saying "this is how it is for everyone".

Don't think that makes me defensive or unable to recognize differences or even that these experiences can be had. Simply saying that it's not sitting well with me to have it blasted out there at every conference, meeting, group or what have you that it's fact for everyone. I don't like absolutes, because yes indeedy...everyone is different.

Let me try and approach this from another standpoint - I'm going to change the statement the presenter made a bit.

- audience question: how much of an adoptive parents' behavior is about adoption and just regular parenting?
Answer: "Everything, everything is colored by the galsses of adoptive parenting."

As an adoptive parent, do you not see the world through glasses partly colored by adoption? Are you not more conscious of things like terminology -
the way people ask questions like, "where are her real parents?" Are you not more aware of media portrayls of adotion, adoptees, adoptive parents, birth families, etc.? Do you not feel a silent kinship with the couple in the store who have a brood of transracial children? Maybe you offer them a sincere smile when you meet? You have a different perception of birth mothers than most of society does as well. You know they are not deserving of shame and ridicule. You would probably defend a birth mother if you heard someone make a disparaging comment about them, especially since you never want your child to be exposed to an awful comment about their birth parents.

These are just a few ways in which your glasses are colored by being an adoptive parent. It's not a BAD thing. It's a wonderful and unique part of who you are.

Perhaps what went unsaid by the speaker (or was said but not written down - god knows I have a hard time keeping up when taking notes on anything! LOL), is that while we all view the world through glasses colored by our particular experiences, we are also totally in control of what effect we allow that "tint" to have on our behaviors, our choices, our feelings, etc. We can certainly be negatively impacted - and some are, for whatever reason. But we can also be very positively impacted which is, I believe, the experience of the majority.

[sadiegirl]

Originally Posted by FH-heartened

Let me try and approach this from another standpoint - I'm going to change the statement the presenter made a bit.

- audience question: how much of an adoptive parents' behavior is about adoption and just regular parenting?
Answer: "Everything, everything is colored by the galsses of adoptive parenting."

As an adoptive parent, do you not see the world through glasses partly colored by adoption?

Heartened,

Yes, I see the world PARTLY thru adoptive eyes, but I don't parent entirely thru those eyes!

The original comment was that achildren's every behavior is colored by adoption. So, when my son is 12 and won't do his HW, this is b/c he was adopted? I don't think so.

Yes he will see the world thru different eyes b/c he was adopted but his behaviors will not always be b/c he was adopted. KWIM?

[crick]

Oh sure...in that aspect of it, I agree. I never said I didn't agree with some points could be truth or that the experiences offer a different outlook.

What I'm stemming from, other than the absolutes of course is that the question was regarding a kid's behavior, not their outlook.

audience question: how much of a kid's behavior is about adoption and just regular development?
Answer: "Everything, everything is colored by the galsses of adoption."

To me, the question is “is my child’s behavior always going to be an adoption related issue or will they have regular old kid behavior? And then for the answer to be "everything....", no, that doesn't sit well with me, because not everything will be defined or related to the adoption experience. Does that make sense? I'm not saying a person won't or can't have a different outlook or perception of things, but soley because of adoption? Nah...just don't buy that. And when they said "everything" to me that means that's what they are saying.

So think you and I are coming at it from two different perspectives…and of course…we are both right somewhere in there.

[redhedded]

Maybe I am just slow. It seems to be that the questions was more about determining what behavioral issues or responses can be attributed to adoption and which are "usual" development for some or all kids. I do not have a clue, since I was not there, though the question if asked in that manner does not seem to inquire about how a child views the world.

Heartened, I appreciated and understood your post. I am an adoptive parent who is conscientious about a lot of things. Being a transracial adoptive parent does not in fact make me more aware of language and inequality than I was before I became a mother. That is the result of growing up in a political and questioning household. I view both of my children individually and do not make assumptions about their experiences, their feelings, etc.

My concern is the determination by some adoptive parents based on an expert's words that certain behavior exhibited by their child is a result of being adopted. I have a huge problem with such generalizations and presumptions and think that it can be dangerous ground for any parent parenting any child. Example. I read gt cybersource regularly. There was recently a story about a young boy, Latino, who is from a very poor state. He exhibited strange behavior and speech pattern and after testing was diagnosed with autism. After some time his parents felt like that just might not be accurate and had him examined again. Guess what? He was not autistic but gifted. These misdiagnoses are actually much more common that you might think.

I have read many of the posts on young post institutionalized children who are experiencing some attachment issues and do not deny the impact and seriousness of such issues. I can also tell you that my daughter, fully and completely attached, exhibits many of the same things. Many of these things that I read in posts from parents who are struggling with attachment were also common traits, behaviors, speech patterns and rituals that parents of developmentally disabled children that I worked with reported seeing very early in their children.

