[MelissaJohnson]

This Is sort of a silly question but I had wondered this while I was pregnant with my birthson.

It you were in a position to adopt a baby, got to know the pbmom, planned an open adoption arangment, and then the pbmom had the baby, either you took the baby home for a while or you didnt (either/or) then the pbmom decided to parent.

Do you think that it is sort of an obligation for the new mom to try to have an open relationship with you after the baby is born?

Would you want to have a relationship anyway?

I ask this because it seems in this situations ,or even in situations that are not like this, you are not just adopting a baby; you are adopting this specific baby.
So If you,the adoptive parent, were willing to have an open adoption with the pbmom, shouldnt they return the kindness to you.

This is convoluted and I am not sure if it is exactly what I wanted to say so maybe I will try again after some replys

(I am also going to post this on the birth mom part as well)

[rtsmom]

Originally Posted by MelissaJohnson

Do you think that it is sort of an obligation for the new mom to try to have an open relationship with you after the baby is born?

No, I do not believe that the new mom should feel remotely obligated to continue a relationship with the couple that was hoping to adopt her baby. Of course, if all the parties involved want to continue the relationship, then they should, but the new mom should not feel obligated in any way.

Janet

[LisaCA]

this is a very individual thing, dependent on the folks involved. hypothetically, if dd's bmom had decided to parent, I would like to think that we'd still be friends with her bfamily. our match was short, but we're all a lot alike and really hit it off. That said, if they weren't interested in maintaining a friendship I'd totally understand. I mean, every time they saw us we'd be a reminder of what they were considering, and that may be tough for them. I'd probably send gifts for her birth, and maybe her first bday either way .

a friendship should be just that and not coercive. situations change and they may be in a different place.

[joskimo]

I haven't not been in this sort of situation so cannot judge well, but in my opinion, I would think that it would be very painful for the pamom, at least in the beginning.

[Momoffive1966]

Dear Melissa,

I delt with an open adoption plan that failed 10 days before Jayden was born. I always thought I would be able to continue a relationship with A no matter what happened. For me, the pain of not being a mom to THAT child was greater than I could have ever imagined. I am a very progressive thinker and I often have been able to do very emotionally difficult things.....but this was too tough for me. I know A needed a friend but it just couldn't have been me. I prayed for God to send someone to be there for her. It was simply a much deeper disappointment than I thought it would be...for me. I did miss A terribly as we had gotten very close. Just my situation.

[Teekay74]

I think I would of been open to a relationship w/ pbmom, but at first it would of been difficult. I felt like we were friends, and not situational friends, which is what it turned out to be. I would really like to know what that little boy is doing right now. What he looks like, and a lot of other stuff. I think because of the relationship we had formed I felt betrayed when she decided to parent and not call me herself,before or after we took the baby to the agency. I know that is not what she wanted us to feel though. i know it was about that that precious baby boy. Not us. Thats ok. It was really hard for her. I think one of hardest parts for me is it was a friend of a friend. So there were alot of awkard firsts to get thru. I don't know if this makes sense, or if I'm even answering the question! Life is tough sometimes!

[gigigeorge]

Our situation is more unique because we had already adopted her first son and she wanted for us to adopt her second but after we had him home for a few days she decided to parent afterall... BUT because we are already in a very open relationship we will continue that, which means seeing her and the new baby. I admit it's hard, it's hard when I call and I can hear him cry or laugh or whatever, but I this relationship is really important to me for my sons sake and also becauser we had developed such a great friendship...

g/.

[MollyinSD]

We hada failed adoption. We brought A home for 5 days, were at the hospital for his birth and we had planned to be very open with her.

I can see why she would not want a relationship with us, but I always wonder how he is doing. Where he is etc...

[Vogi2002]

I had a failed adoption a couple years ago. I still talk to the pbmom and it is hard. Especially because we really never met her and she lives in a different state. Also, we are not sure if it was real or not, but i still talk with her every once in a while and I think, although it is hard for me, I do think it does her good, so i maintain the friendship......

[redribbonrose]

Having had two failed matches already, it's something that has entered my brain often. The first match, we weren't close, it failed very early on and so, we didn't keep in touch. The second failed match NO way. The circumstances were horrid and the mother of that child put her child in harm's way and I will never forgive her for what she did to that child and could never have a relationships with her.

With this match, I don't know what I would be able to handle. Firstly it is far more open and far closer than I ever thought I could get with a birth family. I really like them (potential birth mom and birth dad) I care about them and my dh and I think of them as friends. We love their two children and got very close to them during our visit.

Having said that, if this match would fail, I don't know if I could be close to them anymore. They call me this baby's mom, pbmom gave me a mom necklace charm. They call the baby by the name we chose and everytime I have said things like, "if you change your mind and decide to parent, we will understand and respect your decision", she just tells me that they will not change their minds and that this is our child and to quit saying things like that!

So if the match does fail, I think I would be so wrecked I wouldn't want to have a relationship with anyone for awhile. I also think the birth family would feel uncomfortable with us.

Sorry to ramble, it's just been one of those weekends when I worried about everything regarding this adoption! Now I see this post and flood my feelings out to you all.