[billysmommy]

I'm sure I won't be too popular after this thread, but here goes:
It seems to me that whenever there is talk of open adoptions, there is excuse after excuse as to why a birthparent is not keeping their end of the "agreement", but when it comes to aparents not keeping up their end, there is no excuse. Is there ever really a "good" reason to not keep your word?
I understand all of the emotions surrounding adoption in general, and especially open adoption. I am an amom in a very open adoption. During the first year after my son was born, his first mom put our family through hell with her demands and her threats. I still kept my word. When his first mom showed up at his 2nd birthday and caused an unimaginable scene, I still kept my word. When life has been hectic and there has barely been any time for myself, I still keep my word. When I could barely get myself out of bed during our daughter's contested adoption, I still kept my word.
Why is it any different for birthparents? Why is it ok for my kids first mom to not write to them when her life is busy? Why is it ok for her not to call when our daughter was hospitalized? Why is it ok for her to expect things from us, but not for us to expect anything from her?
We specifically chose open adoption because of the benefit to our adopted children. What do they gain from me calling their first mom to share something new they have done? What do they gain from me sending pictures of them as they grow?

[mimc]

I'm sorry you've had such a difficult road with your children's birthmom. You asked what your children gain from all of this. Even if their birthmom doesn't respond or does so in a less than polite way, your children will know that YOU made the effort. YOU did everything you could to ensure that they had a healthy relationship with their birthmother, and YOU kept your word even though it was incredibly difficult for you. They may not gain a lot in terms of a relationship with their birthmother, but they gain an amazing role model in their mom.

And yes, you are right about the double standard where open adoptions are concerned. I've noticed this too. It's incredibly unfair.

I hope the situation with your children's birthmom improves.

[BrandyHagz]

This topic always interest me, because I feel the same way…Open adoption agreements are not a one way street – yes, there is pain involved in an open adoption as far as the birthparents are concerned – yes, it hurts after visits for some folks – yes the emotion is overwhelming and it can be hard – but we don’t enter into open adoption’s for ourselves, we enter into them for the child. (I love the next quote, because it’s used to talk to adoptive parents about openness a lot, and I think it also applies to birthparents as well) Sometimes we have to overlook or give up what is best for US to do what is best for the child. Sometimes we have to get over our own level of discomfort to do what is right for the child. Sometimes, we have to overlook our desires to put the child first. All of those things I’ve heard when talking to adoptive parents about openness…I think they apply to EVERYONE in open adoption.

Personally, I’ve never understood the supporting of the double standard either…in fact; I think I’ve posted about it before.

[mom2GRLC]

I know EXACTLY what you are talking about and I've also struggled with it from the very begining.

It's not fair....and at times I truly do question WHY I should do it for my daughter. When it seems like the only one really benefiting is her bmom.

An agreement is something you both keep. If one person fails to keep their end of the agreement then the whole aggreement is void...IMO!!! Of course you have to try and work out your problems before calling it all off but I see it this way.

Why should my child suffer from the rejection and dissapointment of not getting a scheduled letter, phone call or visit. How can that possibly be beneficail to her. What you are teaching your children is that it's ok for people to use them and walk all over them and ignore their feelings. I'm not OK with that!!! I'm not saying cut off contact altogether but if you have done all you can do....and your childs NEEDS are not being met....then you have to spare your child from that pain and rejection.

Wether you continue to write with updates and pictures would be up to you!!! I probably would feel comfortable sending a letter out each year with pictures, just so I can keep that connection open, so the possibility for future contact wouldn't be lost. (without my child knowing). I say without their knowledge because my 6 year old son is very hurt that his bmom did not respond to the letter we wrote her last mothers day with a bunch of pictures(but I do know she received them). So again....that can be very hurtful to your child, and that is the one your trying to protect!!!

Every situation is different, and I wouldn't presume to know what is best in yours, I can only say what i have seen in mine, and I still don't know what is the best solution in my own!!!

[danhanan]

Well, first let me say that I too am sorry for the difficulties you've had. I can truly relate. However, after two years of trying to work things out, we had to make the decision to not carry through with parts of our agreement. This was not an easy decision for us. We felt strongly about honoring our agreement. BUT, our situation reached such an extreme level that we were left no choice. Given the choice between honoring an agreement with an adult and doing what's best for our child, our child came first.

[Gadoptmom]

I so agree with you!

When we were recently working with a pbmom (we had to walk away from the situation) the post placement contact agreement that we came up with included what she was expected to do as well. There was a clause about if she did not keep up her end then things may be terminated. We would have still probably sent updates and pics - sortof like the above poster said though. We just did NOT want the back and forth thing.

We've dealt with it with our oldest and it's NOT ok for people to do that - I don't care who they are.