[redhedded]

And, what is most interesting to me is this:

hear your child's experience without taking it on as your own, or what it means to your own experience of parenting"

I feel like this is in direct conflict with the answer to the question about behavior. Why make presumptions about the source of issue or what your child is feeling. Why not be open, communicative, a safe place, understanding of their individuality and experience, that is just that, theirs, without your added pressure or presumption.

[sugarbabysmommy]

Originally Posted by sadiegirl

So, when my son is 12 and won't do his HW, this is b/c he was adopted? I don't think so.

Yes he will see the world thru different eyes b/c he was adopted but his behaviors will not always be b/c he was adopted. KWIM?

Yep, I know what you mean. But I will offer this, he very well may not do his homework because he was adopted. I know a young man who did just that. A very bright boy, very funny, very akward typical adoloscent, but didn't do a lick of homework, and the work he did do he never turned in. I had to actually dump his back pack on my desk daily to have him hunt for his work, ashamed he would hand me a crumpled piece of paper.

Fast forward to the next school year, his teacher came to discuss his behavior with me, what if any successes he's had etc. I was then told what he'd written in his classroom journal- a journal read by and graded by the teacher- he wondered if he was stupid because his real parents were stupid. I was floored, not because I had no idea that he was adopted, it was so painful to know he'd written this deep felt emotion in a school journal, that this is how he saw himself, that he was trying very hard to work out his adoption.

My first question to the teacher, did his parents discuss if they have any information about or contact with birth family? She was taken aback and said smething to the effect of, "Well, that would be a very bad idea don't you think, I mean wouldn't that complicate things? Why do you even think that would help him?" Later when I saw his mom I asked after him, she said that he never asked (huh?), didn't really seem to care (double huh?), and if he wanted to know anything about them he was welcome to seearch when he was 18. My heart broke for this boy, he was telling everyone on paper what he needed to know... But his mom couldn't see that it wasn't about her parenting, and his teacher couldn't see that it wasn't about her teaching- they didn't hear what he was saying.

[sugarbabysmommy]

Originally Posted by FH-redhedded

Why not be open, communicative, a safe place, understanding of their individuality and experience, that is just that, theirs, without your added pressure or presumption.

See this is where my difficiency as a note taker comes right back. I do think this was the message. Avoid presumptions, but allow for the possiblity and do your best to keep the parent ego out of it. In fact, she said she was sure everyone in the audience with older adopted kids had the urge to go home and have a big "adoption talk." Her advice, don't do it... instead go home, hug your kids and make dinner.

She stresses trusting yourself as a parent, and listening carefully to your kids.

[sugarbabysmommy]

Originally Posted by FH-redhedded

Maybe I am just slow. It seems to be that the questions was more about determining what behavioral issues or responses can be attributed to adoption and which are "usual" development for some or all kids. I do not have a clue, since I was not there, though the question if asked in that manner does not seem to inquire about how a child views the world.

Yes, I do think this is what the question was about, but not the answer... how's that for muddying things up The idea that there is no one answer to the question, that there are no absolutes or set of examples if your kid does X it means Y, so you should do Z. Which is what I think we are all saying.

[mom2justynsarah]

Originally Posted by FH-heartened

Let me try and approach this from another standpoint - I'm going to change the statement the presenter made a bit.

- audience question: how much of an adoptive parents' behavior is about adoption and just regular parenting?
Answer: "Everything, everything is colored by the galsses of adoptive parenting."

As an adoptive parent, do you not see the world through glasses partly colored by adoption? Are you not more conscious of things like terminology -
the way people ask questions like, "where are her real parents?" Are you not more aware of media portrayls of adotion, adoptees, adoptive parents, birth families, etc.? Do you not feel a silent kinship with the couple in the store who have a brood of transracial children? Maybe you offer them a sincere smile when you meet? You have a different perception of birth mothers than most of society does as well. You know they are not deserving of shame and ridicule. You would probably defend a birth mother if you heard someone make a disparaging comment about them, especially since you never want your child to be exposed to an awful comment about their birth parents.

These are just a few ways in which your glasses are colored by being an adoptive parent. It's not a BAD thing. It's a wonderful and unique part of who you are.

Perhaps what went unsaid by the speaker (or was said but not written down - god knows I have a hard time keeping up when taking notes on anything! LOL), is that while we all view the world through glasses colored by our particular experiences, we are also totally in control of what effect we allow that "tint" to have on our behaviors, our choices, our feelings, etc. We can certainly be negatively impacted - and some are, for whatever reason. But we can also be very positively impacted which is, I believe, the experience of the majority.

I totally agree with you. My world, my vision, feelings and viewpoints have definetly been colored in a positive light by adoption.

I also see the same effect on my 7 year old son. For example, whenever he meets a friend's sibling he automatically asks "Oh wow, is she/he adopted like MY sister?" He says it in a very proud manner. Or he may ask me "mommy, is (blank) adopted?"

What makes me laugh (on the inside) is if somebody asks him where his sister got her blonde hair & blue eys (we all have brown hair/brown eyes). His remark back is "Who cares?" "she is MY sister." "What's it to you?"