[DJAKoala]

Hi,
My husband and I adopted a then 2 year old boy last May 2005. He is everything we dreamed of. He is happy and well adjusted at this time. My question, he is starting to ask about his past foster family, particualrily about another boy he grew up with. We do visit occationally and keep in touch. He wants to know how he is and things. Also recently my son asked for a baby, I asked what he meant and he said he wants a brother. I feel he is to young to address the fact I can not have biological children and thus the reason we adopted him. He appears to be very smart and certainly has a good memory. Could such a young child remember his past? I know he had some traumas very young with his birth family. Also another friend from pre-school mom just had a baby and most likely his teacher discussed it. As I asked him why he wants a baby and he said teacher said. I know there will be many more questions, expecially about his adoption. We have no problems discussing with him his adoption and have always been open with him. Of course right now age appropriate. I am going to need a lot of guidance in the comming years.
Debbie

[NJNative]

The only advise I can give you, as the mom of a 15 year old son whom we adopted at 10 months, is to ONLY answer what he asks. You know so much more about his past, that you feel compelled to explain everything. If he's asking about a former foster brother, just answer the question. Say he's fine, we'll see him next week, whatever the case may be.


As for asking for a brother, I think all kids do that from time to time...LOL. Disconcerting for their mom no matter how siblings might be acquired.

Robin

[redhedded]

Debbie, Aren't 3.5 year olds funny? First, he, of course, can remember his past, good and bad, I suspect. My daughter, also with an incredible memory, remembers things that I cannot begin to fathom, like things from her first year, all persons we met (in passing) while living in California (from the time she was 12 to 20 months), entire conversations that we had; she can still tell us exactly how to get to many LA farmer's markets from our apartment there. First I would give him some/what information that you have about the foster family to assuage his fear. If it is feasible and a healthy situation, could you possibly see them? Maybe he could have photos of them or of the other boy to remember him by. I think kids are far more perceptive than we give them credit for. He could be worrying about it.

We began having very very complex adoption questions a long time ago; we address those questions openly and honestly based on ability appropriateness (rather than age appropriate); we always leave the topic open for discussion and talk about our daughter's first mother in conversation (like how she can see the moon at night exactly how we see it.)

I would answer his questions with honesty but ability appropriate information, as long as not to include things that could hurt him, make him worry or are disparaging to his first family. I thing the key is letting him feel safe, comfortable, that it is okay to ask questions and that there is no shame in his past or in his inquiries. Sounds like you are doing a great job.

[AMom2Two]

Originally Posted by DJAKoala

Hi,
Also recently my son asked for a baby, I asked what he meant and he said he wants a brother. I feel he is to young to address the fact I can not have biological children and thus the reason we adopted him.

My dd was about the same age when she started asking if she came from my belly. We explained that she came from P belly since we do open adoption. She took it all in stride. I would agree to only answer the questions in which he asks. Also, when dd started asking for a new baby, she wanted a brother, we adopted another child. Today our ds is 15 months old and the love of his big sisters life.

I think we need to be careful that we (aparents) don't make adoption sound like it is second best to biological children. Adoption is just another way to build a family.

[DJAKoala]

Thank you FH-Redheaded you addressed the situation wonderful. I love your suggestions. He is very smart(much more than I was at his age) I will always respect his Bmom and his past,keep him safe and comfortable.
He dies see his past foster mom and his foster "brother" every few months, we even spkoe of him comming over our house for a visit, I will always keep him involved throughout my sons life, I would never deny him of his concerns.
A mom2Two, thank you for your input. I would never let my son think he wasn't wanted and only adopted because of my infertility, we had discussed adopting even before we knew we could not. I maybe explained my answer incorrrectly. He was very much part of our family.
Debbie

[DJAKoala]

Opps typo My son is very much part of our family.
Debbie