And yes adoption should ALWAYS be about what's best for the child. It's not about taking care of everyone else and making sure they are all warm and fuzzy. It's great when things can be workable for everyone involved and I would hope that we all would strive for this and do what we can. But sometimes I think it gets a little out of hand.

[Jensboys]

I have been there folks and vented away at how frustrating it is, how hurtful etc. But slowly got to a point of resolution. This is the REALITY of my sons' bfamily. Sometimes they act irresponsibly, sometimes they act hurtful, sometimes they make horrid choices. ALL reasons why they couldn't parent in the first place. Yes, my kids have experienced pain but also a real understanding of WHY they were adopted in the first place. I am thankful that I have been able to support them through this and be there for their pain, instead of having them live with the fantasy of a different bparent and discovering a shocking reality at 18 or 21 without my support.

I do it because its about MY integrity and what I have found, as years pass, is that the situation ebbs and flows. My kids no longer "expect" things to be different. Do they still feel pain? Yes, at times. But they also experience a "knowing" of their history, having their questions answered etc. Maybe because my kids are older (now 11 and almost 10) I see the long term benefits that wouldnt have bene possible at the age of 4 or 7 ... but I DO see it now.

Jen

[rtsmom]

I agree that the double standard is unacceptable. IMO, if the legal system considers a person mature enough to make the excrutiating decision to place their child for adoption, then that person should also be mature enough to be held to any agreements they made on behalf of that child. If the birthparent does not honour their commitments, then the aparent has every right to revisit how seriously they take their own commitment to that agreement.

Of course, one hopes that this can be done in dialogue with the bparent(s), with the CHILD'S needs being the priority.

Janet

[Shoshana]

In a perfect world, adoption wouldn't exist. In a less than perfect world, adoption would always be about the child. In our much less than perfect world, we have to look at individual's circumstances. I agree with Jen -- maybe some of the problems seen post-adoption are the very same ones that lead the parent to relinquish in the first place. Yes, adoption should be about the child but what if the first parent doesn't have the emotional or physical resources to truly make that work?

I'm not advocating "making excuses" for the first parents who don't follow through on their promises. I am suggesting, however, that they be understood in the context of their lives. It's easy to sit back and judge others' behavior. It's not usually productive.

[LisaCA]

I'm not making excuses for any bparent that doesn't keep their open adoption agreement, but I can add a few things that I think might explain why some bparents don't keep the agreement.

it's easier for me as an adoptive parent to agree to letters and visits than it is for dd's bmom to comply. it doesn't hurt me to see dd's bmom, but it may hurt her each time we see her and she realizes what she's missing. She may still firmly support the adoption, but the pain may just be too much.

much preadoption counseling stinks, really stinks. Post adoption support? nearly non existent. bparents are now on their own. How many are given some advice about the post adoption period? Are they advised about their duties to their birthchild? are they encouraged to even view it this way? Most bparents place because their life is in crisis. The crisis doesn't necessarily end because their child is placed with an afamily-for many it's just the beginning.

kudos to those aparents and bparents that keep their word. They're doing it for their child. Those who don't will have to explain their behavior to their child if and when s/he asks.

we're fortunate to be in a great relationship with dd's bfamilies, but I appreciate that not everyone has that relationship. Many relationships that we have in life are flawed. (Think about it, more than half of marriages end in divorce.) Many people want to keep their word, but life gets in the way. They're unprepared to deal with the pain and grief. People are flawed and their behavior doesn't always work out the way we hope. That doesn't negate my responsibilities as an aparent to my child.

[Jensboys]

And I think we GET TO BE THE PARENTS because we are emotionally healthy (should be anways), in a "good place" in life, capable of putting a child's needs before our own, stable financially, strong support systems in place, have the capacity to access services if we need them (medical, psychological etc).

Is it fair to expect people who are dealing all the reasons why they COULDN'T parent their children to act like all that doesnt exist. These issues don't just exist in their interactions with you and their bchild, they probably exist in many other areas of their lives as well.

Don't get me wrong - I am not saying that its easy or that unfettered openness is the answer (we do have boundaries in place) its just that Adoptive parents ARE held to a higher standard (anyone else remember their home study???) and in this situation just because the other party is responding in an inappropriate manner, doesnt give us the green light to do the same.

Its sort of like asking a cat to change their stripes -- to expect someone who was dealing with unhealthy issues to suddenly become "healthy" in this area is probably a big stretch.

Please note I am NOT talking about a bparent that makes the best choice she can for her baby due to age, finances etc and all things being equal would be an excellent parent to their child - I am talking about bparents that are either forced to relinquish (foster care) or relinquish because parts of their lives are significantly unhealthy.

