[Vogi2002]

Okay ladies, i need some help. I bought some reading (hope they are good books) this weekend and have started reading "The Primal Wound". I am scared out of my mind right now. I KNOW the author is just wanting to educate us but I feel soooo guilty now for wanting to adopt. I don't want to be responsible for my child being hurt and dysfunctional for the rest of his life. i KNOW that the author is trying to help us, but I am scared right now. Would it be better if I did IVF and just tried for a child biologically to prevent these him/her from such pain??? Is it selfish of me to adopt from an agency and not foster care?? Are all of us adoptive parents selfish??

Thank God i also bought "20 Things Adoptive Children wish thier Adoptive parents Knew". At least this way I feel like they are giving some kind of answers to prevent the dysfunction. I mean, I never knew adopting meant my child would forever have a deep deep pain, attachment issues, and resentful toward us. I mean I knew it could happen and probally WILL but I also thought there were things I could do to help this when it does. I know and realize that raising adoptive children IS different than biological and we WILL have to work at bonding, but OMG Primal Wound has me just thinking maybe I should quit adoption and do IVF or embryo adoption so my child won't hate me!!


Sorry this sounds nuts, I know this book is meant to educate......did anyone else feel this way reading it? Like there is NO hope? Is there any other books that you would suggest to help me create a trusting relationship between myself and my potential adoptive child starting from birth? Any books that tell us how we should go about creating that trust?

Thanks for your help!!
Natalie

[sneezyone]

First, calm down.

That book offers one perspective on adoption. It's not the end all and be all of insight into adoption and its effects on families. It's good to know that some folks can and do have those feelings. It's equally important to recognize that many people don't have those feelings.

[Lookn4rtadpole]

It's funny that you post this because I was just having a conversation with my mother about adopting. She asked me if I was sure I wanted to be a mother and I actually paused but in that moment of pausing I relized tha I was scared, not about adopting but about being a parent. I was having reactions that I think any normal person would have. Even someone giving birth. I am scared about the little things, how will I manage to work and do the things I do now with a child.

I think you need to cut yourself some slack, we will all question ourselves and our future with a child. The best things we can do is go forward and pray for the best.

[AwaitingBeloved]

Ugh.

So many people use this book in references on this site. I've not read it, but heard that it is about the author's experience, and it seems that gets lost in translation at times.

Quite honestly, these forums at time have left me feeling like there's no hope. Just when I finally got a taste of it, people were all around speaking about how bad adoption is. What I wasn't hearing was *for them.*

It doesn't mean all adoptees will feel this way. I think most adoptees probably have moments where they can look poorly on their adoption. I mean, growing up, there were times I looked poorly on my family situation and I wasn't adopted. So I'm sure adoptees have those feelings, too, just a little compounded with wonderment about their bfamilies, too.

I am hoping that open adoption will help many adoptees to not feel so badly about being adopted. I'm sure when this generation of adoptees are adults there will be new information as to what was good and what was bad about open adoption. For now, I can just do my best.

DH and I briefly considered a sperm donor, and even an embryo donor, but who knows what emotional pains children born out of this sort of conception will feel. We think it's a wonderful option for many, but not a comfortable choice for us. If this wasn't so new, and there were guides on this sort of conception, we might have tried that route.

We did try IVF for three years. And I'm actually happy now (Never thought I'd see the day) that it didn't work. I would have loved a bio child. But again, who knows what that child would feel knowing they were conceived in a petri dish? I never thought about that until a course I took in child growth and development and the story of the woman who was the first IVF baby, and how it affected her life. She was not an angry woman by any means, but she had emotional struggles that I never would have imagined. So, for me, adoption is a comfortable decision.

There are days though, after coming here and reading some of the feedback, that even the adoption I question. However, I know this is right for us. We are not making anyone relinquish their child. This really is their choice, too.

Hope this helps. There will be many moments, no matter how you chose to start your family, that you will have doubts. I think that comes with parenthood. Second guessing the big decisions. Just follow your heart and you should find your way.

[Vogi2002]

Thanks for responding, I talked with dh right after writing and slowed me down a bit. I appreciate the book, and KNEW it would be hard reading...I just didn't realize how scared i was. It's almost like you are protective over your future child. If it means they would be better off, I would not adopt and have no children. My dh actually laughed at me and said "Already getting protective huh?"

