[Shoshana]

I just can't let go! AARGH

Anyway, I've been thinking about this topic alot -- especially since I've been reading Beyond Good Intentions (and since I'm one of those angry adoptees who is now a mother to an internationally adopted child of a different race) (Maybe I should join one of the drinking threads!)

Seriously tho', the expectation or sentiment that international adoptees will feel more 'blessed' or happy, somehow, with their lives doesn't make sense to me at all. I think every step removed from a match on race, country, culture, etc., makes the potential challenges greater. For example, all things being equal (healthy, stable, loving families) I believe that it's tougher for American adoptees of color to be raised by white American parents than it is for those matched on race. I believe it's even more difficult when the adoptions are not only transracial but transcultural and transnational (is that a word?). How could it not be? The losses are greater. Unless of course, we expect those foreign adoptees to be thankful to us for rescuing them. UGH! Right back there again.

[dpen6]

shoshana...again, I agree with you. IMO....people/children/parents have similaties that no matter where on is from will feel the same. For instances a mothers love is universal, a parents loss feels the same no matter what country one is from. As is...a child may have idenity issues(NO THAT DOES NOT MAKE ONE AN ANGRY ADOPTEE), may have questions may even want to search. To an adoptive parent, does that mean an adoptee is less satisfied? What signifies a satisfied adpotee?

Don't get me strated on the grate4ful thing....OF course I am grateful for the way my life panned out...it just seems to me that an adoptee is made to feel MORE grateful then any other child....biochildren...IMO.if brought up in a good home should also feel grateful. But it seems that adoptee "should" feel grateful for food and shelter after all they were not stuck in the orphanage. In my mind every child deserves that and it is up to the parents whether adopted or bio to provide it...

[scarlet52698]

She said she choose international adoption because the children seem to accept adoption much better. Maybe it's because they were placed in an orphange and are thankful to have a family, that makes the difference. They don't seem to have the anger issues as much as some of the adoptee's from our country. They don't seem to hate the adoptive parents and feel BLESSED that they were adopted.

I think that no matter where an adoptee comes from there will always be a percentage that have identity issues or anger about their adoption. Just like there are adoptees who have no issues about their adoption.

The above statement seems like a HUGE generalization to me and IMO it will be a couple of decades before you can really tell what the lifelong affects are on international adoptees.

If you were to poll biologically related people I bet you would find just as many who "hate" their parents (especially in the 13-19 age range). It is unfair to say that because someone is adopted and questions who they are that they hate their aparents or have anger issues.

[joskimo]

Originally Posted by scarlet52698

If you were to poll biologically related people I bet you would find just as many who "hate" their parents (especially in the 13-19 age range). It is unfair to say that because someone is adopted and questions who they are that they hate their aparents or have anger issues.

I think this is a good point and one that gets lost on many of these adoption studies.

[bromanchik]

Originally Posted by AMom2Two

Do our own adoptee's have more anger then adoptee's who came from oversea's? This woman who adopted from China certainly believes it. I don't know if I believe it or not.

There is no research that supports this at all.
In fact I think the disruption rates for some international adoptions are higher than children of the same age adopted through the foster care system in the US. Who knows why that is?

[dpen6]

I need to ask again..What makes a staisfied adoptee?

From aparents..What do you think is an indication of a well adjusted adoptee?

From birthparents...what is your take on a satisfied adoptee?

[scarlet52698]

From birthparents...what is your take on a satisfied adoptee?

In my open only the individual adoptee can answer that.

[redhedded]

I think a well adjusted adoptee is like any well adjusted adult - one who has traversed this life and made it a process of self discovery and self examination, one who has experienced independent emotional and spiritual growth and confidence, outside of their parental and sibling circle, (as a young adult), one who is happy, sad, mad and fearful, experiencing a range of human emotions, one who is secure and confident or working on feeling so but who is vulnerable and has insecurities, one who is simultaneously strong and weak, one who is responsible for his actions and takes responsibility for the power he has to affect others, one who is aware of the power that he holds for himself - to make life happen, to choose emotional health, to reach self satisfaction and to choose happiness.

