[2Bulgarianbeauties]

I have never read PW, but I thought someone on this site had mentioned that the author admitted that she never felt the same about adopted kids like she did about her bio kids. Kids know when they are loved differently, and I can see that behavior on the mother's part causing the wound.

As others have said, don't let one person's experience cause you to walk away from what I have found to be the greatest experience in my life! I love my dd with all my heart, and she is happy, well adjusted and definitely not wounded!

Kay

[LouiseT]

Originally Posted by Kay Jarboe

I have never read PW, but I thought someone on this site had mentioned that the author admitted that she never felt the same about adopted kids like she did about her bio kids. Kids know when they are loved differently, and I can see that behavior on the mother's part causing the wound.

Kay

I've never read PW either, but if it is true what you mention about the author admitting she never felt the same about her adopted kids, then that says it all.
It explains the entire tone of the book.
If it's true that she feels that way, then I hope she included that in the prologue of PW. That's a pretty big disclaimer that should be added, if you ask me!

[Lexie]

I did not read PW, but I have read some articles that talked about the theories behind the book. I felt scared to death afterwards too. It made me feel like my own experiences with adoption must have been some aberration. I now trust my own experience much more and its not that I think that some of the experiences decribed in PW don't happen, I just don't think we need to expect that it will be our experience.

There are so many adopted family members in my family ( sister, cousins, neices, nephews, etc.) and so many types of adoptions ( inter-family, domestic, international, foster-care) that I feel like we could conduct our own study on the effects on adoption. Our family is really really normal. There has been no emotional drama over any of the adoptions in the family ( half are now grown and half are kids---the next generation). There have been 2 reunions with bfamilies (completely supported and in one case instigated by the immediate afamily). There has been some disappointment in one case over the reunion. The other case is too early to tell. There is no confusion over "choosing" between the bfamily and afamily. We are the family---period. None of the adopted adults or children feel differently. We are also not a shy family--so we discuss our feelings openly. Of course there are questions around adoption etc, but just the ones you would expect. No drama. Of course the media will have no interest in our story, because there is nothing to sensationalize.

[blessedbybug]

Originally Posted by FH-heartened

Do you want to know how to successfully raise an adopted child?

Love them. Accept them. Accept that they exsited before you adopted them. Aceept that they have a history which preludes their history with you. Understand that "preludes" doesn't equal "excludes."
Accept that no matter what you do, they may feel a need some day to know and understand their roots. Understand that if you try to deny the existence they had before you adopted them, you will only drive a wedge between you. Learn to deal with your feelings of jealousy - they are YOUR issue, don't make them your child's issue as well. Just as you would not force your child to choose between you and your spouse if you divorced, don't try and force your child to choose between you and their birth family when they are adults. They'll likely choose you, but your relationship will never be the same. It will be damaged. Don't lie to your child. A lie of ommission is still a lie. Never try to hide the fact that your child is adopted - don't hide it from them and don't hide it from others. This sets a child up for feeling like being adopted is something they need to feel ashamed about.

Most of all - trust in yourself. Trust in the love you have to offer. Remember that love is not quantified - you do not love your child less because you also love your spouse, your parents, your family, friends, other children, etc. The "amount" your child loves you is not decreased for them loving their birth family in addition to you. If anything, it simply gives you all a wider circle among which to give and receive love.

And here's a secret: The fact that you care enough to try and understand what your future child may feel is an excellent indication of the kind of parent you are going to be. Trust in that, trust in yourself. You'll do just fine.

Okay, I'm in tears... thank you Heartened. I really needed to hear this today... thanks...

[AMom2Two]

Urrrghhh... The Primal Wound

That is sure to scare the DAYLIGHTS out of you!

Here is a link from an adoptee about her thoughts on the primal wound. Many other adoptee's wrote in on it too.

Insight for Aparents from an Adoptee


I have this thread saved on my desktop as brings me comfort at times. The original poster is no longer here at this forum, but she gave me permission to post this here to help dispell some of the myths of that book.

I hope you find it helpful! Have a nice day!

(((hugs)))

[LouiseT]

amom2two-
thanks for posting that link. i really do miss that poster's viewpoints.