I'm trying to read the book entirely because i think it's great to realize what COULD happen. I just wish it gave more insight to what we can do. I will say it made me realize how important it is for me to need to send an email to all those closest and educate them on things that should be and should not be said to my children ((("you are so lucky to have parents like that"))), attachment issues that might be faced and what we might do (may hold our child constantly or not have a lot of people around at once), etc.


Whew, okay i'm a little better, but would still LOVE to hear your comments/suggestions...

Natalie

[BestLight]

Hi, Natalie.

I haven't read Primal Wound, but I did read 20 Things when DD was a baby. I couldn't reconcile that my happy, contented angel could already harbor such deep, unhealable gashes. Five years later, I still don't believe it.

My sense is that PW reflects the media in general. We're all frustrated that one adoption gone off-the-charts wrong makes the news while the thousands of routine, happy adoption stories don't get reported.

Which book idea would a publisher more likely advance -- a saga with lots of drama and angst, or a tale of a run-of-the-mill childhood?

I know the jury's still out on open adoptions. But my guess is that 20 years from now, if my kids are on a therapist's couch, it won't be because adoption is part of their story. (I'm giving them plenty of other reasons!)

[heartened]

Ok - from an adoptee who has definite abandonment issues, rejection issues, attachment issues, etc. - mainly, me:

Yes, I have emotional issues - but I believe they have very little to do with the fact that I am adopted. I think they have everything to do with the dysfunctional people I was adopted by.

Do you see the difference?

Yes, many adopted children grow up to have certain feelings - but when raised in a supportive, loving environment, they also have the skills to deal with those feelings.

I'm still not completely convinced that the author of Primal Wound wasn't desperately looking for "something" to blame her daughter's behaviors on. Adoption happened to be conveinant. I know some of our posters here know the author and disagree, but that's what I got out of the book.

I also don't like the constant implication throughout the book that any adoptee who denies these feelings is simply in denial. Sorry, not buying that.

I have all kinds of bad feelings, but most of them stem from the abusive cretins who raised me.

Do you want to know how to successfully raise an adopted child?

Love them. Accept them. Accept that they exsited before you adopted them. Aceept that they have a history which preludes their history with you. Understand that "preludes" doesn't equal "excludes."
Accept that no matter what you do, they may feel a need some day to know and understand their roots. Understand that if you try to deny the existence they had before you adopted them, you will only drive a wedge between you. Learn to deal with your feelings of jealousy - they are YOUR issue, don't make them your child's issue as well. Just as you would not force your child to choose between you and your spouse if you divorced, don't try and force your child to choose between you and their birth family when they are adults. They'll likely choose you, but your relationship will never be the same. It will be damaged. Don't lie to your child. A lie of ommission is still a lie. Never try to hide the fact that your child is adopted - don't hide it from them and don't hide it from others. This sets a child up for feeling like being adopted is something they need to feel ashamed about.

Most of all - trust in yourself. Trust in the love you have to offer. Remember that love is not quantified - you do not love your child less because you also love your spouse, your parents, your family, friends, other children, etc. The "amount" your child loves you is not decreased for them loving their birth family in addition to you. If anything, it simply gives you all a wider circle among which to give and receive love.

And here's a secret: The fact that you care enough to try and understand what your future child may feel is an excellent indication of the kind of parent you are going to be. Trust in that, trust in yourself. You'll do just fine.

[icul8rg8r]

My son's birthmother chose to have a closed adoption - she was adopted, her dad was adopted and neither of them ever wanted to seek out their birth parents. Their adopted parents ARE their parents and they both had loving, close relationships. She wanted the same for her son, so she will keep in touch with the agency in case he ever does want to meet her, but in the meantime doesn't want to confuse him and has choosen to stay out of his life. We don't really understand her decision, but respect it, and it gave us such reassurance that there are MANY successful adoptions where adoptive parent and child have just as strong a bond as biological parent and child. And, by the way, there are plenty of biological children who grow up hating their biological parents!

[AwaitingBeloved]

Heartened, that was an awesome post. Thank you.

[LisaCA]

keep reading. try reading "raising adopted children" by lois melina; "the open adoption experience" by lois melina; visit www.pactadopt.org for many articles about all parts of the triad.

keep in mind that many adoptions that are described in books are older adoptions, not the ones in the past 15 years or so. things can be very different. Find an ethical adoption agency or attorney, one that makes sure the expectant parents get the counseling they need and follow up to make sure that it's actually taking place.

seek counseling yourself, possibly group sessions where you can talk to other adoptive parents.