[Howdy]

Originally Posted by Shoshana

By the time of adolescence, the feelings of luckiness or happiness or pride at one's adoptive status are sometimes replaced by a sense of unfairness. Why me? -- Not "it's unfair that I was rescued from a life of XY&Z" but "why wasn't I born into the happy, healthy, secure, and loving family like (apparently) all of the other kids" (and yes, why did I have to be adopted -- note that this does not mean the child's adoptive home is unloving or unhappy!)

My daughter has all those mixed emotions. I bought her a workbook for abused children, and one of the pages has a self-test about feelings. She circled that she was 'sometimes' afraid, 'often' angry, and 'always' happy. Even way back a couple years ago when she was still pretty new as a foster child, she wanted to be back with her bparents, but she also wanted me to come back with her and live with them and take care of her. I've noticed that a lot of the children's books about adoption emphasize that it is okay to have all the different feelings.

[lisa in venice]

Originally Posted by bromanchik

There is no research that supports this at all.
In fact I think the disruption rates for some international adoptions are higher than children of the same age adopted through the foster care system in the US. Who knows why that is?

I suspect it is because of the crappy job some international agencies do of educating, preparing and supporting their families pre and post placement. We were in an adoptive parent support group for folks who had adopted from fostercare and the agency openned the group up to international adoptive families because the director was seeing so many diruptions. The stories we heard from these families were all the same. The were all told tat kids who come from orphanages are grateful, and don't have ANY of the issues of kids adopted from fostercare. NOT!! they had ALL of the same issues+a language barrier+a cultural adjustment+ the agencies offered no follow up care+these folks were financially depleted. In every case in our group (six families) they were not prepared and when the ****te hit fan the agency was no where to be seen. Now these were all older chidlren adoption not infants.

lisa

[Maggie Beth]

Originally Posted by lisa in venice

I suspect it is because of the crappy job some international agencies do of educating, preparing and supporting their families pre and post placement. We were in an adoptive parent support group for folks who had adopted from fostercare and the agency openned the group up to international adoptive families because the director was seeing so many diruptions. The stories we heard from these families were all the same. The were all told tat kids who come from orphanages are grateful, and don't have ANY of the issues of kids adopted from fostercare. NOT!! they had ALL of the same issues+a language barrier+a cultural adjustment+ the agencies offered no follow up care+these folks were financially depleted. In every case in our group (six families) they were not prepared and when the ****te hit fan the agency was no where to be seen. Now these were all older chidlren adoption not infants.

lisa

I think it depends on the international agency you use. Our agency does many orphanage adoptions of older children from Guatemala. They are very upfront with the families, encourage visiting during the process, require pre- and post-placement visits and counseling.

We adopted infants from Guatemala. We are fortunate that we have been able to stay in contact with their fosterparents. I email with my son's foster mother at least once a week. It made the transition much easier, as he came home at 10.5 months -- being able to ask the fostermother about his eating habits, sleeping habits, etc., was really helpful to me as a first-time parent.

I think this thread highlights how important it is to reseach international agencies. Some agencies are much more familiar with orphanage issues and older child adoptions... these agencies are more informed and that allows them to educate aparents in what to expect... and to form realistic, child-centered goals for their initial time together as a family.

[tobeafamily]

I asked our Agency founder about this, when I noticed the 'diversity' in ages of children at the annual picnic. She says most families go off their own way after finalization, only to return for help again when their child is school-age.

She said adoptee issues arise usually by age of 8 or 9, sometimes a little earlier but not much. It matters not whether the child came from a foreign country or the US. This makes sense - it's the time when we as people are becoming more aware of ourselves in a social context, and are much more aware of the 'big world' outside our home and family.

Our agency regularly sees parents coming back for help from both international and domestic parental placement adoptions at about the same rate and starting with that same age range with similar issues - their child wants to know who they are, where they came from, why they were 'given up', what is wrong with them, etc. They want to know about their birthparents.

Sometimes this is a lifelong issue for the adoptee. Other times it is less so. Depends on the individual, the situation, etc.

JMHO HTH

Regina