[Oliver1]

I am an adoptee as well as an adoptive parent. My two sisters are also adopted. We were adopted as infants back in the 1970s, when most, if not all, adoptions were closed. We all know very little about our birthparents. We don't even have medical history. But what we all do know is that our birthparents love us very much and they wanted to give us the world. Which is why they gave us to our parents. I never have had an urge to seek out my biological family. I simply trust in their love and give thanks for their decision.

I can't remember a time when I didn't know I was adopted. I also don't remember the moment I was told, which I think speaks volumes. I hope my children will be able to say the same thing when they are my age. Our adoptions were a subject of pride, never hidden from family or friends or anyone. We grew up knowing, believing, and trusting that we were specially chosen miracles that were sent from God to bless my parents life.

[LouiseT]

Great post Oliver

[Howdy]

I think one way to protect your child from feeling a wound would be to raise him/her with good coping skills. I checked this tape out of my library, and it was quite good. The poster who mentioned people without the wound being told they were in denial reminded me of this book, because the author rather laughs at that type of situation, where people who have not coped well try to convince people who have healed and moved on that they haven't.

Grief, Trauma, and Loss: Helping Children Cope (Audio Cassette)
by Foster W. Cline

[Royalcav1024]

One of these days I need to look at some of these books that are out there. My birthmom quotes from them constantly and my mother refutes them. I'm so busy trying to just focus on my life and my experience I ignore them. I would not rule out adoption because of the experiences of a few people who wrote their feelings in a book. You have to remember that every person is different. We all have different personalities different life experiences and consiquently no two adoptions are exactly alike. For me, I had a wonderful childhood and never once questioned my identity. Or I should say never once questioned it growing up. Ok there were a few birthdays where out of no where curiosity and a feeling of loss would hit me because I didnt know where I came from, but I just dealt with it and made it my primary goal to find my birthmother the second I turned 18. I succeeded, I found her 1 month before my 19th birthday. Things didnt really hit me with regard to my identity until post reunion when my mom threw a hissy fit and said because I wanted a relationship with my birthmother that I didnt love her. This of course is not the case but never the less I questioned things more than I would have if say everything had gone smoothly. If you are really worried about the emotions of the child I would suggest open or semi open adoption. Any identity questions a child may have can be delt with as simple reality and dealt with early on. For me my only bitterness with adoption is the closed adoption system because of how in my opinion it disregards a childs natural curiosity to know where it came from. Best of luck to you, I hope you decide on the decision that you feel is right for you and your family.

[Vogi2002]

I just wanted to say thank you to everyone who has replied. We are going forward with our adoption plans and are so excited once again. I only want the best for my future child! I am going to keep reading the books just so I can get what CAN happen, but I do feel much better hearing from you all!!

Thank you again!!

Natalie

P.s. is there any parenting advice you can give me with regards to adopting??

[StorkWatcher]

Natalie,
You're getting great advice. Definitely keep reading. I agree that it's good to expose yourself to the various opinions about what adoptees might feel. We don't know what our children will feel eventually, but we can try to be prepared to help them recognize those feelings.

I don't think anyone's addressed your topic about foster-adopt vs private agency. We really struggled with that and wondered if we would be selfish not to consider the foster-adopt program (especially after we went through all their training and were licensed to do so). I did a lot of praying for peace about the situation and guidance to know which way was right. We pursued both options and felt the right one for us would happen.

We ended up adopting a newborn through a private agency. We had zero contact from the DFC social worker after we were licensed (even though we agreed to offer weekend respite care for other foster parents and short-term emergency care for kids because they supposedly desperately needed that help even though we did not want to foster, only adopt), so I guess we were meant to go the route we did. DON'T FEEL SELFISH. Your child will be meant for you and will need you, no matter how you were brought together.

I also agree that the fact you're concerned already about your child's adjustment is a great parenting asset!

[March]

I was four weeks old when I was adopted. I had a WONDERFUL life and have not suffered one bit of trauma/suffering due to being adopted.

Because I was adopted in the 60's I know almost nothing of my birthparents. Everything was closed back then.. I am seeking medical information only as I view my adoptive parents as my parents.

You should follow your heart!

Good Luck!

March

I am adopted
biological mom to 3 boys 4,8,14
respite mom to 11 month baby girl
new baby girl born 3-3-06