Jen

[SchmennaLeigh]

Originally Posted by Jensboys

Please note I am NOT talking about a bparent that makes the best choice she can for her baby due to age, finances etc and all things being equal would be an excellent parent to their child - I am talking about bparents that are either forced to relinquish (foster care) or relinquish because parts of their lives are significantly unhealthy.

Jen

Good clarification. Because I was getting red-faced.

I think it comes down to this: people should be held accountable. Recently, when I was deciding whether or not to take a break from our open adoption due to the sheer overwhelming nature of having a baby post-placement, I was going about it in the manner that I would set a time-limit, etc, because I understand that while I needed a moment to catch my breath, my child needed me around in order to have that continued contact. I realize all of this because I know that our openness, while we (the adults) enjoy it, is for the Munchkin. If it wasn't for her, I would have quit a long time ago because the pain hurts.

Some other birthparents may not realize this. It's a shame when they can't allow themselves to separate the issues they have with adoption and the love they have for their child.

That said: I think birthparents and adoptive parents alike should be held to the same level.

[heartened]

When you obtain a license to drive a car, you are making an implicit agreement that you will obey the "rules of the road." You don't STOP holding up your end of the agreement because other drivers do - that is not in your best interest nor is it in the best interest of those riding in your car with you.

Every day, you reaffirm your agreement to obey the laws in our society - when you pay for your groceries instead of stealing them; when you refrain from drinking and driving; when you legally buy a car instead of stealing the pretty Jaguar down the street. You maintain your end of the bargain even when others do not.

You do this because you have a sense of honor, a drive to do what is good and right. You don't succumb to petty feelings of "he's not obeying the laws, why should I?"

I don't understand first moms who don't uphold their end of the agreement, either. I really don't. But with that said, had my adoptive parents entered into an open adoption agreement with my birth parents, I'd have definitely expected my adoptive parents to uphold their end of the bargain regardless of whether my birth parents did their part. I would certainly hold them to a higher standard because they were the ones who said in a court of law that they would look out for my best interests and be responsible for raising me in the best possible environment.

It is in my best interest, long-term, for there to have been an ongoing level of communication between both sets of parents. Ultimately, I'm the one who may need to know exactly where to find my birth parents if and when I need medical information or intervention from them. I absolutely believe that it is up to my adoptive parents to push to keep a line of communication open - because that is what is in MY best interest, and they made a promise when they adopted me to always do what was in my best interest. Sadly, my adoptive parents never much cared what was in my best interest. But that's a whole other post.

Down the road, the birth parents will likely have to deal with recriminations from your child for their failure to uphold their end of the bargain - they will likely have to answer for their choices and deal with the feelings of betrayal on the part of the child. Do you want your child to feel betrayed by both sets of parents? Or can you be the "bigger person" and keep on keeping on for the sake of your child?

If the first mother isn't holding up her end of the bargain, don't tell your child about the agreement. Don't set them up to be disappointed. The agreement was between you and the birth family - not between you, your child and them. If and when you receive updates, share them - but don't say things like "Oh, your birth mom should be writing any day now... any day... any day...." Make it a happy event if and when the letters arrive, if and when visits occur - but don't involve your child in the WAIT for those to arrive/occur. Kids are not keeping tabs on a calendar unless they are older and you've been encouraging them to calendar watch - which, in my opinion, is a very bad move.

Is it fair? Absolutely not. Are the birth mothers making poor decisions? Absolutely. Should they uphold their end of the agreement? Definitely. We would all do well to keep our word.

But if, for whatever reason, the birth mother does not uphold her end - that does not give you license to stop upholding yours. Be the bigger person. Your child is the one who will benefit from your stepping up to the plate. And isn't that what this is all about?

Because there may be some who will leap to conclusions and not apply common sense to this discussion, let me add: I am NOT referring to maintaining contact (especially visitation) with birth parents who are engaged in criminal activities, showing up strung out on drugs, etc. That is not a safe environment for any child and carries an entirely different set of "rules" in my opinion.

When your child becomes an adult, they will have to deal with their feelings about how the agreement between their parents was handled. Do you want to add the burden of them knowing both their parents threw in the towel? The betrayal by one set is going to be bad enough - why add to it? You have no control over the choices of the birth parents, but you have TOTAL control over your own choices.

What do you think is going to be the choice which most benefits the child in the long run?

[redribbonrose]

Billy'smommy said:

Why is it ok for her to expect things from us, but not for us to expect anything from her?

It's not okay. You are right, she is wrong. I'm sorry you have to go through this.

[Jensboys]

Good clarification. Because I was getting red-faced.

LOL Jenna -- I think that most of us that deal with this issue have either adopted from foster care or adopted from bparents that were unhealthy to begin with. It is a COMPLETELY different scenario than in your situation. If you would have walked away completely I would have been kicking your butt up one end of the forum and back