And keep an open mind. listen to your child and allow them the opportunity to speak and feel their emotions, don't be afraid to seek help when it's needed.

excellent post, Heartened.

[traceyk]

We talked in depth to our neighbor who is a 40 something adoptee. His advice to us was to tell Drihan she is adopted, but not to keep talking about it and bringing it up. He said he knew he was adopted and that was fine, but if his family had kept talking about it, he would have felt uncomfortable and different than his sibling. He also said he never had any desire to find his b-family because the family that raised him was his family and that was all he ever needed.

[AdrienneG]

My grandmother was adopted and she rejoiced in finding her biological siblings and being visited by her neices and nephews who were her biological relatives. She also cherished her parents who adopted and raised her.

If she hadnt been adopted she would have been left to die because in those days infanticide was common (and kept a secret) and her mother did not want to raise her, period, point blank.

One thing I have an issue with on the Primal Wound theory is the notion that a human being is emotionally fragile when being raised by someone who is not the biological mother.

My grandmother loved her adoptive parents and said she was raised with a lot of love.

Keep reading more books.

Children need parents...whether its their biological parents or adoptive parents. I do not feel that foster care is ideal for children....its an option when the biological parents cannot raise their children and many times parents lose their parenting rights and their child becomes available for adoption.

I think that when a person has pain surrounding their adoption, the culprit is how they were raised to view adoption...was it kept a secret? were they the product of un-ethical adoption practices that happenede 15 years ago? were they treated right by their adoptive parents?

If I was unhappy in my adoption, I would look to my birth parents to be the "perfect" parents I never had when my adoption experience was painful...and try to reconcile the pain with the belief that my separation from my birth parents caused my pain.

This is no different than how children with absent parents romanticize the parent thats missing. It is a coping mechanism...and I wonder if this coping mechanism occurs when the adoption isnt a happy one for the child...i.e. abuse, secrecy etcetera...

[LouiseT]

AARRGGGHHH!
It is so frustrating to me that only the negative stories about adoption get any publicity. I agree with the poster who said (I'm paraphrasing) that a publisher would have an easier time advancing a book about the evils of adoption than one about how great it can be.
Same reason why soap operas are so popular.

Please know that you will not hear about all of the adoptees who grew up completely and totally sane, normal and well-adjusted for the simple fact that most of them would never even think about writing a book or posting on internet forums about their experience. It is a non-issue. I know that I personally wouldn't even be on this board if I hadn't seriously thought about adopting a child.

Don't stress about books like this. No matter how many books you read, it will never fully prepare you on how to be a parent, whether adoptive or not. Just do the best you can. Your baby was not born with an automatic sense of abandonment.

Good luck.

[NJNative]

"We talked in depth to our neighbor who is a 40 something adoptee. His advice to us was to tell Drihan she is adopted, but not to keep talking about it and bringing it up. He said he knew he was adopted and that was fine, but if his family had kept talking about it, he would have felt uncomfortable and different than his sibling."


Good advise in my opinion. You will find, as Drihan grows older, that she may ask questions from time to time. But I've found with my son, he's gone through periods where he was very curious about his adoption when he asked a LOT of questions. Then he goes through other periods where the subject just never comes up at all. Now that he's 15, when I expected that he might have a lot of questions, surprisingly, he hasn't brought up the subject in a long time. Guess he's just too busy with 15 yo's stuff.

He know he can ask anything, anytime. He might when he gets older. But his adoption is just how he came into our family, it's not something we discuss all that often.

Robin

[redru2004]

Hi Natalie,

I think first time parents whether they become parents through adoption or through having biological children are naturally nervous, and protective. I know I am! I think that you've hit on a very important topic though and I've done lots of reading and attended several seminars dealing with "the primal wound theory". It's interesting, and I think it's important to understand that this is something you MAY have deal with someday, but I don't think that just because you've decided to adopt that means that you're hurting your potential children, not at all. I don't have the book with me right now so I can't give you the title or the author, however if you would like it, PM me and I'll get it to you when I get home. I saw this man speak, and he's done a lot of research into the topic, he's spent a lot of time in Russian orphanages and he's dealt with it in his practice (he's a phsycologist). He gives a lot of insight, and a lot of tips on how best to deal with it, and I walked away feeling informed, but certainly hopeful. I'd be happy to share any info that I have with you! Good Luck!

Amie